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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think £100 is too much?

201 replies

soapboxqueen · 18/09/2014 21:00

Dh and I are going to a wedding in a few weeks. We don't know the couple very well, the groom is the brother of my dh's friend. They have asked for cash instead of gifts which is fine but I was thinking maybe £30 or something. Dh thinks it should be £100 because we are getting a meal. I think this is way too much considering we are travelling the length of the country to get there and we hardly know them.

It's more than double what we spent on his siblings when we bought gifts for their weddings.

Aibu ?

OP posts:
PowerPants · 19/09/2014 00:01

That sounded really stealth boasty, it was not meant like that at all - just that that seems to be the norm for my group....

Primafacie · 19/09/2014 00:04

Thanks Powerpants! Maybe it is a cultural thing - I'd give 200 if I wasn't attending the wedding!

LittleBearPad · 19/09/2014 00:06

It's entirely a cultural thing. There are very few people I'd give £400 for a wedding present. Only my sister probably.

Foolishlady · 19/09/2014 00:08

Definitely a cultural thing. I would be embarrassed to give £30 at a wedding but I think this is one of the more obvious cultural differences between the uk and Ireland!

Loopylala7 · 19/09/2014 00:09

It's up to the bride & from how lavish their wedding is, you shouldn't have to feel that you've paid for the meal, they invited you. The money is a gesture of good will, give what you can afford.

Crumbelina · 19/09/2014 00:09

Ahh, Miu - it was held at the River Cottage and we got to design the entire menu. We limited it to 50 close family/friends, didn't pay corkage on the booze and really scrimpted on eveything else - no wedding car, my mum made my dress, no fancy flowers etc. My priority was everyone having lots of nice food, plenty of booze and a big party!

Loopylala7 · 19/09/2014 00:09

We didn't even get £400 from close family

Original poster
soapboxqueen · 19/09/2014 00:10

I wouldn't give my sister that much money for a present. I'm not knocking other people and what they do and i appreciate different cultures do things differently.

I just don't get why

OP posts:
PowerPants · 19/09/2014 00:10

Me too Primafacie! I am now old so weddings are few and far between (so good for the bank balance).

Crumbelina · 19/09/2014 00:16

Woah 400!? I think I'm in a parallel universe now! Wink

RonaldMcDonald · 19/09/2014 00:35

£100 is the least you can give imo

If you don't have the cash buy them some high threadcount white bedlinen from TK MAXX
This is a perfect wedding gift and looks amazing
TK often have duvet cover or sheets/pillowcases for £30 or so but with ludicrously high thread count and reduced from well over £100

Thisvehicleisreversing · 19/09/2014 00:50

My brother got married last week, we only gave £20 from 4 of us. (Me, DH and 2 DCs)

When we got married we received £100 from 1 guest, my millionaire uncle. We were over the moon and couldn't believe that amount. There's no way I'd give £100 as a present to a someone I barely knew.

AlfAlf · 19/09/2014 00:51

I think you'd be incredibly mean to give £30.
You keep saying how little you know the wedding couple; if we don't know someone well enough/care about them enough to give them a decent gift we don't go to the wedding in the first place. Sometimes the connection is much stronger on DH's side, sometimes it's mine. We give to both sides equally.

We give enough to cover what they might spend per head x 2 plus enough for them to go out for a good meal as newlyweds. More if our dc are coming to the wedding.

Ronald I got some good white bedlinen (which I'm fairly sure came from Tkmaxx) as a wedding gift; from a lovely, lovely person who had to travel far to attend. There was a note saying "maybe a bit of a boring present, but hopefully you'll have some fun under it!". I loved it :)

Original poster
soapboxqueen · 19/09/2014 01:21

AlfAlf I wouldn't be giving that much to a close relative. It has nothing to do with how much I know them or how much I can afford . I really can't fathom why a wedding gift should be so generous. What on earth for?

OP posts:
GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 19/09/2014 01:33

I would give £100 for a good friends and £50 for someone I knew less well. £400 seems an awful lot to me.

KoalaDownUnder · 19/09/2014 02:14

I think it is ridiculous. You don't need to 'cover your plate', that is a myth. How much your hosts choose to spend on feeding you is their decision, and has nothing to do with your gift to them.

Just give them £30, it's fine.

QueenOfHope · 19/09/2014 02:23

We typically give £100. Once, we gave £200.

QueenOfHope · 19/09/2014 02:25

… to add at our wedding, we got sums of £100 - £500 from our guests. Not that it should matter.

KatieKaye · 19/09/2014 05:55

"Covering your plate" is not only a myth but one started by mercenary people.

ProcessYellowC · 19/09/2014 06:19

Wow this is really interesting, I always have such a dilemma with cash/voucher gifts.

Last wedding I went to of some friends I was going to give £30 but panicked at the last minute and gave £40. Incredibly mean Grin. Not according to roughly half the thread. I thought most couples getting married put people's presence above presents?

Amazed no-ones sussed why you might be invited - is it possible that your DH's friend won't have any other friends at the wedding party? I didn't have a huge wedding but we invited some people we weren't close to, so that my brother/DH's sister would have friends they knew there. If this is the case they won't be looking for a massive gift at all, they should be so glad that you've just made the effort.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 19/09/2014 06:30

The covering your plate idea is American. I don't think it's one we should be bringing over here really.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 19/09/2014 06:33

I'm going to assume primafacie and powerpants move in pretty wealthy circles. There is no way families on low to middling incomes could afford £400 for wedding gifts. For context, that's my food and fuel budget for a month...no way would I hand that over to anyone else!

KatieKaye · 19/09/2014 07:17

It is not the norm in the US. Except among the greedy.

desertmum · 19/09/2014 07:46

So if you have to 'cover your plate' do you wait util after you've eaten and then put the money in the envelope ? If not you might put in 100 quid and then think oh that meal was only worth 20 quid a head I need 60 quid back . . or give 100 and decide that as it was cooked by Gordan Ramsey you should give 500 quid a head . . . A toaster seems much easier to me.

WooWooOwl · 19/09/2014 07:57

It is not incredibly mean to only give £30 at all. Giving cash is often a cultural thing, but in the culture I live in it is usually considered incredibly rude to ask for cash in the first place.

It is the asking that would make all the difference to the amount I chose to give, and on the only occasion I have been asked for cash, £30 is what I gave. I would have given more cash, or a present to a much higher value if it hadn't been asked for.