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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to send round this wedding email?

210 replies

emdemm · 18/09/2014 17:53

DF and I are getting married soon, we are having a traditional church ceremony as we're both Christian. We've picked out the hymns we want but quite a lot of our guests aren't religious or have faiths other than Christianity so wouldn't be familiar with them - to be fair some hymns aren't even that common in the churches we know! But I've been to weddings where everyone shares the confused look and mumbles through to be polite and it's just quite embarrassing...

I would like to send round an email to all our guests with links to the songs (there are only 3) just so they can familiarise themselves with them if they want to. Obviously if people don't want to join in, that's absolutely fine! Just to have the option if they like. Would that be unreasonable?

OP posts:
whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 18/09/2014 22:38

Are you getting married in the church you go to? If so won't there be lots of people from the church who are familiar with them?

MaidOfStars · 18/09/2014 22:40

I'm atheist - I don't sing hymns, I don't move my lips with the Lord's Prayer, I don't bow my head or kneel.

I can't sing - I don't sing hymns.

I don't respond well to what I would see as a PA attempt to force religion on me - I don't practice singing hymns.

Tommy · 18/09/2014 22:41

I would love it! ( I love singing and was the only person singing at a funeral last week so any extra help would always help I think) but I agree with getting a choir and/or animator who can lead the congregation

iK8 · 18/09/2014 22:43

I'm an atheist. But I will belt out the hymns nicely. I'm probably one of the few who knows them having been a church chorister as a child.

It's just polite. It also doesn't matter because if you're an atheist you know there's nobody to be offended by singing a few lines of a hymn.

OwlinaTree · 18/09/2014 22:45

Op not answering any questions Sad

MaidOfStars · 18/09/2014 22:48

But I can't bring myself to sing about praising god and hosanna to the highest and channels of peace. Just like I wouldn't say the same words. Especially not to be polite....

AlpacaPicnic · 18/09/2014 22:54

I would actually really like to know beforehand, so I could at least listen to the tunes! I might not actually get round to it but I would mean to

But then I'm one of those rare people on mumsnet who enjoys attending weddings.

As for everyone saying 'pick well known songs' - Heaven forfend that the bride and groom should choose songs that they love or have special meaning for them at their own wedding

The op is not issuing instructions to anybody.

ILoveTurnips · 18/09/2014 22:55

I don't see how singing hymns in a church can possibly be a PA way to force religion on you. It is a CHURCH afterall. Grin

BackforGood · 18/09/2014 22:59

I would think it really odd and would probably have started a wedding thread about this Bridezilla who wanted to arrange a mass cnoir practice before her wedding day.
If you are worried about the quality of singing in Church, you have 3 choices:
1 Choose really well known hymns
2 Arrange for a choir or singing group to come and boost the sou d
3 Invite the congregation to join you (would still only work if they are hymns your congregation know). If one of our church family gets married, then the congregation loveto come and share their happiness by joining the service.

Thruaglassdarkly · 18/09/2014 23:02

You say that it's fine for them not to join it, but such an email would create a sense of expectation from you that they do join in, like it or not.

Hymns are a form of personal praise and worship in my opinion. Therefore, asking people who don't share your beliefs to sing along, like they're just a rollocking good tune...meh - it's not really right in my opinion. You are effectively encouraging them to be hypocrites.

Sorry, I know you just want a lovely wedding and for people to join in, but I think you are missing out on the solemnity of the words in the hymns.

iK8 · 18/09/2014 23:09

Well if you're already in a church then taking some sort of stand and making a point by not joining in is rude. At ceremonies for other faiths I join in too. It's all just pretend in my mind and real in those who believe it so what's the harm?

As an atheist you know/believe/ that it's all rubbish/untrue/a delusion/whatever. However, making a point about it when you're already there in the church or other religious building is rude and inappropriate.

Obviously different if you just don't know the words or ritual or if you're being asked to make a specific pledge or promise.

MaidOfStars · 18/09/2014 23:14

Eh? I attend church weddings because I respect the wishes of those who want to be married in a church in sight of their god. I do not attend church weddings in order to feel forced into playing along with the general premise.

I don't spend hymn time doing chinny reckon, or rolling my eyes Grin. I just don't sing.

Loopylala7 · 18/09/2014 23:16

Could you get a choir?

cashmiriana · 18/09/2014 23:16

Of course you could, OP, if you really wanted, have a Mumsnet choir of hymn enthusiasts for the day.

I'd do it if I were close enough geographically to you. My personal preference is for anything belting (Charles Wesley, gospel, I'm open to anything with a good tune) but I'm not averse to having a go at everything.

I'd look bloody stupid in choir robes though and would therefore Lower The Tone.

I had a Quaker wedding and therefore no hymns. But my sister chose some crackers for hers a year later, so I still got to sing.

WineWineWine · 18/09/2014 23:22

I wouldn't object to the email but I wouldn't learn hymns for anyone!

If you want people to sing, choose songs that people know and like.

daisychain01 · 18/09/2014 23:26

Could you get a load of CDs burned so families can have a singalong in their cars on the school run for a few weeks leading up to the big day?

FriendlyLadybird · 18/09/2014 23:30

I wouldn't mind getting it but I would wonder why you didn't just play the hits. Popular hymns are popular for a reason and it's much more fun to have a congregation belting out Bread of Heaven than hesitantly stumbling through something new.

I agree with the suggestions about hiring the church choir.

Bogeyface · 18/09/2014 23:36

I wouldn't mind getting it but I would wonder why you didn't just play the hits. Popular hymns are popular for a reason and it's much more fun to have a congregation belting out Bread of Heaven than hesitantly stumbling through something new.

Totally agree.

When my atheist sister got married in church (dont get me started) she had All Things Bright and Beautiful and Lord of the Dance. They picked those as they were the only hymns either of them knew (again....dont get me started...) but actually it worked out really well because everyone else knew them too.

I had faith then so sang along but tbh even now I think I would sing them as they are as much singalong songs as they are hymns.

Bogeyface · 18/09/2014 23:38

Thats not to say you shouldnt pick hymns with meaning to you and as Christians there must be many of them. But the two I mentioned above are very praising hymns and everyone knows them. Yes make it special to you but also bear in mind your "audience".

StillSquirrelling · 18/09/2014 23:41

I certainly wouldn't object to receiving such an email. In fact, I'd probably have asked beforehand what they were too. I love a bit of a sing song in church and always make the effort, but it's always a bit embarrassing trying to make the effort when you are the only one singing in a cluster of people, especially when you don't really know the tune yourself!

Have you said on here which hymns you are having? We didn't have any problems with awkward singing at our wedding, although my MIL did have some of her cronies in church with her, so that may have helped. I was also a bit preoccupied with my actual nuptials so probably wouldn't have noticed anyway!

We had:
Praise my Soul the King of Heaven
Give Me Joy in my Heart (which everyone always remembers from school)
Lord of All Hopefulness
Guide Me O Thy Great Redeemer (AKA Bread of Heaven) - which everyone was also quite familiar with

I really wanted Jerusalem, as I love the song, but our vicar wouldn't let us have it!

LittleBearPad · 18/09/2014 23:44

I'd think you were a bit weird to be honest.

What are the hymns. I think you'll be surprised how many people know them, or pick them up by the second verse

ProfYaffle · 18/09/2014 23:51

I'm with wips "I wouldn't mind getting it. I would totally ignore it however!!"

Get the choir to sing, I've only been to one wedding with a choir in church, it was amazing, even for an atheist it's a great experience.

oldspeckledtam · 19/09/2014 07:57

Well you lot would have hated me!

I chose hymns that meant something to me. (Yes me, not dh. Long story...) I wanted people to be able to sing along properly.....

So I paid for a friend to record them and sent all the music out on cd with the invitations. They got the entrance music, the three hymns and our first dance.

It was almost 10 years ago now and I don't regret it! I've only ever had nice comments and the singing on the day was excellent! I didn't check folk were practising or anything like that, but I'm pretty sure most folk played the cd through at least once out of sheer nosiness.

So, op. You aren't as unreasonable as me! I think an email would be lovely! Can you share your choices? I had o for a thousand tongues (the version with male/female parts)' Love Devine, and Great is thy faithfulness.

ToniWol · 19/09/2014 08:11

We didn't do anything like this, but we did have one hymn that was well known (Guide me, O thou Great Redeemer). However as we were both in a choir at the time we'd asked them to sing so there was a good leadership from the front.

Ask about the church choir if there is one. I've done a fair few at our church and if the congregation aren't sure it does help.

MrsJossNaylor · 19/09/2014 08:20

I would hate to get such an email. Send it to immediate family by all means OP - and ask the ushers/bridesmaids to sing -but you'll look like a total bridezilla if you send it to all guests.