To change jobs at the detriment of my son?

[Writerwannabe83]

I'm posting here because I feel torn and would love some advice.

I applied for a job last week and it all happened really quickly. I got caught up in the excitement, filled out the application without really thinking it through properly and now I have an interview next week. Due to the nature of the job and the circumstances the likelihood of me getting the job is relatively high.

There are pros and cons to changing jobs - the most attractive pro being I will earn more. Not a huge amount but maybe £300 a month extra after tax. The work is far more interesting than my current job too.

The downside is that the new job will involve shift work whereas my current job is 9-5.

I'm currently on maternity leave (DS is 5.5 months) and I planned to return to work at the start of February and I have a wonderful childminder lined up.

The new job will mean I have to return to work earlier, find another childminder and the hours would mean that for 3 days a week I wouldn't see DS at all I'm really, really struggling with that. I would miss him so much and I would worry that at 9 months of age he's going to wonder why 'mommy has disappeared' when he has days of not seeing me at all. It sound stupid but it's how I feel.

My DH is telling me not to worry so much and go for it but I just feel uneasy about it all.

Part of me wants to stay in my current job, send DD to the lovely childminder and get to see him every day, but the other part of me feels excited at the prospect of this new job.

Maybe I should just stay in my current job until DS is older so I can be a more constant figure in his life. I don't know. He just seems too young for me to be acting like this when really, his needs should come before my own wants.

Had anyone else had to make choices like this??

Does it get easier though when the children start childcare 4/5 days a week? How do you stop yourself missing them to the point where it just becomes the norm?

Everyone is different, so there's no answer to that question.

However for me, yes, it got easier. A lot easier. Of course when you are on maternity leave it will be a massive change going back to work because you are going from your DC being with you pretty much 100% of the time, but I found that once I settled back into work I didn't miss DD as much because I didn't associate her with work. I can spend 10-11 hours out of the house between work and commuting and not miss her at all, but on the rare occasion she is at a grandparent's house, say, and I'm home in the evening without her, I miss her because home is where I am used to seeing her.

The first few months are a shock to the system and it can be easier to question your decision to go back to work, but I'd always advise giving it that few months to settle in before making any rash decisions.

My feelings on childcare have changed as she's grown older too. Yes, at 8mo it seemed harder leaving her in childcare. At 2 I know see it as a good thing. She's older, active, curious - childcare socialises her, takes her to clubs and play centres, gives structure to her day, more than it would have if she was at home all day with me because I am more of a lazy arse.

What Thurlow said (and she is ALWAYS right).

I found it got much easier very quickly. The first week I cried all the time and counted down the hours and minutes to when I could pick 9mo dd up. By the end of the first month, it all felt totally normal and the whole family was comfortable with the new routine.

It's now nearly 9 months later now, and I honestly feel that going back to work when I did was the best decision ever. The time with dd is so much more precious, but I have loads more energy for her than I did when it was just me and her every day. I'm also seeing the HUGE benefits she gets out of nursery (which I'm sure will be the same with a cm), which helps any lingering feelings of guilt.

I know not everyone is this fortunate, but you'll never know unless you give this excellent opportunity a whirl!

Thank you for the reassurance about childcare

I'm sitting on my stairs whilst DS is asleep and wondering how it is that DH is off to Italy for a week with no qualms about leaving DS 'without a daddy' for that long whereas I'm agonising over and beating myself up about the fact that for 3 days out of 7 DS will only see me for dream feeds.

There's just no logic to it is there?!

My DS is 18mths, I often work a similar pattern to what you're looking at doing. The only real difference is that DH looks after him full time when I'm working. It works fine for us and I feel like I get more quality time with DS rather than just the rush of dinner, bath, bed in the evening.

DS doesn't seem to have suffered any ill effects, he's a happy and confident little boy and has a fantastic relationship both with me and his father.

No, there's no logic at all!

If it's any reassurance, DD has probably spent more time overall with DP for the past two years, since I went back to work f/t. She certainly has more days alone with him than she has alone with me.

But when she is poorly, or upset in the middle of the night, it's definitely still "Mummmmeeeee" that she wants

I'm a nurse and I went back to my training and doing three 12 hour shifts a week when DD2 was about 5 months old.
It was hard at times, for example I ended up missing her first steps and didn't see her for the following two days either as I was on placement. On the other hand I got to see her all day on my days off, which was and still is lovely!
When it comes down to it I think shifts work better as you have more quality time with the dcs, rather than just an hour or two before they go to bed Mondays to Fridays!

I hadn't even thought about missing milestones - but I guess is be even more likely to miss them if DS was in childcare four days a week as opposed to two.

All I've got to do now is find the time to do all the interview prep work - not easy with a poorly and clingy baby constantly in my arms

Think long term.
Do you plan more children? Which job will make life easier in the long run in terms of covering long school holidays, sickness, etc etc? MY DS are much older now but childcare remains my biggest headache.

Definitely don't plan on any more children and my DH is a teacher so childcare isn't an issue in the holidays.

In what way is it a headache for you?

Many people with 5 month old babies don't plan on having any more. Don't plan your future with only one possibility in mind.

I have a few health problems that made pregnancy risky and I was signed off sick at 14 weeks gestation for the remainder of my pregnancy. Me and DH had to have pre-conception counselling with my Consultants regarding risks to me and the baby and from then on me and DH always said that if we had a healthy baby and I also came out of the pregnancy unscathed then we'd count our blessings and stop at the one

I've had a few wobbles about that decision and pining for another and feeling sad about never being pregnant again but after discussing it at length with DH we have decided to stick to our original decision

im a nurse and work 12 hour shifts, i normally get in at night and put my baby to bed , but the bonus is i get 4 days off with the kids.

I'm going to chime in late to the party and say the new job sounds better for you and your ds.

Also, it means that your dp will have to take full responsibility for care of your ds on two days after work and a full day at the weekend. It's so easy to fall into the trap of working full-time and doing everything childcare wise as well, just because you're 'mum'. This way will likely be more equitable and build less resentment.

I would take it. If it helps, don't say "I won't see DS for three days", but that " I'll hardly see him for three days". He may well be awake in time for a cuddle in the morning, you can peek in at him when you get back.

I haven't read the whole thread.

I'm interested in the title. Do you think it will be to his detriment - all cons, or do you think that it will be some pros and some cons to him.

If you think all the cons are to him and all the pros to you ... then as a very little one, I'd say put it off for a few years.

Do you work 3 12 hour shifts? That means he has 4 full days with you? Won't he have more time with you? I know loads of people who do this and they've been fine! Small children understand a lot!

If I got offered and took the job I would be doing two 12.5 hr shifts and one 7.5 hour shift.

I was speaking to DH about it earlier and I said I really don't think I could cope with 3 full days away from DS so instead of working three long days I wo request to work two long days and one 'normal' day

If I got offered and took the job I would be doing two 12.5 hr shifts and one 7.5 hour shift.

I was speaking to DH about it earlier and I said I really don't think I could cope with 3 full days away from DS so instead of working three long days I wo request to work two long days and one 'normal' day

Sorry - my phone went a bit mental and posted before I was done.

With me doing one shift of 7.5 hours it means I would be able to collect DS from the childminders at about 4pm so we'd have the evening together

Congratulations on the job offer. It does seem like although you will miss him a couple of days you will get more time with him x

I haven't had the interview yet, lol, never mind the offer

The interview is just a formality really though - hence why I want to make sure changing jobs is something I really want to do. I don't want things to snowball and then before I know it I'm in the new job and upset all the time about not being able to see DS

ooops missed the "if " at the start of your post

I'm a midwife and was when my youngest was born so have done shift work throughout his wee life. I can hand on heart say I have had much more time with him in his formative years than I did with my daughter, given enough notice I can be there for almost all his 'events' by making sure I request those days off so not using up precious annual leave time, I'd go for it if I were you. Yes it's difficult when they're in bed when you get up and in bed when you sleep but when you get those (up to 10 days in my case) days off between shifts it's honestly great and work can become a pleasant interlude to SAHM'ness. I honestly think in shift work I have the best of both worlds, I can be there for my children, yet still have an independence in that I can provide for myself and both our children have a wonderful relationship with DH as he is often their sole carer (if I'm at work all weekend) and in parenting we definitely have 50/50 shared responsibility. I would hate to go back 9-5 now.

The more I think about the more I like the idea of much more shared care of DS as I think we're falling into the trap of me being the main carer.....