Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To change jobs at the detriment of my son?

203 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 16/09/2014 15:09

I'm posting here because I feel torn and would love some advice.

I applied for a job last week and it all happened really quickly. I got caught up in the excitement, filled out the application without really thinking it through properly and now I have an interview next week. Due to the nature of the job and the circumstances the likelihood of me getting the job is relatively high.

There are pros and cons to changing jobs - the most attractive pro being I will earn more. Not a huge amount but maybe £300 a month extra after tax. The work is far more interesting than my current job too.

The downside is that the new job will involve shift work whereas my current job is 9-5.

I'm currently on maternity leave (DS is 5.5 months) and I planned to return to work at the start of February and I have a wonderful childminder lined up.

The new job will mean I have to return to work earlier, find another childminder and the hours would mean that for 3 days a week I wouldn't see DS at all Sad I'm really, really struggling with that. I would miss him so much and I would worry that at 9 months of age he's going to wonder why 'mommy has disappeared' when he has days of not seeing me at all. It sound stupid but it's how I feel.

My DH is telling me not to worry so much and go for it but I just feel uneasy about it all.

Part of me wants to stay in my current job, send DD to the lovely childminder and get to see him every day, but the other part of me feels excited at the prospect of this new job.

Maybe I should just stay in my current job until DS is older so I can be a more constant figure in his life. I don't know. He just seems too young for me to be acting like this when really, his needs should come before my own wants.

Had anyone else had to make choices like this??

OP posts:
BitchPeas · 16/09/2014 15:59

I went back to shift work when DS was 12 weeks old. Every other day I wouldn't really see him due to working hours. This went on till he was 4. He's now nearly 7 and I have been promoted twice and have no money worries, good working hours and excellent annual leave.

At the time it was horrible, I cried, he cried, I was judged harshly. But coming out the other side I wouldn't change it for the world as our quality of life is so much better because I did it. His teachers always say he is a very confident, mature and sociable child. He saw a speech therapist when he was 3.5 and she asked about home life, I told her, with tears in my eyes as I felt so guilty. She had nothing but praise, saying how it takes a village blah blah and how I was doing the right thing as in the long run he would benefit greatly. Made me feel better!

His childhood is going to last another decade. Think about the pros and cons long term.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 16/09/2014 16:00

On the days I work DH will be responsible for getting him dressed, doing breakfast, getting him to the childminder, picking him up from the childminder, getting dinner and doing bedtime. On my weekend shift DH will be doing everything for DS.

The shifts mean is leave the house at 06.45am and get back about 21.15pm.

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 16/09/2014 16:00

Can't you ask for reduced hours in the new role? You say you can't afford it but what about forgoing the pay rise - depending on the numbers, you may be able to earn the same as you do now for less hours?

If they really want you (as you indicate), is there room for manoeuvre?

pandarific · 16/09/2014 16:01

I'm going to go slightly against the grain of the responses so far and give the advantages of going for the job - only you can decide if it's for you, and it's entirely your decision, but I think it's telling that you seem excited by the prospect of the work. Good luck whatever you decide OP!

  • an upward move means more money in the short term (good) and also in the long term, potentially better careers prospects (good)
  • that means that if you did take it, once you'd been there long enough to get good experience you could move on to a different job with more flexibility - senior positions = more flexible as you have more bargaining power
  • he won't remember this time as he's only 9 months - might it be worth trading this time for hopefully future time with him that he will be able to remember? This doesn't solve you missing him of course!
  • the added money could be put toward e.g. a cleaner so the time you have with him is just for enjoyment, not split up into anything else

If it were me I'd definitely go to the interview anyway - you can learn so much about a place at interview, it may help you make the decision.

DoJo · 16/09/2014 16:02

Could you write a pros and cons list? It might help you to quantify the value you put on the various aspects of a potential change. Could you work out the total number of hours you would be spending with him, put the figures in black and white and then do what your heart is telling you anyway, because logic can only take you so far...

furcoatbigknickers · 16/09/2014 16:03

So you will spend four whole days with him instead of 2 currently. No brainer, take the job

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 16/09/2014 16:04

I could work less hours in the new job but it would mean I would have to work on Saturday and Sunday to make up the money - and I don't want two days in a row at work, plus I would never see DH Sad

And to whoever asked above, apologies for not remembering who, but no I won't work nights.

OP posts:
thewavesofthesea · 16/09/2014 16:05

I spend four days a week at home and three at work, and have done since my oldest was 8 months. Sometimes I have had to work extra days too, weekends, evenings and nights. I really value my time with my boys but couldn't not work; I admire those who can be SAHMs full time! Both boys have never been in any doubt (I hope) that I am always there for them, and when they are not with me they can often be with their dad. And having 3 days of weekdays free will be v beneficial when he starts school.

ConcreteElephant · 16/09/2014 16:06

Your DS will be in childcare for just 2 days rather than 4? With DH for a day and you for 4 days? You get to earn more in a more interesting job?

It is a shame that you would have to end your mat leave sooner than planned but I can't see anything else that would bother me in your shoes. I'd go for the interview and see what happens - your gut reaction to getting (or not) the job could tell you more about what you really want to do than any guessing in advance.

I'm a WOHM, full-time after DD was born, part-time after DS came along - recently reduced my hours a little more to accommodate DD starting school. I'd be lying if I said there haven't been times when I've wished I was home more but on the whole we've all been pretty happy (good child care is essential - my DC adore their childminder) and we found the right balance for our family and you will too.

sunbathe · 16/09/2014 16:11

I think it sounds fine, Writer. Flowers Your ds will be having lots of time with dh too.

Timetoask · 16/09/2014 16:13

Working away from 9-5 (plus commute) will probably mean that you won't see you child as much as you'd like to anyway (they sleep very early when little). The new jobs probably gives you a better option (and the baby gets to be with his dad one full day which is good as well)

Treats · 16/09/2014 16:13

Seriously - I would so much prefer to be able to spend 3 days just focussing on my job and 4 days just focussing on my children, rather than the 5 days I currently spend having to divide my attention between the two. Have you thought about it that way?

Another positive is that your DS will get to spend some quality time with BOTH parents - if DH has sole care of him on one of the days while you're at work, they will develop their own relationship, independent of you, which will be hugely beneficial for both of them.

But wait and see what happens at the interview. You might find out more about the job which sways your opinion one way or the other.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 16/09/2014 16:14

Would you need to change the childcare days each week?

RunnerHasbeen · 16/09/2014 16:16

I think it would actually be harder to go to a job you don't like, that bores you, 9-5 every day, you would be constantly questioning why you were doing it and feeling bad that this is what you gave up time with your DS for.

The new job sounds more like you would enjoy your day, be happier overall and spend more actual hours with your DS. I would prefer whole days together where you can meet other mums and take him to things like swimming than doing dinner and bedtime every day.

That is just me though, you will have to go on what suits you. I do think you are focussing too much on the guilt and the new things about the job and not on the positives. You could even put the extra money in an account for your DS if it would help with the guilt and feel more like you are doing it for him.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 16/09/2014 16:17

Childcare days would need to change from week to week but the prospective new childminder can accommodate that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 16/09/2014 16:19

Sorry if it seems I'm not replying to individual posts but I can't keep up. I appreciate everyone's responses though Thanks

OP posts:
FurryGiraffe · 16/09/2014 16:22

How flexible is he sleep wise? Could you get him up a bit earlier for a bit of mummy time before work? (And poss compensate with more daytime sleep/earlier bed). Mine is usually up 6-6.30 so even though I have to leave by 7 we get a bit of a cuddle. Have to be super organised with other stuff though!

icymaiden · 16/09/2014 16:23

so if the new job is shiftwork, aren't you going to be asleep on some of your days off?

KatherinaMinola · 16/09/2014 16:26

I couldn't have done it - couldn't have gone back f/t after nine months, and couldn't have spent three days away from dc.

However...if you feel you can do it, it sounds like a good option. pandarific's points are very valid (I disagree with "he won't remember this time", but agree with all the others). An extra £300 a month is a lot of money. I don't think YWBU to go for it.

Could your DH drop a day at work? Or two days? Then you wouldn't need childcare at all. Would it make you feel better to know ds was with a parent?

Anyway, I'd go to the interview. I agree that your gut instinct will tell you what you want to do.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 16/09/2014 16:26

Why would I be asleep on my days off?

OP posts:
msrisotto · 16/09/2014 16:27

What RunnerHasBeen said really - You would be happier in the short term (at work) and the long term.

OnlyLovers · 16/09/2014 16:28

If you were happier and more fulfilled in your new job, you might feel like a better mum on the days when you did see him. A fulfilled and energised parent is also a good role model for a child.

Three days of complete uninterrupted time with your son might be lovely and more 'quality time' than seeing him just for a morning or an afternoon.

I bet a father wouldn't agonise so much over this. Women are under so much pressure to be the parent at home.

Obviously you have to make the decision alone, ultimately, and if you don't want to take a new job then don't; but only do it if that's what you want, not because you feel guilty about what time you 'should' be spending with your child.

Gileswithachainsaw · 16/09/2014 16:31

I'd take it. Working 9-5 you'd only see your ds awake 4 hours a day anyway most of which will be spent getting up dressed and fed or into bed. You'd spend far more actual quality time with him in.the 4 whole days you'd have.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 16/09/2014 16:32

I love the idea of four uninterrupted days with DS in the new job. In my current job I'd only see him briefly in the morning before taking him to that childminders and then only seeing him a few hours in the evening before bed.

OP posts:
Honsandrevels · 16/09/2014 16:33

It sounds absolutely fine, if not better than the other job. Anyone who works, no matter what days, hours etc feels guilty but there is no need. A great job, reduced childcare costs, 4 days together.