To change jobs at the detriment of my son?

[Writerwannabe83]

I'm posting here because I feel torn and would love some advice.

I applied for a job last week and it all happened really quickly. I got caught up in the excitement, filled out the application without really thinking it through properly and now I have an interview next week. Due to the nature of the job and the circumstances the likelihood of me getting the job is relatively high.

There are pros and cons to changing jobs - the most attractive pro being I will earn more. Not a huge amount but maybe £300 a month extra after tax. The work is far more interesting than my current job too.

The downside is that the new job will involve shift work whereas my current job is 9-5.

I'm currently on maternity leave (DS is 5.5 months) and I planned to return to work at the start of February and I have a wonderful childminder lined up.

The new job will mean I have to return to work earlier, find another childminder and the hours would mean that for 3 days a week I wouldn't see DS at all I'm really, really struggling with that. I would miss him so much and I would worry that at 9 months of age he's going to wonder why 'mommy has disappeared' when he has days of not seeing me at all. It sound stupid but it's how I feel.

My DH is telling me not to worry so much and go for it but I just feel uneasy about it all.

Part of me wants to stay in my current job, send DD to the lovely childminder and get to see him every day, but the other part of me feels excited at the prospect of this new job.

Maybe I should just stay in my current job until DS is older so I can be a more constant figure in his life. I don't know. He just seems too young for me to be acting like this when really, his needs should come before my own wants.

Had anyone else had to make choices like this??

I think I'm worried about DS will react to me not bring there when I've been the constant person in his life for 9 months. I can't bear to think of him bring upset and abandoned. I know that's stupid though seeing as he will be with DH.

If I get the job we will definitely have a few trial runs of DH doing bedtime and I will go and stay at my moms for the night or something.

DS is EBF and I also worry how we can make the transition to him not needing/wanting my milk and being able to go to sleep without it in just three months.

Why does life have to be so complicated.

Hi - I'm at work so I haven't read all the replies, only your posts for the most part. Personally, I can only see upsides to this new role. End of.

You
You get a more challenging role, more experience, opportunity of promotion long term, higher salary and presumably pension payments.
You will be returning to a job which will interest and motivate you, which will result in a happier parent.
You will actually spend more time with your child.

DH
DS will spend more time with his father one on one time, and will begin to see his father as much as a carer as you are.
DS will build a closer relationship with his father.
DH will have more confidence with DS and provided he is prepared to put in some effort [not park him in front of the tv and microwave food you have prepared for him]

DS
Will spend less time in formal childcare at such a young age and more time with his two parents/and eventually sibling(s) should any come along.

Everyone
500 a month better off is not to be sneezed at, regardless of your income. That's 6000 pa plus pension and other benefits.

I think you would be mad not to take it personally.

Writer - I was put at risk of redundancy during my first mat leave, and in order not to be made redundant had to accept an alternative role which involved long haul travel for a minimum period of a week on a monthly basis.
I can honestly say that the only person who had it tough was DH as he was at home with a teething 8 month old. I was skyping in for 30 mins in the evenings, and then going out for dinner or sitting in a hotel room getting a great nights sleep, and 12,000 miles away from a To Do list of household admin.
Yes it was stressful and hard going back to work. If someone had offered me a compressed week I'd have jumped at it. Yes you might not see DS before bedtime, but they are very often tired and crotchety then anyway. Especially after a busy day with a childcarer.
In your scenario where you are unlikely to be working 3 days straight, then alternative nights where Daddy reads the story is a lovely thing for a child, and please trust me on this. If you are not there, you won't be missed. As soon as you walk in the door, you will be the ONLY person who will do !

It's been lovely to watch my DD's relationship with her Dad evolve and part of it's strength has been from literally dropping him in it at the deep end 3 yrs ago.

The ebf thing - DD was mix fed but gave up on formula around 7 months, just when I was trying to wean her. STRESSFUL She would not take a bottle [all 4 top teeth were coming down at once] and went on a complete milk strike. All kinds of fun and games ensued.

Weirdly DD2 was v similar, they both rejected bottles at the same age having been mix fed since birth. Clearly I breed contrary children but DD2 is a milk hound and a period of feeling poorly and only wanting milk put her back on a bottle as my boobs were not up to delivering more. Exploit the opportunity if you can :)

I recommend dropping a feed every second week. It's easier on your body

I have to say that the idea of DH taking more responsibility is a huge benefit in my eyes. At the moment I'm the nurturing parent doing all the day-to-day mundane parental stuff whereas DH gets to be the fun parent for a few hours when he comes home from work before I start doing bedtime. I will admit there has been some resent and small arguments about how everything seems to be my responsibility when it comes to looking after DS. I agree that giving DH the chance to care for DS in ways that I normally do would probably make their relationship really blossom.

I have also told DH that if I do get and take the job then it will be him who has to take the day off if the childminder is sick and it will also have to be him who will have to stay off work if DS is unwell

Re the weaning. If DS will take a bottle of formula or ebm, you are laughing. Once you start on solid food you will naturally drop feeds anyway, one every few weeks or so.
If you plan to do baby led weaning, and need to wean off ebf it can be a little more complicated as the milk feeds tend to drop off more slowly as far as I know. As my DD wouldn't consume milk from any vessel, we went down the puree spoonfeeding route as we could ensure that she was getting enough grub. It was also easier to add tons of milk and cheese to everything she ate.

It's a gross generalisation and there are always exceptions but boys tend to be greedier and more food focused than girls. He won't starve himself and will be waving a sausage at you or flipping mashed sweet potato all over you before you can blink

Good for you Writer !

I did a Gina Ford style day planner for DH which he laughed at, took the piss out of and then later admitted had been a huge help. As did MIL which was hilarious as she can be a bit of a know it all.
PM me with your email address and I'll send it to you if you would like it.

We weren't going to do BLW as it seems a bit of a faff to me DS had got a little spoon which we give to him to play with and he's always putting it in his mouth - plus like you said, using purées and mashed foods makes it easier to get milk and other dairy products into their diet. I won't worry do much then about him not feeding from me.

We have tried DS with a bottle but he completely refuses. We do have a sippy cup which we have used 3 times to either give him expressed milk or water and he seems interested in it. He hasn't perfected the technique but he will happily put the spout in his mouth and weirdly suck it to get the fluid out - he does really well actually and hardly spills any.

I will PM you then as DH will probably need all the help he can get at first

I think you'd be mad not to take it - better job, more money, and only two days' childcare sounds great! And a whole day for your DS to spend just with your DH is brilliant for both of them.

I went back 30 hours a week when DD1 was about 20 weeks and kept her EBF til she self-weaned at about 18months. She took EBM when she was very little but once she got older and periods between milk stretched, I was able to just feed her in the morning and evening, with EBM in the freezer if needed. She wouldn't take a bottle at first but we just had to persevere - I left the house while DH fed her.

The constant expressing was hard on me - I was probably a bit mad to keep her on purely EBM / EBF, precious firstborn and all that but it worked and I really enjoyed the return to work, once I got over the initial shock!

Yes your DH being more involved is something that will just keep paying off, we're years down the line and we're trying to reset this a bit with dc2. Dd1 was a continual bottle refuser, at nursery she'd take 3 oz and wait it out for a big feed at the end of the day but by the time she was 10 months she just decided to stop bf as she was eating enough food, sounds like your ds will start taking more from cups.

Yes and only two days where your dh has to get him to cminders - that can be so stressful getting them up and ready and out of the house in time to get to work. Then managing to get out of work to collect them in time. If you're doing it every day it's really difficult because you just have to leave work unfinished and go. You've got lots of lovely days getting up leisurely and sitting about in your pyjamas. I think it will be a lot calmer for you as a family.

I actually think 4 full days with your child and one full day with his dad is better than 2 full days of quality time (I.e. weekends) and 5 days of a couple of hours of rushing dinner, bath, bed.

I would go for the new job if it was me.. you will still see him even if its just a quick cuddle in his cot when you come home!

I would go for it, more money, more fulfillment, DH taking more of an active parenting role. It all sounds positive. I think the reality is that your LO is still little, and those three days where mum is at work and dad looks after him will just become his new normal. Millions of dad barely see their children during the week because of work, and no one blinks at that.

Good luck with your interview.

Personally I think it would be tricky at first but once your ds is a bit older (toddler) you'll really appreciate having more daytime hours with them to do things together over doing the bedtime / early mornings, as long as your dh is around at those times. I think more time spent with either parent rather than childcare more than balances out the issue of sometimes not seeing you on a single day.

Millions of dad barely see their children during the week because of work, and no one blinks at that.

This. And no one worries about the mothers of these children being able to 'cope' with taking them to the childminder or looking after them if they're ill, or gives a second thought to who will take time off work if necessary.

Id do it. I currently do and have done since dd was 7 months.

I work shifts at an airport three days a week. I manage. Dd gets time with family and at school (pre school she was at nursery), leaving me with 4 days of quality time with dd

I think, given the amount of time you would get to spend with him, that it would be ok. So long as you don't have to not see him 2 consecutive days, it wouldn't affect him that much.

BUt I will add in this cautionary tale: I used to work with a lady, years ago, who had a short maternity leave and came back full time with her first child. Then she got pg again, and she came back only part time, and then left completely after a few weeks - she said she felt that she'd missed out on so much with her first child and she didn't want to miss out on it all again with no. 2.

Having said that, you won't be missing out on so much, because you'll still be with your DS 4 full days a week, from what you've said; and that's probably better than doing 2 full days (weekends) and 5 evenings.

All I can say is I think you should at least try it, see how it goes, once you're in the role you might be able to negotiate some wriggle room and if not, then you'll have to re-think and try for another job instead. It won't tie you in forever!

Four days with your son would be fab. Would you have any family days though? Will you have any time off with your husband?

I would also check that any new terms and conditions of the new job will not "require" you to work extra days for emergency cover etc. Will you be able to limit yourself to 3 days.?

Thanks everyone,

In terms of time with my DH we would only have Saturday as a day we'd all be together but during the week he's home by 4pm-4.30pm so we'd have evenings together when I wasn't at work. He's also a teacher so we will have all the half terms and summer holidays together too.

I feel like I'm trying to justify it to myself why taking the job wouldn't be a big deal in terms of how it effects us as a family unit....

I have to admit I haven't read the whole thread, but it sounds like a perfect work pattern to me - loads more time with DS rather than snatched hours each side of a working day. Why would you not, unless you can't find a childminder who you like and trust to do the days you need?

They don't ask us to work extra days but they will ask us to swap shifts if staffing levels are low. I'd have no problem with this is given sufficient notice and the childminder could accommodate it. If she couldn't then I just wouldn't swap my shift. There's about 20 nurses on the ward so lots to pick and choose from when it comes to swapping shifts

I would go for it if I were you. The extra days when you get to spend the whole days with your son will be worth it (I wprk 9-5 and know that the few hours morning/evening aren't really quality time) and you dh taking more of lead in childcare will be good for everyone. Plus you get a good job, more money which you could perhaps use for some lovely holidays etc. It's win-win in my eyes!

stealth - the only reason I wouldn't is if I felt I couldn't cope with having so much time away from DS and also the worry as up how it may effect him with me suddenly disappearing. It's guilt I think

Writer it honestly sounds like a win-win situation for everyone. Please don't pay attention to the people on here who are trying to guilt-trip you about your choices. I can't imagine anyone saying any of these things to a father.

The other thing to remember is that no decision has to be permanent - if you find it's not working out, you can always find another job or work out another pattern.