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Original poster

To change jobs at the detriment of my son?

203 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 16/09/2014 15:09

I'm posting here because I feel torn and would love some advice.

I applied for a job last week and it all happened really quickly. I got caught up in the excitement, filled out the application without really thinking it through properly and now I have an interview next week. Due to the nature of the job and the circumstances the likelihood of me getting the job is relatively high.

There are pros and cons to changing jobs - the most attractive pro being I will earn more. Not a huge amount but maybe £300 a month extra after tax. The work is far more interesting than my current job too.

The downside is that the new job will involve shift work whereas my current job is 9-5.

I'm currently on maternity leave (DS is 5.5 months) and I planned to return to work at the start of February and I have a wonderful childminder lined up.

The new job will mean I have to return to work earlier, find another childminder and the hours would mean that for 3 days a week I wouldn't see DS at all Sad I'm really, really struggling with that. I would miss him so much and I would worry that at 9 months of age he's going to wonder why 'mommy has disappeared' when he has days of not seeing me at all. It sound stupid but it's how I feel.

My DH is telling me not to worry so much and go for it but I just feel uneasy about it all.

Part of me wants to stay in my current job, send DD to the lovely childminder and get to see him every day, but the other part of me feels excited at the prospect of this new job.

Maybe I should just stay in my current job until DS is older so I can be a more constant figure in his life. I don't know. He just seems too young for me to be acting like this when really, his needs should come before my own wants.

Had anyone else had to make choices like this??

OP posts:
snapple · 16/09/2014 21:59

I do 3 days a week where I pretty much work 12 hours per day consecutive days. I then get 4 days out of every week with my 2 children. I will be around to take a work call if needed on the 2 week days but other than that I am free.

I have done this since my second was 8 or 9 months.

It works for me. I love that I save on travel. Not so good is trying to fit in housework or decent meals on my long work days.

I still am breastfeeding my youngest so he often wakes during the night but other than that I do not get to really see my children for 3 days in a row apart from a short catch up.

It has been great now that my youngest has started school as there are two week days that I can do a drop off and pick up and it really feels luxurious to be able to wander to school, then indulge my youngest and then pick him up again.

Aliceingallifrey 6 days not seeing kids is tough.

I pinch myself as I know plenty of women who used to return to work after a six or eight week break! Also if I did not get this flexibility my role would be 5 days a week and long hours so for me long hours for 3 days works well.

Good luck with your decision.

DancingDinosaur · 16/09/2014 22:00

I think it sounds ok really. For 5 days he'll have one of his parents, and 2 days childcare. I'd do it tbh.

Rockclimbingtigger · 16/09/2014 22:06

I'm a nurse and do this.

I work 2-3 13 hour days and don't see my son or daughter at all as they're in bed when I leave and return.

Having said that I get 4-5 days at home with them which many working mums don't.

As a nurse it's rare to find the luxury of a 9-5 job - I've been working rotational shifts since my daughter was 6 months old (she's now 4 and at school) and she honestly seems fine. You have to be ultra organised with requests to make sure you make important days but it's perfectly doable and plenty of shift workers do. I can't imagine ever doing 5 days of 9-5, I would hate that. Having days off in the week, my son and I get time to do cool stuff when it's not busy!!

tortoisesarefab · 16/09/2014 22:10

I work long days op and it is fine. I only do 2 a week so mine is probably more manageable. I have also worked 9-5 and by the time you drop them off and pick them up, get back and cook tea etc you don't feel like you spend that much time with them anyway. My dc's are up before I go to work ( they get up about 6!) and they are sometimes still up when I get home so I do see them. I also have 5 days a week where I am with them all the time and we can have days out, do activities and baby groups so I very much feel that I spend the majority of my time with them. I never work 2 days together

ElizabethMedora · 16/09/2014 22:13

I think 3 long days is better than 5 ordinary days, tbh. On the ordinary days you don't actually get quality time with the DC, you are rushing out of the house in the morning & rushing back into bedtime in the evening. Get the work out of the way & enjoy the rest of the time with your DC.

5madthings · 16/09/2014 22:13

I think it sounds like s great opportunity and means less childcare for ds and you would see him more.

9-5 plus commute means justvwitching hour/bedtime routine. Four full days with him is great! Go for it!

18yearstooold · 16/09/2014 22:23

I worked shifts from 12 weeks with both my dds in the dark days of 12 weeks of mat leave

It worked for us -they spent less time in childcare and once preschool started I was often available for Christmas concerts, stay and play sessions etc

All these people saying 'I couldn't be away from my baby' are not seeing the full picture and the long term benefits

It may be right for their family but it's not right for everyone's

mum9876 · 16/09/2014 22:49

I did similar but my baby was a little bit older - I think around 11 months.

It worked really well. Dd didn't seem to really notice that much - she was with dh on the Saturday, gma another day and cminder the third day. She liked all of them - particularly going to the cminders where she made some friends she still has 8 years later. I was able to take her out to toddler groups where she made some friends before starting school. I did find I saw her on my work days because she'd still be awake some nights, or would wake up during the night. Then had a whole year and half of getting up at 5am around age 2.

It's a lot better than 9-5 when they're school age. You'd only need after school club a couple of days a week. They can do things after school and have friends round. In the holidays (and this is something I really miss now I work 9-3) you can take them out for whole days without taking annual leave.

If you look at the future, these hours would be much better long-term and that time does go very quickly.

Twelve hour shifts were quite tiring though. I wasn't good for much on my days off. I forced myself to go out for a couple of hours in the morning then we'd have lovely snuggly times at home in the afternoons.

I'd go for it if it were me.

feathermucker · 16/09/2014 23:20

You do what you feel is best.

Some people on here wouldn't use child are at all; their prerogative, but there is nothing wrong with using a childminder.

3 days a week may seem like a lot to some, but you get 4 full days with your baby, which is more than you'd get if you were doing the 9-5.

In fact , you'll probably see more of baby overall,

Never feel bad for using child care and please don't listen to those who have questioned your proposed plan just a little bit too much.

Also , your partner gets a full day with baby Grin

Dayshiftdoris · 16/09/2014 23:28

I will just clarify I chose 9-5 over shifts even though the job was dire.

The reason being that I was there at bedtime. Sorry but it was really important - more important than the job.

But I will say that I was a single parent - if I had had another parent there doing the 'normal' stuff it probably would have been less of an issue.

Iggi999 · 16/09/2014 23:42

This will do wonders for your dh's relationship with his ds.

Iggi999 · 16/09/2014 23:43

..not that I mean there was anything wrong with it, there's something about having sole care of a child that makes you really close, not just always being there when you are too.

HappyYoni · 17/09/2014 00:42

I think it sounds amazing, your son gets five days a week with his parents, you all get more money and you get an interesting job. Go for it :)

Morloth · 17/09/2014 02:20

I think that sounds fine.

Your son is with his parents for 5 days out of 7.

There are days when DH doesn't see the boys everyone is still attached and happy.

Coughle · 17/09/2014 03:07

Sounds amazing! He will see loads of you and his dad. And it will be good quality time, not just the beginning and end of the day.

Agree with pp, there are days when my kids miss out on seeing their dad because of his work hours - they don't seem traumatised. Do what's best for your family.

AdmitYouKnowImRight · 17/09/2014 03:15

You have to do what is best of r you and your family

Silly comments like this No job is worth a Mum being away from her child for three days every week are designed to undermine your choices and firmly stereotype women. No to mention it belittles anyone on shift work, be that nurse, doctor, ambulance crew, care worker or supermarket shelf stacker.

You do what you have to do to provide for your family appropriately

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 17/09/2014 08:27

Thank you everyone for all your advice. I wasn't about last night so I've had a busy morning catching up on all of the replies and I have to say I'm feeling much more positive Smile

OP posts:
redexpat · 17/09/2014 08:36

But first things first, you have to go to the interview and get offered the job. Good luck!

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 17/09/2014 08:40

The interview is to return to my previous job and my old manager asked me to apply for it hence why I think there's a good chance I may get it. I thinks that's why I feel so daunted by it as I feel there's no way back now and I need to find inner peace about it.

OP posts:
fasterthanthewind · 17/09/2014 08:54

Go for it! I think the new job sounds MUCH better for your DS - 2 days childcare instead of 4.
PLUS it's more interesting for you
PLUS extra money
PLUS a day with just his dad.

I think it sounds brilliant.

DefinitleySpeltWrong · 17/09/2014 09:02

I would go for it too. Your DC will be with his Dad! I really don't see the problem. You will miss him but you will still have lots of time with him.

Hope it goes well. Thanks

WiseGuysHighRise · 17/09/2014 09:06

OP, I was thinking about this last night & this morning when doing the bedtime/school run stuff.

I want to say thank you to you and every nurse/police officer/fire brigade etc who sacrifices time with their family to keep my family safe.

Hope you find your "inner peace" - whatever you decide will be the right decision.

FlouncyMcFlouncer · 17/09/2014 09:11

I would go for it. You will get four days of quality time, and have funds to do things IN that time. Additionally, you will be happier and more fulfilled. You could do 9-5 and come home bored and grumpy to a fractious child who's had a 'meh' kind of day, and BANG goes your quality time THAT day!

If a father was making this decision i think the overriding thought would be 'he/she /they will be fine, they'll have Mum'. You are in the happy position that you can think 'he will be fine, he'll have Dad'. Two days in childcare, five days with parents, as opposed to the other way round? Ideal. Childminders are wonderful and I couldn't do their job, don't get me wrong, but 5:2 with you has to be better!

I have rambled a bit, sorry.

FlouncyMcFlouncer · 17/09/2014 09:14

Oh and just to add - bedtimes. My friend works shifts and misses bedtime a couple of times a week. Every time, without fail, she either records a goodnight message for her DH to play to their DD, or leaves a little note or a tiny surprise. It has become part of her DD's bedroom routine.

ZenNudist · 17/09/2014 09:43

Dh doesn't see our dc for 2-3 days every week. It's fine and should work out for you as long as your dh will be with him and see him that day.

I suspect this is just a reality of being in nursing or anything that required shift work. People who don't do shifts might not understand. Just do what works for you. Remember it's for your ds's benefit that you work not his detriment!