To change jobs at the detriment of my son?

[Writerwannabe83]

I'm posting here because I feel torn and would love some advice.

I applied for a job last week and it all happened really quickly. I got caught up in the excitement, filled out the application without really thinking it through properly and now I have an interview next week. Due to the nature of the job and the circumstances the likelihood of me getting the job is relatively high.

There are pros and cons to changing jobs - the most attractive pro being I will earn more. Not a huge amount but maybe £300 a month extra after tax. The work is far more interesting than my current job too.

The downside is that the new job will involve shift work whereas my current job is 9-5.

I'm currently on maternity leave (DS is 5.5 months) and I planned to return to work at the start of February and I have a wonderful childminder lined up.

The new job will mean I have to return to work earlier, find another childminder and the hours would mean that for 3 days a week I wouldn't see DS at all I'm really, really struggling with that. I would miss him so much and I would worry that at 9 months of age he's going to wonder why 'mommy has disappeared' when he has days of not seeing me at all. It sound stupid but it's how I feel.

My DH is telling me not to worry so much and go for it but I just feel uneasy about it all.

Part of me wants to stay in my current job, send DD to the lovely childminder and get to see him every day, but the other part of me feels excited at the prospect of this new job.

Maybe I should just stay in my current job until DS is older so I can be a more constant figure in his life. I don't know. He just seems too young for me to be acting like this when really, his needs should come before my own wants.

Had anyone else had to make choices like this??

Sorry, four days, not three. That's even better then! Like an Easter bank holiday weekend with him every week. you may be begging for mercy after a while

4 full days with your DS! I would go for the job!

He's asleep on my lap at the moment and I love him so much - I just don't want to do anything that would cause him upset or distress.

Hi OP. I have worked similar to your new proposed role. I worked less hours, I was 23 hours over 2 shifts as a Nurse. I was away from my baby both days so didn't see her much (I snuck in a night feed on my return as she was still breastfed). It worked very well for us. She spent both days with DH though, so I saw it as important bonding time for her and Daddy. They both loved that alone time together.
I had lots of colleagues who were full time (so 3 or 4 shifts a week) on the ward and had young children or became mums not long after me (and all returned to full hours), and it worked well for them too. They used a mix of childcare and family to cover their childcare needs.
I know on paper it sounds hard to be away from them for 3 whole days a week, but the way your shifts work can sometimes mean huge amounts of time off together with your child. Plus you will still have holidays as well as your 4 full days a week with them. (Worked right your 7 days AL could work out more like 14-16 depending on off duty)
Working any amount of hours takes you away from them, and to be honest I think seeing them only briefly 5 days a week and 2 full days is worse than the benefits of getting 4 full days a week with them.
Plus you can always look at being able go in and tuck baby in at bedtime (depending on your shifts - we finished at 7pm - home by 7:30pm so just in time for a kiss!).
I think £300 is a lot of money, and it would be daft not to go to the interview.

I used to work 13 hour shifts as a nurse when DS was 4. There would be 3 days where i wouldn't see him at all and it was awful. Yes i got to see him on the other 4 days but then he started school and wasn't at home all day like before.
It's not too bad when they are babies but it's not good when they get older. DS struggled to cope with not seeing me and i ended up giving up the job.
They are only little once and they grow up very quickly.

*ConcreteElephant_

Your DS will be in childcare for just 2 days rather than 4? With DH for a day and you for 4 days? You get to earn more in a more interesting job?

^^This

I'm not seeing a problem at all. It sounds like you'll get more time with your son overall, more money & better role.

With my increased pay and reduced childcare we will be about £500 better off a month. We keep thinking about how we could use that money to treat DS and go on nice holidays - we can't do that whilst I'm in my current job.

Writer, I don't think you'll cause him any upset. You'll be spending a lot of time with him, and when you're not there his other parent or a fantastic childminder will be.

Maybe I'm overthinking things - like another poster said, I doubt a father would be agonising like this...

I think fairgame sums it up perfectly, working shifts and seeing a small child during the day could work better with a small DC than 9-5 and only seeing them grumpy and ready for bed.

But it might not work as well with a school age child.

Conversely school children have lots of holidays and it's not essential any child is in bed by 7.30 (regardless of age my two would do 9pm without batting an eyelid), so many things are possible if you're flexible.

Writer

Whatever you choose, you can change. I'd be tempted to give it a try, push the start date back as far as you can if you like.

If you don't take all your mat leave, could DH take some.

I'm a nurse and I presume where you will be working you will be doing 'long days'. I had a similar dilemma when my children were small. It is difficult but you need to look at the positives. I was kind of ok with the long hours as not all of the time you are at work will your son be with a childminder or nursery, only a proportion of this. He will be with his dad the rest of the time. I.e evening/ bed time. So in terms of time away from his family, this will be less. As other posters have said he is very young and really will not remember. Thinking long term, My children are now 12 and 10 and need me around now after school more than ever. I now work at a University teaching nurses and this works well with the need to be home when they need me. If I hadn't applied for promotion like you this wouldn't have been possible. Look at this as an investment. ( totally up to you though - it really is a dilemma). Remember you still have annual leave days so you don't work 52 weeks in this situation) my advice is to give it a try for a period of time. Nurses at the moment are in demand and if you are not happy you could look for something else.

DP does shift work, so he has the sort of set-up you describe. He sees more of DD overall than I do, I guess. He looks after her on his days off during the week. Some days he barely sees her for a few days in a row, then he might be home with her for three days in a row.

Doing it from when they are a baby means they grow up not finding it unusual, imo. Sometimes Daddy is there, sometimes he isn't. DD is equally attached to both of us.

Personally I would give it a go, as the pro of shift work is days off during the week where you can still see any mat leave friends or go to groups or soft play, things like that.

And yes, I don't think a man would be questioning this decision.

£500 a month is real serious money, if that's after tax, it runs our cars or pays all our utility bills. Yes I could and would blow it as holiday money (as we do DH's bonus), but it's a properly useful amount.

It will be a wrench going back after maternity whatever you do, but that isn't a reason not to go back to work. This plan has loads of plus points - work that you like the sound of, more days with your LO, less childcare. But also - massive plus - your DH does it all those three days and actually fully properly gets what is involved. You will be much more equal as parents and this will help your marriage no end. Most of us would do anything to go back in time and arrange that!

Gosh, I think the positives vastly outweigh the negatives here.

Four whole days together, which can be quality time, instead of made up of snatched hours or two when you're both knackered at the end of the day.

On the days you're not there, his dad will be there to get him up and dressed and put him to bed, which will let them have a great relationship. Only two days in childcare.

I think you'd be mad not to take it, if the only alternative is 9-5, five days a week. Indeed, I think this 'meets his needs' more than 9-5! And it just happens to be better for you career-wise too. No brainer for the first couple of years of his life, if you're going to work full time.

As others have said, later on when he's in school you'll probably want weekends off so might be good to review then.

I'm a nurse too and do 3 long shifts, ds is 21 months and pregnant with number 2, it's really tough not seeing him the days I'm in work which on occasion has been 3 days in a row but it hasn't affected him at all other than only I'm allowed do bedtime on my days off! He's only with a childminder max 2 days a week, him and dh have a great relationship because of it and it's not all left to me because dh see's how tiring it is on his full weekend days with him! I'd say go for it and if it doesn't work out you can always look for something else!

Sounds like a no - brainer. Take the interesting well paid job that gives you 4 days with your son.

I would say go for it. Four days off with your son is brilliant and £500 is a big pay rise. You will be able to do more with him on your days off!

You can always change it or get a different job if it doesn't work out but you won't be able to get this job again IFSWIM!

He will be absolutely fine he will be with his dad! how lovely for both of them.

I would bite someones hand off for that kind of working arrangement.

I would do it. Definitely.

Overall it is a better mix of hours and childcare. Your DH will be there for him (apart from childcare) so all to the good.

Will these be long days op ?l,m a nurse so get where your coming fromlots of nurses work this way so it can work it can be exhausting though but if you can split the days you work its not too bad some nurses prefer to work them in a row so they get four days off all at once.

I couldn't and wouldn't do it.

Your DS will notice that you're not there imo. He'll get used to it, but he'll notice.

But is money more important than time with my son?

No. Not if you can manage on what you earn now. Keep looking, there may be something better out there that doesn't require you not seeing your son.

I think fairgame sums it up perfectly, working shifts and seeing a small child during the day could work better with a small DC than 9-5 and only seeing them grumpy and ready for bed.

That's looking at it from the parent's perspective, not the child's.

And as for men not questioning that kind of job - some would. My DH, my SiL, my DS and a number of others that I could mention.

3 long days mean 4 whole days off with your DC. You spend more time with them in the week than without them is how I've always looked at it. Win win all round (job wise, money wise, child care etc)