to think a social worker is not needed here

[SoddingCupcakes]

Where to start!

A few months ago DH smoked cannabis. I never approved but he refused to quit. The compromise was that he only ever smoked it in the evenings once the kids were in bed and he always went outside to do so, never in the home. He stuck to this. I was still not happy, but at least it didn't effect the kids.

Or so I thought.

One morning I was woken by banging on the door. I got out of bed and answered - it was two police officers. They explained that they had received an anon phonecall saying someone from this flat smoked cannabis outside. I said it wasn't me. They asked if it was DH and I said I didn't know. They said they were going to leave it for now, but if there were any more reports they would have to do a search of the flat (we live in a massionatte). I said okay, no problem.

I was shuck up after their visit (I have a history of anxiety & depression but am doing well at the mo). I told DH he stops taking cannabis NOW or I am kicking him out. He was shuck up too and agreed, he would quit the cannabis.

Fast forward several months.

A random knock on the door. This time, an 'outreach worker' from the local children's centre. She said I had been referred from my health visitor (WTF?!) because of the cannabis and 'home conditions'. She had a look around, and I'm not going to lie, there was food on the table from breakfast (it was 12noon, I hadn't wiped it yet). She pointed it out, and I said I'd sort it. She then mentioned the cannabis and I broke into tears. I said, DH says he doesn't take cannabis any more. That he used to months ago. I even got her to speak to him on the phone. She seemed to accept this as she didn't mention it again. She asked if I needed help with cleaning, I said no, DH and I are going to blitz the place at the weekend (100% true and we did). She said okay, no further action, she'll just write her report and that'll be the end of it (her words).

One month later - today - I received a phone call - from a social worker, saying she is visiting in the morning. The outreached worker had made a referral, and apparently I knew about this (WTF?) I asked the social worker why she was visiting and she said home conditions and cannabis use.

My children are healthy and meeting their milestones.
The house is 'clean' (albeit we do have damp in the bathroom).
My daughter has 100% attendance at school.
Neither child has behavioural issues.
I am no longer depressed (have greatly reduced anti depressants with GP approval).
DH really did give up cannabis months ago as promised (mutual friends have confirmed this and there is no longer the 'stink' and he hasn't been stoned).

Yet up and down the country, children are being abused and social workers' case loads are heaving. Why are they wasting their time with this?

What do I need to do to end 'professional' involvement in my law-abiding life?

I know this is AIBU but please bare in mind my history of anxiety & depression and the fact that I literally had the social worker phonecall an hour ago and am still shaking.

Advice and support much appreciated.

Thinking of you this morning OP. I hope you managed to get a little sleep last night and that it all goes well today.

Have just read your thread and wanted to wish you luck for today, I hope it goes well.

"I am also fully aware that you are unlikely to get someone who doesn't protest that they 'haven't done anything' and are fine parents. However this doesn't mean that everyone who is referred to SS HAS done something wrong or deserves to be reported. It is exactly that sort of thought process that places such a huge stigma on parents who have to deal with an investigation (however brief) and makes the trauma all the worse."

This, with bells on. I hate the word 'reported' being bandied about. OP has been referred to assess and see if they can offer support. Many parents have not done anything wrong but may need some services/support put in place to help them and thus, help their children.

Best of luck, OP.

drudgetrudy thanks for the comforting post.

Considering your comments here about having them adopted, you're hardly running for Mother of the Year.

My point is, either they take the kids or leave us alone. They won't take the kids because we are good parents, so where does that leave them and their limited resources? Hmmmm?

If you want to get angry with them about that, well I think you only have yourself and your husband to blame.

What exactly have I done wrong re: the neighbours? Not throw out my husband because he wouldn't quit? Is that REALLY what you think would have been best for my DC? Seriously? I think I might the right call, all things considered.

I was feeling all relaxed ready for the SW, and now I'm uptight, so I bid this thread farewell. The SW will be here very soon.

Good luck, I hope it goes ok.

Good luck op

I was fucking furious when my mil reported me to ss, didnt have time to feel anxious about it as they just turned up on the door step. After that visit they closed the case.

House was pretty upside down at the time as was decorating but dcs room was clean and tidy. Exh smoked canabis, we had recently split up due to that and other things. They just told me if I felt ds was at risk to supervise any contact, but left it up to me.

Good luck OP.

Good luck OP. I hope the meeting goes well this morning.

Good luck op, I hope this is the last visit for you

I hope that everything goes as well as possible with the SW today.

Regarding your comment about either SS remove your children or they leave you alone... this is not a realistic understanding of how SS operate. In many many cases, SS will offer additional support and services to parents who need it. Removing children is the last resort if all that fails and children are still at risk. SS exists to support families (contrary to popular opinion), and that is what their limited resources are for. If you are in need of support, then this will be offered - isn't that a good thing?

As for whether you should have thrown your DH out... maybe I am unusual, but if my DH started taking illegal drugs and wouldn't stop, then I would not want to live with him and I wouldn't want my children to live with him. That's not what I would want them to see and think is ok.

It was good. SW was here about 30mins. I took the courage and showed her my damp bathroom. She had a "meh" look on her face and said "that's nothing". She had a look around the rest of the home. I took the great MN advice on this thread and asked her if she could help us with budgeting advice and storage. She said sure thing, I know just the person.

She's visiting 2 more times to fill in loads of forms. That's it really.

After her seeing my bathroom, I feel so calm. There's really nothing to hide now. I'm an open book.

DH was here too. He was a bit huffy but not too bad. I do believe him when he said he's stopped the pot. Do you guys reckon he also needs to stop smoking tobacco outside? Can people complain about that too? I never ever let him smoke indoors or even in the car.

Glad t went well, you must be very relieved

So relieved :) Bit of an anti-climax feeling.

Good news. Well done for keeping calm and cooperating. She's now on your side and working with you, rather than seeing an unrepentant, antagonistic person who needs help, in her eyes.

Ideally DH will give up tobacco too, but if he needs to smoke, he needs to smoke. Just make sure he varies where he smokes it, to avoid upsetting the neighbours, and that he is considerate about where his smoke is going.

Obviously your husband cant smoke indoors where the children will be affected, but I wouldn't give the neighbours any opportunity to misunderstand by smoking outside either.

Obviously your husband cant smoke indoors where the children will be affected, but I wouldn't give the neighbours any opportunity to misunderstand by smoking outside either.

I agree. So what should we/I do? I can't force him to stop.

Altinkum the budgeting was literally basic stuff. Both DH and I are crap and don't even having any savings. If SW can help with that, she has made a MASSSIVE improvement to our life and our relationship.

Smoking tobacco is not illegal and he can do it where he likes, even inside the house (although you may not want him to for obvious reasons!) but there's no "obviously he can't" about it.

Budget wise though, we've saved literally about £200 last month since DH switched to using an e-cig. I'm amazed! Might be worth mentioning. But it's really his decision whether he smokes or not.

I am glad the visit went well.

But I am afraid I disagree with your last statement.

Your DH is a husband and a father. And if his smoking is costing the family £200 a month then it is a family decision. If he spent £200 a month on a hobby and your household was suffering from it, would you still say its his decision?

OP, is your DH a reasonable man, or do you find yourself making sacrifices for him?

It may be 'heavy handed' it may not be. The trouble is, I doubt there is a mother anywhere who hasn't been totally outraged, indignant, bewildered and felt hard done by and persecuted when SS have knocked on her door to say they have concerns and would like to investigate further.

I bet there's not one of them who doesn't say 'Why us? why not concentrate on people with real problems? Our kids are perfectly fine, some malicious person has it in for us.'

Without wishing to cast aspersions on the OP, many, many of those outraged and bewildered people are neglecting or abusing their children. Maybe because they are cruel or lazy, maybe because they are ill and need support to find their way out of a horrible mire.

But I bet not one of them says' Oh, I'm glad you've come. I'm falling apart here, and I could use some help.'

Beautifully put.

And I realise that it wasnt the OP who stated the £200 per month figure. But if you are struggling with budgeting then the first thing to go should be the smoking.