to think a social worker is not needed here

[SoddingCupcakes]

Where to start!

A few months ago DH smoked cannabis. I never approved but he refused to quit. The compromise was that he only ever smoked it in the evenings once the kids were in bed and he always went outside to do so, never in the home. He stuck to this. I was still not happy, but at least it didn't effect the kids.

Or so I thought.

One morning I was woken by banging on the door. I got out of bed and answered - it was two police officers. They explained that they had received an anon phonecall saying someone from this flat smoked cannabis outside. I said it wasn't me. They asked if it was DH and I said I didn't know. They said they were going to leave it for now, but if there were any more reports they would have to do a search of the flat (we live in a massionatte). I said okay, no problem.

I was shuck up after their visit (I have a history of anxiety & depression but am doing well at the mo). I told DH he stops taking cannabis NOW or I am kicking him out. He was shuck up too and agreed, he would quit the cannabis.

Fast forward several months.

A random knock on the door. This time, an 'outreach worker' from the local children's centre. She said I had been referred from my health visitor (WTF?!) because of the cannabis and 'home conditions'. She had a look around, and I'm not going to lie, there was food on the table from breakfast (it was 12noon, I hadn't wiped it yet). She pointed it out, and I said I'd sort it. She then mentioned the cannabis and I broke into tears. I said, DH says he doesn't take cannabis any more. That he used to months ago. I even got her to speak to him on the phone. She seemed to accept this as she didn't mention it again. She asked if I needed help with cleaning, I said no, DH and I are going to blitz the place at the weekend (100% true and we did). She said okay, no further action, she'll just write her report and that'll be the end of it (her words).

One month later - today - I received a phone call - from a social worker, saying she is visiting in the morning. The outreached worker had made a referral, and apparently I knew about this (WTF?) I asked the social worker why she was visiting and she said home conditions and cannabis use.

My children are healthy and meeting their milestones.
The house is 'clean' (albeit we do have damp in the bathroom).
My daughter has 100% attendance at school.
Neither child has behavioural issues.
I am no longer depressed (have greatly reduced anti depressants with GP approval).
DH really did give up cannabis months ago as promised (mutual friends have confirmed this and there is no longer the 'stink' and he hasn't been stoned).

Yet up and down the country, children are being abused and social workers' case loads are heaving. Why are they wasting their time with this?

What do I need to do to end 'professional' involvement in my law-abiding life?

I know this is AIBU but please bare in mind my history of anxiety & depression and the fact that I literally had the social worker phonecall an hour ago and am still shaking.

Advice and support much appreciated.

Mrs DeVere -you said you were fucking furious about being referred.
You have every right to be furious about how the referral was handled with a very inexperienced person making a mess of things.
That's entirely different.
I would be fucking furious about that too.

That's not true, usual. The police will generally warn for a first offence and personal use but they're more likely to take the option of arrest if the user's behaviour is in public view and/or attracting complaints from the public.

The thing is op lying to the police is a red flag.

I have to say from an outsiders point of view is why you needed to lie. To SS that could indicate abuse at home, that you was scared of DH reaction if you said yes it was him smoking a spliff outside.

I can understand someone being worried etc but being "fucking furious" sounds more about you than your kids.

I was "fucking furious" too. In my case it was about me and them using my baby to get at me. I was reported by a social worker in adult services who felt my disability meant I was unable to care for my baby. This happened within a week of the Court of Appeal ruling in my favour against them after they refused to provide the support I was legally entitled to and which they spent 3 years arguing through every court that I didn't need as I was perfectly able to manage just like anyone else. The referral was pure spite and retribution for standing up to them and coming out on top. "Fucking furious" doesn't really do justice to the level of anger I felt (and still do).

I work in safeguarding. I understand the importance and that referrals have to be made. But I also understand that it can be the single most traumatic thing that a family ever have to deal with

I've been diagnosed with PTSD following my referral.

But everyone talking about the lying - is it really likely that police and sw are huddled in a little conference analysing whether OP lied or not? Seriously? I find it extremely hard to believe that this would be the case. I doubt the police had anything to do with this at all. It's probably an overzealous outreach worker.

They don't have the time or resources to analyse comments and speculate about dv quite frankly. I don't know why OP has been referred but I really don't think she's done anything drastically wrong. Morally perhaps but in the eyes of the law/ss, this is really not anywhere near as serious as some are earnestly making out.

"I doubt the police had anything to do with this at all. It's probably an overzealous outreach worker."

This ^ The fact it's taken SS a month to even make an appointment suggests whatever they are investigating isn't seen as particularly serious.

OP - I hope the meeting with SW goes well. I don't blame you for being furious.

OP, you said earlier I accepted it (cannabis) in the past because it was either that or leave him, and he is actually a very good hands-on father .

Would your DH really have left you and your kids if you had insisted he stop using cannabis? That is very sad, and prioritizing his drug use over your marriage is a sign of a bad father.

tbh I would imagine there is more going on here than you are aware of.

OP I understand your anger and anxiety. I have been in a similar situation once - my son was hurt at nursery and SS had to talk to me about it (despite the fact it could not have happened at home). I was panicked, worried about it staying on record, angry that they didn't communicate what went on with the nursery etc. But with hindsight it was all over very quickly and the case was closed as quickly as it could've been.

I still feel residual anger over what happened, mostly with the nursery (I don't want to go into too much detail online).

As said above it is probably an overzealous OW and when someone comes to see you, if the house is as you say, they will soon go away again.

I don't know who these people are who have perfect homes at all time. My house is not dirty but it is cluttered - ie at the moment I have a pile of clothes to eBay behind me (they've only been there since yesterday!), another pile of clothes to take upstairs, and a pile in the hallway to take to charity. Do I normally have random clothes around? No! But if someone just popped by today, they'd probably think the house was a right mess. I haven't done all the dishes either, as 8 months pregnant and I got tired halfway through... Oops. My DS has been in bed an hour and I haven't tidied his toys up yet either.

I wonder if the house is in a worse state than you actually think OP and that coupled with the dope smoking had set off alarm bells? I think all too often people get used to bad living conditions,I speak from experience,I have a family member who finds it a constant battle to keep tidy, my heart sinks when I visit and she says she's been tidying all morning and doesn't it look clean now and it's getting worse

I say this because you said the house needed blitzing which suggests it was a bit more than just breakfast things on the kitchen counter.

My advice would be to cooperate fully and don't even think of trying to find out who reported you our putting a complaint in, you will come across as defensive and angry.

Altinkum speaks a lot of sense. I also hate the minimising of cannabis.

Way heavy handed. I would be outraged. Our house has pretty much always been a student squat from hell tip. There will generally be plates lying around from last week, never mind from breakfast. We didn't bother going to the baby clinic more than once or twice with any of our DCs as we didn't feel it necessary and we are decidedly hit and miss re school attendance. During our one and only health visitor visit, I was mowing the lawn while breast feeding. However, as articulate professionals we are (thankfully) somehow left alone to get on with it as we see fit.

Really feel for you OP, unfortunately SS involvement makes most people very very anxious. The posters on here that suggest being open, honest and use the support ( to get help with damp etc) are right. Remember social workers are human too, and don't usually do the job unless they want to help families ( I know some are better than others though).
I have worked alongside social services a lot in my career and found that they really appreciate honesty. Don't get caught up on who referred you, it's a combination of things that just mean they need to check you're ok. After all, you were upset when the outreach worker came so she may have spoken to social services for some advice. The decision for someone to visit would not have been hers, so although she should have better informed you try not to be too angry. Sometimes workers are scared of the reaction they will get if they DONT say they'll be no further action. I know that's wrong, but she may be inexperienced. I'm sure you're a responsible parent and SW will see that. Good luck.

Hanselsdad The long & short of it is, that SS are visiting. We don't know what that is, and we don't know if we have all the facts. They (SS) are concerned enough to visit, the referring authority was concerned enough to refer.

If they had these concerns & didn't follow them up, they would not be doing a job.

Have you heard of mandatory reporting? I think it may be called something else in the UK. People who work with children (schools, drs, etc) have obligations regarding children's welfare. If they suspect an issue that is affecting or has the potential to affect a child/ren, they are ethically bound to report that. Here (Australia) you can be fined if it turns out you knew about a incident concerning a child & didn't report it (in a professional capacity, not as a passer-by on the street)

I hold these responsibilities, I work at a food bank. I am not told to speak to the parent, or my boss, or anyone else, just straight out report any concerns. In fact, we are discouraged from doing so in case it alerts the parents to the possibility of invention, where they can beat the system.

People who are concerned for the children DO NOT have to discuss the issue with the parents. Some on in op's case is concerned for the welfare of her children. They HAVE to investigate & work out of those concerns are valid & if the op needs any help/guidance.

It may be 'heavy handed' it may not be. The trouble is, I doubt there is a mother anywhere who hasn't been totally outraged, indignant, bewildered and felt hard done by and persecuted when SS have knocked on her door to say they have concerns and would like to investigate further.

I bet there's not one of them who doesn't say 'Why us? why not concentrate on people with real problems? Our kids are perfectly fine, some malicious person has it in for us.'

Without wishing to cast aspersions on the OP, many, many of those outraged and bewildered people are neglecting or abusing their children. Maybe because they are cruel or lazy, maybe because they are ill and need support to find their way out of a horrible mire.

But I bet not one of them says' Oh, I'm glad you've come. I'm falling apart here, and I could use some help.'

You may want to try and find out which malicious neighbor has been reporting you though

I would love to do this. Any ideas how?

I think that is unfair. the op was reported because someone had some concerns. That isn't malicious.

OP, there is no reason for you knowing who reported you except for retaliation on your part, which at this point is stupid! You retaliate, they will report that & this whole thing drags on! It is human nature to want to know, but it will benefit no one.

If things are as you say, SW won't see any reason to be concerned. If you go on the war path for retaliation, then you will never get rid of them.

Please guys, don't tell me you wouldn't protect your husband when fired a question by a police officer? Not about something I knew to be true, no. If you had said it was your dh, he may have received a caution & all this may not have happened. Your dh's habit & your lie to the police has had repercussions, you have to accept that & deal with it the best way you can.

Why do you need to be so aggressive? Asking a pp if they are on glue? Is this your normal attitude & response to those who question you? If so, this isn't going to end quickly & you could be about to dig yourself a big hole.

TheEponymousGrub She has since admitted on this thread that she lied to the police. Yes it was a lie, but how do they know that for sure?

The trouble is, I doubt there is a mother anywhere who hasn't been totally outraged, indignant, bewildered and felt hard done by and persecuted when SS have knocked on her door to say they have concerns and would like to investigate further. I bet there's not one of them who doesn't say 'Why us? why not concentrate on people with real problems? Our kids are perfectly fine, some malicious person has it in for us.' Without wishing to cast aspersions on the OP, many, many of those outraged and bewildered people are neglecting or abusing their children

A relative of mine was this person. They did remove her children, placed them with another relative, who now has full legal guardianship of them. The child she had during the investigation (where she refused to believe she had done anything wrong & refused to do anything to put it right/get her kids home) has also been taken. The relative who has the others can't take that baby. No one else can.

She refuses still to believe she did anything to cause this. The fathers of all 3 children are nowhere to be seen, so it WAS her who caused this. Denial is a wonderful thing sometimes.

The trouble with social workers is that we are all humans with our own agendas. Of course we should all be working to guidelines and with a basis of evidence but something like cannabis will be treated differently depending on the social worker's own belief system around cannabis.
Personally, I have a problem with cannabis as part of a bigger picture (as a SW I mean, not my own problem with cannabis!) ie if cannabis smoking is present and contributing to poor home conditions, poor routine, missing school, insufficient money for food, affecting the parent's mental health etc. then the cannabis has to be addressed. If the parent smokes cannabis in the evenings after the children are in bed, and everything else is tickety boo I have no moral or professional concern about that.
However, another social worker may be more stringent about it due to their own ethical stance on cannabis/drugs in general. Nobody should rush in gung-ho without managerial supervision on cases which should pick up inappropriate interventions but the system isn't perfect.
This could also apply to home conditions. If homes fail to meet a basic standard on a regular basis the question would be why? For eg if one parent is a SAHP yet the floor is always dirty and pots always needing washed and bins always overflowing I would be asking what is getting in the way of this parent carrying out these tasks, and what other tasks are they not doing. It's not a simple case of 'this is clean enough, but this is too dirty for social services' as it's all part of a picture.
From your description of your home conditions it sounds like the referral isn't necessary but we haven't seen your home so can't really judge. I would say don't worry too much about the cannabis, they can certainly urine test your DH on the spot which will show up any cannabis use in the last 7-28 days (can't remember exactly how the tests work)

So sorry op and that some of you others have had such awful experiences.

I'm not siding with SS at all but I would take some comfort that someone else is looking out for your kids and giving them extra support. Referral could have come from anywhere and the long and short of it is that they are being safeguarded. That's their job. Wherever it's come from it is their job.

Providing that there is nothing additional going on ie red flags for abuse or problems at school that might have pinpointed you for a referral, it could just be the state of your house. Things might have just slipped and you haven't realised. Everyone gets behind with their game sometimes.

Unfortunately if the house hasn't been clean and tidy at the unfortunate moment they have popped in they are going to want to check it's not like that all the time to check there is no chance of the cannabis being left around where kids could find it and maybe use it.

They are potentially stopping the kids from real dangers and keeping them safe, because they haven't got concrete proof that they aren't there. And I would just cooperate and try as hard as you can to keep going. Sorry it's so difficult. She's just turned up wrong place wrong time but it really is for the best!