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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think a social worker is not needed here

263 replies

SoddingCupcakes · 16/09/2014 12:54

Where to start!

A few months ago DH smoked cannabis. I never approved but he refused to quit. The compromise was that he only ever smoked it in the evenings once the kids were in bed and he always went outside to do so, never in the home. He stuck to this. I was still not happy, but at least it didn't effect the kids.

Or so I thought.

One morning I was woken by banging on the door. I got out of bed and answered - it was two police officers. They explained that they had received an anon phonecall saying someone from this flat smoked cannabis outside. I said it wasn't me. They asked if it was DH and I said I didn't know. They said they were going to leave it for now, but if there were any more reports they would have to do a search of the flat (we live in a massionatte). I said okay, no problem.

I was shuck up after their visit (I have a history of anxiety & depression but am doing well at the mo). I told DH he stops taking cannabis NOW or I am kicking him out. He was shuck up too and agreed, he would quit the cannabis.

Fast forward several months.

A random knock on the door. This time, an 'outreach worker' from the local children's centre. She said I had been referred from my health visitor (WTF?!) because of the cannabis and 'home conditions'. She had a look around, and I'm not going to lie, there was food on the table from breakfast (it was 12noon, I hadn't wiped it yet). She pointed it out, and I said I'd sort it. She then mentioned the cannabis and I broke into tears. I said, DH says he doesn't take cannabis any more. That he used to months ago. I even got her to speak to him on the phone. She seemed to accept this as she didn't mention it again. She asked if I needed help with cleaning, I said no, DH and I are going to blitz the place at the weekend (100% true and we did). She said okay, no further action, she'll just write her report and that'll be the end of it (her words).

One month later - today - I received a phone call - from a social worker, saying she is visiting in the morning. The outreached worker had made a referral, and apparently I knew about this (WTF?) I asked the social worker why she was visiting and she said home conditions and cannabis use.

My children are healthy and meeting their milestones.
The house is 'clean' (albeit we do have damp in the bathroom).
My daughter has 100% attendance at school.
Neither child has behavioural issues.
I am no longer depressed (have greatly reduced anti depressants with GP approval).
DH really did give up cannabis months ago as promised (mutual friends have confirmed this and there is no longer the 'stink' and he hasn't been stoned).

Yet up and down the country, children are being abused and social workers' case loads are heaving. Why are they wasting their time with this?

What do I need to do to end 'professional' involvement in my law-abiding life?

I know this is AIBU but please bare in mind my history of anxiety & depression and the fact that I literally had the social worker phonecall an hour ago and am still shaking.

Advice and support much appreciated.

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 16/09/2014 18:15

Mental health part of a toxic trio?? It gets better and better doesn't it Hmm

gemand3 · 16/09/2014 18:17

Ss will tell you why they have visited if they have no concerns they will leave you alone if they do though aslong as you cooperate with them you will be fine taking children is a last resort

LEMmingaround · 16/09/2014 18:19

Do they train nursery nurses in psychiatry these days?? Must be hard having to play spot the nutter especially when they cover it up sooo well. You would never in a million years guess im drugged up to my eye balls all the time.....i must hide it well as no one has seen fit to make a referral

SoddingCupcakes · 16/09/2014 18:32

Thanks for the input insancerre

Looks like the plan is just to open my door, answer her Qs, and hope for the best.

OP posts:
FixItUpChappie · 16/09/2014 18:43

The SW will visit then likely wont give you any definates as they will have to go and consult a supervisor for final approval to close.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 16/09/2014 18:44

Yes, be open and honest. No-one is going to take your DC away because you haven't cleared away your breakfast bowls. But, it's the combination of things that set the alarm bells ringing. It doesn't matter what anyone's stance on weed is, that's completely irrelevant. It's still illegal, so that's a cause for concern in SS's eyes. And you lied to police, which would be another cause for concern. FTR, I'm not sure that everyone would immediately lie to police to cover for their partner. Don't be defensive with the SW, they're there to help you if you let them. FWIW, I'd be pretty pissed off with a neighbour smoking weed outside my house, and, yes, I know your DH doesn't smoke any more.

drudgetrudy · 16/09/2014 18:45

You and the social worker should be on the same side-all they are interested in is making sure your children are okay. They are not interested in the state of your house unless it is at a point where your children's health and safety is at risk. Even if it was they would initially offer help to sort it out.

They will want to work with you to make sure your children have the best possible opportunities-co-operate with them.
There is very little money around and local authorities do not want to go to court for care orders unless things are absolutely dire.
A social worker cannot just walk in and take children away-they have to prepare a court case and the opinions of health, education and other agencies are taken into account.
The police can remove a child in an absolute emergency but only for a limited time until things come to court.
Social workers do not want to remove children-they want to work with families to improve things for the children's benefit.
From what you have said your situation is not near the level where they would want to consider applying for a care order.
Your best approach is to be open and honest.
It is a shame that there is such stigma about social services involvement.

insancerre · 16/09/2014 18:46

Lem this thread is not about you, so I don't see why you are taking things so personally
I have no issues with anyone suffering from mh problems and no its not my job to spot them. But it is my job when parents mental health issues impacts on the care of their children
I'm not saying that all parents with mh issues are bad parents

mathanxiety · 16/09/2014 18:55

You are coming across to me as really, really angry.

It jumps off the page at me.

PrettyPictures92 · 16/09/2014 18:56

LEM no one is trying to say parents with MH issues are bad parents. Ss only get involved if it's having a negative impact on children or if you're really struggling to cope (even without children). I've had two breakdowns in two years and my SW has never suggested I was a bad parent or that I was a nutter...

MrsDeVere · 16/09/2014 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oneandonlyone · 16/09/2014 19:11

I don't think anyone exactly jumps for joy that they've been referred to SS. Most people think they're good parents, and indeed most people are good parents. But some people don't realise that there are certain issues that put kids at risk of all kinds of things. Plus, it can be harder to see when you're in the middle of it. And yes, MH issues are one of the things that can be potentially toxic to all around. (Just note how well LEM is trying to derail the thread!) as are alcohol/drug issues. Doesn't have to be by any stretch, but often is. Considering your comments here about having them adopted, you're hardly running for Mother of the Year.

I wouldn't worry too much about the neighbours. They already know, truthfully, that you're the flat with the stoner always outside smoking weed with the kids indoors (and by extension, being outside their doors with nasty smelling smoke blowing in their house and their kid's windows). They don't know about your conversations with DH, so as far as they know he's always at it inside as well. If you want to get angry with them about that, well I think you only have yourself and your husband to blame. I don't think they're going to try to be buddying up to you - I sure wouldn't. You getting hostile to them and wasting SS time with retaliatory fake calls is going to play right into their ideas about you and cause you heaps and heaps more trouble.

Count me among those really sympathetic when it started and increasingly not so much. And then think, if you can do that on an anonymous thread of strangers, imagine how you're coming across to SS, your neighbours and your kids.

drudgetrudy · 16/09/2014 19:11

I can understand someone being worried etc but being "fucking furious" sounds more about you than your kids.

MrsBoldon · 16/09/2014 19:11

I don't know where you live but in my City I've called SS for much bigger issues than you have outlined and it hasn't met their threshold for investigation or intervention.

Either you live somewhere where SS have a much lower threshold or you're not being completely honest (or you are unaware) about the whole picture.

Sparklypants · 16/09/2014 19:16

But I think the point is that being so openly angry and defensive isn't going to help when the sw comes round.

I'm also not sure why the op is so angry. As worrying as it is to have to deal with ss it's not ss or the neighbours fault.

The op decided to allow her hd to smoke weed in the garden/outside rather than putting her foot down and telling him it either stops right now or he leaves.

The op lied to the police when they asked about it.

These are things she could've stopped happening. The people the op should be angry at are her hd and herself.
Being angry and defensive is only going to make the sw more concerned imo.

That being said, I don't think the op is thinking straight about this at the moment and it probably feels like she's being targeted (by neighbour/ss) and I'm sure that's not a nice feeling.
Just be open and friendly to the sw. I'd also ask for clarification on exactly why they are there and thank them, even if the last thing you feel like doing is saying thank you.

hoobypickypicky · 16/09/2014 19:16

"Please guys, don't tell me you wouldn't protect your husband when fired a question by a police officer?"

Are you sure?! Would I lie to a police officer to protect a drug abuser, (regardless of who he was)? Er, No!

What on earth made you prioritise your husband over the welfare of your children?

I'm far from perfect. I get a bit angry and incredulous when people try to normalise or excuse drug abuse.

I don't know how SS works but I wonder if it was that you knowingly lied to protect a drug abuser rather than kicked his sorry arse out the door which tipped the balance?

All the advice makes sense. Co-operate and be honest. I hope it works out well for you and your children.

Sparklypants · 16/09/2014 19:18

*dh not hd!

Goodadvice1980 · 16/09/2014 19:20

What strikes me about this thread is that the OP and her "D"H seem to lack a moral compass; smoking dope and then lying to the police.

For goodness sake OP, just tell SS the truth when they ask you a direct question.

usualsuspect333 · 16/09/2014 19:26

Hope it all goes well, OP.

I'd be fucking furious too.

MrsDeVere · 16/09/2014 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usualsuspect333 · 16/09/2014 19:28

He was smoking a spiff outside. The police don't give a toss about people smoking a spliff.

He wasn't jacking up in front of his children.

Goodadvice1980 · 16/09/2014 19:31

The issue isn't about just a "spliff", it is about wasting family money on illegal drugs.

Sparklypants · 16/09/2014 19:31

Like I said earlier in the thread, I'm surprised the police bothered too, but they obviously did.

usualsuspect333 · 16/09/2014 19:32

I think there is more to this than being reported for smoking a spliff outside.

Who ever reported you, reported you for more than the spliff smoking.

Goodadvice1980 · 16/09/2014 19:34

I agree, this is about much more than a joint being smoked in the garden.