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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This wasn't done on purpose, why can't I be forgiven

316 replies

PleaseLetMeKeepTheSportsCar · 12/09/2014 14:06

Last week I went to visit my friend who was babysitting for her sisters young children - 8 and 10.

We were playing with the children and generally getting hyperactive, chasing them round the house etc and eventually we settled them down a bit.

I was walking around the room and asking the children about the photos on the wall and their dvd collections etc when I picked up one of these from the sideboard and reminisced about how I had one as a child. Without thinking I shook it upside down to a shriek.

My friends mother had a baby, she grew into a 2 year old and sadly passed away. Her face was etched into the pin art, the pin art that I had just removed.

Now none of them are talking to me and I feel devastated.
What I did was terrible but at the same time I didn't realise. Yes I should have checked, it was on a sideboard after all. I don't even know how/if I can make it up to her.

She treasured this for a year :(

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 13/09/2014 03:35

Oh my god. That poor family. I'm sorry, but there's no way they're going to forgive you so soon. This isn't just a photo. This would be more like losing a lock of hair, or a footprint. Of course they left it out on the sideboard. Where else would you have the 3D image, formed by touching their own skin, of your lost child? Where the whole family can see it every day. Especially so soon. Only a year? That is such a short time.

This wasn't an accident. It was a mistake. If it had been an accident - if you had tripped and stumbled into the sideboard, and the pins had been jolted out of place - even then they would be struggling to forgive you so soon. But it wasn't. You picked it up and shook it. You didn't know. If you had known, you wouldn't have dreamed of doing it. But that makes it a mistake, not an accident. And those are much harder to get past. And do you know what makes it even harder to forgive a stupid mistake? The person claiming it as an accident, and making it about them.

Try "I'm so sorry, it was stupid of me" rather than "I'm sorry, it was an accident". The odds of the forgiveness you seek are rather higher.

bearleftmonkeyright · 13/09/2014 03:54

My brother died 15 years ago. He was 20. In his room in the attic he stuck a wotsit crisp packet to the beam above his bed with chewing gum . Although my parents cleared the room, the wotsit packet stayed there for years. Give them time OP.

Zara8 · 13/09/2014 05:32

It's dreadful that it happened of course OP but it was a genuine accident - a mistake waiting to happen. All you can do is apologise and wait. Please don't beat yourself up. Thanks

Also I am baffled by all these "you were being nosy and shouldn't touch things in other people's houses" responses.... What do you do when you visit someone? Ask stiltedly "may I touch this chair? May I step on your carpet? May I use my eyes to look at the things that you have around your home and enquire about them as a means of starting conversation? May I touch something that doesn't appear on first inspection to be a Ming vase or likely to explode on touch?" Get a life, honestly GrinGrinGrin

chrome100 · 13/09/2014 06:33

This is a very unfortunate thing to happen. Of course the family are grieving and their response is tainted by that.

I think you did nothing wrong and they are being unreasonable to hold what happened against you.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 13/09/2014 06:44

Bloody hell, how awful. For both of you. However, assuming there was no indication that this was a special item, then you couldn't have been expected to know. Hopefully things will sort themselves out in time.

coraltoes · 13/09/2014 06:58

Typical bloody mumsnet. How dare you pick up a toy you nosey busybody. How DARE you. Ffs. It was a TOY on the side, hardly the kind of place you keep something you don't want touched. It was a mishap, they happen, please don't beat yourself up and ignore the holier than thou people here who would never touch a thing in oil done else's house when playing with kids. They just weave their own toys out of their knotted morals.

coraltoes · 13/09/2014 06:59

Anyone not oil done (thanks ipad)

LoveBeingAwakeInTheNight · 13/09/2014 07:07

Op don't expect forgiveness, there is nothing you can do.

It's a horrible situation, I do feel for you.

pictish · 13/09/2014 07:14

It does read as a bit sitcom like though doesn't it? Not that I'm saying it IS sitcom like...it must have been awful for all involved.
But yeah...my first thought on reading this yesterday, was of that episode of Friends where Chandler inadvertently tells a child that he's adopted, thinking he already knows.
A real nooooo moment.

Can't believe the hecklers here though, taking a simple accident that could've happened to anyone, and turning it into something to make the OP feel even worse about. Good old MN.

HappyAgainOneDay · 13/09/2014 07:15

Isn't it possible to secure forever art of this sort? I don't know how though. Glue pas on the back to keep the nails in place or something? An opportunity here for someone to come up with an idea to patent!

If I felt that I had to pick it up, I would have asked who the picture was, and then replaced it gently. Perhaps the OP was rather clumsy here but all she can do is apologise.

HappyAgainOneDay · 13/09/2014 07:16

*glue pad. Sorry.

Veritata · 13/09/2014 09:17

The bit where OP appears to believe that the bereaved family has an obligation to instantly forgive her and justifies this belief with defensive comments about how the thing shouldn't have been there anyway? Less understandable.

Namechanger, have you actually read the OP? How on earth do you get that out of "Now none of them are talking to me and I feel devastated.
What I did was terrible but at the same time I didn't realise. Yes I should have checked, it was on a sideboard after all. I don't even know how/if I can make it up to her."

Veritata · 13/09/2014 09:20

It's a toy, it's there to be played with. Would any of the critics round here think twice if, say, there was one of those Newton's cradles things on the sideboard and someone set it going? With an 8 and 10 year old in the house, it's a total miracle it's survived this long, any of their friends could have picked it up.

NameChangerNewDanger · 13/09/2014 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redexpat · 13/09/2014 11:32

I don't think YABU. Accidents happen, you didnt know, you've apologised. Either they can accept the apology or not, but it's really tough when someone doesnt accept the apology. Chalk it up to experience and move on.

hackmum · 13/09/2014 11:42

Pin art is very transient - that's pretty much the point of it. Eventually the image was going to disappear. Presumably the reason they didn't pick it up and move it somewhere else is because even picking those things up can jolt the image. They could have put a sign next to it saying "Do not touch" and it would have lasted longer, but it's unlikely to have lasted forever - what would have happened if they'd wanted to move house?

I don't see how this was remotely the OP's fault - how could she possibly have known this was going to happen? Who on earth is going to think: "I mustn't pick up that pin art toy because it might have the image of the family's dead child imprinted on it?"

Obviously I feel for the family. But they're grieving for their lost child and will always grieve for her. It's human nature to become fixated on mementoes of those we have lost but ultimately, they are only mementoes. They don't really do anything to alleviate the grief of a tremendous loss. They have now permanently associated the OP - unfairly - with the death of their child. But in reality the loss remains the same as it was before the OP picked up the pin art.

gingee · 13/09/2014 11:42

God I can imagine their upset, but I don't think I'd have it out on show tbh

poolomoomon · 13/09/2014 11:42

You're not at fault at all here OP. If anything your friend and the children too should have mentioned to you when you were picking other things up not to pick the pin art up because of how precious and delicate it was. You weren't to know.

And as others have said it really shouldn't have been on the mantelpiece. I don't keep anything delicate on there in a house with children and visitors, anything as precious as that would be kept out of reach encased in something. It's a horrible situation but you really must forgive yourself, even if you never obtain their forgiveness. There's honestly no way you could have known.

GarlicSeptimus · 13/09/2014 11:57

It's just a random extrapolation from the thread, really, but I think ephemeral mementoes like this are part of the grieving process - the impression would fade over time, with everyday jostling, and in that way forms a sort of timer for their grief. It's a similar, though more delicate, process to people leaving their dead relative's wardrobe untouched until it either gets cobwebbed or they need the space for something else. Whether they "should" doesn't come into it all - it's emotional, and having that process accelerated by someone else's action is distressing.

katrina81 · 13/09/2014 12:20

OP I really feel for you, you did not mean it and those pins move so easy on those things. Whilst they are upset, I sure in time they will forgive you.

Veritata · 13/09/2014 12:32

NameChanger, yes I have read the rest of the thread. It's not at all apparent that you have.

NameChangerNewDanger · 13/09/2014 12:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

differentnameforthis · 13/09/2014 13:08

Stop calling it a bloody toy, op! Perhaps it was, but in this case it was being used as a memento of a person.

Could you really not see what the pins were formed into?

If anything happened to my dds, I would keep my youngest's favourite train as a memento to her and I would probably keep it where I could see it every day. I would be upset if someone I barely knew came into my house & fiddled with it & broke it, because they recognised it to be a toy!

The amount of blame piled onto this family because they kept an unconventional memento is disgusting, to be honest.

OP was careless, and fiddling with items set out on a side board. Side boards doesn't usually carry toys, imo!

differentnameforthis · 13/09/2014 13:09

Side boards don't usually carry toys, imo!

HamishBamish · 13/09/2014 13:22

You made a terrible mistake OP, but it WAS a mistake. You didn't know what it was or that it was so precious. I don't see how you could have known.

I'm sure the family will forgive you over time, but it will take time. All you can do is apologise and leave it at that.

I do think the sideboard was a strange place to put something so fragile though. If it were me I would have had it on a high shelf in my bedroom, somewhere it was unlikely to get knocked or picked up. However, it was in their house and of course they have every right to keep it where they wanted.