This wasn't done on purpose, why can't I be forgiven

[PleaseLetMeKeepTheSportsCar]

Last week I went to visit my friend who was babysitting for her sisters young children - 8 and 10.

We were playing with the children and generally getting hyperactive, chasing them round the house etc and eventually we settled them down a bit.

I was walking around the room and asking the children about the photos on the wall and their dvd collections etc when I picked up one of these from the sideboard and reminisced about how I had one as a child. Without thinking I shook it upside down to a shriek.

My friends mother had a baby, she grew into a 2 year old and sadly passed away. Her face was etched into the pin art, the pin art that I had just removed.

Now none of them are talking to me and I feel devastated.
What I did was terrible but at the same time I didn't realise. Yes I should have checked, it was on a sideboard after all. I don't even know how/if I can make it up to her.

She treasured this for a year :(

It's easy done and you meant no harm but did you not look and see the imprint of a Babies face OP? I'd have thought you would have noticed and maybe thought twice about disturbing the image.

Send an apology and leave them to it. I'd be devastated if I had done something like this - very unfortunate all round.

Also, it might have been left on the sideboard as moving it somewhere safe would have destroyed the image.

the pin art wasn't taken as a momento, it was purely a coincidence

That's irrelevant, it was being USED as a memento!

Would you take a plasticine model and roll it into a ball? Or break up a Lego creation and make your own? Same thing to me Exactly!

Also unlike Lego they're wrecked pretty much the moment you touch them Which is why it has probably sat pretty much where the little girl left it, in order to preserve its' state, which is why they weren't able to put it up anywhere else.

I am pretty sure that they have had more then the op visit in the last year, yet only the op managed to wreck the memento.

EddieStobbart That isn't how I interpret events, it is ops attitude of me me me & blaming the grieving family for daring to have something sentimental on display & not under a lock & key. I have been to plenty of homes, friends, friends of friends, relatives of friends, but have never felt the need to pick up anything in order to interact with people in the room. I may have pointed something out & remarked.

Even with these things, yes, they are essentially toys, but they hold an image, and I would ask before I carelessly picked it up, in case that image was something that a person wanted to look at for a while.

Why the debate as to who invited her/whether she was invited? It doesn't make what happened any less upsetting for the family.

I am baffled by all these "you were being nosy and shouldn't touch things in other people's houses" responses.... What do you do when you visit someone? Ask stiltedly "may I touch this chair? May I step on your carpet?

Bit of a crap comparison really, isn't it? Unless you are comparing a memento of the families deceased child with a chair. If I invite someone into my house, it is obvious that they are likely to sit on my chairs, walk on my carpet, less obvious that they are going to feel the need to touch & move my photos, or fiddle with my dhs display of his deceased grandfathers' war medals. Something are bound to be used by people visiting your home.

there appears to be a divide here...people who think nothing of touching other people's things and people who think that unless invited, you don't pick up someone's things from sideboards or shelves.

I would never touch an ornament or "thing" which was displayed on a sideboard. Not ever. OP you've learned a massive lesson in an awful way. I feel for you.

I don't like it if people touch my ornaments on my shelves or even pick up my books to be honest. If something is on a shelf then it's not fair game. If it's on a coffee table...THAT is a sign it's "Transient" ....often touched, used or moved. On a sideboard....you don't touch.

And this is why you do not touch stuff in other people houses

Right ok, message received. Next time I am babysitting do NOT TOUCH THE TOYS. That's akin to asking a babysitter not to touch the fridge or cooker

There's a difference between toys in a box or on the floor and an ornament on a sideboard and you did not know what it was.

They are grieving, and grief can make people behave irrationally. Give them time. How sad that they lost their child

When I was a child my best friend was killed in a road accident. I had no photos of her, my only memento was a compilation tape she had made of her favourite songs. It was very precious. My brother taped over it one day thinking it was just a spare tape. I was devastated, but I don't think I felt as bad as he did when he found out what he had done. I did forgive him.

Pin art is not the type of toy to be played with on the floor. It's the type of thing that you would expect to find on a sideboard. I also think if it out on display then it wouldn't be that unreasonable to play with it. You would never in a million years before reading this thread think a face on a pin art board would be that of a deceased family member.

I am really suprised the family didn't put it in a cabinet.

OP, I appreciate that this was a mistake but it was the worst mistake you could make from the point of view of a bereaved parent. I have only read up to page 4 (normally I would wait until the end to pass judgement and even then I normally decide not to say anything but I started reading this yesterday and it has bothered me ever since). I am a bereaved parent. I don't need to explain to people who visit my house that they do not touch things as no one feels the need to touch anything. You MUST have seen that there was an image in the pin art. Even if there hadn't been a bereavement in the family I would not have even considered picking the pin art up. It would never occur to me to be so bloody rude! Things that belong to my late son are extremely important to me. To someone who has never lost a child then this might seem slightly OTT but to any bereaved parent things like this are extremely important. We know they're not going to come back and this is all we have left of them. Your attitude seems very blaze. You were in the wrong but you're trying to make out that it was someone else's fault that you fucked up. I sincerely hope that you never have to go through the upset and the sheer devastation of a child dying. I couldn't forgive you. No amount of flowers or cards would ever make it right. You were in the wrong, not the family for displaying something precious to them. For those who say get something to make up for it or to replace it - no! The image of their child will never be replaced, not ever, no matter what you said or did, it would never be the same. We cling onto everything we have left of our children and you have destroyed a part of that for one family.

By the way, an unintentional accident would be tripping and falling into the sideboard and damaging the item, not picking it up and shaking it.

Pin art has a future if it's to be used in this way. It's so easy for the pins to move so there ought to be a way of securing them. It's because images are put on display like photographs that they should / could be secured even temporarily if not permanently.

OP, why didn't you just point it out and ask whose the image was?

Another thought. See if you can find out if the owners took a photo of it and you might be able to find a superb, dedicated, wonderful clever artist who can redo the pin art by copying the photograph..

This sort of pin art is hardly a toy, really, and all this talk of toys on sideboards etc...... Well, why do you have so many toys out at one time that they are on the floor, on sideboards, on mantelpieces? Yes, have a few out at one time. Been there, done that. Children have too many toys these days so have 5 second concentration spans. If the OP had not spoilt the image, one of the household's children would have done it accidentally.

This was an honest mistake on your part. Even if you did look at it and see that there was the image of a 2 year old in it there would be no reason for you to think it was important to them.

However, I can see why the treasured it so much. It wasn't just an image of their child, it was an impression of her actual face. It touched her.
I can see why the family are still raw.

I think you should send flowers and a message of apology, but accept that they are not going to forgive you in a hurry, if at all.

It would be usual invite someone to sit down when they enter your sitting room it would be usual to enquire if it is ok before you touch something you have not been invited to.

It's not being a weirdo its showing good manors and expecting others to do so.

They exist to make social interactions easier for everyone

I am really suprised the family didn't put it in a cabinet.

Did you not see the many comments where we said that to move it would destroy it? It was probably left where the little girl left it.

Maybe you might normally ask, but not when you're babysitting and selecting toys and all. You'd be there all day otherwise. If someone invited me in to do them a favour like that I'd assume they were ok with me being around their stuff.

To all those saying "but you must have seen the image before you shook it out", well maybe she did and just assumed it was one of the two little boys she was looking after, didn't really think about the slight difference in the size of the features. You can't keep those sorts of pin things in toy boxes or stacked willy nilly, the pins bend easily and they don't work.

I don't blame the OP for being defensive. She's clearly come here for a bit of reassurance and to be told she's not a horrible person, and instead some posters are behaving as if she went around the house casing it to find something to destroy.

I don't blame the OP for being defensive. She's clearly come here for a bit of reassurance and to be told she's not a horrible person, and instead some posters are behaving as if she went around the house casing it to find something to destroy.

Absolutely!! The OP is fallible, a human. Something has happened that she will never ever forget and clearly feels distraught, she wants a bit of reassurance like we all do sometimes. There's hell of a lot of super human, holier than thou mumsnetters on here. It must be a great feeling knowing you've never accidentally hurt another person.

Hugs OP X

FWIW I really feel for you OP. That must have been mortifying and I understand how it happened. Of course if you could turn back time you wouldn't touch anything on the sideboard but it's understandable to think that since you were playing with the children you could pick up toys to entertain them. It wasn't like a photo or an ornament, it was a toy. TBH since the pin art was so precious I think the family should have made that clear to you, a simple 'please don't touch the things on the sideboard, they're fragile' would have been fine if they didn't want to explain the painful circumstances. You didn't know and you made a momentary mistake that will haunt you. I can put myself in your shoes and see how that happened. I would send a card apologising and saying you didn't intend any offence and then leave it with them for them to take in. It will take time.

Coming in very late here.Thank goodness the horrible creepy thing has gone.It was not healthy.

Forget about it OP.

Moon that's a very unkind and unnecessary thing to say. It obviously meant a lot to the family and to them it was far from creepy. Very mean to say that.

What an attention seeking post!

Whose?

gotthemoononastick - should you ever find yourself to be a bereaved parent I hope that comment haunts you.

Some posters are being really unkind. It was an accident and the OP feels awful.

Oh dear.

I feel sorry for both the family and the OP but it was waiting to happen. If it hadn't have been you someone or something would eventually knock it. I think she was lucky to keep it intact for as long as she did.

Don't keep beating yourself up, OP. You've apologised, there isn't much else you can do.