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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

This wasn't done on purpose, why can't I be forgiven

316 replies

PleaseLetMeKeepTheSportsCar · 12/09/2014 14:06

Last week I went to visit my friend who was babysitting for her sisters young children - 8 and 10.

We were playing with the children and generally getting hyperactive, chasing them round the house etc and eventually we settled them down a bit.

I was walking around the room and asking the children about the photos on the wall and their dvd collections etc when I picked up one of these from the sideboard and reminisced about how I had one as a child. Without thinking I shook it upside down to a shriek.

My friends mother had a baby, she grew into a 2 year old and sadly passed away. Her face was etched into the pin art, the pin art that I had just removed.

Now none of them are talking to me and I feel devastated.
What I did was terrible but at the same time I didn't realise. Yes I should have checked, it was on a sideboard after all. I don't even know how/if I can make it up to her.

She treasured this for a year :(

OP posts:
Mrsfrumble · 14/09/2014 23:22

TheWildRumpyPumpus makes a good point about the sister possibly being angry with the OP's friend.

I assume the sister was out at the time if OP and her friend were babysitting. Can you imagine the friend having to tell her sister what had happened to such a previous memento of her daughter? Especially as she was "in charge" at the time.

Waltermitty I agree the wording of the thread title is really unfortunate. But In her actual posts I don't think the OP seems pissed off, just frustrated that because of the emotional significance of the pin art her friend and friend's sister may never accept that she meant no harm.

Waltermittythesequel · 14/09/2014 23:27

But I think logically they must know that.

However, their grief trumps any upset the OP might feel.

She needs to get over it, really. They might not ever forgive her and they don't have to.

Mrsfrumble · 14/09/2014 23:39

Which is why I think she is posting here! I think if I were in her position, I'd understand that I couldn't realistically expect any absolution from the family so I'd be looking for reassurance from elsewhere. A bunch of strangers on the internet can give a rational perspective on what happened that is not clouded by grief, and I expect the majority of posters here sharing the opinion that it was an accident waiting to happen and that it could have happened to anyone is very comforting.

Of course in "real life" the OP's feeling don't come in to it, which is why an anonymous thread on an Internet forum is an opportunity to discuss things from her side.

differentnameforthis · 15/09/2014 08:25

This was an idiotic thing for them to have done. I'm amazed it lasted a year with two children in the house Are you usually so vile? Do you normally miss important parts of threads?

The little girl did it BEFORE she passed away. She was playing with the toy, made an imprint on it, left it there & then died, suddenly & unexpectedly.

Still think they are idiotic?

duhgldiuhfdsli · 15/09/2014 10:24

if it was that precious to them I really don't understand why they didn't do something to fix the pins in place.

What would you suggest as a method?

I'm speculating about something very tricky involving carefully sliding it into a box with one side missing, adding the fourth side, and then slowing filling the thing up with clear casting resin until all the pins are at least partially submerged. But those pin art things are fairly low friction and the resin is quite viscous, so it's possible that even that would push the thing out of shape (the pins are denser, so don't float, but the viscosity and surface tension of the resin would be enough to support the pin). You might be able to do something involving two thin liquids that react for form a solid, but I can't think of any that are practical. You could scan it with some fairly complex laser equipment and use a three-D printer to make a negative of it, and use that as a template to produce a new, glued, piece of pin-art. I don't know.

Presumably as you think a grieving family are idiots for not doing an obvious thing to fix a pre-existing pin-art model, you have something obvious in mind? Could you share it?

aurynne · 15/09/2014 11:41

I really cannot understand how some of you cannot understand (excuse the repetition) why these poor parents left the toy exactly where it was, exactly how it had been left. It was a reminder of the ephemeral quality of life, beautifully represented by an ephemeral toy that had encased, just by chance, their little girl's face a week before she died.

Perhaps there is a way to fix the pins... but that would also have fundamentally changed the very beauty of that piece. The meaning of it. That pin toy was precious precisely because it was fragile, precisely because it was so easy to destroy with a simple flick of a hand. The simplicity of a child pressing her face to it, possibly giggling while looking at her face imprinted in the needles "look mum, it's my face!", "yes honey, isn't it fun!". And left carelessly on the sideboard.

And then the horror, the sudden, unexpected horror of a child's life cut too short in an unexpected way. I am sure that the first time this little girl's mum came home after her child's funeral and saw her face her heart crumbled. Honestly, is it so hard to understand why she would not move it? Why she just wanted to see it there, as it had been when her precious girl left it there? I am more than sure she knew about the risks. But that is also the point: moving it and keeping it locked would have also destroyed its magic, its uniqueness, its spontaneity.

How it was destroyed was another symbol, a symbol of something ephemeral which would have painfully reminded that mother of her child's life's fragility. The point here is not whether the OP was at fault. An accident, a mistake, IT DOES NOT MATTER. that precious memory is gone, and it is unbelievable some of you are suggesting replacing it with anything. let alone getting someone to try to "recreate" it into another pin toy. No pin toy will ever, ever come close to the original one, and any attempt will undoubtedly end up in the bin, or destroyed in a rage. Only the one and only original would, and it is irretrievably gone.

OP, whether it was your fault or not does NOt matter. Those parents' grief is the only important thing. A child may run in front of a car and get killed, and it would not be the driver's fault, but it would not matter, the driver should not expect that an apology and a figurine in the shape of the dead child would buy the parents' forgiveness. Forgiveness is something that may or may not come, with time, the parents' time. Iif and when they are ready. You have not killed their child, of course, but you have indeed destroyed something irreplaceable. Any contact from you, any present from you, will just keep reminding them of what happened. The only thing you can do that will prevent more harm is to leave them well alone. Do not write to them, do not send them any more apologies, or cards or flowers. Just leave them alone. If they ever feel the need to approach you to forgive you, it will have to be them who choose to.

PleaseLetMeKeepTheSportsCar · 15/09/2014 11:44

I have just read through all of the replies on this thread.

I am not sure why some posters are of the feeling that I am BLAMING the parents for placing the pinart where it was, I was simply stating that due to where it was it didn't cross my mind that it would be such a treasured item. They aren't to blame for it, I just didn't have a clue.

As for going to the house uninvited, a lot of these posts are just assumptive, I was invited to the home, I know her sister very well, she has come to my house - admittedly I don't know the children massively as have never spent long periods of time with them.

To clarify, I apologised to friend and sister, I told them I am so very sorry and feel terrible about what I have done. I acknowledge that there is nothing I can do to improve how they feel. My sadness and guilt is aimed towards them, I feel sad FOR them.

Obviously I have made this thread a little about me because that's what AIBU is for.

And again, I reiterate that the title of the thread was just to make it worthy of being on AIBU.

Also, the pin art did not look like it had a childs face on it, chances are that it was very distorted due to the period of time it had been there.

I appreciate that I come across as being defensive in my replies, thats because I am defending myself against the cruel comments

OP posts:
EmberElftree · 15/09/2014 12:03

Please what a terrible mistake, I do feel for you. It was drummed into me from the time I could walk by my mum to never touch things in other people's houses.

It make me wince reading your OP. Your compunction will fade eventually. Your friend's sister's grief is still raw and she will always be grieving for her little one. I would give them some space and see how it pans out. Perhaps in time you can do something for her to reiterate your remorse.

MewlingQuim I am sorry to hear about your friend & the mixed tape. I just have to tell you that your user name is fabulous and made me Smile

gingee · 15/09/2014 12:09

I feel like you are being given a very hard time, as some posters have had things like this happen to them (like the tape being taped over, shoes thrown out etc) and are giving much more detailed sensitive replies than others in this thread. It's an awful situation for them, I'm sure their grief has somewhat been compounded by it. But don't rehash it in your head forever more or beat yourself up too much. You sound genuinely sorry.

MindReader · 15/09/2014 12:15

I agree with pipbin.

You made a mistake (that you will never make again!) but you did not know what the item contained, or its huge importance.

Unfortunately the thing you 'broke' is an irreplaceable memento of a dead child. That cannot be undone.

I would write to the family and tell them you are just MORTIFIED about what happened and would give anything to have realised and not touched the item.

(you could ask if there is a photograph you could have painted / turned into pin art (if it is possible) but that might come over as trying to make yourself feel better so probably best just to write / send flowers maybe.

How very sad for all of you.x

Meh84 · 15/09/2014 12:16

I feel for everyone in this situation, OP be kind to yourself, it was a genuine mistake....you've apologised time again and I dont think there is anything else you can do.

MindReader · 15/09/2014 12:16

'realised in time' - I should have said.

musicalendorphins2 · 15/09/2014 12:39

It was an unfortunate accident, but you have apologized profusely it sounds like.

Maybe you could try and get a collection of photos and get memorial gift made.
I am a bit scared these may be tacky, but they may appreciate it?
www.crystallizeit.com/category/3d-laser-crystals/

musicalendorphins2 · 15/09/2014 12:44

Or an artists sketch maybe more appropriate.

Greyhound · 15/09/2014 18:31

I remember my brother having a pin art toy years ago and I'm fairly sure the pins can be fixed in place by turning a lever or similar. So, the imprint can be kept indefinitely.

If the pic wasn't fixed then, sadly, it would have been moved at some point and the image lost :(

If the pic WAS fixed in place, then it's very sad if the lever was moved deliberately so the image was lost.

saltnpepa · 15/09/2014 19:27

I'm surprised you're worrying about your hurt feelings.

CarmineRose1978 · 15/09/2014 20:57

Greyhound the type of toy the OP is referring to has no mechanism to fix the pins in place, and in fact she did pick it up and shake it, according to her original post. So I expect even if there had been a lever, she'd have moved it because she didn't realise it was a memento mori and she wanted to play with it.

Greyhound · 16/09/2014 00:27

Thanks Carmine - I can't remember how my db's pin art toy worked.

Now you mention it, I think one did have to shake it to make the imprint go away.

How sad - having the child's image in 3D and then to lose it must be so painful.

DrCarolineTodd · 16/09/2014 07:58

Why didn't they just put a bell jar over it?

Keletubbie · 16/09/2014 10:10

Come on. I cannot be the only person who spots these toys - and in a house with an 8 and 10 year old, I would assume it was another toy - and is instantly compelled to pick them up and smoosh my face into them. The imprint of a dead child's face is hardly the first thing that'd go through your head.

It was a mistake, and they'll realise that in time. OP has not done anything intentionally wrong.

CarmineRose1978 · 16/09/2014 10:30

Now that, Caroline, is the one sensible suggestion I've read on this thread for preserving it. If only they had!

Waltermittythesequel · 16/09/2014 10:51

Why didn't they just put a bell jar over it?

I'm sure they're wondering the same thing!

BitOutOfPractice · 16/09/2014 10:53

One of the presenters on Heart Essex this morning was discussing this thread and read the whole OP out! Shock

Aeroflotgirl · 16/09/2014 10:57

Oh no poor you, it was an innocent mistake that could have happened to anyone, what if one of the kids had picked it up or knocked it over. If it was that precious they should have kept it locked away, or in a locked cabinate. There is nothing really you can do, just give them time and see what happens.

Waltermittythesequel · 16/09/2014 10:58

One of the presenters on Heart Essex this morning was discussing this thread and read the whole OP out!

ShockShock