Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This wasn't done on purpose, why can't I be forgiven

316 replies

PleaseLetMeKeepTheSportsCar · 12/09/2014 14:06

Last week I went to visit my friend who was babysitting for her sisters young children - 8 and 10.

We were playing with the children and generally getting hyperactive, chasing them round the house etc and eventually we settled them down a bit.

I was walking around the room and asking the children about the photos on the wall and their dvd collections etc when I picked up one of these from the sideboard and reminisced about how I had one as a child. Without thinking I shook it upside down to a shriek.

My friends mother had a baby, she grew into a 2 year old and sadly passed away. Her face was etched into the pin art, the pin art that I had just removed.

Now none of them are talking to me and I feel devastated.
What I did was terrible but at the same time I didn't realise. Yes I should have checked, it was on a sideboard after all. I don't even know how/if I can make it up to her.

She treasured this for a year :(

OP posts:
TenMinutesEarly · 12/09/2014 21:48

OP this is so sad. I think you can only apologise profusely. They must feel dreadful.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 12/09/2014 21:54

Because MrsFrumble it isn't her friends house, it is her friends sisters house, where the friend was babysitting and the OP went to visit her friend, not the sister.

GarlicSeptimus · 12/09/2014 21:55

I thought Namechanger expressed the value of the piece perfectly - "Like a dent in a pillow". I completely understand why they kept it, and how very upset they must have been. It's worse, in a way, than losing a photo because that particular impression can never be reproduced as it was made.

I also understand why you picked it up, OP! It's pretty normal to shake those things about, especially if you plan to occupy a rampaging child with it for a few quiet minutes.

I agree that a card/flowers with a very short apology is in order. Then just leave it. Hope things work out for you.

NameChangerNewDanger · 12/09/2014 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Waltermittythesequel · 12/09/2014 22:03

The bit where OP appears to believe that the bereaved family has an obligation to instantly forgive her and justifies this belief with defensive comments about how the thing shouldn't have been there anyway? Less understandable.

This.

Mrsfrumble · 12/09/2014 22:13

But isn't it possible / likely that the friend invited her to come along? So yes, she may not have been invited by the sister, but whether the friend brings someone along to help out and keep her company while babysitting is between the friend and her sister, surely?

Some of the posts here seem to be implying that OP just tuned up unannounced and invited herself in when there is nothing in her posts to suggest this was the case. Why the insistence on thinking the worst of the OP?

AdoraBell · 12/09/2014 22:18

Yes Name, and indicative of her not taking responsibility.

"Sorry I damaged X" is an apology

"Sorry I damaged X but you shouldn't have left it there to get damaged" is a passive aggressive dig that says "I'm not responsible for what I did"

BlinkAndMiss · 12/09/2014 22:23

Oh I could barely read your post OP, how awful - I cannot imagine how you must have felt when you realised.

I think at this point the family are going to be raw and they will never understand that, logically, it was going to happen at some point if it wasn't kept far away from reach. There is no point trying to explain this to them, they'll come to this conclusion eventually. Definitely send some flowers and a card to apologise, don't mention that it shouldn't have been there etc. just say you are so sorry.

I hope it all works out for you, whilst they might not forgive you yet, it was a genuine mistake.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 12/09/2014 22:32

MrsFrumble not that this is a hugely significant part of the thread, but to answer your question - in her opening post the OP said she 'went there to visit her friend who was babysitting her sister's children'. The purpose of going there was to visit her friend, not help the sister with childcare, not even to help the friend, but to visit her friend. Who knows whether the friend invited her or if she turned up unannounced, but significantly, she wasn't invited into the home by the person who lives there - the person who might have said, please mind the pin art - if she had known a stranger was going to be there.

vezzie · 12/09/2014 22:53

LRD, this is for you

I think the family are so sad because it is something that the child casually did while alive, hadn't been touched since, and then became a thing that no one ever wanted to touch after the child had gone. (explaining for young people who missed the 80s fashion for "executive toys")

vezzie · 12/09/2014 22:55

(Yes I did once have one of these on the mantelpiece in the shape of my brother sticking his tongue out for about a year. I got rid of it of course but I am pleased to say my brother is still alive. As far as I know)

Bulbasaur · 12/09/2014 23:03

Yikes! Shock

They're still grieving, and grief makes people irrational. I'd give them some space, they just had to let go of something they weren't ready to let go of yet and were reminded all over again about how their child is gone.

It's not really anyone's fault. Had you known, you wouldn't have touched it. If that wasn't a memento, picking up a toy would have been fine and harmless.

I'd leave it be for now. They'll come around later when they're feeling better.

MaidOfStars · 12/09/2014 23:07

Never understood the 'nest of vipers' thing until tonight...am actually astonished, as I'd thought it a myth.

OP, it was an accident. Don't beat yourself up over it, but accept that you can't control the fallout, and sometimes that's just how it is. A bunch of flowers, a genuine note, and some time.

Mrsfrumble · 12/09/2014 23:10

Fair enough. I still don't see the OP as being at fault in that respect; the friend either invited her to come along or at least made arrangements for her to visit and presumably the sister was fine with that. If not, it's between the friend and her sister.

Sure, it's not the point of the thread. But there have been some rather sanctimonious posts ascribing unpleasant motives to the OP (like deliberately snooping and being nosey) without any evidence!

As I said before, I feel so sorry for the OP because I can completely imagine making a similar blunder myself in an attempt to be friendly. So I can understand how desperate she must feel for her friend and sister to acknowledge that she meant no harm. Most replies have gently pointed out that she can't expect to be forgiven anytime soon without attempting to make her feel any worse than she already does.

I don't think it's necessary to suggest OP was ill-mannered and intrusive to have been in the situation to begin with. How is that going to help?

Mrsfrumble · 12/09/2014 23:12

That was to LatteLover BTW. I type veerrry slowly Blush

SallyMcgally · 12/09/2014 23:13

There's also no evidence that she was defensive to the family either. She is defending herself on here, but who wouldn't with the amount of grief thrown at her for what was a very genuine mistake.

Custardo · 12/09/2014 23:19

It was an accident. You are not at fault.they are bound to be upset there is nothing you can do about that.except to know it was a genuine accident.

NameChangerNewDanger · 12/09/2014 23:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarmineRose1978 · 12/09/2014 23:32

Lots of people have pointed out how fragile these images are, and how a slight knock can easily destroy them, then in the same post said the parents should have put it somewhere out of reach... It seems likely to me that they didn't ever move it in case they destroyed it, as a PP has said. It was probably on the sideboard because that's where it was put just after she'd played with it, and then they left it there to preserve it.

It is a shame, OP. You weren't to know, but having lost someone very dear to me, I can see how they could have focused on the image as the last connection to their child and will now be feeling again the same loss and grief that they felt just after she died. Last time maybe they had no-one to blame but this time they can focus their anger onto you. I doubt they'll forgive in a hurry, so you're just going to have to wait and accept that, and maybe try to be a little less defensive, as getting self-righteous won't make you feel amy better in the long run.

Nokidsnoproblem · 13/09/2014 00:26

People are being very hard on the OP.

OP, you are not a malicious or disrespectful person at all. You were showing interest in their lives and unfortunately there was an accident, which could have happened to anyone.

I do feel bad for the family, but they are lucky to have a friend like you. You come across as very caring and considerate.

IngridCold · 13/09/2014 00:36

This. My son's got one and it's actually really hard to preserve the imprint. Even knocking into the sideboard - or whatever - it's sitting on would be enough to dislodge the pins.

BOFster · 13/09/2014 00:36

This reads like something from Curb Your Enthusiasm to me. Who would keep such a precious yet fragile memento out on the sideboard? I'm finding it hard to believe, but if it's true, it's pretty awful all round.

however · 13/09/2014 01:06

I was going to say a Mr Bean sketch, BOF.

Gemling · 13/09/2014 01:09

A heavily pregnant woman and her friend chasing two children around the house until they were hyperactive was unlikely to end well.

Plateofcrumbs · 13/09/2014 02:54

I was thinking the same thing BOF - although it would have needed the OP to have gone to elaborate lengths sneaking around trying to find a similar looking toddler to imprint their face in the pin art before the parents found out.

Seriously though, this is a mortifying situation. OP you should forgive yourself but not expect forgiveness to be forthcoming from the family. Agree with others who have advised steering well clear of the idea of creating a new memento for them. Flowers and a note would be appropriate - don't seek to explain or minimise what happened, just express sincere regret, sorrow and empathy.