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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This wasn't done on purpose, why can't I be forgiven

316 replies

PleaseLetMeKeepTheSportsCar · 12/09/2014 14:06

Last week I went to visit my friend who was babysitting for her sisters young children - 8 and 10.

We were playing with the children and generally getting hyperactive, chasing them round the house etc and eventually we settled them down a bit.

I was walking around the room and asking the children about the photos on the wall and their dvd collections etc when I picked up one of these from the sideboard and reminisced about how I had one as a child. Without thinking I shook it upside down to a shriek.

My friends mother had a baby, she grew into a 2 year old and sadly passed away. Her face was etched into the pin art, the pin art that I had just removed.

Now none of them are talking to me and I feel devastated.
What I did was terrible but at the same time I didn't realise. Yes I should have checked, it was on a sideboard after all. I don't even know how/if I can make it up to her.

She treasured this for a year :(

OP posts:
M00nUnit · 14/09/2014 16:09

It should have been in a cabinet. Were they really going to leave this toy on a sideboard forever getting dusty and filthy? What would have happened if they moved house? I really feel for you OP - all you did was pick up a toy - something that's designed to be picked up and played with. You weren't to know. They shouldn't have been so careless and should not be blaming you at all.

Stealthpolarbear · 14/09/2014 16:23

I suspect they aren't blaming the op as such but are very upset and rightly or wrongly she iw bearing the brunt. As others have said it was a very easy mistake to make but with such upsetting consequences. Thry are not verbally or physically abusing the op they are just not talking to her. I think in this situation (one of very very few) she needs to be thd bigger person and accept that.

MrsWinnibago · 14/09/2014 16:24

M00n there's no "should have". It's their home. They should be able to leave things where they want without random people picking them up uninvited.

Greyhound · 14/09/2014 16:35

I can understand why they were upset but obviously you did not mean to cause that upset.

The pin art of their child's face was terribly important to them - so why did they put it where it could not be touched?

When my sister died, I kept a pair of her shoes and wore them sometimes. My dh unwittingly threw them out and I was very upset but I got over it because people make mistakes sometimes.

Waltermittythesequel · 14/09/2014 17:39

MrsW I was referring to Moon's!

CarmineRose1978 · 14/09/2014 17:40

Oh my God. People, stop asking why the family hadn't moved it! It was fragile and likely to be damaged if they moved it so they left it in place! Why is that so very difficult to understand? FFS.

CarmineRose1978 · 14/09/2014 17:42

And the OP didn't pick it up to play with the kids, she picked it up to play with herself, while reminiscing about her youth.

FatewiththeLeadPiping · 14/09/2014 17:43

This reply has been deleted

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Veritata · 14/09/2014 17:47

I see that they couldn't move it, but if it was that precious to them I really don't understand why they didn't do something to fix the pins in place. With two children in the house presumably having their friends round, it's an absolute miracle it's lasted this long. What were they going to do if they had to redecorate or move house?

As for all the people saying they'd never, ever touch something in someone's house - really? You'd never, say, set the balls clacking on a Newton's cradle? You'd never pick up a child's toy to play with them?

Pipbin · 14/09/2014 17:52

I really don't understand why they didn't do something to fix the pins in place
I can't imagine anyway that you could fix the pins in place without risking ruining the image.

CarmineRose1978 · 14/09/2014 17:54

Actually, no, I really wouldn't touch anything like that in someone else's house without asking. I'd say, "Oh, a Newton's cradle! I love these, can I play?" because I was brought up to look, not touch, and also because I have many nice things in my home which a) are tactile but fragile, and in some cases b) have been broken by clumsy or careless people (in particular my beloved but cack-handed DP before we moved in together!).

Gruntfuttock · 14/09/2014 18:17

The thing is, it was the OP's friend's sister's house, and as the pinart had remained intact for a year I'm sure that all the sisters' friends and family - including children - had been told what the pinart was and not to touch it. The OP's friend can't possibly have foreseen her touching anything on the sideboard, or she would surely have warned her not to.
As I said in an earlier post, of course the OP didn't mean to do it, but it's too much to expect forgiveness from a stranger for something so precious and irreplaceable. It's something she will have to accept, I'm afraid.

icymaiden · 14/09/2014 19:03

I really don't understand why they didn't do something to fix the pins in place

like what?

AyMamita · 14/09/2014 19:31

This was an idiotic thing for them to have done. I'm amazed it lasted a year with two children in the house. Awkward for you, but you've apologised now, so leave it.

Guitargirl · 14/09/2014 19:43

This thread has taken a really horrible turn.

Bulbasaur · 14/09/2014 19:49

As for all the people saying they'd never, ever touch something in someone's house - really? You'd never, say, set the balls clacking on a Newton's cradle? You'd never pick up a child's toy to play with them?

I always pick up and fidget with objects that are meant to be interacted with. I shake etch-a-sketches as well. I pick up picture frames to ask about them. It has not once gotten me kicked out, not invited around again, or even disapproving looks. Most people are happy to talk about items in their house or laid back enough to not care if you're are touching a toy.

OP didn't commit a social faux pas.

Imagine if the item had no sentimental value. "I had a pin toy on my shelf. A friend came over and picked it up while watching my kids. AIBU to be annoyed?" People would be, quite rightfully, telling her to get over herself and that she sounded like hard work, and that toys were meant to be played with.

People here are being competitively sanctimonious and melodramatic. Really they are. Good job Captain Hindsight, you wouldn't touch a pin toy now that you have the knowledge of it being a memento.

CarmineRose1978 · 14/09/2014 20:19

I wouldn't touch anything on shelves or sideboards etc without asking, because I was brought up not to, and because I'm clumsy and might very well break it. And because people have broken my things when they've picked them up without asking. I don't think the OP should have known it was a memento. I think it's really unfortunate and she obviously had no malicious intent. But nonetheless I wouldn't have done it, which I said when a PP asked up thread. It's entirely possible I'd have tripped and crashed into the sideboard and knocked it over, and then I'm sure I'd feel as bad as the OP and crave forgiveness just as much. I doubt I'd be surprised if it took a while though.

CarmineRose1978 · 14/09/2014 20:22

And I think people saying things like "it was an idiotic thing for them to have done" really need to think a bit harder and try to be a bit more empathetic before they post. Really? It was idiotic for them to keep the last impression their baby daughter left, where she left it, after she tragically and suddenly died? Yes, those stupid idiots! How dare they be sentimental or be scared to move it in case they destroy it themselves!

Waltermittythesequel · 14/09/2014 20:39

Ffs. Can people please have some sympathy for a grieving family?

ithoughtofitfirst · 14/09/2014 20:40

I'm never touching anything ever again.

FrancesNiadova · 14/09/2014 20:52

So sorry that this happened to you OP. It is a very sad, unfortunate situation that was bound to happen to someone, the someone happened to be you.
I would write a card saying how sorry you are, how you thought that it was a toy, how upset you have been after finding out the significance of the pin picture. I would back this up with a bunch of flowers. Then leave it. It is tragic for the family & re-kindles their sense of loss. This was an accident waiting to happen; as time passes they will come to that conclusion, but you can't point it out to them.
This is an awful situation for them and for you; neither of you is right or wrong. You have to forgive yourself because they're not going to. It was a total accident. You've done nothing intentionally wrong. It's just sad all round. Here's a Thanks for you and a Flowers for them -x-

KristinaM · 14/09/2014 21:06

I am a bereaved parent and I think the OP did nothing wrong . It's just one of these things

I'm afraid that given the nature of the memento and where they kept it, it was just a matter of time before an accident such as this happened. Or someone knocked it over when dusting .

Topaz25 · 14/09/2014 21:12

I agree with FrancesNiadova. What a lovely post, sensitive to both sides.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 14/09/2014 21:50

I think the parents are probably angry with the aunt for not warning you not to touch it - presumably if it has managed to survive for a year they make sure to express how important it is to them to anyone who comes into the home for the first time.

Your friend is maybe passing these angry thought onto you as she feels embarrassed for not having prevented the incident taking place.

I agree with a previous poster that they will all be grieving again for having lost this physical reminder of their DC, and so will need to go through the stages of grieving again. Anger is one of these so I would expect that in time they may well be able to forgive both you, and themselves for not having been able to preserve the image forever.

Waltermittythesequel · 14/09/2014 22:22

The thing is, I don't actually think the OP did anything wrong but the tone of her posts, like she's pissed that they won't just forgive her annoyed me!