This wasn't done on purpose, why can't I be forgiven

[PleaseLetMeKeepTheSportsCar]

Last week I went to visit my friend who was babysitting for her sisters young children - 8 and 10.

We were playing with the children and generally getting hyperactive, chasing them round the house etc and eventually we settled them down a bit.

I was walking around the room and asking the children about the photos on the wall and their dvd collections etc when I picked up one of these from the sideboard and reminisced about how I had one as a child. Without thinking I shook it upside down to a shriek.

My friends mother had a baby, she grew into a 2 year old and sadly passed away. Her face was etched into the pin art, the pin art that I had just removed.

Now none of them are talking to me and I feel devastated.
What I did was terrible but at the same time I didn't realise. Yes I should have checked, it was on a sideboard after all. I don't even know how/if I can make it up to her.

She treasured this for a year :(

I think all this talk of forgiveness is excessive.

The op says that the friend had treasured this piece of pin art for a year- so presumably it's only recently been created in memory of a baby (her mother's baby) which presumably passed away many years ago - perhaps even before the friend was born.

If it was a long treasured memory of this baby that had been created at the time the baby had died then the upset would be more understandable. but the friend had only had it for a year? So presumably if it's only recently been created then it can be re-created? It's pin art after all - it can be done and then undone.

Did your friend's sister ask you to entertain her children?

Latte - it's a toy.

I don't see how anyone could reasonably have known it's significance.

I was walking around the room and asking the children about the photos on the wall and their dvd collections etc when I picked up one of these from the sideboard

^ that isn't 'entertaining' the children, that's being nosy and poking about.

Don't get anything made for them.

Bereavement and grief are very personal. They might not like what you get made, but because it has their little girls face on it, they wont feel able to get rid of it.

Just apologise, again, both for spoiling it and for intruding on their personal space.

it's a pretty bizarre memento of a dead child - sooner or later it was going to be touched, or played with, or knocked onto the floor. It ought to have been made more permanent by setting in acrylic medium or spraying with hairspray or glue or something.

I can't imagine not talking to someone who had upset me accidentally.

I don't like people picking up my ornaments but would assume that a toy was fair game, especially if children were around.

for you

I'm sorry but you were being nosy and you should feel awful.
Saying that it can't be undone, I would give them some time. I don't understand why people are trying to minimize this, an 8 and 10 year old didn't manage to break this for a year.

If someone has a toy on a sideboard, in a house with children in it, I wouldn't ordinarily expect it to be a treasured memento. And if I were entertaining the children, I would pick up what is presumably one of their toys. I would have expected a treasured memento to be behind glass and probably glued in place so it could not accidentally be changed.

It was an accident and you had no way of knowing what it stood for. No one told you and I am guessing it was not an obvious centre piece to any display. You have apologised. That's all you can really do.

nope - I still don't get the upset.

If it was a picture - an irreplaceable photograph then I could understand the upset (although still couldn't understand the silence tbh) but it was pin art. It's not irreplaceable - it's only been created in the past year and presumably in memory of a child who died some years ago and who the friend who isn't talking to op may never even have known. It can be re-created and then perhaps put behind glass but it's not an irreplaceable ornament - it's a child's toy which no-one could possibly have known contained a memory of some kind of this child.

It wasn't broken because people in the house knew what it was.

No one is trying to minimise how upset the family must feel, but the upshot is it wasn't an object of obvious importance, it's nature is very temporary and it wasn't in a secure place.

WooWoo, unless I'm misunderstanding, the little girl was the friend's sister - why would it be less upsetting to her than to the friend's mother?

I thought the little girl would be the friends neice, but I could be misunderstanding too. It's fair enough for the friend to be upset, but to not be taking to the OP when she saw the mistake for herself is unfair IMO.

xposts namechanger. :)
ok, I concede that - is it possible that maybe the mother had the pin art made years ago and the friend has only recently put it in her house?

Has the mother recently died hence the pin art is now in op's friend's house?

wannabe no, the child is a sister to the 8 & 10 yo. The little girl that died made it before she died by pressing her face into it. It is irreplaceable.

It was in a secure enough place for a year before someone who wasn't actually invited into the home destroyed it.

namechanger I would assume the baby had died longer ago because it was the friend's mother's baby. And given the friend and her sister are adults old enough to have eight and ten year old children, it's less likely that the mother is still of childbearing age iyswim?

Oh fgs how were you to know??

Fine to apologise but don't grovel. It's a toy. They should have put it somewhere safer.

Read again, and I did misunderstand. It would have been the friends sister.

"My friends mother had a baby, she grew into a 2 year old and sadly passed away." it states here that it was the friend's mother's baby not her sister's baby. So friend's sister not her niece.

I would devastated as the sister but I would be more angry with myself for not letting you know than with you for touching. Looking at children's photos while they talk about them is natural and the object could easily be described as a toy.

I could have easily done the same OP.

so very very easily.

Start by forgiving yourself.

Give it time

If it’s “precious” then maybe they should have put it somewhere safe. A sideboard is not safe. Even assuming everyone knew about the significance of the item it could still be knocked over easily, especially with young kids around. Even a slight knock would damage that.

I feel for the family because it was a snapshot of her face when she was alive and they obviously can’t get that back. But ultimately, you can’t expect people to just know. Don't press them too hard for forgiveness- I'm sure they're partly angry at themselves for not preserving this in a cabinet or something.

I think it was the sort of incident that was waiting to happen unfortunately.

However I think you have to understand that they are shocked and angry. As others have said perhaps send a letter or flowers but you may have to accept that this friendship is over.