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Original poster

This wasn't done on purpose, why can't I be forgiven

316 replies

PleaseLetMeKeepTheSportsCar · 12/09/2014 14:06

Last week I went to visit my friend who was babysitting for her sisters young children - 8 and 10.

We were playing with the children and generally getting hyperactive, chasing them round the house etc and eventually we settled them down a bit.

I was walking around the room and asking the children about the photos on the wall and their dvd collections etc when I picked up one of these from the sideboard and reminisced about how I had one as a child. Without thinking I shook it upside down to a shriek.

My friends mother had a baby, she grew into a 2 year old and sadly passed away. Her face was etched into the pin art, the pin art that I had just removed.

Now none of them are talking to me and I feel devastated.
What I did was terrible but at the same time I didn't realise. Yes I should have checked, it was on a sideboard after all. I don't even know how/if I can make it up to her.

She treasured this for a year :(

OP posts:
longtallsally2 · 12/09/2014 16:11

It was a genuine accident and you should not feel bad yourself.

However, for them it will be a new bereavement. Their two year old died a year ago and they were not able to prevent it. The toy that she had held and which bore her imprint - like an imprint on a pillow as someone said above - has now been taken from them and they were not able to prevent it. The feelings of loss, powerlessness, maybe despair that they felt then will be very real for them again now, and will take a long time to process. Give them as much space as they need, perhaps sending a bouquet if you wanted to with a heartfelt note, and then let them process their loss in their own time. They are not mourning the loss of the toy, they are mourning the loss of their child, the toy just symbolised her to them. And yes, maybe they should have put it somewhere safer - I'm sure they wish they had now too - but people who have been through a tragedy may not be thinking that clearly.

In time, what happened will fall into perspective for them but everything must be a bit raw now.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 12/09/2014 16:14

Oh crap I feel sorry for you. I don't think you did anything wrong in asking about photos and looking at things- it's not nosy, it's taking an interest to engage with children.

But I get why they're so upset as well. Let it cool, apologise profusely. You have every right to be forgiven but equally they have every right to feel however they feel and if they want to harbour anger towards you for this, you have to accept it. Poor people, losing a child.
But you didn't mean any harm.

Mrsfrumble · 12/09/2014 16:14

Longtallsally2 is very wise!

Original poster
PleaseLetMeKeepTheSportsCar · 12/09/2014 16:18

However, your posts seem lacking in any understanding of the terrible tragedy this family have suffered, and you seem entirely focused on how you feel about it

That's not my intention. I am currently in work and simply replying.

Of coursse I feel terrible, like I said I don't know how to make things up and make them hurt less. I feel like an idiot and if I had known what it was I would have kept at least 6ft away!

OP posts:
3luckystars · 12/09/2014 16:19

Oh this is very sad. I'm sorry this happened.

If it was me (and it easily could be) I would buy them a gift, something really special with a lot of thought that they can put on the sideboard instead of it. You will need to get help from your friend. It must have been like ripping a plaster off for them.

LittleBairn · 12/09/2014 16:20

It may have been on their sideboard, but I would assume an adult would never be so rude as to touch things that don't belong to them! Of its a Toy or ornament whatever, dont be so propriety over other people's possession.
If someone damaged something of my DC (both dead) I would be beyond devastated it would probably end the relationship.
Not fair when its an accident, it would be an emotional response that I would find difficult to control.

Stealthpolarbear · 12/09/2014 16:23

I really wouldn't advise buying something else to put on e sideboard in its place.

Waltermittythesequel · 12/09/2014 16:24

I find it weird that you went around poking at stuff on the sideboard to get the dc to talk about themselves.

At 8 and 10?

You were there with their aunt, there was no need for you to have any "break the ice" sessions with them!

Furthermore, it might have been a toy but presumably it was the only one up there, on the sideboard, amongst photographs? I wouldn't have touched it.

You sound like you were weirdly overfamiliar.

That being said, obviously you didn't do it on purpose.

How about you just leave them alone and stop trying to figure out how to get them to forgive you?

This isn't about you!

TheVeryThing · 12/09/2014 16:24

Maybe I'm being unfair, then. You've already apologised and I don't think there is any more you can do, however much you would like to make it up to them.
I think longtallsally2 has explained it well, and I hope your friend realises that it was an accident. At the moment she probably can't think past her upset for her sister.

AdoraBell · 12/09/2014 16:25

I don't think you can make them hurt less. As I said before, it's going take time and no one else can control how much time.

Original poster
PleaseLetMeKeepTheSportsCar · 12/09/2014 16:25

But it was a toy on a sideboard! How was I to know? There were toys EVERYWHERE.

It wasn't intentional and I feel terrible and so sorry for them

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 12/09/2014 16:25

stuff on sideboard / mantlepiece / shelf unless you are asked to if they do not belong to you then you do not touch them.it's very different to toys in a toy box.
Do you have kids, NeedsaSock?
I usually do a minesweep of the mantelpieces, dresser, windowsills, pretty much all flat surfaces every evening; they're usually covered in Skyanders, trash packs, power rangers, playmobil, you name it.
If I had a child's toy which happened to be an irreplacable treasure, I wouldn't leave it on the bloody sideboard, because it would look like a child's toy, not an irreplaceable treasure...

splendide · 12/09/2014 16:26

Sorry but some of these posts are bizarre -

" I would assume an adult would never be so rude as to touch things that don't belong to them"

I hope you don't sit on people's furniture in that case, or make yourself a cup of tea when babysitting.

Having said that, I would just apologise profusely then leave it - of course they can't be expected to be rational about this. You don't need to be forgiven and they may not want to see you again you'll just have to live with that.

Original poster
PleaseLetMeKeepTheSportsCar · 12/09/2014 16:26

I find it weird that you went around poking at stuff on the sideboard to get the dc to talk about themselves

I didn't go poking around, I picked up a toy. And yes, I spoke about their DVD collection

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 12/09/2014 16:26

And yet, it's managed to stay there untouched for an entire year.

So, clearly, not everyone thinks other people's stuff is fair game!

BrightestBulbinBox · 12/09/2014 16:27

No way to make this better, but I think they are as angry at themselves as they are at you. Probably kicking themselves for not preserving it in the logical way everyone here has pointed out. Grief isn't logical. Recognize this isn't about you and don't make it about you.

Thomyorke · 12/09/2014 16:31

Maybe I am strange but I have toys on sideboards, the bloody xbox is on the sideboard. I also love pendulums and I have a large one on the sideboard it is an ornament but it is also there to be used and many a visitor as set it off without asking permission and generally visitors talk and look at pictures on the wall of the children.

pictish · 12/09/2014 16:31

No neither would I.
I think a card with a note, once again stating your sincere apologies for the gaff, will suffice. No gift can express your sorrow better than you can.
I am so cringing for you, and feeling awful for them.

Am I the only person who can totally imagine something like this happening to me? God I'd be morto! Blush

SpaceInvaders · 12/09/2014 16:31

Oh no, I feel for you, what an awful thing to happen. I'd have been devastated if I'd have done that, and I'm sure your friends and family were devastated when it happened as it's irreplaceable.
How the hell were you supposed to know, though?! OK, granted you shouldn't have been 'fiddling' but OMG, that was an accident waiting to happen!
I can quite easily see how it could happen. I can imagine myself if seeing one of those going "ooh I used to love these!" and picking it up.
It was a popular 80's TOY for many and the whole point was to poke your tongue out into it/your fist whatever! Then tip it upside down and start again.
Something so precious pushed in to one of those and that can so easily fall out should absolutely have been put somewhere safe.
Too late now though, they've learnt a hard lesson. Sad
You've said sorry, there's not much more you can do.

longtallsally2 · 12/09/2014 16:31

We hear you Please. Don't feel too bad - you couldn't have foreseen what happened. Don't buy them something else for the sideboard. Let them find something that they want to put there - let them sort their feelings out and remember their baby how they choose.

Again, you weren't to blame, but people who are hurting sometimes express their hurt through anger - they want someone to blame. Be big enough to accept that they may be cross, but that it is not your fault, nor can you do anything to make it go away. It is their pain which is colouring their reactions and you cannot change that pain.

Do you have children? Enjoy the weekend with them in the sunshine if you do, cherish them, have fun and put this to the back of your mind, if you can.

MillyONaire · 12/09/2014 16:33

Anything on display in my house - social areas such as kitchen and sitting room and guest room are a free for all to touch - otherwise they wouldn't be out there!! Precious things that are NOT to be touched or shared are in my room or at least upstairs where no-one but family goes. I would not blame any guest for touching or accidentally breaking any of my possessions if I have put them out.

I'm really perplexed at the notion of "forgiveness" for what was an entirely unintentional accident. I would be as mortified as you OP but don't beat yourself up over touching something that was on display. I think as someone said upthread it has more to do with the fact that their grief has been re-ignited by this - inadvertently by you but I cannot imagine that they are spending much time actively blaming you! I wouldn't buy them a keepsake either as that sort of thing is personal but maybe, if you haven't done so already, a short and sweet note to apologise and sympathise.

Kimaroo · 12/09/2014 16:33

I'm surprised so many people would pick up a pin-art and shake it. Even if there is something on it? Different if it is blank but any image is something that someone else has made. Would you take a plasticine model and roll it into a ball? Or break up a Lego creation and make your own? Same thing to me. Sorry you feel bad op though, the family must be devastated.

Stealthpolarbear · 12/09/2014 16:36

Yes bulb they probably had it in the back of their minds to do all this time
Pictish - I certainly won't ever be playing with any of these I come across unless invited!!

TheCraicDealer · 12/09/2014 16:39

Sorry but some of these posts are bizarre -

"I would assume an adult would never be so rude as to touch things that don't belong to them"

I hope you don't sit on people's furniture in that case, or make yourself a cup of tea when babysitting.

YY splendide. I have mental images of people perching on the edge of a sofa wearing a straight jacket to make sure they don't inadvertently touch something.

pictish · 12/09/2014 16:40

Those pin art things require no skill or imagination, so it is not the same as plasticine or lego. It's more like turning a sand timer upside down or something like that.

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