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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what would you do in this situation?

179 replies

WaywardOn3 · 10/09/2014 11:45

My Dsis and her family are going to be homeless for a few weeks - month while their new house is being sorted. So said they could stay with us, problem solved. Until they announced that her dsc would be staying as well for two of those weeks since their mums going on holiday.

That's where the problem lies I've never met them (dss 11 and dsd 8) but I've heard enough about her dss to not want him anywhere near my house.

He's been to our parents house when Dsis and her dc (dds 2 and 4) went to pick out a kitten, their first family pet. All four dc picked the kitten, dss snuck back into the room later and stamped the kitten to death 'accidentally' while playing with her. His sister lost her pet rabbit shortly after BIL split from their mum in a similar 'stomping accident'. He's shown no real signs of being overly aggressive with his siblings according to Dsis but she's understandably said no to the family having a pet in the near future.

We have a lot of pets and I really don't want to run the risk of him having another 'accident'. Dsis won't be able to watch him after school as they both work late so it'll be up to me. That's fine with her dc but not with the sdc.

I can't turn them away but can I tell her the sdc aren't welcome even though I know there's no family on BILs side who can have them (all live abroad) and their mum is insisting they stay with their dad.

They don't have the spare cash to stay in a travel lodge either since it's all being ploughed into their house

:-/

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 10/09/2014 20:32

So if they don't normally have them during the week, i do not understand how your sister would assume they were included in the invite and that you would take on exta childcare duties without specifically agreeing to this. Even without the animal stuff, your sister is taking the piss

Why don't you say this? I'm confused.

Original poster
WaywardOn3 · 10/09/2014 20:39

Well they threw me when I got the text this morning asking if I'd be able to look after her dsc while I was looking after the others when they were at work. So only found out about the dsc staying at mine this morning...

Dsis has been told that since we don't know the sdc we don't feel comfortable looking after them without their dad being here. Also broached pet and ds safety they understand and BIL is going to talk to his ex about alternatives for the sdc

OP posts:
Original poster
WaywardOn3 · 10/09/2014 20:43

roll it had been mentioned in passing months ago that their mum would be going away at some point near back to school time and they'd have the sdc for 2 weeks. I was apparently meant to remember that which I'm guessing is how Dsis became confused?

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 10/09/2014 20:48

Oh right. Presumably they only just realised the step children needed childcare too, then?

Maisyblue · 10/09/2014 20:52

It really isn't your responsibility to mind these children. Surely it's up to your sister to tell the mother that it's impossible for you to have the kids because you are actually going to be homeless for those weeks. It's not up to you to put yourself out, let the children's mother arrange child care for her own children while she is on holiday. If she can't then she can't go on holiday. Either that or your Bil will have to make arrangements for his children.

Maisyblue · 10/09/2014 20:55

Sorry got it a bit wrong, I meant it's not your responsibility to have her step children because she is going to be homeless.

maddening · 10/09/2014 21:00

Dsis could rent a holiday let for two weeks and they should arrange leave and childcare for the dc too.

WooWooOwl · 10/09/2014 21:01

Maisy, why should OPs sister speak to the child's mother about it? Their Dad, OPs BIL, has presumably already agreed to looking after his dc for those two weeks, so it's his responsibility.

I don't see why BIL needs to talk to his ex about it either, he just needs to come up with a solution. And if that means taking time off work and finding the money so that they can stay in a travelodge or something then so be it.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/09/2014 22:30

Agree with woowoo, how is this your or your sisters responsibility to sort, without any apparent involvement from their dad?

tiggytape · 10/09/2014 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pluCaChange · 10/09/2014 22:39

We're doing a house renovation which has gone over budget and over schedule, as many do, so that bit might have indeed been avoidable.

However, what IS avoidable is:

  • springing 2 extra guests on family, let alone problematic, ultra high-maintenance ones like these, and
  • letting animal killing be repeated without massive and family-wide intervention.
pluCaChange · 10/09/2014 22:47

Actually, I wonder if some of your DSis's unreasonably accusation to you is stress transferred from (a) the house project (which sounds wildly over ambitious) and (b) her husband, his exoectations, his demands, his children and ex-wife. She may be sytessed and unhappy in hrr marriage but not be allowed to make "demands" because he has too many demands on him already, what with the hiuse, blended family, etc. ... If you CAN stand firm and give her (and your own family) a break from his family demands for that period (by making HIM cover it), perhaps you'll be helping her. You'll certainly be helping your OWN household (which includes the four-legged members!)

pluCaChange · 10/09/2014 22:49

Bah! Loads of typos.

In my first post, I meant the house timing might have been UN avoidable, sorry!

AugustaGloop · 10/09/2014 23:04

How will the children get to your house from school? Are you expected to collect them?

MyPandaisasecretmonster · 10/09/2014 23:35

You actually considered letting this boy in your home ?

Its not Aspergers ffs Angry

The disruption to this boy and his usual routine on top of staying in a complete strangers house will more than likely be enough to set him off again especially if his Dad isn't their to watch his every move .

If your Sister & her DH will not admit their is anything wrong then if I were you I would be contacting Social Services and telling them about him because if he doesn't get help he will most definitely get worse .

arethereanyleftatall · 11/09/2014 00:01

This is all so very very odd.
So, putting the animal stomping aside, their mum is happy to have someone she's never met, look after her dc in a house she's never been to, for 2weeks?? And, she hasn't even called you to talk about it or indeed ask of it's ok?Maybe I'm pfb, but that is very bizarre to me.

BlinkAndMiss · 11/09/2014 00:10

I'm sure that in extreme circumstances such as this then the DSC should remain with their mother. When their father has a organised long term accommodation then visitation over night should definitely be reinstated.

It's not for everyone else to sort out, I'm definitely an advocate of including step children in the same way that the rest of the family would be included but when it's children who you have rarely spent any time with then I'd draw the line.

This child has issues alongside aspergers and the fact that his parents have divorced. Whilst there is upheaval in one area of his life, the other areas should remain as typical as humanly possible to help him remain calm and settled. His mother sounds like a piece of work if she is aware if this impending situation if she jets off on holiday and is still deciding to go anyway. Of course she is entitled to a holiday but only at the convenience of her children.

You've done the right thing, just stick to your guns.

EverythingCounts · 11/09/2014 00:24

Frankly it is bloody insulting to anyone with Aspergers to blame that for the boy's behaviour towards animals. As many people have said already, that is a different ball game altogether.

It's not a step children issue either; it was misleading of you (I understand why you did it, but even so) to suggest it was. The truth is actually far more reasonable: it's the child with highly disturbing violent behaviour that's the problem, whether step or not.

They've been hugely irresponsible too in the way they've 'organised' Hmm the house move. If they 'can't afford' a Travelodge to cover the gap, then they can't afford to do any of the move, simple as. They cannot simply expect you to take up all the slack here at high cost (financial and in effort, time etc) to yourself. That's even before the stepson comes into things.

If you let him stay, you're risking the safety of your pets and your own children. You know what he's capable of. You can't take that risk. You need to tell your sister exactly that.

temporaryusername · 11/09/2014 00:38

I don't know much about Aspergers, but I do know it is outrageous to offer that as an explanation of his behaviour. Dangerous too, because he clearly needs immediate intervention of some kind. To be honest I would never let him near your family or pets. This will not end well.

I am amazed that your sister or his father could think that a child with these problems could be a house guest for a relative, especially with other children or animals around. You would think that consideration of his terrifying behaviour would be at the forefront of every decision they make. You can be there for your sister if she wants to talk about it, but it ends there I think.

Bulbasaur · 11/09/2014 01:02

He killed the rabbit when he was 5 and the kitten at 10. Apparently he has a form of Asbergers syndrome and shouldn't pose a threat to our pets, ds or Dsiss dc. I'm just being dramatic

It's possible to have AS and MH problems at the same time. They're not mutually exclusive.

VenusRising · 11/09/2014 01:19

My DHs cat was killed by a boy who stuck a needle in his eye, to see what would happen. He had Aspergers.
I wouldn't let this kid near my kids, let alone my animals. He sounds like a psychopath.

Just say No, sorry, I misunderstood and it doesn't suit us, you'll have to make other arrangements.

sunflower49 · 11/09/2014 01:47

Venus that's horrendous :(

OP 'No, sorry, I misunderstood and it doesn't suit us, you'll have to make other arrangements'

^That. End of. WWID?I'd have this person nowhere near my children or my pets.

I agree he needs help, he needs assessment, and his problems sorted out. I agree with temporary.

JessieMcJessie · 11/09/2014 01:51

Dear God. Did your DSis and her DH organise their home renovation after you volunteered to take them in, or did they just go on ahead and make arrangements that would put the family in need of a month's accommodation without budgeting to pay for that, then lay a guilt trip on you? The whole scenario is spectacularly irresponsible on their part. Responsible adults/parents simply do not place their children's need for a roof over their heads at the mercy of the kindness of others. They PAY for it.

And that's before we even throw the animal killing surprise extra guest into the mix. You need to stop being a doormat for your sister OP, and even though the step DC are probably going elsewhere now, you need to make it clear to her that she is fucking lucky that you were their to bail her and her DH out of their fecklessness.

Morloth · 11/09/2014 03:21

No chance.

The rabbit at 5 years old is one thing, rabbits are delicate, accidents happen, children that young don't really understand etc.

But stomping a kitten at 10? Completely different thing.

I have a 10 year old boy, he is no more likely to accidentally hurt an animal now than I am.

Simplesusan · 11/09/2014 06:40

I agree with everything Jessie has said.

They sound very entitled.

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