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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what would you do in this situation?

179 replies

WaywardOn3 · 10/09/2014 11:45

My Dsis and her family are going to be homeless for a few weeks - month while their new house is being sorted. So said they could stay with us, problem solved. Until they announced that her dsc would be staying as well for two of those weeks since their mums going on holiday.

That's where the problem lies I've never met them (dss 11 and dsd 8) but I've heard enough about her dss to not want him anywhere near my house.

He's been to our parents house when Dsis and her dc (dds 2 and 4) went to pick out a kitten, their first family pet. All four dc picked the kitten, dss snuck back into the room later and stamped the kitten to death 'accidentally' while playing with her. His sister lost her pet rabbit shortly after BIL split from their mum in a similar 'stomping accident'. He's shown no real signs of being overly aggressive with his siblings according to Dsis but she's understandably said no to the family having a pet in the near future.

We have a lot of pets and I really don't want to run the risk of him having another 'accident'. Dsis won't be able to watch him after school as they both work late so it'll be up to me. That's fine with her dc but not with the sdc.

I can't turn them away but can I tell her the sdc aren't welcome even though I know there's no family on BILs side who can have them (all live abroad) and their mum is insisting they stay with their dad.

They don't have the spare cash to stay in a travel lodge either since it's all being ploughed into their house

:-/

OP posts:
blanklook · 10/09/2014 15:53

I wouldn't care how long ago he did it, nor how many excuses were being made for him, he would not get across my threshold under any circumstances.

Please for the sake of your own family and your pets, say NO.

Original poster
WaywardOn3 · 10/09/2014 16:30

Sadly not a troll :-(

Managed to get hold of Dsis on her break. She was shocked I hadn't realised it would be all of them staying and is going to have a word with her DH about logistics. I'm now causing added stress at an already stressful time with only a week to go before they move. Kind of think well sorry but my family and their happiness comes first :-S

He killed the rabbit when he was 5 and the kitten at 10. Apparently he has a form of Asbergers syndrome and shouldn't pose a threat to our pets, ds or Dsiss dc. I'm just being dramatic :-o

I watch Dsiss youngest while she's at work most days so having her older sister after school shouldn't be a problem.

OP posts:
Sunna · 10/09/2014 16:33

At least you've told her now, OP. You did the right thing.

springlamb · 10/09/2014 16:43

If their Mum is insisting her holiday is honoured and they stay with their dad, he will have to magic up two weeks off work or go sick and stay at their mother's house with them.
If your DSis were not moving, he would still have to magic up the time off work. He is covering those two weeks. Not their step-aunt. That's not what their contact are surely.
It's very 'convenient' that all these things have come together and you happen to be around so that he doesn't need to take a fortnight off.
Aside from everything else, which sounds a horrendous situation.

BoysiesBack · 10/09/2014 16:44

I've just read this entire thread andShock at some of the replies.

Yes, I agree with the majority that Wayward shouldn't be under obligation to let a child who has such serious issues stay with her when there is a risk to other children & animals, I would feel the same.

BUT, some of the comments about the step-son are really horrible, it's still a child being discussed, one who is obviously very troubled, show some humanity Sad

zippey · 10/09/2014 16:46

Im sure he is a lovely child, but he has a track record of killing animals and you have a duty of care towards your animals. It would be a no from me.

Everyone else can stay though.

Can the mum not get an extra ticket and take him away. Or grandparents/friends etc

rollonthesummer · 10/09/2014 16:47

If your DSis were not moving, he would still have to magic up the time off work. He is covering those two weeks. Not their step-aunt.

This!!

Why were your sister be surprised you hadn't realised you were needed to look after these children who don't live with them? Why would you think the mum would be on holiday?????

IngridCold · 10/09/2014 16:56

I hope you didn't apologise OP!

She's got a bloody nerve. If she dares to have any sort of attitude towards you over this, say flatly "Look. I'm doing you a favour. It was very unreasonable of you to just assume that dear little Jeffrey Dahmer could come and stay - even putting aside his little hobby it would have been a squeeze. Give me any more grief and you can all stay in a hotel".

GarlicSeptimus · 10/09/2014 16:58

So, Wayward, while we're chatting ... who's got the psychopath gene, then? His mum, his dad, or one of the grandparents?

GarlicSeptimus · 10/09/2014 16:59

dear little Jeffrey Dahmer - I shouldn't Grin, but I am!

AcrossthePond55 · 10/09/2014 17:07

You've done the right thing. This child needs psychiatric intervention ASAP. Children with Asperger's, ADHD, etc do not kill animals as a rule. It's a symptom of a deeper problem.

Frankly, and I'll probably get flamed, I'd seriously consider contacting Children's Services (or the UK equivalent) if the parents won't do anything to help that poor boy.

zippey · 10/09/2014 17:08

I dont think its great form to call children names, or to jokingly equate them with serial killers. He's a kid who maybe has a problem (we dont really know his full background) and its something he may grow out of in time.

However, you still have a duty of care to your pets first and foremostly, so I wouldnt be letting him stay.

blanklook · 10/09/2014 17:17

Apparently he has a form of Asbergers syndrome and shouldn't pose a threat to our pets, ds or Dsiss dc. I'm just being dramatic :-o

There is NO form of Asperger's syndrome which suggests people who have it will be killers. However, people with that condition can become very anxious when subject to a change in their routine. This can be reflected in their behaviour.

You're not being dramatic, you are being sensible. Whatever has made him kill those pets, one when he was 5, the other when he was 10, is not Asperger's, it's something else. It needs investigating and your Dsis needs to appreciate the seriousness of the situation, particularly with such a large family upheaval coming up.

No matter what she says, don't have him to stay, don't have him at yours at all.

rainbowinmyroom · 10/09/2014 17:18

They both have some nerve. Causing her stress? Fuck that. I'd tell her, either she pays for the pets to go to kennel or her husband takes time off to supervise Jeffrey Dahmer, Jr.

rollonthesummer · 10/09/2014 17:19

Your sister is being utterly unreasonable if she can't see why you aren't happy about this?!

8misskitty8 · 10/09/2014 17:24

What utter rubbish.
As another poster has already said Aspergers does not cause a child to stamp on and kill animals.

And the comment about how he shouldn't cause a threat to your pets and children, how does she know ??
I'd be telling her if it's causing so much stress then NONE of them are welcome at your house.
It seems that that part of the family are burying their heads in the sand and not wanting to face up to reality. Which is not helping that boy or his siblings really as they will know what he did.

rollonthesummer · 10/09/2014 17:25

He close are you to your sister, OP?

I just can't imagine-after the conversations you must have had with her over the years (omg, DH's son kills a kitten...guess what-he's now killed a rabbit!!), - she now seriously expects you to welcome him into your home? With your children and pets?!

There must be more to this.

ProudAS · 10/09/2014 17:32

If hes got Aspergers won't he be best off in his usual home anyway rather than shipped around. I assume his dad would have been looking after him that week without the house move so staying with his DCs shouldn't be a big deal.

hoobypickypicky · 10/09/2014 17:44

Under no circumstances would this child visit my home. Ever.

He has a mother. If his father is unavoidably able to house him his mother needs to cancel or re-arrange her avoidable holiday to provide housing for their child. This is not your problem.

Dsis is taking the piss, A. for assuming that you'd host people who weren't previously mentioned and who aren't full time members of her household, B. for thinking it in any way acceptable for a pet owner to accommodate a child with form for stamping animals to death and C. for trying to guilt trip you with whines about you adding "extra stress". Extra stress?! What about your extra stress?

Just keep repeating, "Your plan doesn't work for us. Your husband will have to speak with his ex and sort out with her how they are going to accommodate their son. There's nothing else to discuss".

grazingfees · 10/09/2014 17:46

YANBU, you need to protect your animals.

This child is being failed by his parents, btw. They have also failed the poor kitten - if he kicked a rabbit to death why on earth did they then go and buy a kitten? The child obviously needs psychiatric help and the minimising from your sister is quite frightening.

Topaz25 · 10/09/2014 17:59

Sorry haven't fully RTFT because I was so horrified by your post but YANBU at all. The step son needs help and his family need to stop pretending these incidents are accidents. He has much bigger issues than Aspergers, I have Aspergers and I love animals. You have every right to refuse to have him in your house. You have not just a right but a responsibility to protect your family, including pets. Your sister is BU. You are doing her a favour and it would be unfair of her to assume she can add two extra people even if one of them wasn't violent.

Mmeh · 10/09/2014 18:07

Totally unreasonable off your sister to impose this upon you. I suggest you tell her this in no uncertain terms.

Mmeh · 10/09/2014 18:07

Of not off

HilariousInHindsight · 10/09/2014 18:08

I'm sorry but an 11 year old is old enough to not accidently stomp on an animal - he has some serious behavioural problems that need sorted ASAP.

On that basis I would say 'Sure my niece and nephew are welcome, but not the dsc because...' and say why.

Because no sane person would disagree.

rainbowinmyroom · 10/09/2014 18:13

In fact, I would not have the kid around mine at all and would tell them why and would have reported them to SS after the second incident.

Harming animals is indicative of some very serious problems.