Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what would you do in this situation?

179 replies

WaywardOn3 · 10/09/2014 11:45

My Dsis and her family are going to be homeless for a few weeks - month while their new house is being sorted. So said they could stay with us, problem solved. Until they announced that her dsc would be staying as well for two of those weeks since their mums going on holiday.

That's where the problem lies I've never met them (dss 11 and dsd 8) but I've heard enough about her dss to not want him anywhere near my house.

He's been to our parents house when Dsis and her dc (dds 2 and 4) went to pick out a kitten, their first family pet. All four dc picked the kitten, dss snuck back into the room later and stamped the kitten to death 'accidentally' while playing with her. His sister lost her pet rabbit shortly after BIL split from their mum in a similar 'stomping accident'. He's shown no real signs of being overly aggressive with his siblings according to Dsis but she's understandably said no to the family having a pet in the near future.

We have a lot of pets and I really don't want to run the risk of him having another 'accident'. Dsis won't be able to watch him after school as they both work late so it'll be up to me. That's fine with her dc but not with the sdc.

I can't turn them away but can I tell her the sdc aren't welcome even though I know there's no family on BILs side who can have them (all live abroad) and their mum is insisting they stay with their dad.

They don't have the spare cash to stay in a travel lodge either since it's all being ploughed into their house

:-/

OP posts:
ApprenticeViper · 10/09/2014 13:41

I'm getting shades of "We Need To Talk About Kevin" here. I feel really sorry for the boy (although not quite as sorry as I do for the kitten and rabbit he has stomped Sad) - he needs some psychiatric assistance.

YWNBU to tell your DSis that the invitation has been retracted, either in whole or in part. Would she be happy with her and her DDs staying with you, while her DH and DSC stayed elsewhere? It would be cheaper than them all having to stay elsewhere.

Also, I echo PPs points about you being the unpaid childcare for the DSCs while she and her DH work late. That is definitely not on and needs to be addressed.

rollonthesummer · 10/09/2014 13:50

Your sister is taking the piss! She wants to stay for a month (free?) and then had suddenly announced (not asked?!) if two more --animal
Killers--can stay?! They are both carrying on working whilst you look after them?! Who normally looks after your sister's kids and step kids? If they weren't moving and the step children were coming for a fortnight, who would look after them all?

Do you have Kick me written on you?! I think your sister is taking big time liberties and you need to day no, now. Don't say it's not an option-of course it is,

miceinthemouseorgan · 10/09/2014 13:52

Over my dead body. Rather than those of my animals. I agree with the 'dad staying with the kids at their mum's house while she's away' suggestions above.

Hollerback · 10/09/2014 14:02

I really feel for you OP, but I think you already have made your mind up, quite rightly, to say no, I think you're more worried about how to say it. Just be factual, tell her you didn't realise it was the DSC as well and that you cannot have the DSS to stay because you would fear for the safety of your pets.

Yes this child does need some medical help. This is not a social services problem, he needs professional medical help and this will only come from a referral from the GP to the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service. You can suggest that he is taken to the GP, if she doesn't then you can speak to Social Services to say that you feel she is not accessing medical care for her son.

To the poster that said call social services because he is homeless, he is not homeless and wouldn't be put into care as a babysitting service. They would remind his father that he is legally responsible for his care and they would expect him to find somewhere else to stay with him whilst his mother is on holiday.

Good luck.

HicDraconis · 10/09/2014 14:07

I wouldn't have the stepson staying in a house with animals.

His mother can insist that his father has him all she likes - his father has nowhere to live for that period of time.

Your sister and her children can stay with you, BiL and his children in a caravan nearby (or tent / B&B / travelodge / camp out in their own house / stay in ex's house - wherever) but you do not have to host this boy and it is not your problem how they arrange things, it's theirs.

I would be honest about your reasons too. But again - it's not your problem, it's theirs - don't let them guilt you into thinking it's yours.

GarlicSeptimus · 10/09/2014 14:26

Tricky's said it. Your sister's stepson is a budding psychopath and needs intervention - mental health care, not social services (though SS could enforce medical care if they had the time.) Your sister doesn't have the right to override DSS's bio parents on health care, but I'd be putting a lot of pressure on her and her husband to ask their GP for a CAMHS referral. Of course the boy's a victim too - it generally takes some kind of trauma to push a predisposed child over the edge. This doesn't mean he won't need intervention: quite the opposite!

DSS killed the other two pets while under adult supervision. You'd be insane to have him to stay with your menagerie. Imo you'd be stupid not to explain to both parents exactly why.

This makes me wonder why his dad isn't more concerned about the boy's issues, and why he hasn't already offered to take time off while his XW's away - not to mention that he doesn't seem to have bothered about his family needing somewhere to live while they have their house remodelled. Is he generally impulsive, OP, and can he be a bit overbearing?

Terrierterror · 10/09/2014 14:35

I wouldn't let him set foot in my home and I'd be very worried about him being alone around his half sisters over the next few years.

whois · 10/09/2014 14:36

How about a big fat no fucking way???

Father goes to stay with his children at the ex's house for the duration of her holiday. He arranges after school care for his children.

Sister and her children stay with you and she ALSO arranges some after school care for her own children.

Don't be a mug re childcare. Don't be pushed into having the animal killer.

Do push your sister and husband towards getting the animal killer some help.

cardamomginger · 10/09/2014 14:36

You have to be completely honest that he is not welcome and why. Clearly the fact that they won't be having any more pets for the foreseeable indicates that they realise there is a 'problem' here.

Whether or not he will grow out of it, and the whys and wherefores of what may be prompting this behaviour are completely irrelevant to the present situation and the serious risk it poses to your pets. Even watching him won't guarantee their safety - no one can monitor him 24/7. If he wants to do it, he will find a way.

You absolutely have to say no to him staying with you. Just looked at your list of animals - there are more than enough small ones here that could be at serious risk. Don't even take the chance and you have to tell her ASAP.

whois · 10/09/2014 14:36

I wouldn't let him set foot in my home and I'd be very worried about him being alone around his half sisters over the next few years
Me too. I wouldn't want any child of mine alone with him...

alemci · 10/09/2014 14:41

please don't have him under any circumstances yabu

cardamomginger · 10/09/2014 14:43

YY to previous posters who said this behaviour is indicative of serious mental health problems and he needs psychiatric help now.

Shermouse · 10/09/2014 14:48

Regardless of the step child's behaviour. You didn't agree to have these children and nor should you be expected to. They are not your responsibility. I think you are being generous allowing the adults to stay for the month and I agree with emsyj that they are taking the piss, expecting you to look after these children. The father needs to tell their mother that he can't have them as he doesn't have anywhere to live.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 10/09/2014 14:53

I can't believe you are not only providing a roof over their heads but you are also expected to provide wrap-around childcare! Never mind the kitten stomper!

HopefulHamster · 10/09/2014 14:56

Say no, and just say as others have suggested that you can't risk it with the animals.

Also, do you even have the space for that many kids?

She may be upset but you have already offered enough. Imagine if you let them stay and he hurts one of your pets?

hormonalandneedingcheese · 10/09/2014 15:01

Yanbu you would put your pets and dc at risk. People like this start with pets then small kids. They are.putting their other dc at risk, you shouldn't have to.

Sounds like they are in denial. Not constructive for this boy and could lead to their own other dc being hurt.

numptieseverywhere · 10/09/2014 15:06

everyone I know who has had to wait for a new house and had a period with nowhere to live, has had to arrange a short term rental on a house in their area. Tell your dsis to do this.

CallMeExhausted · 10/09/2014 15:07

I am going to put this bluntly - you MUST NOT put your family and pets at risk. I am speaking from personal experience.

A child who willfully kills animals is not a normal troubled kid dealing with a divorce. This is a huge warning sign for a major emotional/behavioural disorder known as Conduct Disorder.

A dear friend of mine was a foster mother to a girl who was diagnosed with conduct disorder after she crushed the heads of two kittens to "see what would happen". The therapeutic prognosis for these children is poor, and they tend to progress to more violent antisocial behaviour.

12 years ago, at the age of 5, late at night on Mother's Day , this child set the family home ablaze. The child, my friend, and 2 of my friend's biological children did not survive the aftermath of the fire.

This is not a situation to be trifled with.

Please stand your ground, for the family's sake.

OneSkinnyChip · 10/09/2014 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

rollonthesummer · 10/09/2014 15:09

OP-come back and tell us how you think your sister will react at being told no to this revised plan?

Presumably it was her who told you about the animal deaths in the first place? Surely your refusal to welcome the children into your own home as well as look after them whilst she pisses off to work, will not, therefore, be a great shock to her?

gobbynorthernbird · 10/09/2014 15:10

OP you need to call social services. Your niece and nephew are at risk, as is the sister of this boy.

OneSkinnyChip · 10/09/2014 15:10

A terrible cross-post with Exhausted. I didn't want to be so blunt but yes, often this behaviour goes hand in hand with arson and sexual predation, especially in older children / teens.

rumbleinthrjungle · 10/09/2014 15:15

Agree with Callme this is a huge red flag that a child has been severely traumatised and is likely acting out some very disturbed thoughts and feelings. For HIS protection he should never be left unsupervised and absolutely not out of adult line of sight for a minute with an animal or young child; he needs protecting from the damage of committing further abuse as the original experiences as much as animals and young children will need protecting from them.

With children who have been this hurt and are giving you this kind of warning signal of what's going on in their heads you're into specialist management and support. Therapeutic foster parents who take on children with these kind of difficulties with their eyes wide open and with years of specialist experience find their hands full 24/7 even with all the precautions they put in place to protect the child and household. It won't work to just take him into your home and hope.

Bouttimeforwine · 10/09/2014 15:20

Concentrate on the animal issue but agree that i'd probably not want him even if I didn't have animals - unless it was many many years ago?

How long ago was it?

LadyLuck10 · 10/09/2014 15:20

He's 11 but sounds absolutely vile. Absolutely no way would he be allowed to stay. You will be busy enough with your dc who are still small so you don't have the time to be watching him.
You don't even need to find another reason, because you should be upfront with your dsis. Tell her the truth, you don't want an animal killer in your home. She shouldn't even be asking this of you.