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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what would you do in this situation?

179 replies

WaywardOn3 · 10/09/2014 11:45

My Dsis and her family are going to be homeless for a few weeks - month while their new house is being sorted. So said they could stay with us, problem solved. Until they announced that her dsc would be staying as well for two of those weeks since their mums going on holiday.

That's where the problem lies I've never met them (dss 11 and dsd 8) but I've heard enough about her dss to not want him anywhere near my house.

He's been to our parents house when Dsis and her dc (dds 2 and 4) went to pick out a kitten, their first family pet. All four dc picked the kitten, dss snuck back into the room later and stamped the kitten to death 'accidentally' while playing with her. His sister lost her pet rabbit shortly after BIL split from their mum in a similar 'stomping accident'. He's shown no real signs of being overly aggressive with his siblings according to Dsis but she's understandably said no to the family having a pet in the near future.

We have a lot of pets and I really don't want to run the risk of him having another 'accident'. Dsis won't be able to watch him after school as they both work late so it'll be up to me. That's fine with her dc but not with the sdc.

I can't turn them away but can I tell her the sdc aren't welcome even though I know there's no family on BILs side who can have them (all live abroad) and their mum is insisting they stay with their dad.

They don't have the spare cash to stay in a travel lodge either since it's all being ploughed into their house

:-/

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 10/09/2014 12:08

Absolutely no way would I let them stay.

Woohoo - I'm sure you'd understand the reasoning if one of your children had a habit of stamping animals to death.

It's ok not to treat all people the same in these circumstances.

Hoppinggreen · 10/09/2014 12:08

Putting aside any issues the step children may have I don't think it's reasonable for your dsis to expect you to have them staying with you anyway.
She could politely ask but not expect it - it's very good of you to put them up at all

ChasedByBees · 10/09/2014 12:08

Their mum thinks he's just a normal boy with the issues that many dc have when their parents break up and with time he'll grow out of it?

NOPE!

WooWooOwl · 10/09/2014 12:08

You could retract your invite giving the reason that there was a misunderstanding about how many of them would be staying. But, the ds's is his dads full responsibility for those weeks, and he will just have to find somewhere to stay where he can look after his children himself. I wouldn't want to look after this child either, but nor would I be willing to tell my sister she could stay but children that she shares some responsibility for are unwelcome.

GoringBit · 10/09/2014 12:09

YANBU.

They shouldn't be ploughing all their money into the house - they should have allowed for alternative accommodation costs. You've made a kind and generous offer that's now being abused - unfortunately I don't see any way you can not avoid a difficult conversation.

externalwallinsulation · 10/09/2014 12:09

That level of repeated violence to animals in a child over the age of 7 is a massive red flag. There is a link between such behaviour and later violence towards people. No way would I ever leave an animal or another child unsupervised with a child who showed those tendencies.

I am a bit shocked OP that you are not more concerned for your pets and for the wellbeing of your children also.

KEGirlOnFire · 10/09/2014 12:10

Absolutely no way, you will have to say no. I hope the conversation with your Dsis goes OK. Surprised she asked though to be honest, considering the number of pets you have (and you're all clearly animal lovers) and considering his history... Hmm

Good luck!

Original poster
WaywardOn3 · 10/09/2014 12:11

She's not going to be happy but I wouldn't have offered if I'd known he'd be coming.

When she asked if herself, BIL and the children could stay I assumed it would just be their joint dc like all the other times they've stayed :-S

OP posts:
Boysandme · 10/09/2014 12:12

Can they put off the work to the house for a couple of weeks so dsc can stay with them at their house. Then when dsc go home, work starts and they come to stay with you (minus dsc)?

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 10/09/2014 12:13

You honestly honestly don't have to have any of them to stay and especially not the stepson. Others not having the space isn't your problem, none of it is your problem and it's wrong of them to make it into your problem

Having a whole family to stay for a month is a big deal, you were great to offer. They have pissed all over that by announcing that you had to have two extra people as well, one of whom is a danger to your pets. They need to be the ones figuring out what to do not you

Boysandme · 10/09/2014 12:14

They need to be the ones figuring out what to do not you

yy to this.

emsyj · 10/09/2014 12:14

There have been plenty of studies into the links between violence towards animals (and specifically violence towards animals in childhood) and later violence towards people. I think you owe it to your sister to point her in the direction of some research about this. It is serious. I know it's not your responsibility, but do it anyway. I am not an expert and have no particular knowledge about the issue, but even a quick google will send you to some information, e.g. www.humanesociety.org/issues/abuse_neglect/qa/cruelty_violence_connection_faq.html

Only1scoop · 10/09/2014 12:15

Yanbu to ask
Also yanbu to say no way are they staying.

If these stories are true it's extremely worrying.
Angry At hurting the pets.

monsterfaery · 10/09/2014 12:15

I would suggest to them that for the short time BIL has his children he takes them on a holiday / rents a caravan locally if they need to be at school while your Dsis and DC's stay at yours. I would be honest about your reasons for not being happy about the DSC's staying.

eddielizzard · 10/09/2014 12:16

you can't have them. tell them the whole truth too. you can't risk your family and this is not normal behaviour.

you are also not responsible for their very significant shortsightedness. what did they think would happen? they'll have to find a short term let and it's tough shit that they have no money. they had plenty when they bought their house didn't they? bad planning and tiny dose of greed in my book.

financialwizard · 10/09/2014 12:23

I wouldn't have him to stay either and I am really weak when it comes to putting my foot down.

Massive red flag with him killing the pets. It needs addressing by health care professionals ASAP.

helenenemo · 10/09/2014 12:26

Absolutely no way I'd let him stay. You don't "accidentally" stamp a kitten to death.

ILovedYouYesterday · 10/09/2014 12:34

It's your sister and DP who are being totally unreasonable here.

They've decided they can't risk having another pet but are expecting your animals to take their chances with him around! How can you possibly supervise him constantly around all of them?

It was really unfair anyway to just announce you'd be having two extra children for a fortnight (and expect you to be unpaid childminder??!!) but this is not just not on.

Be honest and tell them why you can not have him to stay and then it's up to them to sort it - and figure out childcare!

Chelvis · 10/09/2014 12:35

Yet another voice here saying 'no'! One might be an accident/recklessness, but twice - no chance.
A relative of mine was in a relationship with a man whose DD was a very troubled child and teen. The DD was gradually made friendless and unwelcome as the small animals in homes she visited were found dead shortly after she left. It escalated into cats 'mysteriously dying' near their home (hung or poisoned) and a schoolmate's horse being poisoned. At last the authorities paid attention to her parents'/teachers concerns when she attempted to poison her baby half-sibling. All before she was 14. It isn't dramatic to feel your pets and children are at risk from this child! Maybe someone saying he's not welcome will be a wake up call?

mommy2ash · 10/09/2014 12:36

if their mum is going on holidays could the dad not stay in their home with them.

unless you live in a mansion having six people to stay for a length of time is going to be very difficult. that is before you bring in the risk of one of them hurting your animals.

I would be very honest about it

Mandyandme · 10/09/2014 12:37

I would be putting him in some psychiatric clinic for the 2 weeks and sod what his mother says.

Otherwise I would be saying that you could not guarantee his safety if anything happened to anyone of your animals and you don't want to be put in the position of having to answer for his murder.

If his mum thinks his behaviour is normal then maybe she should be getting psychiatric help as well. Not going on holiday.

MarchEliza · 10/09/2014 12:37

From my understanding of the OP the child was 4 when he killed the kitten - not sure how old when the rabbit met the same fate.

That is very worrying and you would never forgive yourself if you had him to stay and something happened to one of your pets. Obviously he may have got over his 'killing living things' stage by now, but it's not something I'd be willing to gamble on - especially in a period of upheaval (which this will be for him).

OatcakeCravings · 10/09/2014 12:37

Just say no and be honest about the reasons why. This might jolt his parents into doing something about this behaviour which would be a good thing!

gamerchick · 10/09/2014 12:38

I was just going to suggest that... He can look after those kids in their own home if their mother is going away.

OTheHugeManatee · 10/09/2014 12:39

I would tell your sister why he's not welcome. You don't have to be unkind but be factual and upfront: you have a lot of pets, in two separate incidents this boy has stamped animals to death, and you simply won't take the risk so sorry, he's going to need to stay somewhere else.