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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what would you do in this situation?

179 replies

WaywardOn3 · 10/09/2014 11:45

My Dsis and her family are going to be homeless for a few weeks - month while their new house is being sorted. So said they could stay with us, problem solved. Until they announced that her dsc would be staying as well for two of those weeks since their mums going on holiday.

That's where the problem lies I've never met them (dss 11 and dsd 8) but I've heard enough about her dss to not want him anywhere near my house.

He's been to our parents house when Dsis and her dc (dds 2 and 4) went to pick out a kitten, their first family pet. All four dc picked the kitten, dss snuck back into the room later and stamped the kitten to death 'accidentally' while playing with her. His sister lost her pet rabbit shortly after BIL split from their mum in a similar 'stomping accident'. He's shown no real signs of being overly aggressive with his siblings according to Dsis but she's understandably said no to the family having a pet in the near future.

We have a lot of pets and I really don't want to run the risk of him having another 'accident'. Dsis won't be able to watch him after school as they both work late so it'll be up to me. That's fine with her dc but not with the sdc.

I can't turn them away but can I tell her the sdc aren't welcome even though I know there's no family on BILs side who can have them (all live abroad) and their mum is insisting they stay with their dad.

They don't have the spare cash to stay in a travel lodge either since it's all being ploughed into their house

:-/

OP posts:
OatcakeCravings · 10/09/2014 12:40

Oh, just noticed that the child was 4 when this happened and is now 11. If there has been no other behaviours of this sort in the intervening years then this would change my mind somewhat, I'd not be so worried about my pets and only my sanity with that many house guests!

snice · 10/09/2014 12:42

I'm afraid I wouldn't have him in the house let alone staying. It's not your problem to solve where they all stay.

ProudAS · 10/09/2014 12:43

Could your BIL stay with his DCs at their house whilst his ex is away. Even if a repeat is unlikely things could get pretty crowded with them at yours.

specialsubject · 10/09/2014 12:43

no way. That child needs urgent help before he graduates to injuring humans.

coffeeinbed · 10/09/2014 12:44

No, I think the other DCs were 2 and 4 when it happened.

I would think he needs special help.

MehsMum · 10/09/2014 12:44

MarchEliza, I think he was older than 4 - the OP's DN's were 2 and 4 at the time the kitten met its 'accidental' fate.

OP, I think you are well within your rights to tell your DSis that you don't want her DSS in your house, and also, as a pp suggested, to point her at some of the research about cruelty by children and likely ongoing issues. I think that boy needs help...

MehsMum · 10/09/2014 12:44

coffee sorry, xpost

AlexVause82 · 10/09/2014 12:44

If the mum is going on holiday, can they not stay at the mums house for the 2 weeks? Sorry if this has already been answered, being lazy

allmycats · 10/09/2014 12:51

Just tell them the truth - there is no way I would have the boy in my house.
They should have kept something back to pay for alternative accomodation, it is not your problem that they say they can't afford some
where else to stay.

PinkSparklyElephant · 10/09/2014 12:51

He wouldn't be welcome in my house for 2 seconds let alone 2 weeks and I would be completely honest and tell them the reason.

And my animals certainly wouldn't be going to kennels / cattery to accomodate him either - why should they have to go through the stress?

I agree with the posters who said that he needs help, there is definitely something wrong with a child who stamps on kittens and rabbits Angry

backbystealth · 10/09/2014 12:53

I'm shocked posters have called a clearly extremely troubled child 'vile'. Hurting animals can be a strong indciator that he's suffered abuse or witnessed it.

However if you don't want him to stay with you - and I totally understand even those these incidents happened years ago - then you really, really need to put your foot down.

It helps that she didn't tell you the kids where coming to so you said yes when you didn't know the full picture so are not even retracting what you believed you were offering.

YANBU

Mandyandme · 10/09/2014 12:55

Or you could call social services, his mother has gone on holiday and his dad is homeless. They would have to take him.

I think the op's sisters biological children are 2 and 4 not that the boy had killed a kitten at 4. By what the op has written I would say the boy was about 6 or 7 when he killed the kitten , and it was not the last thing he killed. Who is to say he is not torturing and killing wildlife. His mother seems pretty clueless.

I have kittens at the moment and although not quite old enough for rehoming you would have to be deaf not to hear them squeal if you were to go anywhere near them with your feet. You cannot accidentally stamp a kitten to death.

OnlyLovers · 10/09/2014 12:56

The child needs help.

But that's not your problem or the point of the thread for now. Just tell her no and tell her why. I know you want to help and you're very kind to and they're family etc etc, but there are limits.

PumpkinsMummy · 10/09/2014 12:56

No way would that child be coming to stay with me. It would be a no on the grounds of cheekiness even before taking into account his background. Troubled or not, my animals would not be put at risk in their own home as a favour to someone else, and no way would they be going into kennels to accommodate a child with a penchant for stomping things to death.

OTheHugeManatee · 10/09/2014 12:56

He may well be troubled or a victim of abuse himself. But he's over the age of criminal responsibility and stamping little animals to death is vile.

vdbfamily · 10/09/2014 12:57

what about agreeing to them coming providing Dsis supervises at all times.She will have to work shorter days topick up from school and keep an eye on etc.

LavaDragonflies · 10/09/2014 12:58

Was it your sister's step children or biological children that killed the kitten? I would say no to having the children responsible in the house and be very apologetic to your sister. They need to find a solution that doesn't risk problems in your immediately family.

LavaDragonflies · 10/09/2014 13:00

Shock at the suggestion of staying at the Mum's house - it's logical but what woman is going to want her ex-husband's new wife staying at her house?!
I suppose the BIL could stay there with his children and the sister with their mutual children but even so - still it's their problem to fix.

cheerears · 10/09/2014 13:05

Wayward
She's not going to be happy but I wouldn't have offered if I'd known he'd be coming

That is absolutley the crux of it and that is what you can and should say to her.

I feel for the little lad, he's obviously disturbed but I wouldn't have him around my children or animals if there was a chance he'd be unsupervised for a moment - especially if his mum thinks there is nothing wrong. Different matter entirely if he'd had some expert help.

NutcrackerFairy · 10/09/2014 13:09

I agree with what everyone else has already said re not OPs responsibility to sort out, don't have dsc to stay, etc, etc.

However I would just like to add that I think it's a bit off of the Mum to be swanning off on holiday when she presumably knows that her ex and his family will be 'homeless' at this time. Has the Mum ever met the OP and is she happy that her two children will be someone else's burden responsibility for this time?

It is really up to BIL and his ex-wife/partner to sort out imo, not the OP.

almamatters · 10/09/2014 13:11

I wouldn't being having it. I can't grasp why they think it's ok to not only live with you, but presume you will be their babysitter for the step children while they work late. IF you allowed him to stay (which I don't think you should) then his father should be taking that time off of work and not be letting this boy out of his sight.

It's worry that their answer has been to "not have any more pets" rather than get this boy some help. Stamping a kitten to death is truly horrific.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 10/09/2014 13:28

I actually think the Dad staying at his ex's might work a OK if they are on good terms. Their mum probably doesn't want them squashed in at yours OP. Then your DSis and her children could stay with you. Use space as the argument against them all staying if you don't fancy pointing out DSS's issues.

Trickydecision · 10/09/2014 13:30

He is a psychopath in the making. Don't go anywhere near him, ever.

BeyoncesCat · 10/09/2014 13:38

Is this fucking serious? It sent shivers down my spine! I wouldn't let him near me let alone small defenceless animal! Has he been to see someone about his issues? Very worrying HmmShock

8misskitty8 · 10/09/2014 13:38

Why on earth are this boys parents not getting him some sort of help which he clearly needs. Stomping animals to death is not normal behaviour, and can often progress to more troubling things. I assume both of the animal deaths were kept hush hush or there would have been some sort of intervention by SS or similar ?
Both of his parents need to take responsibility for this before it's too late.

I would not want him in my house and would be telling your sister exactly why. You agreed to her, her husband and her children staying only.
Why will you be watching all of the children at night ? What do your sis and husband do normally while at their own house. They are taking the piss there.