Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what would you do in this situation?

179 replies

WaywardOn3 · 10/09/2014 11:45

My Dsis and her family are going to be homeless for a few weeks - month while their new house is being sorted. So said they could stay with us, problem solved. Until they announced that her dsc would be staying as well for two of those weeks since their mums going on holiday.

That's where the problem lies I've never met them (dss 11 and dsd 8) but I've heard enough about her dss to not want him anywhere near my house.

He's been to our parents house when Dsis and her dc (dds 2 and 4) went to pick out a kitten, their first family pet. All four dc picked the kitten, dss snuck back into the room later and stamped the kitten to death 'accidentally' while playing with her. His sister lost her pet rabbit shortly after BIL split from their mum in a similar 'stomping accident'. He's shown no real signs of being overly aggressive with his siblings according to Dsis but she's understandably said no to the family having a pet in the near future.

We have a lot of pets and I really don't want to run the risk of him having another 'accident'. Dsis won't be able to watch him after school as they both work late so it'll be up to me. That's fine with her dc but not with the sdc.

I can't turn them away but can I tell her the sdc aren't welcome even though I know there's no family on BILs side who can have them (all live abroad) and their mum is insisting they stay with their dad.

They don't have the spare cash to stay in a travel lodge either since it's all being ploughed into their house

:-/

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 10/09/2014 18:14

Poor kid. His mum is too busy vacationing, and his dad is too busyhaving a new family and a new house, and nobody is fecking concerned that he is so disturbed that he has become an animal killer.

poolomoomon · 10/09/2014 18:19

Even taking the fact her DSS killed those poor poor animals out of the equation your DSis is taking the royal piss. You're expecting x amount of guests, you have room for x amount of guests, you've got used to the idea of having x amount of guests in your house for a whole month and the whole logistics of it. Then really soon before they're about to move in she just drops it on you that there will be two extra children staying and that you will have to care for them while she works!! He assumed that would be ok as well. Taking the piss.

Then you add in the fact the DSS is an animal killer and you have a lot of pets... They simply aren't guaranteed to be safe around him. You'll be constantly paranoid that he's going to harm them, be on edge all of the time. It wouldn't be pleasant. He clearly needs psychiatric help. Most serial killers do start off with animals, that is true. It's definitely very worrying and he needs immediate evaluation.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 10/09/2014 18:20

Well, no doubt his mother does need a break, he doesn't sound an easy child confused] but overwhelmingly it would be a no from me. I wouldn't be extending my house to an extra six persons, one with severe issues and then being expected to cover childcare.

I especially wouldn't be doing it if my relative had called me the cause of stress and maintained that I should have realized Oh no.

Like others have said, what was going to be the baby sitting plan if Dsis and her DP were still in their current home?

YouTheCat · 10/09/2014 18:22

Not much in this world shocks me but that OP has made me feel quite sick.

I don't care if he has Aspergers (and I say that as a parent of one with Aspergers and one at the very severe end of the autistic spectrum). That kid needs urgent help. And no way would I have him in my house.

Fubsy · 10/09/2014 18:25

Is the child's mother also taking the piss? Did she have the arrangement to go away before BIL arranged work on the house, is it a time he always has them, or is she just saying "I'm off, you look after them"?

ChelsyHandy · 10/09/2014 18:26

If you're going to make the decision to have pets yourself, you have to be prepared to safeguard those pets from harm. They only have you to rely on to do that. Any further "incidents" would also cause terrible emotional damage to your own children. It has to be a firm no.

WooWooOwl · 10/09/2014 18:26

He has a mother. If his father is unavoidably able to house him his mother needs to cancel or re-arrange her avoidable holiday to provide housing for their child.

He has a father as well, one who doesn't have to have a newly renovated house, and who has responsibility for his child for some of the month whether his mum goes on holiday or not anyway. New houses that need renovations are easily as avoidable as holidays. Ploughing so much money into your newly renovated house that you can't afford to rent or stay elsewhere is easily avoidable as well.

It is incredibly unfair to say the mother should sort out a problem that's not her doing.

phantomnamechanger · 10/09/2014 18:29

This boy needs help. Are the school aware of his issues? What support is he/the family getting. Meanwhile, however much I felt for them all, I would NOT want the stress of having extra kids moving in never mind one with such huge problems.

This reminds me of the stepfather of some children I taught, whose punishment to them for playing noisily when he was having a nap was to strangle their puppy in front of them.
Children like this can grow up into very dangerous disturbed adults if they do not get loads of help.

tiggytape · 10/09/2014 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mandyandme · 10/09/2014 18:40

Does his mother know her son has committed a criminal offence. That at 10 years old he could be prosecuted for animal cruelty for the offence of killing the kitten. He is of age to be responsible for his crimes. If his parents are ignoring his problems then they are also responsible for his crimes.

waithorse · 10/09/2014 18:42

They wouldn't be coming anyway near my animal's or children. He knew what he was doing at that age, when he killed those animals. He sounds in need of urgent help. BTW I've known lot's of children whose parents have split, none of them have ever stamped one animal to death, let alone two.

gobbynorthernbird · 10/09/2014 18:48

OP are you going to do anything to safeguard this child's siblings? Or get him the help he needs? I'm gobsmacked that so many adults know what has happened but they all seem to be doing fuck all about it.

Mandyandme · 10/09/2014 18:51

As long as everyone falls in with the plans for dsis and her dh and his ex then nothing will be done about this boy. Some one has to call in the experts on this lad before he does this to anything or anybody else. He is a bomb waiting to explode.

My personal opinion is that this lad is doing the same stuff to wild life. He is very very disturbed.

If he stamps a bunny to death at 4 and a stamps a kitten to death at 10 all because his parents got divorced. If he cannot handle this sort of thing without resorting to violence where he has to murder someone then what is he going to do the next time.

Remember next time it could be you, one of your children or us or one of our children under his foot the next time or he could just pick on the wrong person and he could be the one that ends up dead

Electriclaundryland · 10/09/2014 19:02

This is not your problem it is the problem of the dsc's parents. It will be an awkward conversion but remember they didn't find it too awkward to spring this on you did they? You didn't offer knowing dscs were in the mix so you're not going back on a promise.

GarlicSeptimus · 10/09/2014 19:04

nobody is fecking concerned that he is so disturbed that he has become an animal killer.

This times 1,000. They all seem terribly - umm, self absorbed.

AugustaGloop · 10/09/2014 19:04

I do not understand about the childcare. Who normally looks after the DSC when they are staying with their father on a work day, ie.. who wold be providing the after school childcare if the house was not being renovated? Or do they just look after themselves which would be surprising for an 8yo?

GarlicSeptimus · 10/09/2014 19:05

That's an upsetting story, phantom. Poor kids.

TouchOfNatural · 10/09/2014 19:05

I'm surprised there has been no referral made for him? He needs help!

He would not be allowed in my home - near my family or pets.

Original poster
WaywardOn3 · 10/09/2014 19:29

To be perfectly honest I have no idea what help he is or isn't getting as her sdc don't come up in conversation very often, if ever.

Think they have sdc one or two weekends a month, neither of them work weekends so no childcare needed.

Our dm is the person who told me about the kitten, sdd told her about the rabbit when they found the poor kitten. One of our cats was from that litter too :-(

OP posts:
DizzyKipper · 10/09/2014 20:02

Sorry but I in no way would be putting any of my pets at risks. I hope there's not too many hard feelings over this between you and your sister and her family, but really it is very important that you protect those animals - their little lives depend on you, they trust you, and it is up to you to protect them and ensure they're not put in any unnecessary danger. And I would be extremely Hmm about being told I was just being "dramatic" as well, in fact that would pretty much end all discussion and have them being told to fuck off for good measure.

YouTheCat · 10/09/2014 20:06

Wayward, are you going to say 'no' then? I really think you should. Just because he has gone for animals so far doesn't mean that will always be the case.

brainfidget · 10/09/2014 20:19

I so wish I hadn't read this post.

He would not get in my house, as we have pets - you need to tell them no, and why.

And there is definitely something wrong with that child. Violence as described is far from normal, and may well escalate and broaden in its "victim profile" if unchecked, over time.

AugustaGloop · 10/09/2014 20:19

So if they don't normally have them during the week, i do not understand how your sister would assume they were included in the invite and that you would take on exta childcare duties without specifically agreeing to this. Even without the animal stuff, your sister is taking the piss.

hmc · 10/09/2014 20:27

and a more scholarly source