Next door neighbour's kid - WWYD?

[Beavie]

Aaaargh! I'm in a tricky situation here. I moved into a HA house a few months ago, and I've never lived on an estate before so I'm really not sure how to deal with this.

I have 2 dds age 4 and 10. NDN's daughter is 8, we'll call her H. A while after we moved in, in late spring, H started coming around to play with dd2. Dd1 finds H extremely annoying and if H is here then dd1 just shuts herself in her room (to be fair, she does this quite a lot even if H isn't here...she loves reading and is happiest holed up with a book).

Our back gardens are tiny and for some reason both of my neighbours have gates going into my garden from theirs. So H has direct access into my garden, and my back door is usually open so she just turns up in our house.

For the first month or two, it wasn't an issue that H was here as she did a good job of entertaining dd2, who is really full on, and she very polite and well behaved. H's parents very rarely take her anywhere or do anything with her, and she tells me that before we lived here she would just always be in her room by herself. By contrast, I get out and about with the kids as much as possible, we do stuff like geocaching, swimming, lots of walks and dd2 is lucky enough to have a pony at my DM's place not far away so we spend a fair bit of time there. So I do feel sorry for H, and have taken her out with us quite a lot since we've known her.

The amount of time H spends here soon got out of hand though. Literally as soon as we got home, she would be here, or as soon as we woke up in the morning and I opened the back door for the dog, she'd appear. As she got to know us better, I began to see the more annoying parts of her personality. E.g. she lies, a LOT, stupid little things but it happens all the time. And instead of hanging out with dd2, she started trailing around after me all the time. Literally everywhere. I can't get a moment's peace from her. And she talks, and talks and talks, inane stuff, so a 5 minute sit down where I would plan to sit and check my emails etc, i now have H sitting right next to me wittering on. Even while I eat my dinner, she's there chattering away.

I am a LP, and my youngest dd doesn't see her dad so I have her all the time. I find it hard to get the emotional energy for my own dc, and now it really does feel like I have 3, not 2. I think H has also started to consider herself as part of the furniture here too, and gets jealous if I go somewhere without her, e.g. if we go to see the pony. I do sometimes put my foot down and just firmly tell her we are not taking her, but I find it difficult as she looks so disappointed, and then dd2 kicks off because she wants H to come too. And I can't really give her a good reason as to why She can't come, apart from the fact that she does my nut in and I just don't want her to!

I feel really sorry for H that her own parents do fuck all with her, and it's sad that a lot of her lies seem to be about stuff that she is going to do, e.g. She'll turn up in the morning and say that she is going swimming or bowling later, when I know that it's not true. It's like she has a fantasy existence. But at the same time, it drives me mad that I've become responsible for entertaining her. How do I handle this?

I do think Katie has a point. It's striking that H is the same age as DD1, and I wonder if DD1 might be starting to feel a bit 'replaced'?

I know H would rather be friends with DD1, but to DD1 it might not feel like that.

Anyway, as OP is going to do something about it, it's all going to end up ok.

There aren't really any other kids nearby...we are in a terrace of houses and the rest of the estate is mostly sheltered accommodation. So yeah it is a bit weird that an 8 year old wants to hang out with a 4 year old, but H is very young for her age in a lot of ways, e.g. the presents she got for her birthday were the kind of things I would consider too babyish for even dd2, but H was thrilled with them. I think also she is just so lonely that playing with a much younger child is preferable to being on her own.

With regards to why don't I just keep the back door locked all the time. It's nice to have some fresh air in the house and when the back door is open it lets a lot more light in. It would have been stifling in here over the summer with the door closed all the time. Obviously once the weather cools down it will be closed and locked all the time.

Today has been fine, H and her family went to visit relatives so it's been a nice day with just me and my girls.

But surely you aren't in bed having a lie in with the back door open letting air in?

You sound like a lovely,caring person.

"But surely you aren't in bed having a lie in with the back door open letting air in?"

Why not? I would. I suppose it depends where you live.

Why not? I would. I suppose it depends where you live.

I wouldn't, if the next door neighbour's child kept coming into my house, getting into my bed, asking me to take her out for the day and irritating my older child to the point that she just stayed in her room. If this annoyed me so much that I was posting on Mumsnet about it, I might consider shutting my back door.

Katie we have an 8 year old neighbour who wants to play with my 4yo DS. She is lonely and bored (older step siblings, and I don't think the children in the street who are slighly older than her like her). My 4yo thinks she is great.

If I let her she would also attach herself to us and to me. When she is here she ends up talking to me non stop.

Some really helpful advice for you OP on this thread. Hopefully you can keep being a positive influence on H's life while keeping appropriate boundaries. I think one of the best things you can show her is how to have a 'normal' relationship with someone who is not part of the family, as she clearly doesn't have that understanding now (and it makes her very vulnerable).

You do sound very warm and caring, and you've clearly had an awful time. I'm not surprised you want a safe haven and some time alone with your kids to regroup.

No real advice, but I hope you can get this resolved to everyone's (more or less) satisfaction. I do think H's parents have neatly exempted themselves from worrying about her, and you've had to take on that burden. It really isn't fair.

Hi OP, this thread has interested me as for years I've been in a very similar situation. The child hasn't been getting into my bed though, that really is overstepping boundaries!

One of my neighbours works full time as does her husband, they have to and I realise childcare is difficult. I work part-time, term time only while my dh is full time. Problem is, they rarely sort ANYTHING out for their 9 year old son. When one parent is at home he or she is normally working, so not really on hand for their son. Alternatively he's looked after by his two older sisters, 14 and 17. They're good with him but obviously have their own friends and interests, and are quite happy for him to entertain himself as much as possible

I admit over the years I've sometimes felt hounded. He's wanted our children's company pretty much constantly, we have a girl of 16 and boy of 11 btw. As they've got older they've been saying no to him more and his knocking on our door has gradually reduced from every day to about once a week, I got firmer with him too about when and when wasn't convenient, and he finally seems to have got the message.

Nice enough kid, but just very demanding! Always hungry, thirsty, bored, wants help setting up computer games, wants to sit with my teenage dd even when she has friends here and be involved in what they're doing, pesters ds to 'do' something with him and then moans he's bored, then hovers around me when I'm getting on with stuff.

A typical week, up until recently would be him being here about 3 nights after school until after 7 when his dinner's ready, even though we eat earlier. Also Saturday afternoons after his swimming lesson, and most of Sundays. Then if we're out or busy, it's been 'When are you back, how long until ds's friends go home, etc etc?'.

All this in addition to frequent texts from his mum asking me to have him on days she's working late, going out after work and her dh isn't back in time to have him, his sisters are too busy, etc etc, and it just got FAR too much!

I started sending polite, 'Sorry that doesn't work for us' texts to requests for childcare, although I used to help a lot when the kids were happier to have him in. I feel sorry for him, but they seem to have got the message and I see him out with another group of children now, more his age group.

It's hard OP, but I'd suggest being firm when you want your own time, and explaining to your children that this child can only come in when YOU say so.

I'm staggered that all you nice people out up with this.

I'd just like to remind anyone here making remarks about the OP "lolling around till 9.30" or leaving her back door open to let the air in, that it's the OP's house and she can do what she likes in it.
The mistake she has made is in not shooing the lass out again. But like she says, this is a situation that has slowly gathered momentum to become how it is now.

Our back door is open all the time for the same reason...it's not that weird.

You need to let the parents know that sending her over to yours/letting her come over so often is not acceptable anymore. If it were me, and I found that the parents were not at home at all (working, partying etc), and were encouraging H to do that without asking me first, I'd be so livid she would not be welcome over again at all. They have to orgaize care/sitter, not reoy on the neighbours! If the parents are around though and she's just a kid who doesn't sense boundaries I'd pop over to hers to have a word.

We live on an estate and I can see how, if you haven't been in this situation before, you might end up with a child round your house constantly. The only reason we don't have children in our house constantly is that I police the front door- my eldest is like yours and wants time on her own. Children knock a lot and call all the time, mostly they are lovely, but it can get too much.

My only advice is take advantage of the colder weather (although it is nice now) to shut your back door and then ask the girl to knock to see if you are free. I also agree-pop over to the parents and explain how your course is starting and you will be free much less.

Also, I suspect you are a lovely person who has had a hard time, and so when this girl starts up with 'please let me stay, please' you feel too bad to stand firm/ But you must. It is your home and it is your dd's home, and one or two visits a week would be lovely, but all day everyday is awful for everyone.

This can be put right but you need to shut the door (don't care about if you like it draughty, open a window) for a bit to re-establish your actual house boundaries (your home, your door, needs knocking on) and you can go from there.

Come on OP bite the bullet! Have that chat with the mum and come back on here to tell us how it went. My bet is you will feel powerful and strong and having done it will put a spring in your step.

I agree Olivia. Do it OP. You'll feel brilliant.

Our back door is open all the time for the same reason...it's not that weird.

But the OP is on here complaining that the neighbour is always in her house! Surely shutting your door is the first step in preventing this?!

I read the remark someone made about being in bed at 9.30am with the back door as implying criticism, as if the OP was some sort of lazy trollop who should have been up scrubbing her floors and showing flash cards to her 4yr old for reading improvement.

Of course that's not the best idea at the moment if this child is viewing her house as a second home.

I read the remark someone made about being in bed at 9.30am with the back door as implying criticism,

No, I just couldn't imagine being in bed and my house not secure downstairs.

And I live on a tiny estate in a quiet village.

Sorry for the late appearance today...I've only just got up .

Just to reassert my position on my 'lie-ins', I'd just like to point out that that over the last year I completed an access course with 42/60 credits gained at distinction, despite suffering a miscarriage last October, 6 months of illness following the miscarriage, an emergency house move in November, my relationship of 2.5 years breaking down in April, and at least half a dozen very stressful court hearings over the year. I also run a business from home, as I have done for the last 9 years, and I am a lone parent of two kids (the younger of whom is extremely full on and has no contact with her father at all and I have no supportive family or friends nearby). I am about to embark on a full time (5 full days at uni) degree. So if I fancy 20 minutes to myself when I wake up to faff around on my ipad during the summer holidays whilst the dc are happy watching the tv or whatever, I don't think that is necessarily a hanging offence.

I am definitely going to take action regarding H. She is fine in small doses, so for the next couple of weeks until uni I am going to say to her and dd2 when she comes over that it can only be for, say, an hour, as dd2 is tired from school (just started reception), and we need to have a chilled out evening. The thing is, the times I have actually had to tell her to go home, she has been fine about it, she doesn't try to argue that she can stay, but what I have struggled with is finding legitimate reasons as to why, when the only reason is that she is driving me nuts and I want her to bugger off. Now, with dd2 at school that will be a lot easier. After those couple of weeks when my degree has started, things will be easier again as I will hardly be here. At appropriate point I will mention to H's mum why I cant have H over so much, but I think that's better done in a chatty conversational way rather than knocking on her door to make a grand announcement.

Fair dos...you sound like you've got it all sussed.
And you do not need to justify a lie in to us. Honestly, some folks here remind me of my granny, who was a miserable bisom that sniped about other women who weren't out scrubbing the doorstep at 7am. Pay no heed.

thanks Pictish. I will keep you all posted on developments as they happen.

You are asking for trouble Beavie.

Think about it, what if she starts talking about you?
Oh yes I'm there all the time, I wash her car, I clean and I get into bed with her.

She's often in her nightwear/ underwear.
No she's not insured to bring me riding.
No, she's not paying tax on the childminding money my mum gives her- this could be said - it's your word against hers.

Just say no it doesn't suit, you'll have to go to your own house now. And stop talking. Stop making arrangements, and stop letting her in.

Get another friend for your Dds. Your life as a family is suffering.

I know it's difficult to find your feet after a horrible split up, but you are not being responsible as a parent to your girls, one of whom hates H.

Why are you putting h before your own girl?

And why are you putting yourself at risk of a very nasty law suit, if anything happened to H in your care, or visit from the SS who want to know why she's doing your cleaning and why she's in your bed!!

FFS grow a pair and turf her out. She's not your dd and you have two who are going to have memories of you putting a stranger before their needs!

Oh good Xposts, glad you to it sorted. Be strong!

Don't think anyone was criticising the lie-ins, heavens, we all need those! It was doing it with the back door wide open so the annoying neighbour could walk right in! If this is a problem-open the upstairs windows to let air in just to break the pattern!

I keep our back now open also when I go back up to bed,even when we go out!!