Next door neighbour's kid - WWYD?

[Beavie]

Aaaargh! I'm in a tricky situation here. I moved into a HA house a few months ago, and I've never lived on an estate before so I'm really not sure how to deal with this.

I have 2 dds age 4 and 10. NDN's daughter is 8, we'll call her H. A while after we moved in, in late spring, H started coming around to play with dd2. Dd1 finds H extremely annoying and if H is here then dd1 just shuts herself in her room (to be fair, she does this quite a lot even if H isn't here...she loves reading and is happiest holed up with a book).

Our back gardens are tiny and for some reason both of my neighbours have gates going into my garden from theirs. So H has direct access into my garden, and my back door is usually open so she just turns up in our house.

For the first month or two, it wasn't an issue that H was here as she did a good job of entertaining dd2, who is really full on, and she very polite and well behaved. H's parents very rarely take her anywhere or do anything with her, and she tells me that before we lived here she would just always be in her room by herself. By contrast, I get out and about with the kids as much as possible, we do stuff like geocaching, swimming, lots of walks and dd2 is lucky enough to have a pony at my DM's place not far away so we spend a fair bit of time there. So I do feel sorry for H, and have taken her out with us quite a lot since we've known her.

The amount of time H spends here soon got out of hand though. Literally as soon as we got home, she would be here, or as soon as we woke up in the morning and I opened the back door for the dog, she'd appear. As she got to know us better, I began to see the more annoying parts of her personality. E.g. she lies, a LOT, stupid little things but it happens all the time. And instead of hanging out with dd2, she started trailing around after me all the time. Literally everywhere. I can't get a moment's peace from her. And she talks, and talks and talks, inane stuff, so a 5 minute sit down where I would plan to sit and check my emails etc, i now have H sitting right next to me wittering on. Even while I eat my dinner, she's there chattering away.

I am a LP, and my youngest dd doesn't see her dad so I have her all the time. I find it hard to get the emotional energy for my own dc, and now it really does feel like I have 3, not 2. I think H has also started to consider herself as part of the furniture here too, and gets jealous if I go somewhere without her, e.g. if we go to see the pony. I do sometimes put my foot down and just firmly tell her we are not taking her, but I find it difficult as she looks so disappointed, and then dd2 kicks off because she wants H to come too. And I can't really give her a good reason as to why She can't come, apart from the fact that she does my nut in and I just don't want her to!

I feel really sorry for H that her own parents do fuck all with her, and it's sad that a lot of her lies seem to be about stuff that she is going to do, e.g. She'll turn up in the morning and say that she is going swimming or bowling later, when I know that it's not true. It's like she has a fantasy existence. But at the same time, it drives me mad that I've become responsible for entertaining her. How do I handle this?

I don't understand why you find it so hard to say no. You really don't have to be mean about it.

Sparkly. Don't you worry that you are setting a bad example to your DC. Your DC is being hurt but you are allowing it to continue. I know it's because you are trying to be kind to the NDN dc but it's not nice for your DC.

Invent a problem with the gate- it's wobbly or splinters and put a bolt on it.
This is essential
Go round and tell her and explain that although it's lovely to see her she must come round the front now and also now that schools back you won't be able to see her so much. Then sweeten it by asking her over for a set event in a couple of days time. Of she turns up before say I'm so sorry we're really busy, but you can still come over for XFactor can't you.
You have to be firm, it'll drive you spare otherwise now you're even busier.

Of course it is. I'm sure you have enough considerations and responsibilities without taking on your neighbour's child as a project as well.

I have been where you are when ds was small. Neighbouring children (siblings) kept coming round because their own parents left them to their own devices all the time. And just like with you, ds was younger than them, and they took to pestering taling to me. At first I was a bit like a rabbit in the headlights, not wanting to offend, and being too accommodating.
Eventually I grew to dread the wee rattle at the letterbox and the 'but why?" responses to no admittance. Also if I asked them to come back later, they would be back after 10 minutes.

As much as I could see they were neglected and starved of attention, they weren't my responsibility, and I grew to resent the intrusion on my daily life. I eventually had to get firm and less friendly. It wasn't a nice thing to have to do, but if I hadn't, they would have become a permanent feature in the house, like your wee visitor is.

I certainly didn't have the resources time-wise or emotionally to take them on as a consideration.

I feel very sorry for the little girl, it does not seem that the parents give her much attention, but you are not her parent, nor is she your responsibility. If you don't want her round, send her back and say come at 5pm We'd for tea, or Sat 10am to play, then send her back when it's lunch. Set boundaries!

sparkly if you can't be assertive lets hope it blows up soon, because you're really letting you son down.

Noway this is why I'm always outside when ndn dc is out too. I just can't leave him. It's got to the point where I actively avoid going in my own garden.

Now summer's coming to an end it won't be so bad but if it continues I will be saying something to ndn, I'll just have to live with the fallout, it's not fair to my DS to not be able to play in his own garden (or to me!).

It's horrible isn't it sparklypants? At least H isn't mean to my dc, although I may see more of dd1 if she wasn't around. Over the summer holidays I ended up spending half of it away from home, largely to get away from H, and we had far more days out etc than I would otherwise have had, which was a good thing as my kids had a really good summer!

Now at I find it hard because she is constantly saying things like "I was so bored before you lived here" and "I really miss you when you go out". She is only 8 and clearly has a crappy life. I know it's not my problem but it doesn't mean that I don't feel bad.

but I can't commit to taking her to any activities as I won't be home until 6pm most days soon

I didn't mean for you to take her, but to perhaps get the ball rolling.

Someone at the group may be able to take her?

or approach group, and if child seems keen, get group person to approach the mother, and I would say to the mother, H has expressed interesting in this group, I would love to take YOUR CHILD but unfortunalty I am working soon, however GROUP LEADER will be in contact with you soon.

I dont know, be a link in their chain.

maybe you would embarras the mother into taking her somewhere AND if the mother realises YOU wont be there to baby sit soon, its in HER interest to get her out too....

Tbh I think once a week for an hour when you already have kids to entertain isn't that difficult to commit to for ndn who hasn't got such a loving family-it takes a village to raise a child etc. although I acknowledge that nobody should ever feel obliged to do so.

However, it shouldn't be a one way street with the childcare-how about talking to the parents & telling them it's a joy to spend time with their dd as she's so pleasant but due to change in circumstances she can't ome over as much as you now have additional commitments. You may even find you can do an exchange-have her over for an hour on a Wednesday or whatever & maybe suggest your dd goes with ndn & parents for an hour another time, e.g. When they're out walking the dog. Gentle persuasion may work wonders & if not, you're no worse off, but at least her parents are aware what's happening & have the opportunity to make the transition less depressing for their dd. sounds like a but if a guilt trip may help. My house is always a tip but my children are happy, not sure if their cleanliness is allowing other parental duties to slide. Trying to be friendly won't hurt although the fact that they sound like they haven't touched base with you since saying send her home if she's a bother is worrying. As she's a compulsive liar, she could be saying that you Really want her there all the time or something to her folks. Just a thought.....

I wouldn't suggest her coming on a wednesday because you get home early, your one day home early and you're going to have to entertain her?

I wouldn't make any arrangements, if there are days when you don't might her coming to see the horse, ask her on the day.
You'll just end up resenting a regular arrangement.

seriously I know. This is why we've been avoiding our own garden for most of the summer! Things will be changing because as I said, it's not fair to my DS. We've been spending a lot of time in local parks and such like but sometimes I just want to chill in the garden with my DS.

Just out of interest, how do you tell a 3 yr old to leave you alone if they won't take no for an answer and continues to hang over the fence shouting and crying to come over? Ndn can also hear this but does nothing. I think she thinks it's sweet that her dc wants to play.

Pictish, that's exactly how I feel. And I find myself being quite snappy and curt with H sometimes just because I need some head space and the only peace I get is when I go to the toilet, and then she hovers outside the door a lot of the time.

Despite that, she still seems to prefer my company to that of her parents!

OP you shouldn't have to feel obliged to take this girl every Wednesday, the one day you're home early, because you feel bad!

I realise that clearly she's lonely, but if you want and need to have some quality family time, that's what should be your priority.

Bornfree - with the utmost respect, as I can see you are jolly kind, can I just say...that's a long shot isn't it? It's a lot of schmoozing, arranging, manipulating and interfering to do. And if you don't mind me saying so, I think it would only result in OP being in even deeper.

It's a queer thing being effectively stalked/harassed by a child. Very discomfiting indeed.

See...all these suggestions of taking her to activities, helping her to discover new interests and inviting her to a tea party....they're all kind hearted and well intentioned...but really...who has the time or the inclination really? As in really.

I cant tell if your being sarcastic or not, because this ^ just sounds so utterly horrid and nasty.

Really, the op is finding it hard to manage this little girl and part of the reason is because she is a nice little girl, who is desperately craving love.

If she helps the girl get into reading, or anything like that, she , the OP that is, will be helping herself.

You'll be kinder and smilier I should think.

bornfree - have you ever been through this? Do you have an unchecked neighbouring child as a persistent and frequent visitor?

Evelynj, yes she does lie in exactly that way. The other night we were about to go for a walk and H said "I suppose I'll go home when you go for a walk" to which I replied "OK". The next thing her mum is out in the garden saying "H says you want her to for a walk with you!"

I wouldn't suggest her coming on a wednesday because you get home early, your one day home early and you're going to have to entertain her?

Exactly what I was thinking. The one evening you get home early, I am sure you might like to relax and enjoy a bit of downtime.
It's nice to be nice, but she isn't your responsibility. You certainly won't have the energy to have her around once school/ college etc is in full swing. I wouldn't get into anything regular. The parents are taking the p1ss, allowing her free rein to be in your house so much, as it is. Use the winter nights etc to start to cut down the time.

Pictish, stalking is the word! As soon as I pull up outside in my car, she is hanging out of her bedroom window saying "where have YOU been?" In a half jokey, half accusatory tone.

I would also question why H's mother doesn't reciprocate, it's presumptuous of her to keep pushing H onto you. I would cool it and do your own thing.

Bornfree, I could dig out some books that dd1 has grown out of but I don't think I would get very far as H is not very good at reading, and I think it's the interaction she craves more than anything.

It is sad but yes I need to use the winter as a way of changing things. I will be getting back late, getting my own dc fed and dd2 into bed, then guitar practice with dd1, so there's not going to be any time, genuinely for H.

It's a queer thing being effectively stalked/harassed by a child. Very discomfiting indeed

Op, I have had children neighbour issues too. Towards the end, if I saw they were home, I didnt drive in, and instead went to park until late, until I could keep DD in the house until it was HER bedtime.

My neighbours DC were horrid to my DD and very manipulative, they could see she was too desperate to play with them, so they would take the piss out of her, I saw the boy telling her to come to a hole in the fence where he then poked her face with a stick, he kicked a hole in our fence, once he got into our shed and threw all her toys out viciously, the girl took the piss out of her shoes and clothes. They would do things like get her to play with them, but then hold the toy in the air giving it to each other and not letting her have it, and taunting her.

My dd loved them though it was heart breaking. She couldnt see it.

My heart sank when I heard them in the garden, we would be eating and they would deliberately kick the ball into our garden then immediately call for DD to throw it back, if we said - do you mind we are eating wait, my dd would be wanting to throw it back, they would still whine and it was all very stressful.
I was never rude to them, I practiced avoidance until they moved on and I told their mother about the poking etc.

In the end until the moved they did impact on our life, when I came home, where we ate, I had to keep DD away from them.

So I guess in comparison ops H seems very sweet and harmless.

Alemci dd2 does sometimes go round there, but never for any more than a few minutes. I don't think she likes it there. And I'm not overjoyed about her being in a smoky house tbh.

Op there was another thread on this a while ago the op was the same as you i think lp but also had depression to boot.

the little girls mum there i think were smoking weed?

In the end there was a satisfactory ending maybe someone remembers it?