Next door neighbour's kid - WWYD?

[Beavie]

Aaaargh! I'm in a tricky situation here. I moved into a HA house a few months ago, and I've never lived on an estate before so I'm really not sure how to deal with this.

I have 2 dds age 4 and 10. NDN's daughter is 8, we'll call her H. A while after we moved in, in late spring, H started coming around to play with dd2. Dd1 finds H extremely annoying and if H is here then dd1 just shuts herself in her room (to be fair, she does this quite a lot even if H isn't here...she loves reading and is happiest holed up with a book).

Our back gardens are tiny and for some reason both of my neighbours have gates going into my garden from theirs. So H has direct access into my garden, and my back door is usually open so she just turns up in our house.

For the first month or two, it wasn't an issue that H was here as she did a good job of entertaining dd2, who is really full on, and she very polite and well behaved. H's parents very rarely take her anywhere or do anything with her, and she tells me that before we lived here she would just always be in her room by herself. By contrast, I get out and about with the kids as much as possible, we do stuff like geocaching, swimming, lots of walks and dd2 is lucky enough to have a pony at my DM's place not far away so we spend a fair bit of time there. So I do feel sorry for H, and have taken her out with us quite a lot since we've known her.

The amount of time H spends here soon got out of hand though. Literally as soon as we got home, she would be here, or as soon as we woke up in the morning and I opened the back door for the dog, she'd appear. As she got to know us better, I began to see the more annoying parts of her personality. E.g. she lies, a LOT, stupid little things but it happens all the time. And instead of hanging out with dd2, she started trailing around after me all the time. Literally everywhere. I can't get a moment's peace from her. And she talks, and talks and talks, inane stuff, so a 5 minute sit down where I would plan to sit and check my emails etc, i now have H sitting right next to me wittering on. Even while I eat my dinner, she's there chattering away.

I am a LP, and my youngest dd doesn't see her dad so I have her all the time. I find it hard to get the emotional energy for my own dc, and now it really does feel like I have 3, not 2. I think H has also started to consider herself as part of the furniture here too, and gets jealous if I go somewhere without her, e.g. if we go to see the pony. I do sometimes put my foot down and just firmly tell her we are not taking her, but I find it difficult as she looks so disappointed, and then dd2 kicks off because she wants H to come too. And I can't really give her a good reason as to why She can't come, apart from the fact that she does my nut in and I just don't want her to!

I feel really sorry for H that her own parents do fuck all with her, and it's sad that a lot of her lies seem to be about stuff that she is going to do, e.g. She'll turn up in the morning and say that she is going swimming or bowling later, when I know that it's not true. It's like she has a fantasy existence. But at the same time, it drives me mad that I've become responsible for entertaining her. How do I handle this?

yes I can see why you wouldn't but I couldn't bear not having privacy in my own home. you sound very kind and if your dc likes H but like you say more boundaries are needed.

On the phone, will be back soon!

Born I think that situation ended with the child practically being an extra dc to the op, the op sounded fairly upbeat about it all but it still didn't resolve the core issues - Crappy can't be arsed parents.

She'll turn up in the morning and say that she is going swimming or bowling later, when I know that it's not true. It's like she has a fantasy existence

I hope you can find the other thread op, or someone remembers it, a fantasy existence is what keeps some people going in really hard times.

OP, you sound lovely and have every right to feel the way you do.

This has reminded me of a situation I was in years go when my DD was small. Some children nearby would be left to their own devices all day and would constantly call for my DD who was too small to let out on her own. They gradually began to make life a misery - one stole our spare key and I came home one day to find her and her friends in my flat! I let it go because I felt sorry for the children as they had a difficult home life.

One day they were banging on the door and I just couldn't face it so we ignored the door expecting they would think we were out and go away. Two hours later they were still waiting at the door and DD and I climbed out the window so we could leave the house without being rumbled!

Now I can't believe I was that unassertive but it was a difficult situation. Once a child has taken a shine to you it feels awful to withdraw from them. Your degree is giving you the perfect opportunity to do this without making it personal. Good luck with your studies!

Similar thread

You sound lovely op! I had a similar situation last year when we 'adopted 'a lonely 13 yr old boy who lived down the road for the summer. It got to the point where I automatically set a fourth place at the table!

Tbh, I think the only way to fix this once and for all is to go around and see the people who are the cause of this situation - the parents - and discuss it properly (fix a time in advance). Make a note say over a fortnight of how often H is with you. Then tell them that although their dd is lovely, well-mannered etc etc you are a lone parent, about to embark on studies, your circumstances have changed and you can't now be responsible for their dd for so much of the time. Don't be apologetic - just calmly state the facts. Ask them to please stop her climbing over the fence.

Be blunt and tell them it is making you feel a bit uncomfortable and that you feel stretched with your responsibilities as it is. Tell them how many times your dd has called around and for how long: if they work shifts then they may not quite each realise quite how much she is with you. Thereafter, every time she appears, take H by the hand and deliver her back home. If the parents aren't there, wait on the doorstep with her. Repeat until they get the message.

Make sure the child gets the message that it is not her fault that she can't come around so much, tell her that you have really enjoyed her company over the summer, but that you are now going to start having to do a lot of homework.

Agree about fixing a one hour stint a week though for her to join you. Poor, poor girl

Once a child has taken a shine to you it feels awful to withdraw from them.
Absolutely. You end up doing things like climbing out of your window to get away, because you can't face being the person to make that child feel unwanted. It's just gut churning.

Yes, totally agree Pictish. I was a total coward when it happened to me. I didn't follow my own advice, not even remotely! The situation fortunately came to a natural end once school started. I was bracing myself for the same thing to happen this summer but boy in question was nowhere to be seen!

My DB and SIL had exactly this problem with their NDN's kids. (Hilariously, the NDN and mother of the stalker was a child psychiatrist.)

In a nutshell, they got more and more frustrated until it got to the stage where SIL stormed round and told the mother she couldn't just dump her kid on them any more. This was at 630 am when the little boy had turned up for breakfast, as I recall. They compromised on one afternoon a week.

SIL used a 'curtains open, curtains shut' signal to indicate when it was OK to try and come round at other times.

The NDN father came round to apologise; he said the NDN mum had form for sending their child out of the house and telling him not to come back.

Is this thread really about adults being afraid to stand up to children and lay down some rules?

How do you adults get through life when you have to assert yourselves to other adults if you can't do it with children?

OP (and the other similar posters) just SAY NO. No, you can't come in, no we are busy today. Close the door and lock it, walk away. Repeat as necessary. Practise saying it in front of a mirror if you need to.

"Hoping" they'll get the message as the days draw in and all that is a steaming pile of bullshit. They won't get the message because you're not sending any messages, or worse you're sending mixed messages.

Honestly...

I sympathise, I really do, but she's not your problem! I know that sounds unkind but her parents are taking the piss! I would never in a million allow my dc to bother/play at someone else's house for such extended hours because it's bloody rude!
To those who suggest "special time" activites.... Really!!..... You have time, engergy and inclination after a full day? It's easy to suggest, in reality I'd get a bigger gate.

Them pesky estate kids, eh.

Maybe move to leafy suburbia?

You are right notmyproblem but I (literally!) couldn't shut the front door in the face of a patently troubled and unhappy child (although I did ask him to come back later a few times!). I like to think we helped him when he needed it inconvenient though it was much of the time. Hwr, I had support of dh and only one, older child, so it wasn't half as stressful as the situation the op is in.

I wouldn't be too sure that H is lying about the walk - I suspect the mother may well be pushing her onto you...
I had a similar problem this summer - felt a bit like an unpaid childminder Neighbour's DC playing with mine - which was fine -kept them both entertained and mainly outside. But then nDC kept coming here - every day before 10am - and they never went to their house ...when they did they were back within minutes cos the mum was cleaning etc
Then one day I had to go out. Sent nDC home and they came back - their mum was out - had to take them with me and didn't have a phone no for her etc. So I made a point of saying sorry to her - hoped she wasn't worried etc and that nDC hadn't been due to go anywhere. A few days later she came round when nDC was here telling me she was popping out for an hour....was that ok? Luckily we then were away for a couple of weeks and when we came back it had stopped.

My DM said something similar happened to her - 30 yrs ago. She had 4 DC, inc twins. Another DC kept coming round in the holidays -everyday, all day like 9am till 5.30pm. We had a child friendly garden and we were really close with our immediate NDNs DCs (shared baths etc). DM felt a bit sorry for him - thought he was lonely. Then one day his mum said something about she would be dropping him off at 8am the next day - she had to go into work early ... my mum agreed but then said we wouldn't be around for the next week ...don't know what his mum did for free childcare after that...maybe found some other mug!
Thing is -it is hard - you want to do the right thing for the DC -it isn't their fault there parents aren't paying them attention etc - but then you do feel like you are having the piss taken out of you too..really difficult. But do think you have to just tell H that she can't just keep coming round...
And it isn't about standing up to a DC really - if their parents are behind it...

It's not as easy as saying "'no you can't come in", as the moment she knocks on the door (assuming she hasn't just let herself in), my dd2 is there like a shot and overjoyed to see her. To tell her to go away would mean H getting upset and dd2 going nuclear because she claims that H is her best friend.

Another thing that she does which is quite sad is trying to make herself indispensable around the house, she has washed my car for me, cleaned my bathroom, hoovered and mopped my floors etc. she is really keen to do these things (I've not got a clean gene in my body but maybe it's something she has got from her parents). I was cleaning the bathroom yesterday and she wanted to do it for me. I said no, as I was in a rare bathroom cleaning mood, and so she sat on the toilet and chattered away the whole time instead.

I was a coward about it to begin with. I actually had it going on for months before I bit the bullet and got direct. Too many disrupted meals, and early morning visits. Too many mouths to feed. Dh wasn't exactly delighted by the presence of two extra children either.
I gave them times to come round, but they were unable to process my need for boundaries, and just kept coming back asking if they could come in yet. It was very hard to refuse them.
In the end I had to though. I started chasing them off with a firm no. Felt shit at the time, but not for long.

I'm not an open door person. I see my home as my sanctuary, and hate unexpected visitors. If I want company or activities for myself or the kids, I go out to get it, or I arrange it here for a specific time with people of my choosing.
I can't handle being invaded.

Usualsuspectagain...i assume you are taking the piss, but I got rehoused here as an emergency due to an extremely dangerous and abusive ex who still poses a huge risk to me and my dc. I wasn't trying to come across as being a snob, but just pointing out that I have never lived on an estate before so not sure if this kind of thing is normal.

Kids coming round to play is normal. Well it is in my world.

Kids coming round to play is normal.
Kids coming round at every available opportunity and staying for prolonged periods, wanting me for company is a pain in the arse.

YY Pictish, that's exactly how I feel. I grew up in a very isolated place, where people would never just be passing and pop in, and lived in quite rural places ever since, so if visitors were coming I would be expecting them. I am quite a detached person and I need my own space, my kids have grown up knowing that is the case and are good at entertaining themselves to give me that space (not all the time obviously, we do loads of stuff together too). But H is really in my face and will literally trail around after me talking shite until I want to scream.

Must be because my kids grew up om an estate then.

Just this afternoon I had a houseful. Four of dd and ds2's mates for lunch and an afternoon's play.
I host kids in here frequently, but not on an ad hoc basis. I like to be able to wave people off cheerfully, and have my house back to myself again.

Stewedcoot Fri 05-Sep-14 22:28:0

good advice there, i would also speak to the mum.
is she alright, she seems very lonely, does she go to clubs, do you take her out, ask the mum in a bright and casually breezy way...

I guess I just pray should something ever happen to me and my DC end up like H for whatever reason, someone is kind to them.

I wouldnt expect anyone to adopt her, or go madly out of their way but if they did like my DD a little, to try something to ease the lonliness even it was a solution that didn't mean their actual involvement, or asking my DH, is your child ok, they seem lonely, may be the wake up call he would need to pull himself together....