Next door neighbour's kid - WWYD?

[Beavie]

Aaaargh! I'm in a tricky situation here. I moved into a HA house a few months ago, and I've never lived on an estate before so I'm really not sure how to deal with this.

I have 2 dds age 4 and 10. NDN's daughter is 8, we'll call her H. A while after we moved in, in late spring, H started coming around to play with dd2. Dd1 finds H extremely annoying and if H is here then dd1 just shuts herself in her room (to be fair, she does this quite a lot even if H isn't here...she loves reading and is happiest holed up with a book).

Our back gardens are tiny and for some reason both of my neighbours have gates going into my garden from theirs. So H has direct access into my garden, and my back door is usually open so she just turns up in our house.

For the first month or two, it wasn't an issue that H was here as she did a good job of entertaining dd2, who is really full on, and she very polite and well behaved. H's parents very rarely take her anywhere or do anything with her, and she tells me that before we lived here she would just always be in her room by herself. By contrast, I get out and about with the kids as much as possible, we do stuff like geocaching, swimming, lots of walks and dd2 is lucky enough to have a pony at my DM's place not far away so we spend a fair bit of time there. So I do feel sorry for H, and have taken her out with us quite a lot since we've known her.

The amount of time H spends here soon got out of hand though. Literally as soon as we got home, she would be here, or as soon as we woke up in the morning and I opened the back door for the dog, she'd appear. As she got to know us better, I began to see the more annoying parts of her personality. E.g. she lies, a LOT, stupid little things but it happens all the time. And instead of hanging out with dd2, she started trailing around after me all the time. Literally everywhere. I can't get a moment's peace from her. And she talks, and talks and talks, inane stuff, so a 5 minute sit down where I would plan to sit and check my emails etc, i now have H sitting right next to me wittering on. Even while I eat my dinner, she's there chattering away.

I am a LP, and my youngest dd doesn't see her dad so I have her all the time. I find it hard to get the emotional energy for my own dc, and now it really does feel like I have 3, not 2. I think H has also started to consider herself as part of the furniture here too, and gets jealous if I go somewhere without her, e.g. if we go to see the pony. I do sometimes put my foot down and just firmly tell her we are not taking her, but I find it difficult as she looks so disappointed, and then dd2 kicks off because she wants H to come too. And I can't really give her a good reason as to why She can't come, apart from the fact that she does my nut in and I just don't want her to!

I feel really sorry for H that her own parents do fuck all with her, and it's sad that a lot of her lies seem to be about stuff that she is going to do, e.g. She'll turn up in the morning and say that she is going swimming or bowling later, when I know that it's not true. It's like she has a fantasy existence. But at the same time, it drives me mad that I've become responsible for entertaining her. How do I handle this?

I haven't had my house to myself for years The shoes in the hall just get bigger and bigger.

Maybe if DS ever leaves home I might get some peace

Well...when I say house to myself, I really mean ourselves.
I am a very sociable person, outgoing and all that...I love spending time with people I like. But yeah...I like my safe place to be on standby because I need it. When I've had enough, I bolt the door.
I'm an outgoing introvert.
Persistent neighbouring children are a toil for me.

You do sound very much like me there Pictish! I love company but only when I'm in the mood for it. Sometimes I just want to spend time with my own dc, which doesn't seem unreasonable.

And like you say, H isn't coming over to play with my dc, really. She wants to hang out with me.

I never minded the kids friends coming round but first thing in the morning in the hols would be difficult being as I don't get up till lunchtime.

Sad sounding little girl though, she's obviously telling you about all the things she wishes she could do.
We used to take one child strawberry picking in the summer, lovely kid, lovely Mum, they just never did anything much.
She used to sleep in a tent in our garden with our lot too.
Difficult to say no though.

I think it would drive me crazy. Think you may have to be firm to limit her coming round. If dd1 doesn't like her it seems unfair that she is round all the time.

Child issue aside please don't lock the gate.

Monday morning telephone your ha and establish whether there is a right of way across your property, that could be why there are gates. All the suggestions of 'lock the gate'are week meaning but you cannot impede a right of way and if you do put a lock on there you would have to give the neighbors the key.

If there is no row in existence I'd remove both gates and fence.

Remove both gates and replace with a fence I mean, not remove the fence

I grew up on an estate. Some kids were in and out of each others' houses all day and night.
The rest of us were taught to knock and ask if kid was coming out to play.

I have a similar issue with my NDN's DS who used to round daily to ask my DS to play/come in to play. You have to be fairly brutal I think. It got to the point that he was hanging around on the pavement, waiting for us to come home. After a few weeks, I told him he could only come round twice a week otherwise he wasn't welcome at all.

My DS generally tells him to go away now but I really got pretty pissed off that this kid wasn't allowed to have my DS into his house but his parents were perfectly happy for him to be in my house for hours on end. I'm not a free afterschool club.

Get tough. You're the adult here and you need to give her boundaries because she doesn't have any. She's only 8.

Do you keep a tally?

That child has been round 3 times this week, I'm owed?

Wow usual. You're on form

No tally - I didn't need one. If a child is your house for 3 hours every afternoon and your child is not allowed to go back to theirs, you don't need a PhD in maths to figure out that the other parent is getting a better deal

Good god ususal, what is wrong with you. You like a big pile of shoes that gets bigger, good for you, but some people simply don't want other people's kids constantly in their house and showing up at all hours wanting to hang around all day.

Some don't mind it.

There's nothing wrong with either, but for those who would prefer their house not be perceived as having an open door policy, they aren't somehow less giving or sociable than you.

Forewarn this girl 'we will miss you when I start university' let her know there will be a lot less time together.
Which is true. You will need to study.
Then answer the door, exit the car, etc. saying 'I have to do stuff for university' let her know you care but are busy.
She will get the message eventually.
To those saying get her into reading/clubs etc. this is a parents job, sad though it is, really nothing to do with OP.

some people simply don't want other people's kids constantly in their house and showing up at all hours wanting to hang around all day

Absolutely correct! And it's sod all to with estate kids, so there's no need for the chippiness about that either.
I just don't feel compelled to bloody foster the neighbour's children!

There are more than one ways to skin a cat and op should be sensitive as she has, established a relationship with this girl now and being respectful that as an adult, she has done this, she needs to disengage gently with this in mind.

this is a desperately lonely 8 year old child, there is no need at all to be nasty and bitch and cruel to her.

I really cant see how - when the op is already doing so much, it would be any skin off her nose, or any time consuming problem to say H, do you like to read, my DD is always with a book, its so exciting! look I have this book here, would you like to borrow it? you look like a girl who would love a good book....if you find any words hard ask your mummy for help.

really would saying that really really really be a huge hardship for op to say?

I have a ndn kid who comes round and knocks for me! Im 47, she's nine( going on thirty but thats another story)
My Dc have left home and for some reason me and her just get on-I talk to her in a grown up way and I think she likes it.
She loves to help with small tasks, which of couse leads to me giving her small treats, lolly,s biscuits etc, but this kid is non stop talking!!- So funny- I get to hear all about her parents and brothers and their family life, nothing startling- just her view on things is so funny. Shes lovely whith white blonde long hair but has a really deep rough voice-
It sometimes does get a bit to much when shes at my car door when I pull up asking what Im doing, where i been etc- she has got loads of friends nearby but for some reason likes to spend time with me- My own kids dont unless they want something- , my DSD doesnt speak ro me hardly so I find this child a breath of fresh air!

You think giving her a book to read will make her go away?

"H, do you like to read, my DD is always with a book, its so exciting! look I have this book here, would you like to borrow it? you look like a girl who would love a good book....if you find any words hard ask your mummy for help."

"Oh right. Can I help you hang out the washing?"

And then?

And fgs...who here is advocating being nasty, cruel and a bitch?

For goodness sake - the child has mopped your floors, cleaned your car, hovered etc and you really can't see how you are sending mixed messages?

My garden constantly has kids in & out because it's the garden - unless I'm in there, then it becomes "go somewhere else and play, I'm in the garden"; my house has kids in when I say it's ok - they ask "can such and such come in?", I say "no" or "yes" depending on whether I can be arsed having kids in.

She is 8 years old - just because her parents are not constantly taking her to organised activities on a continual basis, does not make them 'crappy parents' - H is nothing more than an only child who sees other kids and wants to play with them - the reason she seems to stalk you so much is probably due to her being an only child and more used to adult company at home.

If you don't want her in your house all the time, just say "no, you can't come in today, sorry". Ineffectual vague flapping with drawn curtains and invented gate splinters is, frankly, ridiculous. Be the grown up to the child and just say 'no'.

• hoovered, not hovered, sorry!

Pictish - she is always trying to help me hang out the washing!

She is not an only child btw. She is her DM's fourth child and her DF's first. But only one of those other children live in the house, and he is 15, so a fair bit older than her.

I think if the child was bad-mannered and nasty, I would have no problem telling them to leave. But I would find it much harder if the kid was nice and tried to be helpful like this one. I've read other threads on mumsnet where posters have responded explaining that they were like that kid and what a lifeline it was for them to have that sanctuary. Could you limit H's visits to once or twice a week and try and explain that you need some quiet time to yourself (to think about your degree course etc) but that she can come and play with your younger DD? Or could you do some extra study while she entertains your younger DD? If there is the visual reminder there that you are otherwise engaged, it might help?

I still don't think the explanation/interaction should be between you and the child. It is not her fault. It is her parents' who need to change this situation.

Her mum did say at the start of it all to send her back around if she was being a nuisance; so she must have some idea of where the land lies. If you haven't sent the child back very often (not sure from your posts!) then maybe the mum has got the wrong idea that you are happy with the situation. I really sympathise op because I often give out the wrong signals out of politeness/not wanting to offend. YOu've been really kind, but now your situation has changed, you need to bring some clarity to the situation by talking directly to her parents.

(Obviously, you still need to make it plain to the child that it is your study getting in the way of playing with her, and that you still like her very much as a friend.)

That's the problem shardlakelover, she is really helpful and I know that her life is a lot better for spending time with us.

Today dd2 let her in, and she came and got in my bed with me. Dd2 told her that we were going out later to a place that H would love to go to. So H is dropping heavy hints about how she really wants to go there, her mum won't take her, and how lucky dd2 is for going there. I would just bloody take her, but I want dd1 to come too, and she won't want to if H is coming. And I would like to spend time with just my girls tbh. But I feel like a bitch, because I can't really tell her that the main reason I won't take her along is because dd1 won't go if she is.

Ah well that makes more sense. I was the youngest of four and I remember being on my own a lot of the time.