one child in state school one at private school...AIBU?

[NoonarAgain]

dd1 is at a small independent girls school (secondary). she had friendship problems in year 5 and 6 and was keen to make a fresh start rather than go with her class mates to the excellent local comprehensive. if we did not think that dd1 was especially suited to this school, by virtue of her personality and situation, then we would never have chosen this particular school, as we prefer the idea of co-ed state education.

dd1 is happy at the school, but tbh we have a few philosophical objections to her being there and sometimes wonder if we made the right choice.

now dd 2 is soon to start secondary and is very keen to go to the 'good with outstanding features' (very local )comp. she is a tomboy and does not wish to go to a single sex school or leave her friends. the comp is in a fairly affluent area, without the problems faced by inner city schools. so in all honesty, both schools offer a fairly privileged educational environment, in my view.

the problem is, many people that I chat to seem to think that it is unfair to send one child to private school. this, to me, is based on the assumption that one school is inferior- a view that I simply do not hold.

someone even suggested that I find an entirely different co-ed private school, when there is a fantastic state school on our doorstep, just so they can 'both go private'. that just seems bonkers to me!

AIBU to send dd2 to the comp or should I 'force' her to go to the private school for fear being perceived as unfair? WWYD?

It's really difficult because although I hear all your reasons,ultimately there is a LOT of money being spent on one child and not on the other.

Well, you could still send DD2 to the local comp, but put the money you would have spent on her school fees in a savings account and let her have that when she turns 18 or 21. That would even out the financial disparity.

I don't think there is anything inherently "wrong" with choosing whatever school/type of school suits each child's needs best. But that will not stop people commenting!

the problem is, many people that I chat to seem to think that it is unfair to send one child to private school.

None of their business. Both girls have chosen the school to which they wish to go,............everybody satisfied all round. Money has got NOTHING to do with it. You are doing your best for each of your girls.

why does that matter though? I thought any objection would be about giving one child an unfair advantage, which I do not feel we would be. it may sound bizarre but I do not think it is really about money.

I was thinking that, but I'm still not sure it's completely fair because I doubt dd1 fully understands the implications of her education being paid for privately. A big wodge of cash will probably be more appealing to an 18 year old.

I honestly don't know what I'd do. Unless dd2 wants to do an expensive-ish hobby - or if she doesn't, could you persuade her?

I see your point of view OP and it seems a bit daft to force DD2 to private school when she would be happy at the local state school. However you might want to consider whether DD2 might resent the fact that a lot has been spent on DD1 and not her. Teenage hormones can turn girls completely irrational and sometimes downright evil (i was the devil as a teen). It might not matter to DD2 now but in a few years she might throw it back at you.
If DD2 is set on the local state school then maybe put some money away for her for the future?

My brother went to a private school. I went to the state comp down the road. My parents were willing and able to send me private, but I resolutely said no. Best decision ever. No regrets (plus I came out with better results than my brother ).

If dd2 would be happier at the state school, send her.

sorry, my last post about whether it mattered, was for notac.

I said that to dh about putting money aside for dd2... but then thought that was wrong too. firstly because dd2 would then be financially worse off (really unfair) and secondly because paying dd1 implies that we would have have put her at a disadvantage, which we don't believe is true.

Well I know two sisters, the eldest went to a goog comp, the youngest was privately educated, basically because the family became more wealthy. Both went to very good universities; the eldest has a very good career, the youngest has a slightly better career.

The eldest is incredibly resentful (and in her fifties now).

Noonar, I think in general terms it doesn't matter, really - I mean if one child loves playing the guitar and has money spent on that and another doesn't, it makes no difference.

However, private school is such a LOT of money over five years, that I would find it very difficult to justify having spent it on one child and not the other. I attended a private school, my brother did not, and although at the time he seemed fine about it, it was years later all the resentment came out.

Parenting is never going to be a totally level playing field, but the magnitude of cash involved here is what makes me wince a bit - I just don't think I could do it.

Different schools suit different children. If money wasn't involved, would it be an issue? I mean, if there were 2 state schools and each suited one of your children in different ways, would there be an issue then?

If it's purely the money being spent which is an issue, then why don't you put aside the equivalent for your daughter in the state school.

You know, speaking from personal experience, I don't necessarily think DD2 would hold it against you personally when she's older if she went to state school while her DD1 went private. Children are different. My siblings and I experienced a mix of state and private according to our needs and personalities. I think if you're honest with her now and say you're happy to send her private if that is what she wants (but she doesn't) then she can never blame you further down the road. My DB and Dsis went private all the way but I didn't because I was fine in state for a while. I certainly don't think I was hard done by!!

ladyrabbit

I'm not sure the DD2 is really old enough to be held accountable like that, using her words as a disclaimer for the future. Maybe she likes her friends and wants to stay with them so will go to the state school.

OP, does your younger daughter know just how much a full private education costs? She may just be being led by her desire to stay with people that she knows and be in an environment that she feels comfortable in, unaware of how much you're spending on her sister.

now dd 2 is soon to start secondary and is very keen to go to the 'good with outstanding features' (very local )comp. she is a tomboy and does not wish to go to a single sex school or leave her friends. the comp is in a fairly affluent area, without the problems faced by inner city schools. so in all honesty, both schools offer a fairly privileged educational environment, in my view.

Having had DD1 in a school just like this (in fact it is now apparently outstanding) and moved her for sixth form I have realised what a shit education she got and how much the school relied on the affluent parents shoring up their results by paying for a lot of private tutoring, I am planning for DD2 to attend a private school for her secondary years. I have a feeling that your DD2 is going to be at a significant disadvantage.

I dont know why its even an issue unless dd2 want to go to the private school which you have said she doesnt, as long as she knows the option was there for her and she decided not to take it up I wouldnt bother about it as long as you feel the state school is as good too.
I also wouldnt be worrying about putting the fee money away for dd2 (unless you want to) but I wouldnt feel like I had to, to make it fair. There is bound to be something that dd2 wants in the future that will cost money that dd1 wont be getting, money spent on education is money that has to be paid like bills or mortgages,its not fun money like driving lessons or a new car, iykwim.

It isn't because you can access it without paying for it.

Whatever dd2 wants that dd1 doesn't want will have to cost around fifty thousand pounds, as that's what will have been spent on dd1s education - and that is a fairly conservative guess, I think.

This just sits uncomfortably with me if I am honest. I quite truthfully don't know what I would do. Like a previous poster, I feel dd2 is too young to have any objections in the future silenced with a "well, you didn't want to go anyway!" remark.

I also don't feel it's right to make her go. So I just don't have a clue!

Having had DD1 in a school just like this (in fact it is now apparently outstanding) and moved her for sixth form I have realised what a shit education she got and how much the school relied on the affluent parents shoring up their results by paying for a lot of private tutoring

My experience exactly. My comp was 'such a good school' NO! It had a very affluent catchment area and was full of the offspring of doctors and lawyers and uni lecturers etc. Loads of people ended up getting tutors to negate the effects of god awful teaching and leadership (or in the case of chemistry, no teaching).

wow, what a lot of interesting replies. and thanks for not flaming me, everyone.

maybe we could put the money away for dd2, but again I ask ...what are we compensating her for?

it is a good point about whether dd2 fully understands the possible future implications or having different kinds of education. dh made that point. but what real difference will it make? its a small indie, with relatively low fees, not a major public school. is the very marginal difference in GCSE average results enough of a 'difference' to worry about in terms of educational experience?

as she knows the option was there for her and she decided not to take it up

At 10/11 she isn't old enough to be taking responsibility for that decision. her wish to be with her friends is going to be far more important to her than pie-in-the-sky GCSE/A'Level results. She may not feel the same 7 years down the line.

I think if it is genuinely as you describe and this is DD2's choice then of course you are NBU to respect that and other people's views are irrelevant. My only concern would be if you were subtly trying to influence DD2 because of financial reasons or favouritism. I think putting aside an equivalent sum of money for DD2 is problematic for the reasons you outlined but then I can envisage it being thrown back at you at some point especially if money is tight and your whole family is making sacrifices so DD1 can have a private education. If you've got plenty and DD2 could change her mind at any point and transfer to the other school and if you can help her through Uni if she chooses to go then perhaps it will be a non issue.

Personally I think it's fine as you have given your younger one the choice and she knows the made her choice. Presumably you have ensured she has looked at all options, including a private mixed school ? I wouldn't discuss the cost with the kids.

I have done similar, on the basis of different kids, different needs. DD didn't like the look of the local private girls school and she loves the comp. I would be surprised if she were resentful in the end as she really loves her school.
What you may do is offer her private sixth form ( she probably won't want it, mine didn't, but I make it clear at 16 after the comp they could go anywhere, money wasn't an issue ).
What you must accept though is some people will be very opinionated on this - ignore them ! I've often been asked why I 'did that for one and not the others' as if money is everything. Truth is youngest is exceptionally clever /sporty and needed a wider curriculum but I don't feel I can say that either !

To me, that wouldn't the the issue noonar - I suppose thinking again, I want my children to be happy, and so I'd send them to school where I think they'd be happiest.

But I am afraid I DO think something needs to address the balance - as even a school with very low fees must be around £3000 a term? That averages out over five years at about forty five thousand pounds and that's a LOT of money to spend on one child and not the other - it's not like an ice lolly or something! :)

I wouldn't give her the cash but I do think something 'big' like driving lessons or an expensive sport needs doing, to just redress the balance a bit. It isn't about compensation but other than in the most extreme cases (one child needs a life saving operation and flying to America, for example!) I think money spent on kids should work out roughly even.

We had one that went to an independent and twin dds went to the (outstanding) local comp. It was best for all concerned. Ds flourished where he was, as did twins, it was discussed with them and the decisions were taken as a family.
Other than that, it's not up for discussion with the neighbourhood is it, anyone comments I'd be telling them to mind their own business.

I was state educated. my younger sibling was at private school from yr 6 - my sibling had SEN (I didn't), was very sporty (I'm not) and had some social/friendship issues (i didnt) and overall my parents felt my sibling needed the extra support. I was offered the chance to move at the same time and I declined. I was offered again for 6th form and declined again.

I do not hold it against my parents in any way. they picked the schools that best suited each of us. nothing to do with money, all to do with the needs of the child concerned.

my parents subsidise my sibling's rent now. I don't expect them to subsidise mine - we are not the same person and we require very different support. when I needed a bridging loan for deposit moving house my parents provided it - my sibling did not step up and say 'where's my £2k?'.

this is not about money in any way. it is about treating your child as individuals and doing right by each of them. adults seem to put a lot of stock by being 'fair' in monetary terms. for kids its about being 'fair' in practical terms - in this case both DC getting the school they want and fits their needs.

do what you know is right for each DC OP and don't feel guilty. they will understand as adults why you did what you did and will likely be grateful.