one child in state school one at private school...AIBU?

[NoonarAgain]

dd1 is at a small independent girls school (secondary). she had friendship problems in year 5 and 6 and was keen to make a fresh start rather than go with her class mates to the excellent local comprehensive. if we did not think that dd1 was especially suited to this school, by virtue of her personality and situation, then we would never have chosen this particular school, as we prefer the idea of co-ed state education.

dd1 is happy at the school, but tbh we have a few philosophical objections to her being there and sometimes wonder if we made the right choice.

now dd 2 is soon to start secondary and is very keen to go to the 'good with outstanding features' (very local )comp. she is a tomboy and does not wish to go to a single sex school or leave her friends. the comp is in a fairly affluent area, without the problems faced by inner city schools. so in all honesty, both schools offer a fairly privileged educational environment, in my view.

the problem is, many people that I chat to seem to think that it is unfair to send one child to private school. this, to me, is based on the assumption that one school is inferior- a view that I simply do not hold.

someone even suggested that I find an entirely different co-ed private school, when there is a fantastic state school on our doorstep, just so they can 'both go private'. that just seems bonkers to me!

AIBU to send dd2 to the comp or should I 'force' her to go to the private school for fear being perceived as unfair? WWYD?

Look at the results breakdown for the comp here: www.education.gov.uk/schools/performance/ - it splits out by high/medium/low achievers.

High achievers are those getting a Level 5 in KS2 SATS (approx 30% ??)

Guesstimate how selective the independent is - e.g. our local independent takes about the top 15% of the ability range.

You can then take a view as to what a child at the comp would be likely to get ...

You can also read headline results from the schools. e.g. our local comp boasts that x (equal to 15%) of their children got at least 10As in their GCSEs.

Apologies if this point gas already been made but, as I see it, the potential problem with putting the equivalent money aside for DD2 is that neither child has made this decision based on money - how can they at that age?
I'd be worried that by doing that the potential resentment might then go the other way - dd1 might resent dd2 being handed a large lump sum, essentially for nothing.

If dd2 does show signs of resentment down the line then surely the option of transferring to the private school can be offered then? Or assisting her more through uni to even things out?

thanks Shetland, I agree.

redsky, that's really useful. they had about 400 year 11 pupils at the comp last year, 40% were high attainers and 98% of them 5 a*-c passes. same as the indy!

We have three girls. The 8 year old goes to a special school (in effect 'private' quality -11 to a class with 4 staff. Bespoke curriculum tailored to her needs, even down to what she does in PE matching her OT needs). The 7 year old is Home Educated (tried and failed to thrive in two schools. Huge anxiety and fear. Getting further behind as weeks went by). The 5 year old is in a state primary (louvres being with lots of people. Huge appetite for learning by experience, etc.)

We tell our girls that fair is 'the right thing, for the right person, at the right time.'

Frankly, good with outstanding features means nothing in comparison with the ability to give your dd2 an education equal to that of your first daughter. Dd2 will be taught in larger classes with fewer and more limited resources. I could never afford to send either to independent schools, but if I could it would have to be both.

Your dd2 simply isn't old enough to understand the implications of her choice.

I went to a (then) very good comp. My baby brothers went yo private schools in the Middle East. I've done better so far (very independent from mid teens).

I went to a good private school whilst my elder siblings didn't - really only because I passed the entrance test.

One sibling didn't give a jot, the other had the hump. But my parents then put the one with the hump in the school I was going to for her sixth form. At which point she failed all her A levels. Then went to the local college. And eventually did career wise far better than I ever did or will.

But it probably was the right school for me because I was incredibly oversensitive and I would have coped very badly with some of the things my siblings had to deal with.

It's a bit of a minefield really. I'd just go with what they want or what you think is best for them. You can make it up in other ways if it's a case of not feeling you paid out equally. But I wouldn't let other people influence you in your decision.

At 10/11 she isn't old enough to be taking responsibility for that decision. her wish to be with her friends is going to be far more important to her than pie-in-the-sky GCSE/A'Level results. She may not feel the same 7 years down the line

I agree with this and think for the future you may be on very shakey ground, you may not, but your putting yourself in a position where you may be.

Being a tom boy is neither here nor there, many girls, like to do so called boy activities. She would find plenty of so called Tom Boys in indi school too.

Its just NOT a decision a small child can make.

I have one at state and one at private, DS was given the option to go to a private school but didn't want to, he was 8 but he wrote me a list of the reasons he thought his state school was better and made a good point so i let him choose, we've just looked at it again now he's in year 6 but he says he would prefer to go to the grammar but will look at private if he doesn't get in. I don't think its unfair at all but I do think it would be unfair to say to DS that he has to go to private because DD does or that DD can't because DS doesn't want to.

It would be unfair if you weren't offering DD2 the choice but if she knows she can choose to go to a private school if she wants to and the state option is good then its not unfair at all

Your dd2 is too young to make this decision most children where I live make their own choices about secondary school, or at very least have a say in the decision, parents give them some advice and guide them but secondary schools have open days just for the children (there are other open days for parents) and they send people in to talk to the year 6's.

sorry have only read the op

you are not being unreasonable, different kids suit different schools and vice versa. assuming both your dd's are happy then I cannot see what the problem is.

slightly different issue but my eldest cousin went to a state but very selective grammar school where he excelled, his younger brother was much more introverted and wanted to go to a local comp with his friends. he excelled and is now a vp for a huge Canadian insurance firm.

pick the school that your dd is happy with and best suits her and ignore the morons

A friend's parents did this. I think you are 100% doing the right thing. Different children have different needs, they will appreciate the thought behind this, rather than think that one was given more than the other.

What Liege said, but she put it more eloquently than me!

I also think many people here are underestimating quite how mature and sensible 11 year old girls can be. Yes guidance can be given for robe decision, but forcing an 11 year old to do something they don't want to doesn't sound like great parenting to me.

I haven't read all the comments but I went to a private school and my younger sister when to a (CofE) state school. We were both happy and I don't believe she feels any resentment. I wanted to take the entrance exam for a particular school and my parents were surprised I passed (I think). My sister was less academic than me (at that time) and didn't want to take the exam. I think if she'd been older I would have gone to the same school as her. We both had good educations.

It worked for us.

I should say I'd have felt a bit miffed if my sister had been written a massive cheque at 18. Now I can understand the sacrifices my parents made so that I could attend my school but I'm not sure I would have seen it in those terms then. And, as I say, we were both lucky enough to go to good schools.

I don't think 10/11 is too young to make this decision at all, provided that she has looked round both schools and understands the differences, if there are many, between them.

My older sister went to a private school, I went to a state school. My parents weren't intending on my sister going to a private school like you but my sister looked round the state school and hated it but she liked the private school so she went there. When I was 10, I looked round both schools and had the opposite reaction to my sister - loathed the private school but liked the state one. I also didn't want to go to a single sex school and I didn't like the really competitive atmosphere. Even at 10 I was self aware enough to realise that I would have cracked under that kind of pressure. My parents weren't bothered either way where I went so I went to the state school.

Do I regret my choice? No. Am I resentful of my sister for having an expensive education? Not at all. I knew that it was my choice and if I later regretted it, then I could always switch schools. But I never did. I was a very stubborn child and I would have been mightily pissed off with my parents if they'd forced me to go to a school I didn't want to go to. They would have had to drag me there kicking and screaming and I probably would have truanted and acted up because I was a little shit like that.

Your daughter will be at secondary school for potentially 7 years, that's a long time. Don't underestimate the importance of your daughter being happy with her school. I would have been deeply unhappy if I'd gone to my sister's school. I may have got a "better" education in some people's eyes but what's the point in that if I detested every minute of it?

So I'd suggest that your daughter gets to know both schools and the teachers and make her decision from there. If she chooses to go to the state school and doesn't get on well there then she can always swap to the private one later on.

I went to a private secondary and my younger brother was given the choice at the same age and went to the local comp. My parents put money aside for him to match my school fees, but with the proviso that it was only to get used for something "sensible. "
He used some of it to do a vocational qualification and buy the specialist equipment, and will probably put the small balance towards a house deposit.
I can honestly say that I don't feel hard done by that he has a "trust fund" and as far as I know, he is quite happy too, some 20 odd years on!
so - horses for courses, and one private, one state can definitely work and not lead to sibling warfare in later life.....or at least not unless my brother brings it up out of the blue next week, but that seems pretty unlikely :)

There is a boys' grammar school (state secondary) near us that is incredibly sought after, it's one of the best schools in the country - there would be loads of boys there whose sisters go to private schools. It's not a safe assumption that your DD2 will be disadvantaged simply as a result of a state education, it really depends on the school surely.

I'd always prefer an excellent state school over a private school as I think the parents and kids are more likely to share my and DH's values. I went to a single sex Catholic girls' school - I guess sort of a halfway house between state & private - and I've never felt disadvantaged compared to privately educated friends. (DH went to aforementioned boys' grammar and I mustadmit we will be pulling out all the stops to try to get our son in there.)

Without reading the thread, just part of the first page, I would say that as long as you are sending dd2 to the school she wants to go, she has nothing to complain about. I presume that if she had serious problems in that school in the future, money would be no object in finding a school she was happy with.

Send your DD2 to the school that best suits her emotional and educational needs, just as you have done with DD1. That may or may not be the same school.

And if that ends up being the state comp and you want to balance out some of the financial disparity, just encourage her to take up horse riding. You'll spend a flipping fortune

I've not read all the posts but just wanted to tell you my experience. My big sister went to independent school. Then it came to my turn I don't think my mum was convinced I'd pass the exam so in the nicest way I was prepared to go to a different school.
As it was I did pass and we went to the same school. My sister was on a scholarship but never got the extra cash she saved my parents, that would seen crazy.

I think it would be really unfair t give your second child the fees at 18.

YANBU.

A private school will have smaller classes, more individual attention and the pupils will be 'spoon fed'. The teaching staff will be more pro-active and responsive, because you are a paying customer. If there are any teachers who are not up to the mark, they are likely to be weeded out quickly. You will receive much more detailed reports on your child's progress and the facilities are likely to be much better.

However, there are inspirational teachers in the state sector, and ultimately your DC will need to work independently to achieve good results, just as they will at university. They may also learn to mix with a wider social group which is likely to be of benefit in later life. My DC advised of a 'bubble' at their private school, with some of the pupils being very 'entitled' and unwilling to mix. Now that they are at uni, these individuals apparently prefer to 'hang out' with their former private school friends, rather than seeking to make new ones. I think this behaviour was probably learned from their parents, who only wanted to 'hang out' with other parents from the same school.

You are clearly a loving parent who has considered the options carefully and you are the one to make the right choices for your children.

As long as its not done because of favoritism, or one child's education at the expense of the other's, then its fine.

Parents should choose, not children. Children have no idea 80% of judges went to fee paying schools, half the BBC was private educated, how many lawyers and doctors and Olympic sportsmen went to private schools.

Most teenagers are weak and go with the herd. If the herd mostly doesn't work very hard at school because they have an average IQ or whatever and is going into hair when they leave at 16 you might find your own child does that even if they had got into a top 10 selective independent they would not have done. Do not underestimate the power of friends over children in their teens. It is worth if they are bright enough to get into very selective independents to buy their peer group in that way.

My DH got a part scholarship to the local private school, so my PiLs were happy to pay for his sister to go private too, two years later, but my Sil was not interested; she picked the very local school, with her friends and everyone was very happy. In the 30 years since, SiL has never raised it as a problem...

Do what works for your family, never let outsiders create a problem that isn't even there!