one child in state school one at private school...AIBU?

[NoonarAgain]

dd1 is at a small independent girls school (secondary). she had friendship problems in year 5 and 6 and was keen to make a fresh start rather than go with her class mates to the excellent local comprehensive. if we did not think that dd1 was especially suited to this school, by virtue of her personality and situation, then we would never have chosen this particular school, as we prefer the idea of co-ed state education.

dd1 is happy at the school, but tbh we have a few philosophical objections to her being there and sometimes wonder if we made the right choice.

now dd 2 is soon to start secondary and is very keen to go to the 'good with outstanding features' (very local )comp. she is a tomboy and does not wish to go to a single sex school or leave her friends. the comp is in a fairly affluent area, without the problems faced by inner city schools. so in all honesty, both schools offer a fairly privileged educational environment, in my view.

the problem is, many people that I chat to seem to think that it is unfair to send one child to private school. this, to me, is based on the assumption that one school is inferior- a view that I simply do not hold.

someone even suggested that I find an entirely different co-ed private school, when there is a fantastic state school on our doorstep, just so they can 'both go private'. that just seems bonkers to me!

AIBU to send dd2 to the comp or should I 'force' her to go to the private school for fear being perceived as unfair? WWYD?

My siblings went to a private school. I was given a choice of schools and opted for a (very good) state school. There was never any resentment.

Thta ability to mix point is often rolled out. In London day private schools those which are very selective children are there from all kinds of backgrounds - chemist shop's children, Indian families where 4 wages are going towards the one £10k a year place etc etc. children on 100% bursaries (although they are few). Obviously it is mostly middle class children buit I think private school pupils have much more life confidence and ability to mix and social skills to treat people of all classes well than the average grunter who emerges from a comp unable to look people in the eye or shake a hand. It is not as simple as saying private school pupils are damaged for life unable to mix with and speak to people with say rougher accents at all. It can be the contrary.

Greengrow, what a horrible post; not the sort of thing I would expect to find on MN at all! You really believe that the average child being educated at a 'comp' is a 'grunter' who is 'unable to mix with and speak to people with rougher accents'......!!!

I am not aware that anyone has said on this thread that private school kids are damaged for life. I read the thread as saying that there are good and bad schools, both independent and private, that there are pros and cons with each, and that you have to try to find the best fit for your individual child.

If I've read your thread correctly. I don't see the problem tbh. It seems D.D 2 has opted to go a comp school, and it's pointless forcing her to go to a private school if it's against her wishes, because she wont be happy therefore she wont thrive which is vital. I think it would be unreasonable to send dd 2 to send your child to a school she doesn't want to go to

My best friend's eldest 2 kids went to private secondary schools (mostly 'cos the eldest, ds, got a scholarship to a well known private school). Her dd2 insisted on going to her "catchment" local state school - which had/has a good reputation. Her mum agreed provided she stayed in the top sets and worked hard.

She's just done her A levels and is off to Uni to study medicine.

Dd3 is also at state school but she has special needs and will always need additional support.

However, this is an extremely close family and not one where they would resent "extra" support - maybe 'cos dd3 needs real extra support.

In the OP's situation, I wouldn't force dd2 to go to an expensive school, especially when it sounds like she is only considering doing so 'cos of what other people might think and not 'cos of any concern about the state school. However, only she knows her dd2 and whether resentment is likely to become an issue in later years. Maybe preempt it by making sure that if there is any extra support or tutoring required, doing it immediately and without rancour (too strong a word).

For example, my friend arranged for her dd2 to spend 4 weeks at a summer school in Germany as she lacked confidence in her German. It also increased her confidence, being away from home that long and have to fly there on her own at only 14/15.

I know someone who sent one to private as she is 'very bright' but openly said her DD2 was 'not bright enough' to everyone. I wonder how that will pan out. The local state school wasn't good enough for her DD1 but was for DD2 and also all the money spent on one but not the other? Doesn't seem right to me and many people have commented.

Dolcelatte that didn't happen to me, but I was saying that I could see how my parents could have said similar to the OP, and it wouldn't have been right.

However I'm not convinced by the "lots of social groups" really. I went to a small private school that did a fair number of bursaries. My friends were from all walks of life, and the ones I've kept up with were from all kinds of backgrounds. There were people in my year who lived in the local caravan park, were first generation immigrants, etc. all the way up to the family whose dad was the managing director of an international company. We were aware of backgrounds to a certain extent, but I never remember it being an issue.
Dh went to a standard comp, and it's noticable that all those he talks about, and those he's kept up with are the white middle class, large home owner families.

I went to a private school. Bro went to the local comp. I went to uni, he didn't. He earns more than me!
Where I grew up the best schools in the borough were (still are) two selective state grammars.
Regarding the state school, what are their exam results like, students going into further ed etc. alumni?
I went to school at a time when going to uni was fairly unusual-it was par for the course at my school but uncommon in the state school system.
I don't agree with giving the DD2 money. I say do what feels right for your family. Ignore outsiders. You can always address it again in years to come-continue to offer DD2 the chance to go to private school as she gets older and for sixth form if she wants. See how she gets on. She may flourish and be really happy as she is.

Bluntly speaking, most everyone I know who sends their child privately is doing so because they hope to give their child a leg up on their test scores to get them into a better school. I don't recognize the reasons that have been cited on this thread, such as personality.

Barring major disparities in academic aptitude or special needs, I can't understand this (the former is courting disaster as far as I can tell).

Different genders makes more sense to me, for example we live close to an excellent girls' state school while there's a dearth of boys' schools.

Greengrow that is utterly vile. My DS goes to a decent Uni from our local comp. He is surrounded by privately educated kids. Far from being able to mix with all sorts he reckons a lot of them have a pretty disgusting sense of superiority. For example during a recent argument a flat mate called him a "pikey chav". Very nasty stuff.

TheLovely I think, especially in areas with overcrowding where there is no real choice of state school, some parents will consider private when the state school their children are in fails to meet their needs or (in the move to secndary) seems like it isn't going to.

I think this is where things like personality are used to mean their child is getting lost in a larger school, or there is no culture of academic achievement and bright children who actually want to do their homework get teased/bullied etc. If their child has struggled to make friends or if their is little provision for something the child/family hold dear like sport or music.

I guess I kind of understand that, but I can't really understand how what's good for one child (like getting lost in a big school, so opting for a smaller private) wouldn't be good for the other. If one child is shy and the other outgoing, I don't think that means that the outgoing one wouldn't benefit nearly equally from a smaller school.

But I am baffled about this "personality" facet of school, I recently had a really frustrating meeting with my son's head teacher and just threw my hands up when she suggested that I need to visit schools and work out which one "works" for him. I was able to rule out the artistic drama/art schools because that's his worst nightmare. Other than that, I struggled mightily with the "well, can you see your son going to school there?" question. I have heard other parents say "we visited this school and it really just clicked" and I generally wonder if they're lying.

I have heard other parents say "we visited this school and it really just clicked" and I generally wonder if they're lying

No they aren't. You try and get a feel for the ethos and values of the school and see if you think it will be a good fit for your child.

I looked round four schools for sixth form and one did 'click' with me.

Do what you believe is best for your children.
Screw everyone else and what they think of you and your choices, you Children's education is the most important thing.

TheLovely you seem to be assuming small schools are somehow inherently better than large ones. I would heartily disagree with that sentiment, having moved from small to large and found the large far, far better for me. It was a lot to do with being outgoing, but also to do with not being a big conformer and finding a small school a bit stifling. I also benefitted from better subject provision (bigger school, more options). Those worked out for me. But others might not need better subject provision and may find diversity distracting or difficult to cope with while going through puberty, they may not grab attention when they need it and so a smaller school might mean they are less likey to be overlooked when they need support. So the balance of which is the best school would be different for them, because their needs and how they react to different environments would be different.

There are ways in which you can manage different children at state/private without it becoming an issue in later life (my parents certainly did). But I would be very wary of DD2's wanting to be with her friends as a reason for this.

Staying with friends from primary school is a non-reason against quality of education and rightness of the school for your child. The children at my secondary who went up with ones from their primary all changed friendship groups within the year, and most within the first term. If she questions your decision later on, she isn't going to be happy with you saying "you wanted to stay with your friends" as a reason for this - the point of adults making the decision is that they are supposed to see beyond the priorities of a ten year old, which are understandably probably a little off-kilter.

No, really I'm not - I was really just regurgitating one example about one school being better for a child than another. I take your point that there's probably some personality involved in whether you like a big, buzzing environment or a small, cozy one but my own child's preference for one or the other would never result in an after-tax outlay of 15K. Both of my kids go privately but it's because our state options are bad.

Does the eldest have a statement or underlaying social issues. Please can we have more detail about why you went private with her

I don't think YABU at all. I don't have DC yet but I believe single sex education is beneficial for girls but not boys. So if I had a dd and ds I would put my dd in a private school but consider both private or state coeducational schools for my son. What suits the child best is most important - not some strange sense of fairness as perceived by outsiders..

TheLovely you may have a child who thrives in a wide variety of environments, or a mind set that it's all about adapting. I tend towards that myself and wouldn't go with a simple preference. But I think it can be a lot more than a preference for some children. It's about where they will thrive and where they will be happy. 5 days a week 39 weeks a year is a long time to spend being serable or feeling like you just don't fit in. If I had the money I would be likely to pay in those circumstances.

Both your girls are where they want to be and where they can best achieve their personal potentials. There's no point in disadvantaging one to make other people happy.

The best school is the one where the child is happiest and can flourish. All children are different and their varying needs require flexibility. You wouldn't consider removing one child from where they are achieving their best if they were both fee paying or both state funded schools so why do so just because one is? Other peoples uninformed opinions and strange interpretation of 'equality' aren't a good enough reason. We are all equal but different and different strokes...

Perfectly ok if it's what both kids want, make sure DD 2 knows her decision can be reconsidered if she feels the state school isn't working out. Tbh she will probably love it and be fine, it's difficult when your kids educational needs are being met in such different schools. Not going to go into the pros and cons of state v private but the unpleasant example of ignorance above from Greengrow above is what I would worry about in private education, although there are obviously many benefits, I'd rather my children didn't mix with people who think like that about state educated children as a homogenous bunch, same way I don't think all privately educated children are arrogant.