one child in state school one at private school...AIBU?

[NoonarAgain]

dd1 is at a small independent girls school (secondary). she had friendship problems in year 5 and 6 and was keen to make a fresh start rather than go with her class mates to the excellent local comprehensive. if we did not think that dd1 was especially suited to this school, by virtue of her personality and situation, then we would never have chosen this particular school, as we prefer the idea of co-ed state education.

dd1 is happy at the school, but tbh we have a few philosophical objections to her being there and sometimes wonder if we made the right choice.

now dd 2 is soon to start secondary and is very keen to go to the 'good with outstanding features' (very local )comp. she is a tomboy and does not wish to go to a single sex school or leave her friends. the comp is in a fairly affluent area, without the problems faced by inner city schools. so in all honesty, both schools offer a fairly privileged educational environment, in my view.

the problem is, many people that I chat to seem to think that it is unfair to send one child to private school. this, to me, is based on the assumption that one school is inferior- a view that I simply do not hold.

someone even suggested that I find an entirely different co-ed private school, when there is a fantastic state school on our doorstep, just so they can 'both go private'. that just seems bonkers to me!

AIBU to send dd2 to the comp or should I 'force' her to go to the private school for fear being perceived as unfair? WWYD?

I have three sisters. One of my sisters went to private school all the way from 7-18. The rest of us went to the perfectly good local comp. Private school met that sister's needs and was the right environment for her, none of us have ever considered the amount of money spent on her and not us. If it's right for your DDs then don't listen to what other people say.

We are currently doing this and are externally happy with our decision. 2 children are at private preps and eldest went state primary all the way through although they all started at the same state primary however it went seriously downhill and we moved the younger 2. We didn't feel that it was right to move the eldest as already in year 5. Eldest is now at an outstanding comp - one of the best in the country, GCSE and A'level results on par with all but the most selective private schools. Eldest is in top sets and likely to achieve very highly. Facilities are great, leadership excellent, professional families many of whom also have one state / one private. We haven't made a decision on the younger ones yet, it's likely they will join the comp but it remains to be seen, we will make a decision when the time comes. Eldest was given the option to go private at 11 but we never felt the available schools were suitable so didn't push it. Eldest is fully aware that if they want the opportunity to go anywhere at all for 6th form, including boarding they have our full support.

We are in a financial position that we can offer eldest all the opportunities and all the trips, residentials, hobbies etc that they want to do many of which are both expensive and time consuming. We wouldn't compensate financially, there's no need to as we are doing what suits each child.

One of mine is educated privately and has been since the age of 4. The 3 haven't. We will not be giving those 3 "compensation" Different children need different things, life isn't always about money.

I went to the local state school (my choice) and my brother went privately. As it happens, I did better than him in both GCSEs and A-levels. I don't see a problem with sending one child privately and one to state school, if it works for you.

There can be such a huge difference in life chances it feels a bit unfair. I was/ am lucky enough to earn enough to pay 5 sets of school fees. I would not have been happy had one been in a state school and indeed nor did I or any of my family ever go to state schools so it's probably just a family thing too.

As someone said above if you do have this difference then the money you are saving could go into an account in the state school pupil's name so she's had the same money spent as the other sibling.

more interesting responses, thanks so much.

results... this year the indy got 98% A to C grade passes, 50% were A and A grades (selective-about 40 pupils) whereas the comp got 72% a*-c (about 450 pupils of all abilities). how do you make a meaningful comparison of how a bright pupil already doing well in state school might fare?

but greengrow, do you not think that the difference in life chances is based on comparing a top public school with a poor state school? not a good state school and a low key small private school? not to mention variations in family background that may accompany school differences.

I have two girls and (admittedly in a different context) my dad told me "fair does not mean equal". Different children have different needs, and to satisfy those needs, they sometimes need to be treated differently. In other words op, it is not unfair to spend lots of money on one dd's education and nothing on the other other. They are both in schools that suit them and are best for them. It might be that in the future, dd2 wants to play polo as her hobby, and dd1 wants to just go to swimming club at the local pool. One obviously costs more than the other but you wouldn't make dd1 go to polo just for the sake if it, or encourage her to find an equally priced hobby, just to ensure complete equality, would you? Being fair does not mean treating equally.

My husband and his sisters went to the local school and his brother was sent to a private school. this was for different reasons to yours, DH's brother was doing exceptionally well at school and his parents decided he would do better in a Private school. They couldn't afford private school for all children and struggled with just the one but there was no issues between siblings at all. They all appreciated that their parents wanted to give them all a good education and that DH brother was exceptionally clever (he now works at hospitals creating and dispensing specialist cancer drugs, could have become a doctor but enjoys this more).

If your daughters are happy with the arrangement and it is clear that it is not down to favoritism then I don't see what the problem is. People will judge, let them, it's none of their business.

My DH went to a local grammar school, but his younger brother a private school. I have never asked my in-laws why (not my business) but, after meeting and getting to know HD's brother I see a miserable, entitled, anti-social man; the complete opposite to DH in every way. It's so weird.

I watched over the years (before they died) that they bent over backwards to pander to his every whim; for example, once his mum (in her 80s) could not manage to do his laundry (that he brought up in bin bags every couple of months when he deigned to visit) and struggled to iron it, his dad did it (dad was even older!!). I found it shocking but never said a word (but this is really another thread, isn't it?) they lent him a fortune for several failed businesses too....

Send each of your dc to the best school for of them.

thanks. any views on the results?

It's your job as a parent to source the best possible education you can for each of your children. If the best fit is a state school, you should opt for that. There will doubtless be lots of extra curricular activities and school trips you will need to chuck money at. My childrens state schools seem to be always asking for money.

Btw, it's not reallt the money spent that annoys me but the opportunities I didn't have.

*really

Noonar do you have a break down of grades for the state school?
My DS's comp has a similar to your local school percentage of pupils who got 5 A to Cs, at his school 50 pupils out of 300 achieved 7 or more As and A, so a sixth. 8 pupils achieved 8 As. Obviously this is just an example of a state comp.

How old is your daughter who wants to stay at the comp?

I value my kids' friendships and would not trivialize them, but equally they don't figure into which schools they'll go to.

If the schools are equally affluent, I think you're avoiding a lot of obvious pitfalls. The disparity in results would bother me, frankly.

If money is no object in this decision, I think that mitigates the risk of future tension. If it's a sacrifice (bar special needs - I realize this is not the case but think it merits mention) I think this might require a second glance.

thanks, lovely boots. I agree the disparity looks problematic at a glance, but there must be a way of comparing them more 'fairly' even in as much as that in one school 1 child is more than 2% and in the other school 4 children are less than 1%. I'm not good enough with figures! chicken, I need to get a more detailed breakdown.

lovelyboots, dd is year 6 (10) so leaving at the end of the year. oh and its not just about friendships, it's that MOST of her friends are boys and the indy is all girls.

I really think giving DD2 the monetary equivalent is not right. You have chosen the best school for each of them (money blind) and I think so long as you can justify that and make DD2 aware that she can move private in the future if she wants then it is fine. You should obviously keep an eye that it is working out and be prepared to move DD2 if needed (or pay tutor if preferred). Also, if DD1 has better extra-circular activities at private school, then look for opportunities for DD2 outside school.

I have a friend with a DS at state and one at private, and the only thing that causes arguments is that the one at private school gets more holiday!

my friend's situation is that her DS1 goes to state school and DS2 private.

In this case, the state school is a super-selective grammar. DS2 did not get in and she thought the private school the next best option. Money was not a factor in her decision. I doubt anyone would say it would have been right to send her DS2 to the local (failing) comp when he did not get into the grammar so that she was treating the 2 equally in terms of financial expenditure. Equally, I do not think anyone could expect her to move DS1 from Grammar to private just because DS2 did not get into grammar and instead went private. Nor would it be right to give DS1 financial compensation.

I don't really see your situation as different - you are sending them both to the school you think is best for them out of the options available.

Your dd2 is too young to make this decision. She will want to go wherever her friends are going. You need to decide, based on your best guess as to which school will be best for her education and suit her best. If that is the comp, fair enough, but in my opinion her friends shouldn't enter the equation at all.

It' snit about the money, it's about doing what is right for each child. You would actually consider sending your younger child to a school she doesn't want to go to, when there is a perfectly good alternative you are both happy with, just to be 'fair'? Doesn't sound very fair to me.

Ignore what others say. It's about love and knowing your children and bringing them up to value those things more than money!

You can ask for these figures from the school Noonar. Has your DD2 just started year 6? The Open Days will be held soon.

Agree strongly with pp that treating children fairly is not the same thing as treating them equally.

OP - another thought, is DD2 missing out on anything because DD1 is privately educated? Say, if you weren't paying out for school fees, would you be able to reduce your work hours/your DHs? Could you, without school fees to fund, afford a more lavish lifestyle with bigger/longer/fancier holidays, could you afford domestic staff to free up more fun family time etc. Is your DD2 negatively effected at all, even just a slight way, by your decision to privately educate half of your children? Because if there's a downside thats felt by all of your children, then the upside should be felt by all of your children.

And yes, cash later won't make up for missed opportunties when she's younger.