Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

one child in state school one at private school...AIBU?

172 replies

NoonarAgain · 04/09/2014 17:22

dd1 is at a small independent girls school (secondary). she had friendship problems in year 5 and 6 and was keen to make a fresh start rather than go with her class mates to the excellent local comprehensive. if we did not think that dd1 was especially suited to this school, by virtue of her personality and situation, then we would never have chosen this particular school, as we prefer the idea of co-ed state education.

dd1 is happy at the school, but tbh we have a few philosophical objections to her being there and sometimes wonder if we made the right choice.

now dd 2 is soon to start secondary and is very keen to go to the 'good with outstanding features' (very local )comp. she is a tomboy and does not wish to go to a single sex school or leave her friends. the comp is in a fairly affluent area, without the problems faced by inner city schools. so in all honesty, both schools offer a fairly privileged educational environment, in my view.

the problem is, many people that I chat to seem to think that it is unfair to send one child to private school. this, to me, is based on the assumption that one school is inferior- a view that I simply do not hold.

someone even suggested that I find an entirely different co-ed private school, when there is a fantastic state school on our doorstep, just so they can 'both go private'. that just seems bonkers to me!

AIBU to send dd2 to the comp or should I 'force' her to go to the private school for fear being perceived as unfair? WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
NoonarAgain · 04/09/2014 18:34

re networking opportunities...really? seriously? will it really make a difference if dd1 leaves this small indy school at 16? it's not Eton or harrow or girls' equivalent!

OP posts:
SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 04/09/2014 18:36

  1. none of their flaming business, ignore idiots.

  2. you gave girl #2 the choice. She chose to go to a regular comp. Not the same as the family who gave DD #2 an option that DD #1 did not have the chance to make.

tiggytape · 04/09/2014 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eltsihT · 04/09/2014 18:37

My parents sent my brother to private school and not me, simply because they respected my wishes, when asked if I wanted to go I said no.

Looking back I would have got better grades and been pushed more if I had gone, but I am very happy as is my brother.

You have included your children in the decision making process so it's been their choice where they attend school, I would leave it there but let you dd2 know she has the choice of going to.

DancingDinosaur · 04/09/2014 18:38

My brother went to private school and I went to state. I'm not resentful, but thats because life is too short to worry about it. But the truth is db did get better opportunities than me, and that is reflected hugely in the work / income he does / earns now.
I was faced with a similar decision recently. I personally found I couldn't give one the opportunities that the other couldn't have.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 04/09/2014 18:39

My sister and I were sent to private school while my brothers went to state. It has caused massive resentment and problems in our family, although it wasn't an issue at the time

Original poster
NoonarAgain · 04/09/2014 18:40

thanks self.
but eyebag, what if the close-enough co-ed indy has worse results than the comp??

OP posts:
ChickenFajitaAndNachos · 04/09/2014 18:41

I said it to illustrate how much the school costs, obviously buying one DD a flat and one nothing would be awful.
I do think really examining the difference in GCSE results will be worthwhile. I say this as a mother whose son just did his GCSEs. Not just looking at passes but grades too. There is a good chance your money will help your DD1 get a string of A* and As, do you think your DD2 will be able to achieve the same at the comp?

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 04/09/2014 18:41

Noonar not as children but with the wider networking events for adults that the Girls' Day School Trust (Girls' Public Day School Trust as was) organises. Perhaps not relevant for everyone but would have been highly beneficial for me.

ILovePud · 04/09/2014 18:42

My guess would be that the resentment probably stems from a wider pattern of favouritism of one sibling. I'm really curious about the stories of those posters who have described personal experience of this in their families, would the parents in those instances feel that they had properly consulted with all their DC and that those DC who got state rather than private education would have been in agreement with this?

Original poster
NoonarAgain · 04/09/2014 18:45

tiggy, very interesting post.

sorry that it looks likes I'm ignoring psots, I just can't keep up!

noarmani, surely the reasons/ context are relevant? it's not that the different school choices are inherently grounds for resentment.

anyone else think that people in general can overstate the advantage that private schools give? (when compared to comps in leafy middle class neighbourhoods!)

OP posts:
ChickenFajitaAndNachos · 04/09/2014 18:46

I don't think the two different private schools suggestions is bonkers Noonar.

ThePrisonerOfAzkaban · 04/09/2014 18:50

How about sending DD2 to the comp school and getting a tutor?

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 04/09/2014 18:50

Treating kids fairly is not the same as treating them equally. You don't spend the same amount of money on a two year old at Christmas as you would a 15 year old. You buy them something you hope would thrill them.

Fairly is offering both girls choices that you and DH would be happy with and then letting them have some choice over what they choose. I am of a mind that teenagers generally do better at schools that they want to be at, not necessarily at the best school.

When we dropped DS off at uni we had dinner with him and his roommates and the families that were in town. We had such a large group we couldn't all sit together so us mums were on a separate table and left the students/dads/siblings on another table. DS' roommates mums both shared that their boys were bright but very unmotivated students much like my own son. One said that they moved their son to a small private strict catholic school in the hope they would make him buckle down. Other mum agreed they had done that. Neither son did. They came out with very similar results to my kid at the local large state school.

ThePrisonerOfAzkaban · 04/09/2014 18:51

And then give her the option to change if she ever wants too?

handcream · 04/09/2014 18:54

Around here we still have the grammars. My best friend sent her older DD to the grammar and her other DD to a private because she didn't pass the 11 plus. She didn't rate the grammar at all, it fully expected the affulent parents to prop up the school with tutors etc.

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 04/09/2014 18:54

My Parents always said that I did well at the comprehensive so what was the problem and they didn't have the money, as they had two children when they chose it and four when I was the same age! They also knew the area more and had a better idea of the schools, having not long relocated when DSis started. It still irks me, though, as they never investigated Assisted Places or scholarships. I am more academic than my Sister, as well! FWIW, both my Parents were independently educated.

Beavie · 04/09/2014 18:58

This is a similar situation to my childhood. My eldest brother went to the local comp, because he wanted to, but was quite naughty and got lots of letters home etc in his first two years. So when it was time for me to go to secondary, my parents decided to send me to a public school. My two younger brothers also went to public schools from the start of their education.

My parents repeatedly asked my brother if he wanted to go to the school we were at, but he was adamant that he didn't. He ended up leaving school with pretty good gcse's. I hated the school I was at, and constantly begged to go the comp my brother was at, but my parents wouldn't let me. I did a bit better than him in my exams. He has never felt it unfair that he didn't go to private school, as he really didn't want to. I don't think you will 'owe' your dd2 anything for not going to private school, she doesn't want to go there and she will be getting a good education by the sounds of things.

MrsJossNaylor · 04/09/2014 19:01

I think your DD2 is too young to make the decision. I say this as someone who wanted to go to a (dreadful) comp, with friends, but my mother ensured I went to a (non-fee-paying) grammar.

I'm so glad she did. I quickly made new friends, and got - I believe - a much better education.

But I'm not saying force your DD2 to go private, by any means. I guess what I'm saying is, do what you think will be best for them in the long term, rather than what they want right now.

If it were me, I'd send both girls to the good comp and put the money I saved into savings for them to go ro uni/buy a house/etc when they're older.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 04/09/2014 19:02

Both girls are getting the same though :- they are both being educated at a school of their choice that suits their individual personalities. Money doesnt need to factor into it at all in terms of fairness.

If I were you id put the equivalent in schoolfees saved from DD2 away and use ot for both girls for nice holidays or school trips.

You gave dd1 what she wants. Fairness is giving DD2 what she wants.

QueenofKelsingra · 04/09/2014 19:02

Blush aw, thanks ilovepud

noonar - expand the thought process beyond schooling for a minute. if both DDs wanted to go to uni are you able and prepared to fund to the same level for both? if they both wanted to take up a hobby of some kind, would you be prepared to put in equal time and support for both of them? basically, ignoring the teen angst 'I hate my parents' stage, as adults when they look back will your girls be able to say 'we were both given equal opportunities and support'. this is the key thing.

my brother and I have done very different things with our lives, our parents have supported us (both financially and emotionally) in different ways. the key is that had either one of us wanted to do what the other did we would have been supported in that.

when I was working I earned more than my sibling now does, I am much more financially stable and had much better work and networking prospects. I think it is too easy to say 'private school = best opportunity'. hard work, people skills etc are all huge contributing factors to 'getting on in life'.

I would ponder if the resentful state educated ones feel that way as they perceive their sibling now earns more/has abetter job/better lifestyle/better opportunities and it is easier to blame that on the schooling than difference in personality/work ethic? sorry if that is a bit inflammatory, I don't mean it to be!

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 04/09/2014 19:03

OP already said that deep down they thought the comp was a better fit for DD#2 and she agreed. Slam dunk.

BackInTheGame · 04/09/2014 19:07

This is not quite the same situation, but I was fairly academic so went to a selective private school, whereas my brother was not so academic but very sporty and sociable and confident so he went to a big public boarding school. I obviously recognise that I was extremely privileged to go to a private school, but the fact is that if you look at it from a money point of view, my parents spent 3 times as much on my brother's education as they did on mine.

I see it as completely fair though and would never dream of asking for the difference (c.40,000!), as although the amounts of money spent were very different, we each got to go to a school that suited us. I ended up with the better grades whilst he ended up being involved in a wide range of sports teams and gaining amazing connections.

Although not 'equal' it was the best and fairest way for my parents to deal with each of their children.

I do agree with others though that DD2 is too young to make a decision now that could affect the rest of her life and therefore if you sense she is at all unhappy at the comp or you see her grades are lower than expected, I would re-offer private school to her at a later stage if I were you.

MyFirstName · 04/09/2014 19:08

If you want to do something with the £££ not spent on DD2 then maybe put the money in a savings account and then when they both leave uni/leave home/first buy a ouse then half the money each. THis demonstrates there is/was a family pot for education/setting them up for the future. This ££ was pooled. Some went for secondary stuff. Maybe some for sixth form (for either daughter). If DD2 at say, Y8 struggles and she/you need private then the ££ is used. If not whatever left is a bump start.

I think as long as DD2 knows it is through what is best for her and listening to her wishes and not a "DD1 deserves money spent DD2 doesn't" and you keep communicated about it, you should be OK as a family.

As for what your neighbours think? Fuck em Grin

frogsinapond · 04/09/2014 19:12

You could pay a tutor for the dd in state to try and even out results (if there is a disparity).