one child in state school one at private school...AIBU?

[NoonarAgain]

dd1 is at a small independent girls school (secondary). she had friendship problems in year 5 and 6 and was keen to make a fresh start rather than go with her class mates to the excellent local comprehensive. if we did not think that dd1 was especially suited to this school, by virtue of her personality and situation, then we would never have chosen this particular school, as we prefer the idea of co-ed state education.

dd1 is happy at the school, but tbh we have a few philosophical objections to her being there and sometimes wonder if we made the right choice.

now dd 2 is soon to start secondary and is very keen to go to the 'good with outstanding features' (very local )comp. she is a tomboy and does not wish to go to a single sex school or leave her friends. the comp is in a fairly affluent area, without the problems faced by inner city schools. so in all honesty, both schools offer a fairly privileged educational environment, in my view.

the problem is, many people that I chat to seem to think that it is unfair to send one child to private school. this, to me, is based on the assumption that one school is inferior- a view that I simply do not hold.

someone even suggested that I find an entirely different co-ed private school, when there is a fantastic state school on our doorstep, just so they can 'both go private'. that just seems bonkers to me!

AIBU to send dd2 to the comp or should I 'force' her to go to the private school for fear being perceived as unfair? WWYD?

I don't think it would bu at all to send each child to the school that suits them best, and if you are open with them as they get older I see no reason why dd2 would suddenly start resenting it either, especially if she's happy at her school.
I do disagree with those saying put money aside for dd2 to compensate for not having a private education. Apart from the very valid point you make about it devaluing her perfectly good state education, it is also unfair on dd1. As you explain it, she has gone to this private school because she was having problems at her primary and the comp wouldn't have been the best choice for her. It's not like she's been given a pony or some other completely optional expensive treat. I understand the impulse to treat them equally, but in this instance dd2 would have a massive wedge of cash at 18, yet they may both have come out of school having had similarly positive experiences (and grades)? If anything this would def make dd1 resentful, and I'm not sure I would blame her...?
Stick to your plan, you know your own kids, don't listen to others.

golmandra and whois. very interesting view, but tbh I think that this is even MORE the case with the indy, tbh. I mean, selective entry and aspiring interested parents doesn't exactly make for challenging students... you can get good results without fantastic teachers.

btw, the indy goes up to GCSE only so dd1 will probably go state for 6th form anyway.

Imo treating children equally means giving them equal opportunities, not spending equal £££.

So YANBU. Maybe the child in state school will eventually want you to pay for a tutor, music lessons or similar, so they get access to something that isn't available at their school. But as long as both get an equally good education, then that's fair play.

I think saving the money to give her later is a terrible idea. Giving one child cash equivalent to a house deposit and the other not will cause far more resentment.

I don't think you should be putting money aside to 'compensate' your daughter at all. The schools chosen for each has been decided on a case by case basis. They will each be going to a place their requirements will be met. Cost isn't an issue IMO. Yes, a large sum will be spent on one and not the other. But in families, things aren't always equal. Everyone has different needs and you as their parents are doing what you can to meet them.
'paying off' your other daughter seems wrong as though you have favoured the other one and are paying her to equal it all up.
She will then have a pot of money to do what she pleases with. Has the other daughter been given the option of expensive education OR wodge of cash?

I agree with Seaweed and Queen.

This is not about money.

In kid terms, DD1 gets to go to the school that she wants to, so to be fair, DD2 gets to go to the school she wants to.

It would be completely unfair to DD1 to then hand a wodge of cash to DD2. (Remember, I am the DD2 equivalent. I would feel it to be massively wrong if I had been given more than my brother).

QueenofKelsingra, I think that's a really thoughtful contribution and mature attitude, sorry if that sound patronising I really don't mean it to be, I'm being sincere. I've seen many families in which favouritism or perceived favouritism of one sibling has had an unbelievably corrosive effect so it's good to hear that for balance.

In some ways you gave DD1 the option to pick her school so should allow Dd2 to do the same. However given the reason for going private was to avoid children already known when there would have been hundreds of new ones as well to mix with seems a tad overboard.

Your Dd2 is too young to understand the implications and that part of me thinks it's very unfair. Either both go private or both go state. The resentment this could cause in adult hood could ruin relationships.

First born already tend to have more than subsequent children without factoring in private schooling for them only.

Hard one. I understand what you mean about not 'compensating' DD2 as if she has automatically lost out but at the same time at some point she will realise a significant amount of money was spent on her sister and not her.

I don't necessarily think you should save the equivalent amount for DD2 to give to her, no strings attached, as DD1 may feel this is unfair for a decision she made at 11, however maybe just keep an eye out how much you spend over the few years on them and try to even it out a bit. They are still very young, who knows whether one might develop a hobby, other may go away to uni while one lives at home, one might want to go travelling or do postgrad, etc, one may get married, one have no kids and the other have 5.

Basically just expanding on QueenofKelsingra's post - fairly is not necessarily equally. If when they are both grown up and can discuss it reasonably DD2 does feel she has lost out then you can rethink it, but otherwise hopefully it will work out roughly throughout their lives.

Also tell DD2 the option is always open for her, if you can afford it. She may change her mind at year 9, or something.

sorry, I'm such a slow typist!

re the issue of favouring one/ wishing to save money...this is SO not the case. dh and I until recently assumed we would have to send dd2 to the indy to make it fair/ the same/ equal (money is not a big worry).

however, we very recently discussed the fact that we both had a niggling gut feeling that this not the right school for her and that we were forcing her to follow in dd1's footsteps. we then had a very frank convo with dd1 about school choice, and were exceptionally careful to ask her questions which were not leading about what she would like to do. we just kind of said 'tell us your thoughts about secondary school' and she waxed lyrical.

dh and I felt real sense of relief to discuss with each other, and are almost at peace with the decision ourselves, but wanted to get some views/ reassurance I guess.

re expensive hobbies, dd2 already plays 2 instruments and dd1, none.

btw, both girls are bright, but dd1 probably more deep thinker/ creative whilst dd1 is a sharper thinker/ slightly higher IQ I'd guess, but much slower to get things on paper. dd2 on track for level 5s across the board. dd1 similar on paper.

I don't think there is anything wrong as long as you put the equivalent fees into something for your other dd.
My dd will have this opportunity when older but her brothers didn't and it won't cost us much at all.
We can give dd much more than they had so I have to give her brothers the same amount of money to make it fair.
If you can't do this then I do think it unfair on your other dd.

My psychotherapist kept harping back to the fact that mybrother had gone to private school and i hadn't. I didn't think anything of it at the time. She made me wonder if my parents loved my brother more than they loved me.

I am doing the same, one in private school and one in state ed.

It is about doing what is best for the child, not pleasing friends.

Fossil I'm guessing that's a joke but in fact, was actually the case for my brother.

I don't think he felt less loved than I - but that they'd invested more in me, and saw him as a "failure".

I think he carried that perception with him for a long time really - so it DOES happen.

I am resentful that my elder Sister went to an independent school and the rest of us went to a "good" comp. There are a variety of things that annoy me, but the biggest gripes are the networks she has, which would be invaluable in my chosen field, the self-confidence and the work ethic. I did well in spite, not because of, my school, but I could have done with being stretched and with having more academic peers so I had to work more consistently to be best: it does not stand you in good stead academically at university to be able to hold your own with minimal work.

I think as long as you put 100k or whatever private secondary education costs towards a home or other investment for DD2 then it's fair.
Have you looked at the exam results and done a big comparison of the result

Not exactly the same as your situation but similar. I went to state school which was a good all girls school. My brother went to private school because the mixed school/boys school was dreadful. I had the chance to switch to the private school for the sixth form but decided not to. I never ever felt that my parents were " spending money on him and not on me". We were both at the school which was suitable for us and I certainly NEVER thought that I should have had the cash instead!!

A friend of mine has done this

Ds1 went to private school and ds2 is now in year 8 of the local comp

She is not happy with ds2's performance at the comprehensive school so she will be moving him to private school in the next year or so

I'd like to apologise for not acknowledging all posts individually, but I'm reading them all in great detail whilst neglecting dinner!

daisy, maybe you're right, maybe we did over react. but there was some bullying as well as the friendship issues. maybe she could've had that fresh state at the comp, but dd was so unhappy and it seemed like the right decision at the time.

re all the possible resentments etc that a sibling might feel...wouldn't that have more to do with pre existing family dynamics eg favouritism that the school issue merely reflected rather than caused n the first place? does that make sense?

thanks again folks.

Giving the cash equivalent of school fees to the state school dd is a really really horrible idea.

OP - your dd2 would pick to go to the school her friends were even if it was a sink school with stabbings once a week. She's what, 10? Then of course her friends are going to be more important to her than the quality of education she'll get.

Plus while she might be a tomboy now, that doesnt mean she wouldn't benefit from an all girls environment (I do believe the research shows girls do better in traditionally 'male' subjects in single sex environment, boys do better overall with girls around, although boys in a single sex environment are more likely to do well in 'female' subjects like languages).

My brother went private and I went state school. Academically, he did much better than me, but as an adult, I can see he's not brighter at all. (we got the same class at uni even though he'd got significantly better A levels and GCSEs)

I do wonder at my parent's choice, they apparently "did it for the child who needed it" (DB was naughty at 9/10 and in trouble a lot at school). They probably had sound choices for this, but it still boils down to the fact my DB had opportunities and priviledges I didn't - I might not have 'needed' them in the same way, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't have benefitted from them.

This isn't a state vs private thing, this is about giving your children the same opportunities. If you do it for one, you should be prepared to do it for the other, even if you think one child will make more of the opportunity than the other.

chicken, I disagree about the cash payment but agree that I need to take another look at results.

Your reasoning is sound but I do think you leave yourself open for accusations of favouritism as they grow older. I think treating them equally is very important and I would be looking for two decent state or private schools, not one of each.

YABU sorry.