To think that my mother can't expect to come to us for Christmas every year?

[MrsSchadenfreude]

I have told her that it is DH's parents' turn to come to us this year, and she had a hissy fit, asking me "Well where am I supposed to go?" and "Your DH has a brother - why can't they go to him every year?" (ignoring the fact that they also alternate and have SBIL's wife's parents every other year - her response to that was, well they can all go there together, can't they?")

Her brothers won't have her because "she ruins Christmas for everyone and never helps, just expects to be waited on hand and foot".

She has been to my cousin in the past, but my cousin has had a very tough year, losing both of her parents, and has said that she and her DH are going away on their own this year.

She has been away to a hotel with the friend that she goes on holiday with, but has fallen out with this friend since they went on holiday in the summer.

She can't come to us with the inlaws, as she shouted at my DMIL years ago, calling her "common and ill mannered" (she is neither). DMIL has always said she is prepared to let bygones be bygones if my mother will apologise, so that they can move on. My mother has always refused to apologise, as she "doesn't see that what she did was so wrong - it's true, she is common."

I feel a bit that it is history repeating itself, as she refused to have her mother for Christmas, as she had a party on Christmas Eve every year and said her mother "would not have fitted in."

I don't understand why she's coming afterall just because your in-laws aren't coming. There's no rule that says you have to have her. Why not enjoy a quiet Christmas with your own husband and kids only and just tell your mum that on reflection you don't think it will work for her to come.

My husband is resigned to her coming, as are the DDs. I feel I can't let her sit at home on her own over Christmas, now that really every option open to her (not that it was because they wouldn't have had her when they were alive!) has been removed from her. I know she doesn't really want to come to us, she just doesn't want to sit there on her own.

Next year go away yourselves - I bet you'll have a much better time

If you feel she must come PLEASE make sure she is aware of what is and isn't acceptable. If she insists on childish behaviour treat it as such - any comments call her on them, reminder her that it is YOUR home and she was told what was acceptable and what wasn't and that if she creates then she goes home early. And then walk away from her.

I read the thread title and came on here to (rather sanctimoniously) say that yabu, I don't have my mother with me any more and would love to have her with me on Xmas day, so appreciate what you have got....but then I read your description of her and changed my mind.

Yanbu.

Could you go out for xmas dinner then swiftly drop your mum at her home (and enjoy the rest of your day)

YANBU and sympathy for you.
Tell your mum what behaviour you expect next time she cones to stay before she comes.

I'm so sorry you got drawn into this again, for your own sakes, please pull her up on her remarks and other than that ignore as far as you possibly can. If she's sat miserable in an armchair in the lounge, then play games at the dining room table, go for a lovely walk, go see friends, just make sure get yourselves some breaks from her to enjoy yourselves.

Let her be on her own.
She is a bitch.

Mrs S your mum is emotionally abusive and you are enabling her behaviour. She will be miserable for four days and ruin Christmas for your family.
How are you going to feel the day your children say Granny Doom ruined all our Christmases?

Oh op I really feel you've made a bad choice in giving in to the manipulation. Your poor family having their christmas ruined by this woman, can't you see?

Mona, they won't say that because when they were little, we lived overseas and she almost never came out to see us. I will set the ground rules - and I have become quite robust on pulling her up on her behaviour - eg if she makes herself tea and no-one else, I will tell her that is selfish, and equally pull her up if she is nasty to the DDs (although they are quite capable of doing that themselves).

Christmas was always a big thing when I was a child - we used to have about 30 people over to ours for Christmas. I guess I don't really like the thought of her being on her own, being bad mouthed to the village (who all think she is lovely and never see the side of her that her family do) and being called shit as a daughter. She is over 80 now - she is never going to get any better.

MrsSchadenfreude, you are clearly kind and considerate and I agree with setting the ground rules very clearly.

It's such an exhausting, emotional minefield isn't it. My Dh cannot understand why I don't stand up to my Dm more. We are having the ILs over on Christmas day and will see my parents at some point during the day. The constant thinly veiled criticisms just grind me down and the comparisons to other people " so and so are having the whole family round " " so and so's children are going to see Father Christmas at (insert ridiculously expensive place)"
My Dm has the constant need to be keeping up appearances with her friends who have grandchildren.

My mum always invited her MIL (my granny) even though she was toxic.

As a result, for me Christmas memories are not happy ones. My Gran was cold and a bit evil, trued to entertain herself by creating discord.

I started becoming rude to her when I was about 12, as I hated how she treated my mum.

She outwitted me easily, and knew how to put me in my place ( comments about my appearance, no breasts yet I see? No boyfriend now or ever? Hahaha), and commented negatively about every meal. (Peasant food for peasant people hahaha, or simply refusing to eat a "common roast", then raiding the biscuit tin.)

We were all backward and provincial and she hated being with us. She longed to be in a posh hotel with lots of admirers (she was very beautiful when younger).

I wish my parents had never felt duty-bound to invite her, horrible evil Christmas spoiling bitch.

.... Just a child's perspective. She ruined Christmas for 15 years. And never brought presents. My mum bought things and pretended they were from her. We were not fooled.

Wow I remember this thread from August.
I think you would have been entirely reasonable to still not have her, but now she's coming what can you do to make the best of it?
Is she self-aware enough that you could have a talk with her drawing the parallels with the current situation and the way her own mother was excluded, and ask her to make a bit more of an effort not to ruin things for you this time?
Could you do the bright and breezy thing: "do you want to take the kids to the playground / to feed the ducks / whatever while I do the veg, or would you rather be in charge of veg and I'll take the kids out" or "your turn to sort out the tea and coffee round". That's assuming those are things you'd like her to do. If not, what behaviour would you most like her to have? Work on the assumption that that's what she'll do, and don't give her the option to be a burden. "come on now, you're not a guest here, you're family, so we all pitch in"

Don't be defeatist. If you don't like the status quo then it's up to you to make things be different this time.