To think that my mother can't expect to come to us for Christmas every year?

[MrsSchadenfreude]

I have told her that it is DH's parents' turn to come to us this year, and she had a hissy fit, asking me "Well where am I supposed to go?" and "Your DH has a brother - why can't they go to him every year?" (ignoring the fact that they also alternate and have SBIL's wife's parents every other year - her response to that was, well they can all go there together, can't they?")

Her brothers won't have her because "she ruins Christmas for everyone and never helps, just expects to be waited on hand and foot".

She has been to my cousin in the past, but my cousin has had a very tough year, losing both of her parents, and has said that she and her DH are going away on their own this year.

She has been away to a hotel with the friend that she goes on holiday with, but has fallen out with this friend since they went on holiday in the summer.

She can't come to us with the inlaws, as she shouted at my DMIL years ago, calling her "common and ill mannered" (she is neither). DMIL has always said she is prepared to let bygones be bygones if my mother will apologise, so that they can move on. My mother has always refused to apologise, as she "doesn't see that what she did was so wrong - it's true, she is common."

I feel a bit that it is history repeating itself, as she refused to have her mother for Christmas, as she had a party on Christmas Eve every year and said her mother "would not have fitted in."

I hope my children never feel like they have to have me when they can't/don't want to, I'd be happier sitting alone watching the TV with a bottle of fizz than knowing I was being a pita burden to anyone

Howfar apart are you all & how long do ILs stay?

If I was feeling generous I might invite her for a couple of hrs in the eveing so that she isn't alone all day.

But then if she'll put a damper on the day...

If she hates your DH then surely she should be pleased not to have to see him this christmas

Seriously though if she is that difficult then having her even every other year is really good of you and your poor DH, I wouldn't even do that

millipede that's not fair. Your mum was probably lovely, not all of us are blessed with lovely mums. I'm sorry yours isn't here to spend special occasions with you.

OP maybe if you don't have her this year she'll start behaving in future. What she said to your MIL was awful.

Omg, on what planet is 'She gave you life so it's her right to be waited on' remotely acceptable.

Giving birth doesn't give anyone the right to be an utter toxic person. Fuck that.

Enjoy your guilt free Christmas Day. It's her own fault that she will be a sad, lonely, and bitter. And anyone who truly knows her, will ignore the self pity party, and secretly cheer you on.

Oh gosh.
I do feel for you.
I am already worried about Xmas - it's bloody august!
Just got back from a "holiday" with my mother.
Never again!
She did nothing. Was bored...and kept telling Me so, but didn't want to go in the pool, refused to play with the dc, sat on the beach with a face like thunder, said she hated the food....I could go on...
Let her stew. She sounds vile.
I am very tempted to tell everyone to bugger off and stay at home, just the 4 of us this year!

OP, is your mum The Queen?

Oh Badvoc, I had a holiday like that with my mother too! She took no notice of anything - "once you've seen one mountain/beach/old building you've seen them all," wanted me to lock the kids in the room and go out drinking with her!

We're too far away to have her over in the evening. And I can't offer her Boxing Day or New Year, it has to be Christmas day or nothing.

She's done it to herself and only has herself to blame. If she hadn't had the outburst at MIL you could all sit around the table together and everyone would be sorted. But instead she'd rather be stubborn and immature and refuse to apologise for her rudeness. She's the ill mannered one for A) calling MIL that in the first place and B) refusing to just let bygones be bygones.

Anyway this is why I'm really pleased my family are pretty disconnected and shit, don't have to deal with all of this nonsense and Christmas is blissful with just the five of us... Just tell her she either apologises to mil and deals with PIL being there or she's on her own. End of.

God she sounds vile. Remind her MiL will let byones be bygones if she apologises. And tell her I'd she doesn't behave she'll be asked to leave immediately?

If she can't agree to those two conditions then she can stay at home.

so to clarify, of the 3 people she has potential to spend Christmas with, she can't spend it with 2 of them because she's been rude and fallen out with them, and she can't come to the 3rd (you) because she's been rude to one of the other guests and fallen out with them and won't appologise?

So in fact, if she'd made an effort to just be nice to people, she'd have 3 different places she could go at Christmas and she's only on her own because of her own behaviour in the past. Have I got that right?

She's a grown woman who hasn't learned from the fact she's pissed off so many people she's no longer welcome in their homes and has never thought to stop and alter her behaviour.

And family can't be all that important to her if she was prepared to leave her own mother on her own every year. Children learn from their parents, your mother has shown you what she thinks is the appropirate behaviour towards a difficult older relation is.

Mamalino - she thinks she is!

Sounds really grim Mrs
We have an everyone welcome to ours which works fine as they're all civilised if hard work in their own ways
It's her own fault.

oh god. stand your ground. go to your inlaws. then next year go away. she can't come.

if you're rude and horrid, you don't have the right to a christmas with people you treat like shit.

That's it in a nutshell, Mary.

Hey ho, sorry if I hit a nerve, its just the way I feel, I know so many people that could not be bothered with their parents when they were alive and bitterly regret things said and done after they died, life is short and at least once a year make the effort, try and go with the whole meaning of Christmas, good will to all men etc.

Maybe we could get them together and they could sod off to somewhere festive together!? :)
Sigh. It's hard. It really is. My dad died last year and mum - who was never easy to deal with - has become in effect a 68 year old toddler.
Dh saw her behaviour towards me for the first time last week and it shocked him.
No advice for you, just lots of and lots of sympathy x

I used to have this dilemma every year. My mother is a poisonous old bi*ch. She can do whatever she wants at Christmas, but it will no longer be at my house. It's an awkward conversation to have, but OMG the relief after it's said and done is huge. Unfortunately not everyone has a 'normal', close and loving relationship with their DM. Those who do are lucky. Those who don't have to cope as best they can. Do what you want to have a happy Christmas OP. I took advice from Mumsnet about my mother's expectations at Christmas a few years ago. And every Christmas I am grateful for that advice.

Millipede, but why does that (ridiculous) rule apply to OP and not her mother? Her mother is not trying to get on it people and extend goodwill to all.

Millie..I am sure you mean well, but...what a crock!
Treat people as you would like to be treated is my motto.
My mum thinks everyone else should make the effort.
She is rude, ignorant and frankly, embarrassing.
She talks another people who can hear what she is saying
She walks off when people are talking to her. Just walks away!
I have had enough of it.

It seems to me she has brought this on herself.

milli that is a sensible viewpoint when you have sensible parents.

If your parent/s are self centered, miserable, rude, awkward PITA then rational thought cannot possibly be applied.

yabu, she gave you life so d it's her right to be waited on hand and foot.

I hope to god that my children never feel that they have to wait on me hand and foot because I gave birth to them. What a horrible dynamic and how extraordinarily unfair. Because I decided to have children in my 30s, when I'm in my 70s I'm entitled to be as unpleasant as I like and ruin Christmas for everyone??

Badvoc - I had this after my Dad died too. He used to do absolutely everything for her, including dry her when she got out of the bath. He did her no favours. She fell out with all of her friends, when they wouldn't drop everything and rush round to deal with a tin that wouldn't open, a window that wouldn't lock etc etc. Even the Jehovah's Witnesses wouldn't go round any more!

My dad died a few years ago and I would give almost anything to have him back, even for just one Christmas Day, so I could see him again. I'm one of those Milli referred to who didn't realise how much I valued and lived him before he died.

But.

I have spent years reassuring my mum that's he doesn't have to feel guilty about her dad being a sad, lonely old man at Christmas. That is entirely his own fault for being abusive (physically as a child, emotionally now).

Anyway. How do we demonstrate to our kids that you need to be nice to people so they are nice to you, if we clearly show them they can be treated like shit by relations with no come-back?