To think that my mother can't expect to come to us for Christmas every year?

[MrsSchadenfreude]

I have told her that it is DH's parents' turn to come to us this year, and she had a hissy fit, asking me "Well where am I supposed to go?" and "Your DH has a brother - why can't they go to him every year?" (ignoring the fact that they also alternate and have SBIL's wife's parents every other year - her response to that was, well they can all go there together, can't they?")

Her brothers won't have her because "she ruins Christmas for everyone and never helps, just expects to be waited on hand and foot".

She has been to my cousin in the past, but my cousin has had a very tough year, losing both of her parents, and has said that she and her DH are going away on their own this year.

She has been away to a hotel with the friend that she goes on holiday with, but has fallen out with this friend since they went on holiday in the summer.

She can't come to us with the inlaws, as she shouted at my DMIL years ago, calling her "common and ill mannered" (she is neither). DMIL has always said she is prepared to let bygones be bygones if my mother will apologise, so that they can move on. My mother has always refused to apologise, as she "doesn't see that what she did was so wrong - it's true, she is common."

I feel a bit that it is history repeating itself, as she refused to have her mother for Christmas, as she had a party on Christmas Eve every year and said her mother "would not have fitted in."

MrsSchadenfreude (to give you your full title!), I repeat, you have been far too saintly so far, time to put yourself and your family unit first. Honestly life is too short to spend with those enerrgy-sapping people, do you want to look back on Christmas as a time you were always stressed about your mother coming and what she would say and do. I'm not a militant "go no contact" type, but it works for some, or in any case get some strategies for dealing with her under your belt. You can't change her, only how you deal with her, cliché but true.
MIL is the same with her snide little comments. "Oh is your hair meant to look like that? I thought you just had it up like that while you did the cooking. Silly me! Though you can see why I thought that, can't you?".

Darkest...omg! I can imagine my mum doing that!
She is just so...unhappy. And bitter.
And I can't deal with it anymore.
My siblings do not seem to feel the same level of guilt that I do...in fact my sister regularly goes abroad for weeks at a time, without a Second thought for mum. Well...I'm here, aren't I?
I know she is,giving my brother money.
It's none of my business but she is a pensioner ffs!
You would think he would have had more integrity than that....

Tell her she can join you all for Christmas but must apologise to you MIL first.

I am another who felt from the title that you were indeed unreasonable but, having read the whole thread, yanbu at all. The silly nasty woman deserves to be alone. My dd has promised that I will never spend Christmas alone but I would never make a fuss if I had to and I would never, ever insult her inlaws or anyone else. As for the dc, they light up my life and I love playing with them.
I second the hamper idea.

She'd be lucky to get in my home if she had done that to me. You really are a saint. I'd be upfront and tell her she has to apologise and be civil or else she is alone for christmas. And remind her you will set people straight as to why she is not invited for Christmas.

OP YANBU!

Is it unreasonable just from the title?

Should an adult expect to go to their only child every year for Christmas?

MrsS, instead of looking at the situation as 'mum needing to come to us for Christmas as she's on her own', turn it around to 'my family and inlaws need a Christmas they will enjoy without mum ruining it for them'. In this case the majority should win, and you will all be more relaxed; I can imagine you just waiting tense and anxious for the first insult or toxic remarks from your mum on the day if she comes to you. Please do it for your DC's sakes, they shouldn't have to put up with her nastiness and deserve happy memories of their childhood Christmasses.

You say she would mostly ignore people and read, well she will be doing lots of that in her own home, where she can eat what she chooses and not be spoiling the day for everyone else.

She is a woman who has the capacity to do a lot of damage.

Adults may be able to handle that, your children can't.

Maybe you should start a thread about her in Relationships, it might help you find the strength to cut her out.

Doesn't matter that she is your mother - she isn't acting like one.

Firstly, I think your mother should go to Millipede's house for Christmas -goodwill to all men etc.

Millipede, I am sorry for the loss of your mother, but the OP's mother has deliberately wrecked every relationship with everyone she knows by persistently indulging in rude, spiteful and manipulative behaviour. Giving birth does not entitle you to a lifetime of treating everyone you meet like shit.

Secondly OP, anyone who calls a little child a 'manipulative little cow' has no place in your lives. Please don't feel guilty that your mother's own behaviour has created this situation- I was going to suggest when I first began reading that perhaps she and the inlaws could visit, but you've tried that already and your mother sabotaged it.

diddl I would hope that if I had an only child I would not be so selfish I could not accept they might have other commitments at Christmas sometimes.

OP, is that you sis? If so, I'm not having her again; last time she told DH to piss off when he tried to stop her flouncing off to open presents with just one of the four children. Of course, this was after she'd undermined two sets of parents over dinner and told DH that he was 'holier than thou'.

Joking apart, it makes me really sad that one person's behaviour stops our family from spending Christmas together. I cooked dinner for 14 for many years, but now it's just the five of us. I don't really look forward to Christmas any more .

Sounds like her behaviour has resulted in her having to spend christmas alone seeing as she can't get along with your PIL. Enjoy your mum free christmas and don't feel guilty as this sounds like its her own doing.

Bloody hell! I can't believe what she said to your then 2 year old!! I wouldn't feel guilty about not having her on Christmas due to this alone. I really do feel for you but remember, she has herself to blame for being so vile to everyone.

(I did have to laugh at even the Jehova hwitnesses don't knock anymore though)

Sorry, millipede but it takes more than giving birth to make you a mother. I wouldn't spend Christmas with mine again if you actually paid me money and she feels the same about me - but that's another story.

OP, YANBU, even just from the title, you have your own family and you're not obliged to have any parent. You're being more than fair. She will have to deal with it. If she were a different kind of mum then I might suggest you have her along with your inlaws but not in these circumstances.

Are people really suggesting you are never allowed to have your own Christmas because you're obliged to look after another grown woman?

I feel your pain, OP, since my MIL is just the same, thinking she can be rude whenever she wants, but god help you if you cross her or refuse to let her have her own way at all times - she only stopped doing it with me when I refused her the attention she wants by simply blanking her tantrums

I fully realise it's not easy, but the only possible answer is to refuse to engage. Tell her what's happening (such as you won't be with us this Christmas) then stick to it. Don't discuss or bargain; simply say how it's going to be, and when she rants, repeat ad nauseam "I'm sorry you feel that way"

She'll throw a strop, but she'd have done that at yours anyway, and at least this way your Christmas won't be ruined

MrsS is it a sense of guilt that makes you question whether you're BU?

I seem to have been blessed with an extremely high guilt threshold, so I find it hard to understand why someone would feel bad about telling such a nasty person that they are unwelcome because of their appalling behaviour.

Even if you don't do it for your own benefit, try to remember that you are excluding her for the benefit of the rest of your family and YANBU!!

No YANBU. She has made her own bed and she, at some point, needs to lie in it.

I would not have her at my house at any price, even if I knew it would be the last opportunity. Just because she gave birth to you doesn't give her the right to piss off your DH, your DDs, your PILs, her own siblings, and you at any given time because no one has ever told her what a spoilt bitch she is.

Let her have her time at home on her own - it's highly unlikely she'll believe it's entirely her own fault, and no doubt she'll berate you to anyone who'll listen - but since she's pissed off most of her acquaintance by the sounds of it, I think they'll either not be around to listen, or will be sympathetic to you!

She has made her own bed by acting like Mrs Scrooge.

Hopefully she will be visited by a few ghosts in the night...

How old is your mother ? What if this could be the last Christmas you could send together ? I would give my right arm to be able to have my mum for Christmas (passed over 20 years ) so, in answer to your question, yabu, she gave you life so d it's her right to be waited on hand and foot.

No it isn't her right! OP didn't ask to be born, that was a choice her mother made, it doesn't give her mother the right to be entitled to anything!

The fact that you would give anything to spend time with your mother means that you had a lovely mother & good/great childhood.

The op doesn't sound like she has a lovely mother, so she doesn't feel the same as you. Neither do I. I would give my right arm to never be in the same room as my mother again. We haven't spoken for 20+ years & when we did speak, she was exactly the same as the ops mother.

The op shouldn't pressured into entertaining a mother who sound utterly ungrateful just because that person decided to give life to her.

What a bizarre thing to say!

When do you go from being the mum who makes Christmas great for her family, cooks dinner, buys and wraps presents everything to become a burden that has to be passed around.

In order to help with any guilt you have about not inviting her:-

It could just as easily be your MIL's last Xmas. If you invite your "D"M then they will have the choice of spending Xmas with someone who is horrible to them and doesn't apologise, spending it alone or having to go cap in hand to your SIL and ask for an invite even though it isn't their turn. It is their turn so you shouldn't treat them that way.

Mrs is your mother Livia Soprano?

My Dm is similar: while listening tp some classc Sinatra/Eartha Kitt/Beverly Sisters type Christms music last year, "oh, you like this kind of music then, do you?" Well, not after you just shit on it."

She stayed a month when DS was 7days old. Same as yours: didn't lift a finger! We made all meals, all wadhing up, endless cups of tea. She sat in the sun with a book or dozed. She has been for DS' 1st and 2nd birthdays and been an anti-social frozen cow both times.

Last year, when DS was 2, we went to a Christmas market with some friends, she didn't speak to them but gave monosyllabic answers. We then went to he beach where we met Dh's family: dad, brother, sister and her same-age DD. We were all by some swings pushing the kids, digging sands, chatting, y'know generally having fun. My DM sat on another swing, on her own, 100m down the beach. For an hour.

She ruined DS's first Christmas (well, our first with him, he was 2 weeks old and won't remember!!), but I have an unspoken rule that she will never spend Christmas with us again.

for you, Badvoc and the others who have had similar problems x

"When do you go from being the mum who makes Christmas great for her family, cooks dinner, buys and wraps presents everything to become a burden that has to be passed around."

when you criticise & are nasty to hosts/other guests?

... she gave you life so it's her right to be waited on hand and foot

Unless this is a wind up, surely I'm not alone in finding it pretty chilling

Maggietheduck Obviously there are exceptions, but I've usually found that such people haven't somehow changed from a loving and treasured mum into something less attractive - many of them have always been this way, creating misery for others for most of their lives