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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my mother can't expect to come to us for Christmas every year?

191 replies

MrsSchadenfreude · 28/08/2014 17:56

I have told her that it is DH's parents' turn to come to us this year, and she had a hissy fit, asking me "Well where am I supposed to go?" and "Your DH has a brother - why can't they go to him every year?" (ignoring the fact that they also alternate and have SBIL's wife's parents every other year - her response to that was, well they can all go there together, can't they?")

Her brothers won't have her because "she ruins Christmas for everyone and never helps, just expects to be waited on hand and foot".

She has been to my cousin in the past, but my cousin has had a very tough year, losing both of her parents, and has said that she and her DH are going away on their own this year.

She has been away to a hotel with the friend that she goes on holiday with, but has fallen out with this friend since they went on holiday in the summer.

She can't come to us with the inlaws, as she shouted at my DMIL years ago, calling her "common and ill mannered" (she is neither). DMIL has always said she is prepared to let bygones be bygones if my mother will apologise, so that they can move on. My mother has always refused to apologise, as she "doesn't see that what she did was so wrong - it's true, she is common."

I feel a bit that it is history repeating itself, as she refused to have her mother for Christmas, as she had a party on Christmas Eve every year and said her mother "would not have fitted in."

OP posts:
Curlyweasel · 29/08/2014 11:25

Maggie - you don't. That's the point. And it's unlikely OP's DM was ever like that - I know mine wasn't. What does happen though is that they remember things wrong. They adopt this massive lack of insight. They act like martyrs. They become (as elquinto mentions), Livia Soprano personified.

differentnameforthis · 29/08/2014 11:31

OP, you wouldn't let a friend treat you like this, don't let her.

It is not your problem that she is horrible...you will feel better if you tail off this relationship!

differentnameforthis · 29/08/2014 11:31

When do you go from being the mum who makes Christmas great for her family, cooks dinner, buys and wraps presents everything to become a burden that has to be passed around.

The moment you start to treat your kids like crap!

RiverTam · 29/08/2014 11:37

OP, YANBU but why have you allowed her to be a part of your family for so long when her behaviour has been so vile to you, your DC, your DH and his family?

we used to have screaming and tears when they were younger, with "D"M sitting there innocently, saying "I only said..."

I found that quite upsetting, that even though you knew she was distressing your DC, you still allowed her into your house and life. You say your dad enabled her, but you are too. You need to (well, you already should have, sorry) protect your family from her.

Sorry, that sounds quite punchy and your mother does sound absolutely awful, but I found that statement really upsetting. Some things you can control.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 29/08/2014 11:52

When do you go from being the mum who makes Christmas great for her family, cooks dinner, buys and wraps presents everything to become a burden that has to be passed around.

I'd say calling your 2 year old grandchild a "manipulative little cow" probably was the tipping point.

Thumbwitch · 29/08/2014 12:59

And if it wasn't, it should have been.

bigTillyMint · 29/08/2014 14:00

When do you go from being the mum who makes Christmas great for her family, cooks dinner, buys and wraps presents...

I don't think MrsS's DM has ever been one of these mums.

MrsS, I hope that the posts from the vast majority of posters help you to see that you should not feel guilty about not inviting her. Easier said than done, but the word NO and unplugging the phone might helpWink

MsAstronaut · 29/08/2014 14:12

Oh MrsS. I can identify with a lot of this as my mum is similar. But the big difference is I nipped spending Christmas with her in the bud many years ago, not long after I left home, and she's had to accept it. I have enough problems with her (and often think I should have gone NC back then too) but at least Christmas isn't one of them thank f*ck.

Her behaviour has made you all so miserable, you should have absolutely no obligation to have her, ever. You would be within your rights to simply explain her behaviour is unpleasant and you don't want her spoiling Christmas. Yes it's blunt but nowhere near as hurtful as a lot of the appalling things she's said!

If you can't go that far, I think you could do as one poster suggested and tell her she'd be welcome if she apologises fully to your MIL and behaves decently throughout, and if she doesn't then that's it. If she says no, which you say she will, then you're off the hook surely. Because that's a totally reasonable condition.

phantomnamechanger · 29/08/2014 14:21

OP - have you ever tried writing a really heartfelt letter to your mum telling her how you feel? You could tell it exactly as it is and she would not be able to butt in, pull a strop, act the poor misunderstood fragile older lady and make you feel guilty. You might find it therapeutic. Theres an outside chance it might get through to her, though I would not hold my breath. (leopards/spots?)

You really do owe her nothing.
Enjoy spending Christmas with people you love and make you feel good, build good memories for your kids. Show them what a happy family Christmas is like.

You are NOT her social secretary, nor her skivvy, she can sort herself out, get a ready meal/go to a hotel/sign up for a church Christmas dinner. Even a church may not have her back a second year if she behaves atrociously!

girlywhirly · 29/08/2014 14:33

Just keep repeating that she will not be coming to spend Christmas with you. If she asks what will she do, you just tell her she will be free to do whatever she likes, just not at yours.

Is there any risk of her just turning up, even though you've said no?

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 29/08/2014 15:41

There's a marvellous line by Mary Renault: "She charged a high rent for 9 months lodging".

My DM chose discretion over valour when I picked up a knife during my last beating, and MIL was neutralised 20 years back by BIL & SIL when she was given a choice between outspokenness and never seeing her grandchildren again. No negotiation on either occasion, as the old relationship was over.

And they were nothing like as toxic as the OP's Mum.

mistlethrush · 29/08/2014 16:04

Would something like this help at all? If she wants to be waited on hand and foot she can be that way...

morethanpotatoprints · 29/08/2014 16:27

Hello OP she sounds like a nightmare and no way should you feel guilty for not having her every year.
Both my parents have gone now but had they been like your mum they wouldn't have been invited at Christmas.
I too suggest writing her a letter of how you feel and would include in the list all the possible people she has that she could visit.
Include all those she has fallen out with, including your mil, who knows she might get the message.
Good luck OP and even though I'd give anything to have one more xmas with my parents, would never have put my dc through this.

hollyisalovelyname · 07/09/2014 10:08

OP did you speak with your mother.
Any resolution?

BlackeyedSusan · 07/09/2014 10:18

she is an adult. adults are generally responsible for their own behaviour (illness excepting) she is reaping the consequences of her behaviour.

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 23/11/2014 01:10

Just found this again... she is coming to us. The ILs said they would prefer not to travel over Christmas, so are staying put. Both of her brothers died suddenly in September, within a week of each other, and my cousin is going back to Hungary to spend Christmas with relatives there (and no, she didn't want to take my mother!).

Fortunately she doesn't want to stay long - she will come on Christmas Eve and go the day after Boxing Day. We will grit our teeth and get through it, and plan something nice to do on the 28th when she has gone.

OP posts:
cheesecakemom · 23/11/2014 01:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

goingmadinthecountry · 23/11/2014 02:03

Feeling for you. I guess I loved my mum but she was definitely hard work. She would always judge. I must say, I don't miss her presence at Christmas now. I have reasons by the way before anyone shoots me down.

Plan something hugely chilled for when she's gone - it must involve champagne, behaving badly and spending too much on something entirely frivolous. At least, that was my coping strategy.

MillionToOneChances · 23/11/2014 02:13

Oh OP, are you ok with that? A PP asked what your husband's position is on all this?

I really hope your ILs haven't felt pressurized to bow out. I really feel for you.

Cerisier · 23/11/2014 02:20

I would be tempted to put a behaviour contract in front of her- break that and you're on the next bus/train.

She sounds horrendous.

FoxgloveFairy · 23/11/2014 06:33

Hi disgrace.....chromosome. My Mum used to slap me Round the face a fair bit. When I was 12, I slapped her back. She had to tell my brother to put me outside before she killed me, but she never did it again, funnily enough!

Chottie · 23/11/2014 07:00

I would be tempted to write to her too beforehand.

Do you really want your DCs to have their Christmas memories tainted by their GMs carryings on?

Mehitabel6 · 23/11/2014 07:09

Invite your ILs and just stay firm - don't get drawn into discussions- just tell her you are being fair and that is the way it will be.

Mehitabel6 · 23/11/2014 07:19

I think that Milli is quite wrong and is just reading her own situation into it. This mother didn't even have her own mother for Christmas because 'she wouldn't have fitted in' !! She is toxic. I would think twice about having her any Christmas without some rules first! There is no reason to let her push DH's parents out. (It could be their last Christmas too Milli- or don't they count?)!

Rebecca2014 · 23/11/2014 07:23

You sound like a very nice lady. How did she give birth to you? Your mother sounds toxic.

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