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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my mother can't expect to come to us for Christmas every year?

191 replies

MrsSchadenfreude · 28/08/2014 17:56

I have told her that it is DH's parents' turn to come to us this year, and she had a hissy fit, asking me "Well where am I supposed to go?" and "Your DH has a brother - why can't they go to him every year?" (ignoring the fact that they also alternate and have SBIL's wife's parents every other year - her response to that was, well they can all go there together, can't they?")

Her brothers won't have her because "she ruins Christmas for everyone and never helps, just expects to be waited on hand and foot".

She has been to my cousin in the past, but my cousin has had a very tough year, losing both of her parents, and has said that she and her DH are going away on their own this year.

She has been away to a hotel with the friend that she goes on holiday with, but has fallen out with this friend since they went on holiday in the summer.

She can't come to us with the inlaws, as she shouted at my DMIL years ago, calling her "common and ill mannered" (she is neither). DMIL has always said she is prepared to let bygones be bygones if my mother will apologise, so that they can move on. My mother has always refused to apologise, as she "doesn't see that what she did was so wrong - it's true, she is common."

I feel a bit that it is history repeating itself, as she refused to have her mother for Christmas, as she had a party on Christmas Eve every year and said her mother "would not have fitted in."

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 28/08/2014 21:42

Explain exactly why you let such a poisonous cow anywhere near your children.

She'd rot in hell first if she were my mother. (who I am sorry to this day never met my children- she would have loved them to bits and she wasn't any kind of 'cuddly' mum)

OfficerVanHalen · 28/08/2014 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsCampbellBlack · 28/08/2014 21:50

A contract! God, officervanhalen - I do like you Smile

Please do not have her for christmas and lordy, I'd be keeping contact to letters only.

OfficerVanHalen · 28/08/2014 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouTheCat · 28/08/2014 22:01

Don't have her for Christmas.

Have a turkey or a nice big ham. Grin

muffinino82 · 28/08/2014 22:02

What does your DH think about this? Because I tell you what, if someone called my mam common and ill-mannered, and was vile to her, me and my children although I don't have any there is no way I would have them in my house, let alone over Christmas, no matter who they were. Seeing as she hates your DH, and seemingly everyone, really, she should be pleased to be on her own.

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 28/08/2014 22:13

Muffin - she is civil to him now, but used to pick fights on every occasion. Until the time he couldn't stand any more and told her what he thought of her. She shut up then.

And yes, I did bawl her out for speaking to a two year old like that.

OP posts:
Hissy · 28/08/2014 22:20

I missed the comment to your 2yo!

game Over. utterly. bin the woman.

muffinino82 · 28/08/2014 22:21

she is civil to him now, but used to pick fights on every occasion. Until the time he couldn't stand any more and told her what he thought of her. She shut up then.

Good for him and good for you for bollocking her for speaking to your DD like that Grin Personally I wouldn't have her in the house and the fact that other family members have refused to entertain her at Christmas says a lot Shock

Nanny0gg · 28/08/2014 22:24

I'm glad you've both given her What For, but I still don't understand why you have anything to do with her. Especially at Christmas.

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 28/08/2014 22:40

I guess it's a guilt thing - she's still my mother... Sad

OP posts:
alemci · 28/08/2014 22:52

this is awful. why can't your db have her seeing if he is so wonderful.

couldn't you go to your ils so you're not there over Christmas. My mum is lovely so feel sorry for you.

you reap what you sow cliché springs to mind. was your dad nice?

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 28/08/2014 22:53

Dad was lovely but he wouldn't stand up to her and facilitated her behaviour.

OP posts:
BackspaceEnter · 28/08/2014 22:59

Just because someone has the same blood it doesn't give them the right to treat you like shit.

Summerisle1 · 28/08/2014 23:01

The act of giving birth does not confer a lifetime licence to be bloody rude, indolent, confrontational and generally badly behaved. So I'm sorry, but from what the OP says, I have no sympathy with her mother. If she ends up spending Christmas alone then she only has herself to blame.

Stick to your guns, OP and don't be guilt-tripped either.

WeHateAmy · 28/08/2014 23:04

She's lucky you ever let her in the house at any time.

mum9876 · 28/08/2014 23:06

Yes could you appeal to your db? Whilst my siblings will try to get out of it as much as they can (who could blame them), if I'm struggling with it they will step up and share the load.

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 28/08/2014 23:09

I don't have siblings.

OP posts:
mum9876 · 28/08/2014 23:21

Sorry I misunderstood. That's hard. I think you do need to set out your terms. Otherwise it will drive you mad.

PicandMinx · 28/08/2014 23:24

It's just another day. Your "D"M will probably be on her own tomorrow so why should Christmas Day be any different. Let her buy a frozen Bird Eye roast turkey meal. Let her eat it on her own and you can have a lovely day surrounded by people that love you.

LuluJakey1 · 28/08/2014 23:36

My mum died in January. She spent every Christmas with us and much as she drove me mad it was never with nastiness. She loved Christmas with us and I would love her to be here this year. So when I read your title my first thought was you were being unreasonable.

Now I have read the detail I can not see that you are being unreasonable. You are saying that if she could be decent to your PIL, be kind to her GC and show a bit of consideration for others, she would be welcome. The point is she can't. I don't think anyone has a right to impose themselves unconditionally on anyone else. If you were asking the same question about a long-term DP who you did not live with, no one would think you were BU. It is the mother thing that is bringing the guilt into play in daughters.

RaspberryRuffle · 28/08/2014 23:45

Oh MrsS you've been far too saintly having her for Christmas at all. She sounds like a complete nightmare. Not only does she not add anything to Christmas (or any other event) you would also be on tenterhooks. Honestly, don't put yourself, DH or DC through it.
I know feelings of guilt can be difficult to deal with, but there's a difference feeling guilty that your lovely mum who would do anything for you is alone, and then the type of mum that you, Badvoc, Curlyweasel and others, and my poor lovely DH have.
Would it help to release your own inner tiger mother and say to yourself that you are putting your DC first, you will not have their Christmas marred by her and her nasty behaviour, you will not have your DH or DPiLs Christmas ruined. And you know what, you are as important as they are so don't have your own Christmas spolit. Your mother's own behaviour has led to a situation where nobody wants to spend Christmas with her, she is the common denominator.
Don't bother with any offers of she can come at Christmas if she apologises, just don't go there. Posters suggesting that have luckily for them not had to deal with thsi type of person.

PS - Sorry but I also laughed at her being dried when she got out of the shower and am waiting for an opportunity to try this out on DH.

Darkesteyes · 29/08/2014 00:14

Badvoc i am the eldest female child of an Italian catholic mother.
I too have a DB who can do no wrong. my DM has never taken money from me. She has some bloody abhorrent views though.

eg " ppl only go to food banks because they dont want to work"

Then there is the victim blaming of abuse victims. Last weekend she was shouting at a police officer and nearly got herself arrested.

Badvoc Wine Thanks

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 29/08/2014 00:44

Raspberry - it is very stressful when she is there. DH always gets "ill" and disappears to bed!

She's very passive aggressive - eg "Is this how you like your Christmas cake?" "Yes it is." "Oh well, as long as you like it, I suppose that's OK. Don't you think it's a bit dark/odd to have cherries in a Christmas cake? No, no, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. But no, I don't think I will finish mine." "Why would I want a vegetable curry? Don't be ridiculous, I'm not a vegetarian!"

OP posts:
thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 29/08/2014 00:49

Send her a nice hamper with Christmas food, drinks, treats and some dvds and leave her to it (then she can't complain she wasn't fed etc and may make you feel a little less 'guilty' not that you bloody should be )

She's had plenty of chances - this situation is entirely of her own making.

You, your DH, your DC and your PILs deserve a Christmas without that sort of toxicness sat in the corner (I say this as someone with a couple of close relatives like that and the constant unnecessary shit is so tiring and damaging).