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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my mother can't expect to come to us for Christmas every year?

191 replies

MrsSchadenfreude · 28/08/2014 17:56

I have told her that it is DH's parents' turn to come to us this year, and she had a hissy fit, asking me "Well where am I supposed to go?" and "Your DH has a brother - why can't they go to him every year?" (ignoring the fact that they also alternate and have SBIL's wife's parents every other year - her response to that was, well they can all go there together, can't they?")

Her brothers won't have her because "she ruins Christmas for everyone and never helps, just expects to be waited on hand and foot".

She has been to my cousin in the past, but my cousin has had a very tough year, losing both of her parents, and has said that she and her DH are going away on their own this year.

She has been away to a hotel with the friend that she goes on holiday with, but has fallen out with this friend since they went on holiday in the summer.

She can't come to us with the inlaws, as she shouted at my DMIL years ago, calling her "common and ill mannered" (she is neither). DMIL has always said she is prepared to let bygones be bygones if my mother will apologise, so that they can move on. My mother has always refused to apologise, as she "doesn't see that what she did was so wrong - it's true, she is common."

I feel a bit that it is history repeating itself, as she refused to have her mother for Christmas, as she had a party on Christmas Eve every year and said her mother "would not have fitted in."

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyQS · 28/08/2014 19:36

She sounds like a person bereft of any self insight, so it is unlikely she will change and have a light-bulb moment.

There is nothing you can do. You are not responsible for her Christmas celebration, only your own.

Badvoc123 · 28/08/2014 19:36

Mil will no doubt ask about our Xmas plans soon (in fact amazed she hasn't already :))
I will chat to dh and (hopefully) present a united front.
I want to;
Stay at home.
Eat loads.
Not get dressed all day.
Watch trashy Xmas tv.

Badvoc123 · 28/08/2014 19:39

My mum either;
Says she has no memory of incident (it didn't happen)
Gives a totally different version of it (re tells history in her favour)
She criticises other mothers - and it takes all my strength not to shout
"That is you! You do/did everything you so despise in others and worse!"
But of course I don't.
I try to ignore as best I can.
Getting harder though.

LEMmingaround · 28/08/2014 19:43

I think crumbly has the right idea. She sounds jealous of the ils

phantomnamechanger · 28/08/2014 19:46

hahaha! if I told my DC that because I gave birth to them I deserved to be waited on hand and foot they would do this for a second -> Hmm and then piss themselves laughing, and rightly so!

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 28/08/2014 19:50

Badvoc, they are twins - mine is exactly like this. Especially the selective memory and retelling it the way she thinks it should have happened. I had to write a list of the years she had spent Christmas with us, as she said it had "only been twice" since I'd been married. In actual fact it was many more times, and the times she had "remembered" staying with someone else was before I got married and lived overseas.

OP posts:
CrumblyMumbly · 28/08/2014 19:53

Christmas is always a very emotive subject and a lovely one for emotional blackmail! It's easy to revert to child mode with toxic parents but I think you really have to stand up to her - either to come and behave (which sounds doubtful) or not come at all. I suppose it's a case of what do you have to lose? Also, if she 'wins' and comes again this year it's going to be the same every year... My brother always says 'we're having a quiet family Christmas' which means we aren't invited! (I'm not toxic honest he's just an antisocial git!). You could always go to the inlaws' house which would obviously mean your Mum can't go?

MrsDavidBowie · 28/08/2014 20:03

Oh I am so glad I do not have this crap to deal with at Christmas.

hamptoncourt · 28/08/2014 20:15

YANBU.

She has made her bed by being horrid to everyone, let her lie in it. Why should you or PILS have to suffer her nastiness?

Leave her to it. It would be nice to think she might reflect on her behaviour and improve so she doesn't spend another christmas alone but you and I both know that will never happen.

Badvoc123 · 28/08/2014 20:45

I try not to let it get to me but the holiday has brought things to a head tbh.
I do not enjoy her company.
She is hard work. She is difficult. She embarrasses me.
I feel so guilty even writing that down :(
She has a standing invite to Sunday lunch at my pils. She has been once. She would rather stay at home, alone and angry.
She criticised my sister and bil when she went on hols with them in January.
She is no doubt doing the same wrt dh and i since we got back.
She plays my siblings and I off against each other. Always has.
I am the eldest female child of an Irish catholic mother.
I will leave you to guess just how fucked up my childhood was :(

Poofus · 28/08/2014 20:57

Oh my word, I have your mother too. I have hardened my heart, and when she says "I shall be all on my own, then," I now cheerily say "yes, what a shame" and change the subject. I've had YEARS of trying to make everything perfect for her, and she hasn't appreciated it one bit. Now I have decided to make my life alit the bit easier by not having my mother for Christmas.

Poofus · 28/08/2014 20:58

A little bit easier, that should say. Bloody ipad.

Nanny0gg · 28/08/2014 21:07

How old is your mother ? What if this could be the last Christmas you could send together ? I would give my right arm to be able to have my mum for Christmas (passed over 20 years ) so, in answer to your question, yabu, she gave you life so d it's her right to be waited on hand and foot.

Nonsense. And my mother died 36 years ago if we're having a completion.
If I behaved like that my DC would be well within their rights to tell me where to go (and probably would!)

Original poster
MrsSchadenfreude · 28/08/2014 21:16

She is horrible to the DC too. DD2 showed her a drawing (DD2 is a pretty talented artist). DM said "What is it?" DD2 told her, with a Hmm face. DM then said "And are you pleased with it?" Yes, said DD2. "Well that's the important thing, isn't it - not what anyone else thinks." (DD2 is 13, it wasn't some unrecognisable scribble from a 3 year old.)

She plays the DDs off against each other, too - one of them is always the favoured child, and the other criticised constantly and can't do anything right. They call her Granny Doom. And fortunately are now old enough not to bite, but we used to have screaming and tears when they were younger, with "D"M sitting there innocently, saying "I only said..." I overheard her saying to DD2 when she was 2 "Mummy calls you her Sweetie, doesn't she? But you're not a Sweetie, are you? You're a nasty, manipulative little cow."

OP posts:
hollyisalovelyname · 28/08/2014 21:17

Badvoc are you me?
My mother was very good when she was younger but is very difficult now.
I have a db who can do no wrong Smile

Hissy · 28/08/2014 21:20

the other thing to consider..

say you were one of the ones this heinous DM has been a bitch to.

you watch as her DD (op) and/or her DH welcome this old bat into their hpmes again despite what she's done/said to you.

how does that make you feel? knowing that what this rude and nasty woman did wasn't enough to be challenged.

i'd feel I wasn't as important as a complete cow.. that'd hurt.

gertiegusset · 28/08/2014 21:27

Bloody hell MrsS, why on Earth are you bothering with her.

phantomnamechanger · 28/08/2014 21:33

I overheard her saying to DD2 when she was 2 "Mummy calls you her Sweetie, doesn't she? But you're not a Sweetie, are you? You're a nasty, manipulative little cow."

OMG!! how did you not kill her? or at least say cheerily from the next room "Yes DM, we were only saying yesterday how like YOU she is! HaHa" Then never have her in your home again!!!

Catzeyess · 28/08/2014 21:35

Shock MrsS she said what to your 2 year old?!

Badvoc123 · 28/08/2014 21:37

She's never been very good :(
I nursed her through 2 nervous breakdowns before I was 21.
She denies this ever happened. It was "panic attacks" apparently Hmm
When she had surgery I was the one kept off school to cook and clean take care of her.
Think the school knew the score but this was the 1980s and nothing was done, except a visit from the EWO.
I need to distance myself.
For my own sanity.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 28/08/2014 21:38

Shize! There are 364 other days in a year you could not have contact with her OP. I would bin her off out of my life pronto! She sounds like my grandmother a nightmare to be consigned to Christmas past.

BackspaceEnter · 28/08/2014 21:38

WTF, why is she even in your lives?!

tempnameforthis · 28/08/2014 21:40

Hey ho, sorry if I hit a nerve, its just the way I feel, I know so many people that could not be bothered with their parents when they were alive and bitterly regret things said and done after they died

Millipede, yes you hit a nerve, because there are a lot of people who are very quick to judge someone who doesn't want to have anything to do with a parent.

I didn't have any contact with my mother for most of my adult life, it was not a matter of 'could not be bothered' there were valid reasons for this, but most people didn't know the circumstances. Still they were very quick to judge and try to guilt trip me with 'it could be her last christmas ...' and 'you will bitterly regret' etc. etc.

But when my mother finally died the overwhelming feeling was that of tremendous relief that I never ever would have to deal with her again, never risked answering the phone to hear her voice and relief that all the pressure to conform to the Disney version of mother-daughter relationships was gone. There was no regret whatsoever, even though I hadn't talked to her for the last ten years of her life.

Curlyweasel · 28/08/2014 21:40

Fuck me she sounds psychotic! What a thing to say!

Sadly, some mothers arent very nice people. My DM died last Christmas and I have to say it was a relief to be rid of such a burden. I don't hate myself for saying that - I hate that I've been made to feel that way iykwim.

Be strong and hold your ground x x

Badvoc123 · 28/08/2014 21:41

Mrss...mum knows if she ever said anything like that to my dc she would never see me or them again.
I too have a brother golden child who can do no wrong.
He is nearly 40 and she still buys him food and gives him money to go out and for cigarettes. It's a bit pathetic really.
She took money off me from me being 14 years old. Even my babysitting money.
I couldn't afford deo, or decent knickers, or nice clothes.
I was bullied, of course.
Not that she cared.