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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that my mother can't expect to come to us for Christmas every year?

191 replies

MrsSchadenfreude · 28/08/2014 17:56

I have told her that it is DH's parents' turn to come to us this year, and she had a hissy fit, asking me "Well where am I supposed to go?" and "Your DH has a brother - why can't they go to him every year?" (ignoring the fact that they also alternate and have SBIL's wife's parents every other year - her response to that was, well they can all go there together, can't they?")

Her brothers won't have her because "she ruins Christmas for everyone and never helps, just expects to be waited on hand and foot".

She has been to my cousin in the past, but my cousin has had a very tough year, losing both of her parents, and has said that she and her DH are going away on their own this year.

She has been away to a hotel with the friend that she goes on holiday with, but has fallen out with this friend since they went on holiday in the summer.

She can't come to us with the inlaws, as she shouted at my DMIL years ago, calling her "common and ill mannered" (she is neither). DMIL has always said she is prepared to let bygones be bygones if my mother will apologise, so that they can move on. My mother has always refused to apologise, as she "doesn't see that what she did was so wrong - it's true, she is common."

I feel a bit that it is history repeating itself, as she refused to have her mother for Christmas, as she had a party on Christmas Eve every year and said her mother "would not have fitted in."

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 28/08/2014 18:43

I hope my children never feel like they have to have me when they can't/don't want to

I'm not picking on you princess as others have said along similar, but what I would hope is that I am never such an arsehole to my DC that they don't want me around. See how that works? If we respect our DC and treat them with kindness and consideration there won't be a reason for them not to want to see us unless they're just aresholes

This is one of biggest fears. My mother is toxic, I am NC and I worry every day that I am like her and alienating my DC. Both my mothers' DC live abroad, about as far away from her as you can get. My DB can put up with her and laughs her off, but I won't. I'm not missing out, and will have no regrets when she goes. Rather I will feel a weight lifted off my shoulders and will be able to relax when I travel home, knowing she won't ever be able to unexpectedly turn up to harrass me.

MrsCampbellBlack · 28/08/2014 18:43

I just told my children to get off the trampoline and start waiting on me hand and foot as I gave them life!

They're still on the trampoline.

MrsS - honestly, you can't let your mother ruin everyone else's christmas. It is not her turn, and repeat.

BackspaceEnter · 28/08/2014 18:43

Say no and make sure you unplug the phone on Christmas day. She sounds awful OP, don't let that toxic woman into your house ever again.

gertiegusset · 28/08/2014 18:45

Ignore Millipede, I lost my Mum recently, she always came to us at Christmas and we all loved her.
But we never had the outlaws because they are rude and mean and we don't speak!
How old is she btw?

SallyMcgally · 28/08/2014 18:45

I just told my children to get off the trampoline and start waiting on me hand and foot as I gave them life!

They're still on the trampoline.

Grin
whois · 28/08/2014 18:46

yabu, she gave you life so d it's her right to be waited on hand and foot

Riiiiight

Hissy · 28/08/2014 19:00

YANBU Mrs, I dare say if some of us unfortunate souls could have the DM we deserve instead of the nasty, rude, game-playing, manipulative ones we actually have, then Millipede's comments would be relevant.

sadly, they are not, are misplaced and shallow.

TELL your DM the truth, if she hadn't pissed everyone off, if she had apologised for being a complete cow to your MIL, and apologised for same to your DH, it'd be a different story.

but she hasn't. so until she does, there won't be ANY christmasses etc, you'd rather spend them alone - family only i- than with her sitting there spoiling it for everyone.

be blunt. what have you got to lose?

YouTheCat · 28/08/2014 19:01

My parents died years ago. I'd love to have one more Christmas with them. They were great. But it really isn't the same as having a crap parent who thinks they deserve waiting on and believes they can be rude and obnoxious to everyone.

mum9876 · 28/08/2014 19:04

I feel for you. You have described my dm. Luckily for me there are three of us so we rotate every year and I just write off enjoying one in three Christmases.

If it were just me I would definitely have to say no to her. I have started doing this with holidays and after the initial poor me, piling on the emotional blackmail, if I stand my ground she very quickly sorts herself out with another option. You'll probably find she makes up with her one of her friends (then falls out with them again over Xmas).

I have huge sympathy for you.

chockbic · 28/08/2014 19:06

I've no doubt she will try and make you feel guilty for not inviting her.

Then if you do she will revert to her default setting.

You cant win.

MrsSchadenfreude · 28/08/2014 19:10

Badvoc - I think we have the same mother. Grin

Mine does all of those things too. Sad

I was in the pharmacy with her once, the pharmacist was Asian, but clearly born and educated in the UK, and was explaining my Mum's medication to her. My Mum turned to me and said "What did she say? Did you understand her? I don't understand all these foreigners." (My grandparents were not British...) And her consultant at the hospital "She's Polish, but she's quite nice, although I always make out I can't understand what she's saying." (I told her the consultant probably thinks she is deaf.)

OP posts:
diddl · 28/08/2014 19:12

She hates your husband and has been rude to his parents.
Why should he have to ever have her in his house again??

gertiegusset · 28/08/2014 19:15

Sorry to Grin MrsS but your Dad used to dry her when she got out of the bath?
That is brilliantly awful, I shall have to ask DP to do this for me and see what he says! Grin

AlpacaMyBags · 28/08/2014 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 28/08/2014 19:20

Blimey OP, I feel for you, and Badvoc too. Have Wine and Flowers to go some way towards making reparation for having such shite mothers!

OP, do not give in and have her for Christmas, it's completely unfair on your DH and PIL, not to mention ruining Christmas for you.

Remember the MN Golden Rule: 'No' is a complete sentence.

MrsSchadenfreude · 28/08/2014 19:21

Yes, Gertie. I was like this Shock when she told me. At his funeral, her mother said "I'm surprised the poor bastard lasted this long, living with her."

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 28/08/2014 19:22

My mother is a prime bitch and I've had untold threads on here about her. But i couldn't stand the thought of her being on her own at Christmas.

I don't know what to suggest? Could you have your ils on boxing day? We always did this my parents on Christmas day dps on boxing day.

MakeMineAGuinness · 28/08/2014 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HermioneWeasley · 28/08/2014 19:25

Fuck that, I don't think I would let her in my house again, she sounds a nightmare

Badvoc123 · 28/08/2014 19:25

Yep. That's the sort if thing she would do.
Someone came up to us in the street after dad died to offer their (sincere) condolences.
She just walked off!
I was left talking to this poor woman who looked so mortified!
She did it to my cousin at the shops the other week. We were chatting and mum just walked off.
People do notice her behaviour...my cousin texted me the next day to ask if she was ok!
But it's never her....it's always everyone else!
I struggle to talk to her tbh. I try to keep it to basics...Weather, the kids, tv....sad really .(

LEMmingaround · 28/08/2014 19:27

Don't get me wrong i am no saint. My mother drives me to distraction. But i would feel so bad not having her would ruin my day anyway.

CrumblyMumbly · 28/08/2014 19:30

Right Mum, here's how it's going to be - you can come on Christmas Day but - you have to apologise sincerely to MIL, you have to muck in and help, play with the kids, be civil at least - if you can't be a grown up for one day then that is the last time you ever come. Let's enjoy the day together as a family.... That's it, then any snidey comments on the day are laughed off or pointed out - oh no Mum's off again - Happy Christmas. If things get very unpleasant - a quiet word or reiterate the previous warning. Show no weakness!

MrsSchadenfreude · 28/08/2014 19:32

She won't do it, Crumbly.

OP posts:
ruralmyth · 28/08/2014 19:35

Is she aware that her behaviour is so upsetting?
She sounds a complete nightmare TBH but I wonder if she has any insight.
Could you talk to her about it?

I certainly wouldn't want her coming for Christmas but I think I'd offer her an explanation. With examples.
She's got time for reflection & when if she see's how difficult she's been has time to make amends.
It's either that or be lonely on her own.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/08/2014 19:36

Do not let FOG - fear, obligation, guilt trip you up over your mother.

Your mother should not ever visit your house ever again. Her behaviour has caused much upset and distress to people. Toxic people like her never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. She only has herself to blame.

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