in thinking breastfeeding needn't mean martyring yourself?

[kentishgirl]

Hi - sorry to start yet another bf thread, and I realise this might be contentious, but so many of the bf threads on here make me look like . I realise I'm probably a bit out of date with current thinking on all this, but bf sounds like so much hard work these days...and a little bit of me thinks some bf mums kind of enjoy being a martyr and it's competitive about how hard and such a sacrifice etc etc. This is not about mums who find it physically difficult or impossible to bf.

I bf in the 80s for 11 months. Babe had the odd bottle of formula if I wasn't around.

What puzzles me a bit is this stuff, that I read about on here a lot. Is this the reality now of bfing for everyone/most mums, or is this a minority who just talk about it a lot?

Cluster feeding - having a baby whacked on to you nearly non stop for weeks. Er...this wasn't 'a thing' when I bf. Sometimes babies were hungrier than other times. But no one sat there constantly bfing. Feeding on demand was a thing - but flexibly and not to the exclusion of being able to live a normal life. It just meant it wasn't feeding strictly to the clock. You expected to feed roughly every 2/3 hours within a couple of weeks once feeding was established.

If a baby cried, then it wasn't assumed to be hunger. You'd think 'well I only fed him half an hour ago', check nappy, play, distract, give water, is baby tired etc. It was accepted that there are times that babies just plain old cry. It's an easy solution to pop them on the breast, but it wasn't seen as their really needing a feed.

Longer and bigger bfs - it sounds like babies are on and off the breast all the time for a few mouthfuls these days. We used to do a good feed, if baby started nodding off or losing interest, you'd tap their cheek/stimulate them to get them feeding again. So you'd have a more 'normal' spacing between feeds, they didn't on the whole get hungry again a short time later.

Is it just me, or just the threads I read, that make it sound like every time a bf baby squeaks these days it's straight on to the breast, and there are women who literally have no life of their own or time of their own for months on end, because of this? And isn't this awfully off-putting to new mums about starting to breastfeed?

I know more mums start breastfeeding these days, and that's great. But so many drop out and switch to formula instead, whereas I think in the past, a higher proportion of those who started breastfeeding, continued with it. Is the new 'baby led' attitude to bf a bit of a double edged sword because of this? More try, but it's harder, so more have to give up?

Funny, because I'm sure I didn't dream all the threads which said how unrealistic depictions of bf had led to them stopping before they wanted to and that people should be more honest about how hard it could be .

I guess you're damned by someone whatever you do or say.

I think YANBU, and I'm a bfing mum. My daughter never had formula, though I appreciate its need.

I do understand cluster feeds, growth spurts etc. But mums who will absolutely never pump/express or even entertain the thought of giving a bottle or cup of bm or otherwise because their babies absolutely must be exclusively bf do tend to make life hard for themselves.

I have bf 3dc - 2 of them well past 12 months - and found it hard the first time, but loved it the second and third times. I dealt with cluster feeding, growth spurts, etc and dcs 2 and 3 would not accept a bottle at all, so it was all down to me. I think the big difference was with dc1 I had higher expectations of getting back on with my life, I resented being stuck on the sofa and up a lot during the night and found it hard to never be able to leave the house alone. I knew what to expect when I had dcs 2 and 3 - I didn't fight the hardships and found ways to make them easier ( like having lots of things lined up to watch when stuck in the sofa for hours in the evening) and I found the whole experience much more enjoyable. I could definitely be accused of being a bit if a martyr the first time, but I actually really enjoyed bf in the end.

If your there you BF child to sleep

But what if your toddler wakes up often during the night and wants bf back to sleep, despite them eating a normal and varied diet during the day? Isn't that excessive? it certainly would be for me if the child was otherwise healthy, for I certainly wouldn't be!

"do tend to make life hard for themselves"

But that's fine isn't it? It's their life.

Sorry that reads very poorly! On my phone and brain is all clouded by an awful cold!

If you want to feed your toddler in the night you can, if you don't then don't! I really don't understand why anyone is so bothered about what other people do with their children.

I was never stuck on a sofa. I had other DC and myself to look after I couldn't and never needed to feed all day.

My mum breastfed me in the late 1960s. I cried non stop for the whole 6 months, day and night. Tbh she could really have done with the internet to tell her that a 4 hourly routine didn't work for bf babies, but all she had was a doctor who said "Well just formula feed her then."

Hollie

Indeed it's their life and their choice. But read a few threads on here where the bfing mum can't go anywhere without their baby because "what if they need to feed"?

Or, they complain that they never go anywhere because they're always at home bfing and wondering if things get easier.

Again, of course it's their choice. But there are options.

Yabu!
I bf and my baby wants to feed every 2 hours for about 10 minutes, which is how it's been since the beginning. He's nearly 6m now and is starting to feed less frequently, which is nice for me. I've so far not had any problems apart from it being a bit painful in the beginning, but not so painful that I've wanted to swap. I don't put him on the boob unless it's been about 2 hours as it's very rare he's hungry again before then. If he isn't happy regardless, I will, because it does happen he's hungry sooner - but it's rare.

I don't think it's about being a martyr whatsoever, and think you're either ignorant or misunderstood.

The rates weren't low because of anxiety it's because people thought it was disgusting according to my mum who had 70s/80s babies and breastfed and you were made to leave the room to feed
My mil who had babies in the 60s and thinks it's disgusting too. I lost count of the amount of times she told me this and how many times she said 'that child is starving, give it a bottle' every single time the baby even murmured

Martyrs will find any medium to martyr themselves over. Some mothers martyr themselves over breast feeding, some over having to work around their child, if they want to "suffer for the cause" they'll find a way.

I really don't care how someone chooses to feed their baby or raise their child. I just don't want to hear any whining about it. If BFing is so hard switch to FF, you're not a hero for sticking to the breast. With advances in technology and science, there's very little difference between a BF and a FF child.

Uh-oh... you said it now Tikimon

The pitch forks will be out in force (but I agree)

It's ridiculous to say people shouldn't complain if they find aspects of parenting hard. What if they switch to formula feeding and find that hard? Should ffers who find it expensive or inconvenient just stop feeding the baby entirely maybe?

Tikimon I utterly refute that. It's not about being a martyr. I struggled with bf (baby wouldn't latch so I had to exclusively pump for the first few months). It's not as simple as not moaning about it or just ff. I was determined to do it, I worked very fucking hard and successfully bf for almost a year in the end. I'm neither a hero nor a martyr. It was my choice to do it and I did and I now offer advice to women in a similar position.
So don't you dare tell me not to moan simply because I wanted support with my choice. It's not your business to tell me to to stop moaning and just ff. Telling women to stfu because they find it difficult is downright nasty. Maybe so many women struggle because they don't get support they need. So- with respect- you are the one who should stfu and allow them to seek support.

Should ffers who find it expensive or inconvenient just stop feeding the baby entirely maybe?

They should stop whining about it. If it's truly too expensive they can get gov. assistance. If not, it's not a secret that babies are expensive.

How you feed your child is simply a choice. Pure and simple.

If you got rid of any posts with any complaining about any aspects of parenting from MN it would be a lot less busy...

Guybrush Asking for support and whining/martyring yourself isn't the same thing. I think you're intelligent enough to understand the difference.

I'm sorry to say it but you sound a little like my MIL when I was bfing DS. She bf in the early 70's and kept repeating her mantra- IN MY DAY every 4 hours, 10 minutes each side- at me. Telling me not to give in to DS, making a rod for my own back, women these days have too little to do etc etc etc.

What MIL didn't tell me was that DH had the same slightly immature bowel DS had, was underweight and the GP told her to stop bfing and wean him at 3 months. If I'd followed her rules we would have more than likely ended up in the same situation.

In my (limited) experience babies don't 'just plain cry'. Of course I realise that's not the same for all babies, but I BF on demand and didn't try and force a routine and DD rarely cried (still doesn't at nearly 10mo). There wasn't anything that couldn't be solved with a breast feed, a nappy change or a nap.

Tikimon you are right it's not the same. But it is subjective.