To ask you all for your favourite bad joke?

[differentkindofpenguin]

I'm sorry for terrible misuse of AIBU but I'm in work, I'm annoyed, I'm stressed and I have a million things on my mind. I need cheering up!

Here's mine

What's green and brown and if falls out of a tree it can kill you?

A snooker table

What's brown and sticky? A stick

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he kneaded (needed) a poo!!

(works better in RL )

DP and I have a whole series of them.

You know what most people don't realise?

Their life's ambitions.

You know what I just can't get over?

A 12 ft wall.

You know what I just don't get?

Cable television.

Have you heard about the new 007 Viagra?

It makes you Roger Moore!

You know what I just can't see?

Polar bear in a blizzard.

PedantMarina, can you please come and live with me?

I dunno, penguin , do you snore? DP does...

Jesus was facing an angry mob who were about to stone the woman taken in adultery. He said to them, 'let the person who is without sin cast the first stone.' A stone flew out of the crowd, at which Jesus said, 'Oh for God's sake Mum...'

Only when very pregnant, but I'm not doing that anymore!

DP snores like a hippo though.

I might have to leave DP anyway. He's getting a bit above himself.

DP: "I reckon I'm some sort of sun god..."

Me: "That's very Ra of you."

DH thinks being a dad gives him a divine right to dad jokes. Terrible, awful, painful dad jokes

I think that's why DP was so keen to be a Dad, as well.

Did you hear the one about the blackberry jam?
I'd tell you, but you'd spread it around!

What is the difference between a snow men and snow women?
Snow balls!

What's better than roses on a piano?
Tulips on an organ!

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they arrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Farting in a lift is wrong on so many levels

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

You need to be alert.

Britain needs more lerts.

I just came home from a once-in-a-lifetime trip.

I tell ya, I'm never doing that again...

What did the zero say to the eight?

'Nice belt!'

OK, daisychain you've done it now!

What's a pirate's favourite designer label?

Me 'ask me if I'm a fireman'

Other person 'are you a fireman'

Me 'no'

Must be said in straight voice