To ask you all for your favourite bad joke?

[differentkindofpenguin]

I'm sorry for terrible misuse of AIBU but I'm in work, I'm annoyed, I'm stressed and I have a million things on my mind. I need cheering up!

Here's mine

What's green and brown and if falls out of a tree it can kill you?

A snooker table

What has four legs and barks?

A dog.

A font walks into a bar. The barman says, 'Sorry, we don't serve your type in here'.

Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, 'Can you smell fish?'

What did the cheese say when it looked at itself in the mirror?

Halloumi!

Why did Karl Marx only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

My old boss used to tell this one all the time and now I do it myself before a long journey.

Q. What did William the Conqueror say to his men before they got in the boats?

A. Get in the boats, men.

(He told it so often it became funny because of that).

Think I might win with this one:

Man was completely obsessed with tractors. Tractor pictures on the wall, model tractors everywhere, tractor t-shirts, tractor pyjamas, cuddly tractor on the bed etc. Eventually his wife has had enough and tells him "This isn't normal. It's me or the tractors." So he gets rid of the lot and promises to behave like everyone else from now on.

To celebrate they go out to dinner. Half way through the meal they hear a commotion and it turns out the kitchen has caught fire. The man rushes to the kitchen door, and inhales deeply several times. Miraculously, all the oxygen is removed from the room and the fire goes out immediately.

"My God!" exclaims the Maitre D, "I have never seen anything like that before! How did you do it?"

"Didn't you know?" says the man "I'm an ex-tractor fan."

What do you called a deer with no eyes?

No eye-deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eye-deer.

I'm Irish. Am I allowed to tell an Englishman, Scots man, Irish man joke? Or will the thread police tell me off?

HOw do you get Pikachu on a bus?

Pokemon!

My favourite joke ever the only one I can ever remember

An Englishman, an Irishmen and a Scotsman walk into a bar and the bartender says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a gin" ... ... ...

"And tonic please"

Barman says "why the big pause"

Bear holds up his paws and says "because I'm a bear"

A guy is standing at the bus stop on his way to work.

His friend pulls up in a car and says, "Oi John, do you want a lift?"

He says, "No thanks mate. I might miss my bus".

I have a couple....

What do you call a fly with no wings?
.
.
.
A walk.

A man walks into a bar with a long strip of tarmac. He says to the barman "I'll have one for me, and one for the road...."

What do you call someone with no body and a nose?

Nobody knows!

Oh, well. The answer to mine is - an Irish electrician .....

What did the farmer day when he lost his tractor?

Where my tractor?

Q)What did the big chimney say to the little one?
A) you are to young to smoke.

My dd's first joke:
Q: Why did the orange go to hospital?
A: Because it wasn't peeling very well!

I like grandfather clocks. Big time.

A bloke goes into a corner shop and starts throwing around the butter, milk, yoghurts and cheese. Two ladies are watching and one says to the other indignantly "How dairy!"

What goes from green to red at the flick of a switch?

A frog in a liquidiser

John and Steve are walking down the road, when a truck carrying turf drives by.

John: "That's what I'm going to do if I ever win the lottery".

Steve: "What?"

John: "Send my lawn off to be mowed".

A gorilla walks into a cafe and sits down. The waitress is surprised, but thinks to herself he seems clean and friendly, so what the Hell and takes him over a menu. The gorilla orders a banana milkshake without looking at it. The waitress brings it over and he sits and drinks it quietly. He then walks to the till and hands her a ten pound note to pay. The waitress thinks to herself he's a gorilla, what's he going to know about money? so she only gives him two pounds change which he puts straight into his pocket. As he's leaving she calls out to him "nice to see you sir, we don't get many gorillas in here". He turns round and replies.....

"I'm not fucking surprised at eight quid for a banana milkshake"

Thankyouandgoodnight.

Most people think that if a snail didn't have a shell it would move faster.

But it would actually make it more sluggish.

"Sluggish"!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha