To ask you all for your favourite bad joke?

[differentkindofpenguin]

I'm sorry for terrible misuse of AIBU but I'm in work, I'm annoyed, I'm stressed and I have a million things on my mind. I need cheering up!

Here's mine

What's green and brown and if falls out of a tree it can kill you?

A snooker table

@YellowTulips.

What's green red and brown?

The same frog, three weeks later.

Man to dr 'I want some of those steroids that make your penis big'

Dr ' anabolic?'

Man 'no just my penis'

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

A woodworm walks into a bar and asks 'is the bar tender here?'

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It was collecting dust.

source: Tim Vine.

What do you call a French man wearing sandals

Philippe Follop

Are you still with us penguin, hopefully a bit less stressed if nothing else

2 buckets of sick walking down the road, one suddenly stops and gets teary, "Whats up mate?" Says the other. "I was brought up round here"

What do fish pick their noses with?

Fish fingers.

Black tarmac walks into a bar, as he's talking to the barman in walks red tarmac. Black tarmac says to the barman "oooh don't serve that red tarmac, nasty stuff" "Why?" says the barman, "well", replies black tarmac "He's a cyclepath! psychopath"

How do you make a dog drink?

Put it in a blender

A man walks into a bar - ow!

What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? Doug.
What do you call a man without a shovel in his head? Douglas.

A man walks into a bar with a bit of the M25 on his shoulder; he says "I'll have a pint for me and one for the road.."

The manager of the posh hotel was getting more and more irritated by the convention of board game enthusiasts cluttering up the lobby, so he strode over and asked them to kindly take their loud tales of victory and check-mates elsewhere.

They protested they weren't annoying anybody, to which the manager replied: "Oh yes you are! I've had a lot of complaints about you chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Too early for a Yule-themed one?

Never too early, Pedant!

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?

Nacho cheese.

What cheese can you use to disguise a small horse?

Mascarpone.

I love cheese.

what do you call a spanish changing room attendant?

senor bum

camembert haaar

"seen your bum" by the way

Notice outside a pub says: "Pub Lunch -a pie, a pint and a kind word".

Man enters the pub and pays for a Pub Lunch. Stoney-faced waitress brings him a pie and a pint. Man prompts her: "And the kind word?" She replies: "Don't eat the pie".

I went to a zoo the other day.

There were no animals.

It was a shitzu.

What do you do with a rubber trumpet?
Join the elastic band.

Why did the mushroom have so many friends?
Because he was a fungi to be with.

I had a long standing girlfriend. I asked her to sit down.

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Horse walks into a bar. Barman asks, "Why the long face?"

Why did the computer catch a cold?

because it left its Windows open

Why did the computer catch a cold?

because it left its Windows open