To ask you all for your favourite bad joke?

[differentkindofpenguin]

I'm sorry for terrible misuse of AIBU but I'm in work, I'm annoyed, I'm stressed and I have a million things on my mind. I need cheering up!

Here's mine

What's green and brown and if falls out of a tree it can kill you?

A snooker table

A farmer has a field full of cows and a bull. One day there is a huge earthquake. Once it is over the farmer rushes to the field to find all the cows have fallen over, but the bull remains standing.
He goes over to the bull and asks why he is still standing when all the cows have fallen over.
The bull replies "Oh that's because, We bulls wobble but we don't fall down!"

You might think a pirate's favourite letter is R, but his true love be the C!

Why does noddy have a bell on his hat?

Because he's a cunt.

Why do elephants have big ears?

Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

Do you know what an agriculturalist is?

It's a farmer outstanding in his field...

What is the difference between a circus sideshow and a striptease?

A sideshow is a cunning array of stunts...

Think about it

What do you get if you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and thrush?

An itchy twitchy twat

senor bum
"seen your bum"

It only works in a bad accent, as it should be señor, not "senior".

Why are quantum physicists bad lovers?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

Six out of seven dwarves aren't happy!

Two atoms are walking down the street. One atom says to the other, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!" The other says, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm positive!'

A man walked into a bar......
Ouch!

A man walks into a bar with his giraffe, who lies on the floor and falls asleep. After many rounds the man is so drunk he decides to call it a night. On his way out the barman shouts. 'Hey! You can't leave that lying around here!'
The man replies it's not a lion it's a giraffe!

A three legged dog walks (limps) into a bar in the old west. He says to the barman, 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw'.

I heard Suggs on Radio 4 the other week, complaining about the lack of female representation in the House of Commons. It's Madness gone politically correct, I tell you.

What's the first sign of madness? Suggs coming up the driveway.

What do you call a donkey with three legs?
A wonkey.
What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye?
A winky wonkey.
What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye who can play the piano?
A honky tonky winky wonkey.

Feeling better now?
Hope we've all helped!

Doctor: You need to stop masturbating.
Patient: Why?
Doctor: Because I'm trying to examine you.

lweji i know this

Why are there no aspirins in the jungle?
Because the parrots-et-em-all

Love this thread! Lots more bad jokes here.

I like this one.

What do we want?
LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES!
When do we want them?
NNNEEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWwwwwwwww…

What's ET short for?
Because he's only got little legs.

How do you get two whales in a mini?
Straight down the M4 and over the Severn Bridge. (If you're coming from the SE that is!).
(To Wales, geddit?)