To ask you all for your favourite bad joke?

[differentkindofpenguin]

I'm sorry for terrible misuse of AIBU but I'm in work, I'm annoyed, I'm stressed and I have a million things on my mind. I need cheering up!

Here's mine

What's green and brown and if falls out of a tree it can kill you?

A snooker table

What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy?
Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium (or CHoCoLaTe)

Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball?
He had no body to go with

Why did the bubblegum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chickens foot!

A little extra to the deer joke:

What do you call a deer with no eyes-no idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs-still no idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals-still no fucking idea

Only on mumsnet can I post that!!!!

Oh god I love these.

Did you hear about the constipated maths teacher? He worked it out with a pencil.

Where the does king keep his armies?
Up his sleevies!

DH is rolling eyes and cringing at these...

Same man who saw two wood pigeons shagging on the roof yesterday and came out with " those are getting all lovey dovey... "

why did tigger have his head down the toilet?

He was looking for pooh.....

What goes baaa woof - a sheepdog...

what is green and dangerous - a frog with a hand grenade

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Euripides.
Euripides who?
You rippa dese trousers,you menda dese trousers....(strong Italian accent needed!)

Past, present and future walk into a bar. It was all kind of tense.

Like most people my age, I'm 25 [or insert your age here]...lol really stupid one but makes me guffaw

What would happen if you poured self-raising flour onto an orphan?

Why won't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.

What did the cannibal say to the man? I passed your sister in the street the other day (gross )

Doctor, doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?
Limp.

Doctor, doctor, I think I'm invisible.
Sorry, I can't see you right now.

Doctor, doctor, nobody ever listens to me.
Next!

Doctor, doctor, I feel dizzy for the first half hour after I get up. What should I do?
Get up half an hour later.

Doctor, doctor, I accidentally ate my pillow.
Don't be so down in the mouth.

What's tall, hairy, lives in the Himalayas & does 500 sit-ups a day?

The Abdominal Snowman.

What's the difference between a bird & a fly?
A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.

What's the difference between a coyote & a flea?
One howls on the prairie & one prowls on the hairy.

What succeeds?

A toothless budgie

Boom boom

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains
for goodness sake, pull yourself together

Sorry to ride off the back of your sparkling Doctor, Doctor repertoire, loon, it just made me remember this one (highly likely from DS's joke book, but hey any port in a storm)

What did the earwig say, when he fell off a log?
'eer-wigo again

At this rate, we will have enough jokes to fill our MN Christmas crackers!

My favourite (which I have taught my children to ask unsuspecting adults)

What's pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff

What do you call a Frenchman who's been mauled by a bear?

Claude.

What's a few inches long, purple and has a vein running through it?

A twenty pound note!

According to the Sigmund Freud, what is between fear and sex?

Funf

I'm having a great wee giggle at these

Keep them coming ladies.... My week is going from bad to worse!

What's a muslim's favourite meat?

Is lamb.

What do you call a woman with a sun lamp on her head?

Tanya.

Two East German spies go into a pub in England. Having seen James Bond films, they order martini.

"Dry martini?" asks the barman.

They shake their heads. "Zwei martini".

DH and DW went to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes DH lets rip a humungous fart.

DW rolls over and growls, "What was that?"
DH replies proudly, "GOAL, I'm ahead, 1-nil !"

A few minutes later DW lets rip a scorcher fart.
DH says, "Crikey, wazzat ?" She replies "SCORE, 1-1"

DH lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he accidently craps in the bed.
DW asks, "Wtf ?"
DH replies, "Half-Time, now switch sides."

What type of bees make milk?

Boobees! (boobies)