To ask you all for your favourite bad joke?

[differentkindofpenguin]

I'm sorry for terrible misuse of AIBU but I'm in work, I'm annoyed, I'm stressed and I have a million things on my mind. I need cheering up!

Here's mine

What's green and brown and if falls out of a tree it can kill you?

A snooker table

I'm still here! Been in bed all day, what a surprise to wake up to! :)

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. Man orders a drink, giraffe lies down on the floor. Man finishes the drink and goes to leave, barman says, hey, you can't leave that lying here!

Man turns around and says, it's not a lion, it's a giraffe!!

Did you hear about the Maths teacher with constipation?

He had to work it out with a pencil.

worst joke ever - according to DD (12) -

What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?

Cinderelephant.

What's yellow and smells like a banana? Monkey sick!

That has been my favourite joke since I was about 6. I am most attached to it

Do you remember the guy who invented cats' eyes?

If rhe the cat had been facing the other way he'd have invented the pencil sharpener! !

Ken Dodd

Don't be a lert, the country's got enough lerts. Be a loof.

Why did the punk cross the road?
Because he was stapled to the chicken.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.

Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
So they can hide upside down in the custard.

Man went to the Doctor's with a strawberry on his head
Doctor says I can give you some cream for that.

Man went to the doctor.
Doctor, every time I move my arm like this, it hurts

Doctor: well don't do it then.

Tommy Cooper

Paddy and Jimmy are walking down the road when Paddy falls down a manhole. Paddy to Jimmy 'call me an ambulance' Jimmy to Paddy 'you're an ambulance'

Im my younger days I used to work in a garden centre, One day we had Michael J Fox come in. At least I think it was him, but he did have his Back To The Fuchsias

alsmutko see you like telling science jokes, I likee to tell bad chemistry jokes, but only periodically.

sharon that reminds me of this one (equally politically incorrect, sorry ):
Paddy and Jimmy are cycling down the road, Paddy hits a pothole, comes off his bike and is knocked unconscious. Jimmy phones for an ambulance and says "what can I do, what can I do?" so the controller tells him to support Paddy's head until the ambulance gets there.

Ambulance turns up to find Jimmy standing by Paddy, clapping loudly and shouting "Paddy's head! Paddy's head!"

Oh oh yes to science jokes!!!!

What do you call policeman's overtime pay?

Copper night rate

I made a date with a beautiful Dutch girl. Have to admit, I really admired her inflatable footwear.

Imagine my heartbreak when she popped her clogs.

Did you hear about the Spanish fireman whose wife gave birth to twins?

They called the first born Jose.
And his brother hose B.

How do you comfort the grammar police?

"There, They're, their"

Now twinjocks i really love your joke. But i was thinking mine was definitely an aural joke and posted anyway. Yours is a definite visual joke which is unusual for jokes. I love their juxtaposition. Anyway just musing, as you were....

BringMeTea you're right - I was thinking as I was typing my joke that it only works when it's written down! Got it in my son's new secondary school journal - large section about grammar!

I went to the zoo the other day but it only had a dog...
..it was a shih tzu.

What goes tick tick woof? A watch dog..

Hahahaha Thumb love it

I told my daughter the 'what do you call a fly with no wings? A walk' one and she shook her head and said mum you're jokes are bad

What do you call a man with no arms and legs in the ocean? Bob

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? - Eileen

What do you call a man with a block of wood on his head? - Edward

What do you call a man with 3 blocks of wood on his head> - Edward Woodward

They say follow your dreams......unfortunately my dreams involve a naked Dot Cotton & jelly.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...