Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I nearly killed myself today

476 replies

PepsiTwirl · 25/08/2014 23:48

Really sorry but put here for traffic.

I put it in mental health a couple of hours ago but noone responded.

I was going to kill myself , but just as I was about to take tablets, my partner walked in.

DP knows I'm having a hard time, but not this hard.

We spoke for abit, and cried together. DP now asleep and need to talk

(I added a symbol to a random thread to make sure name change had worked)

OP posts:
DanielSan · 26/08/2014 00:47

I'm so sorry that that happened to you, pepsi, it was not your fault. Believe that people can and do get through this, as will you, but you can't do it on your own xx

DD85 · 26/08/2014 00:51

Hi Pepsi. I've been feeling a lot like you are lately. I'm struggling with sleep too so maybe we can help each other tonight, I could do with the company.

Original poster
PepsiTwirl · 26/08/2014 00:52

DD85 - Read and take the advice here!

OP posts:
FunkyZebraHat · 26/08/2014 00:53

Pepsi, if you don't feel like you could ring the Samaritans, what about emailing them [email protected] if you didn't want to write anything out you could copy and paste what you've written in your OP.

CautiousVisitor · 26/08/2014 00:55

Pepsi, I have felt very low with depression at certain points in my life and I know why you feel like you would be a burden. I remember feeling like I had no right to bother other people with my feelings because I was convinced that I was a worthless person, who brought nothing to the world and people around me.

But I was wrong, and if that's what you're thinking, you are also mistaken. You are worthy and important and you as a person matter. Please believe us all when we say that. You matter and you deserve help and the people who love you would leap to give it to you if you asked them for it. You deserve their help.

CautiousVisitor · 26/08/2014 00:56

DD85

Hang in there. Everything that's been written to Pepsi applies to you too. You belong in this world and you need to stay in it because it would be a poorer place without you.

HumblePieMonster · 26/08/2014 00:56

hi pepsi.
that 'must go now' feeling passes. i know it does. you just have to do is stay alive, keep breathing, and it will pass.
your loved ones want you with them. you are in the world for a purpose.
keep breathing. it hurts so much, numb-pain, but it passes.

Ludoole · 26/08/2014 00:57

You arent a burden on anyone. You need someone to help you.
Theres help out there. Please dont leave those who love you. There IS help available.
Ive felt the same but its not the solution.
You deserve to be happy.

CautiousVisitor · 26/08/2014 00:59

Pepsi, what can we do right now to help you? Do you want to talk about your feelings, or do you just want to chat - about anything - to get you through this night?

triplets · 26/08/2014 01:02

Pepsi you have lived 21 years knowing what happened to you as a child. I can imagine all the latest media cover like the Rolf Harris case has disturbed you, it must have. Pepsi I belong to a book club and at our last meeting we were all talking about Rolf Harris. Suddenly one of my friends who is in her 60s suddenly told us she had been abused as a child by a close friend of her family. She had never told another soul, but suddenly told us. There was a silence, we were shocked but she looked at us and simply said "there Ive said it". I do not know if she has told her dh or her own family now, but I feel it was a huge relief to say it, let it out after all those years. Its like you have just told us now, you were a child, it was not your fault. When Matthew died a friend who had also lost her daughter gave me a book to read, it was by Gabriel somebody, a prophet. I have never forgotten these lines
"don`t throw away the book because one page is torn, the book is still worth reading". xx

Original poster
PepsiTwirl · 26/08/2014 01:03

You guys are helping. Alot. Thank you!

OP posts:
CautiousVisitor · 26/08/2014 01:04

I'm really, really glad.

Septbaby · 26/08/2014 01:06

I'm so glad that this helps, you are amazing, don't doubt that for a second.

MyPrettyToes · 26/08/2014 01:07

ThanksThanks DD85 & to Pepsi

However bad it gets, it does get better. Talking helps.

DanielSan · 26/08/2014 01:08

I used to love Londons Burning too, though it did end up inflicting Robson and Jerome on us! Seriously, you've been carrying this on your own for 21 years, surely that's long enough? You partner is not going to mind being woken up, he'll be happy that you trusted him enough to speak to him. I'm really sorry that I have to go now, good luck - you'll be ok, will be thinking about you xxx Flowers Brew

valrhona · 26/08/2014 01:10

Hang in there Pepsi. Dig deep and I'll see you tomorrow. I have to sleep now, I have to be fully present in the am when my dd has first day of secondary school. She's anxious...

Will check in the morning to say hello Flowers will be thinking of you xx

VinoTime · 26/08/2014 01:12

Oh sweetheart.

I am incredibly sorry that you are hurting so badly. I wish I could come and give you a big cuddle and make you tea and feed you chocolate biscuits and talk to you about how much you matter. Because you do. You may not feel like it, but you so, so do.

I hit rock bottom at the speed of light after I had my dd a few years back and it took quite some time to resurface. The only way I can describe how I felt at the time is complete and utter exhaustion. Ending my life wasn't something I ever considered, but I was so unbearably unhappy. And that unhappiness was draining. I walked around with this constant pain that I couldn't describe or even begin to understand. It was just there all the time. I didn't speak to anybody about it for about 10 months and I kept spiraling further and further away.

The best thing I ever did was force myself into the GP's office and open my mouth. I got medication, counselling and met others who felt the same way as I did - so we became like a support group to each other.

Please, please speak to somebody about this. Wake up your DP, call a family member or friend, call the Samaritans - anybody. Tomorrow maybe get yourself down to the doctors and ask for some help.

DD85 · 26/08/2014 01:18

My mum loved Londons burning and when Robson & jerome released their albums the full house would be subjected to it, on karaoke too Shock xx

triplets · 26/08/2014 01:19

I often wonder what I would do if I didn`t have Mumsnet, its a place I can go to when my life gets me down, where like you Pepsi I can talk, I am not judged and so often helped by kind words and good advice. Since Matthew died in 1994 I have had highs and lows. Can you guess by my MN name? Four years after his death (I hate even typing that word) I gave birth to triplets, I was almost 46!! I had ivf treatment in London which was very very stressful. Two boys and a girl.........there is a photo on my profile of them as babies. Life was good again, I had a reason to be here. Then when they were just 9 years old my dh was diagnosed with advanced bowel cancer, which then spread to his liver and his lung. Another battle. We have survived it, he is currently in remission, he has been very brave and never once did he say he had had enough. Life is hard Pepsi, but we can all make it better if we let ourselves be helped, if this was the other way round would you not be helping me? xx

Original poster
PepsiTwirl · 26/08/2014 01:22

Triplets, i am so sorry for everything you have gone thru.

My mum died from Lung cancer

OP posts:
CautiousVisitor · 26/08/2014 01:22

Do you like music Pepsi? A little thing that I find helps me is to play music to help me get me through bad patches. Do you have any favourites you could listen to? I think as someone said upthread it's about carrying on moment by moment. You aren't going to feel better overnight, but tiny step by tiny step you will get out of this.

CautiousVisitor · 26/08/2014 01:23

Cross-posted. Pepsi, I'm so sorry to hear that.

zipzap · 26/08/2014 01:23

OP I saw this just before I read your post - and I think it was meant to be - because it couldn't have been more appropriate.

It's a cartoon written by someone in your exact position but a week or two ago - it will only take a few moments to read but the person who wrote it has managed to capture so much and explain herself so well, it's definitely worth a read.

Original poster
PepsiTwirl · 26/08/2014 01:28

Iv let a number of things out where I could be recognised....

I don't want to be...

But at the same time... Have so much more to say Sad

OP posts:
CautiousVisitor · 26/08/2014 01:30

Pepsi, you could ask MN to delete the thread after tonight or move it to 30 days so it would be deleted in time?

That said, you have said nothing to be ashamed of. In the very very unlikely case that someone you knew identified you from this they would simply want to help you, as we all do.

Please keep talking if that is what you need to do right now.