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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give away half my money?

520 replies

givemeareason · 17/08/2014 21:09

Me and my DP are about to buy a house together, the first time for both of us.

We are getting a mortgage, but I also have a hefty deposit to put down of 200k. This was not an inheritance, but money I earned and saved over the years - I'm mid thirties so have had a long time to save.

We have a DD together, and we are both committed to our relationship and family.

I am just not so keen to put the deposit down and then effectively have given away half of it if the worst happens and we do split.

DP thinks if I keep the deposit as 'mine' then we would be unequal partners in the relationship and he would be disadvantaged due to owning less of the house, if the house prices rose he would have less equity overall.

AIBU to want to keep my deposit as my own? I probably am.

OP posts:
BloodyNaffedOff · 17/08/2014 21:31

all this 'if you're in a loving committed relationship it shouldn't matter' is a little naive surely? I was in a loving committed relationship .... until he left me for his accountant!!

Chunderella · 17/08/2014 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
givemeareason · 17/08/2014 21:32

I'm so glad to hear I'm not being completely unreasonable.

DP swings between saying he wouldn't expect me to sign half over to him, but in the same breath says how unfair it all is that if we did split he would walk away with a lot less than me. I said well yes of course because you have less than me, and then the arguments begin.

We have been together 3 years so not a long time really. Our DD is 1.

OP posts:
KirstyJC · 17/08/2014 21:33

He is disadvantaged at owning less of the house - well yes of course he is, that's because he has no money to put towards it and OP has 200k.

People with less money are generally at a disadvantage to those who have more when it comes to owning material things. That's the whole point really.

If he wants to be equal he needs to have 200k same as she does, or else they need to buy a house with none of her money either and she needs to keep the 200k elsewhere in her name only.

RumNoRaisins · 17/08/2014 21:33

I don't see how he is disadvantaged since without OP's deposit he wouldn't be in the position to buy at all. Unless he was a SAHP during a significant period when the OP was off earning that money I really can't see how he can justify any claim to it.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 17/08/2014 21:34

Don't do it.

If you should split and you haven't ring fenced your deposit at the outset it will be virtually impossible to get it back.

It will be easy for your conveyancing solicitor to convey the house to you in unequal shares; with you owning whatever share the £200,000 represents and the remainder 50/50. Put your instructions in writing to the conveyancer and keep a copy of those instructions and the reason for them.

If you later marry then things will be different and its usual (though not invariable) for the marital home to be shared equally. Though even then if it was a short marriage and a hefty contribution by one party the split can still be uneven.

You do need to get your DP to see that its not fair for him to insist on this split. If he continues to press you I'd question his intentions.

Bakeoffcakes · 17/08/2014 21:34

I think you should protect your deposit if you are both working.

You say you have a child, so if your partner is a sahp I'm assuming you've been able to save as your partner has been staying at home looking after your child?

Castlemilk · 17/08/2014 21:34

Do not do this.

Do not do this.

Do not do this.

And I say that as someone very happily married... to a man who would be perfectly happy, if he were the DP in this situation, for you to do the same. He'd understand exactly why. That's one of the reasons I know he's a good man...

If you split - and people do - YOU will almost certainly be the person whose future career, pension, prospects are altered most dramatically - you'll almost certainly be the person left doing the everyday single parenting. Ringfence that deposit. I honestly cannot say that enough times. You would be an utter, screaming fool not to. And you have a child and you cannot afford to be that much of a fool.

His comments on losing out are also incorrect. What I would suggest that you do is simply ringfence your deposit. If you then split, you get equal shares in any equity left after that. He will, therefore, despite coming to the table with nothing, end up with a 50% share in the equity of a property with a starting value in a bracket way, way above what he ever could have afforded!!

Some things I'd say:

  • Why doesn't he have any money to put down? Is it because - unlike you - he's spent his earlier years having fun, messing about, spending his cash? Then here's the downside of that. You missed out on a lot, you say - if he didn't - then here's the price he pays. Does he have a problem with that as a concept? Can he explain why he should essentially be rewarded here for doing nothing? How is he going to equal it up - would he suggest he does the parenting every Friday and Saturday night now for the next ten years so you can catch up on letting your hair down?

-Why does he say he'll feel at a disadvantage? If he has faith in your relationship, and if you have a good partnership, it will not make a difference to everyday life. What he is really saying here is - if you split up, he feels that he should somehow magically be left in exactly the same financial position as you, despite not putting in those hours over the long years of previous life and employment. How is that fair? It's not. He wants something he hasn't earned.

  • Finally... the biggest indicator here that you shouldn't do this is the fact that he's stropping and trying to convince you to. Big Red Flag. A decent guy wouldn't be acting like this and would absolutely understand what you think and what everyone on here has said.

So please be very wary and DO NOT DO IT.

mrscog · 17/08/2014 21:34

Don't do it. Seriously, get your 200K protected. He can still see himself as owning the house as much as you as you both are going to pay the mortgage, but it's just in the case of something going terribly wrong you still get your deposit back.

Chunderella · 17/08/2014 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

winkywinkola · 17/08/2014 21:36

mrscog, I completely agree with your wise words.

Would you be saying the same advice if the op were a man and his partner a woman?

RumNoRaisins · 17/08/2014 21:37

OP you are not being even the slightest bit unreasonable! You have spent your entire working life to date earning that money, like I said before you need to safeguard your daughter's future. Exactly what is his reasoning for this being unfair?

mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 17/08/2014 21:37

Castlemilk speaks so much sense. Don't do it!

ENormaSnob · 17/08/2014 21:38

Protect yourself.

crispandfruity · 17/08/2014 21:38

If you'd been together for 10 years plus and he had helped you save this MASSIVE amount of money then I might say YABU.

As it stands YANBU at all. You have a child and his concern should be protecting any assets for your child and not whining about what he may or may not walk away with. 3 years is no amount of time when you are considering your hard earned and saved £200k

And if that makes me cynical I don't care.

Castlemilk · 17/08/2014 21:38

DP swings between saying he wouldn't expect me to sign half over to him, but in the same breath says how unfair it all is that if we did split he would walk away with a lot less than me. I said well yes of course because you have less than me, and then the arguments begin.

...the arguments? Over what? The fact that he simply cannot accept that you, err, actually have saved more money than him and he wants that to now just become his?

I think the latter part of your sentence negates completely the first half. He thinks it's unfair? Despite it being the fairest and most obvious thing in the world? Then yes, I think you can safely say that if you DID split, he would indeed fight tooth and nail to get half.

Three years? Not long...

Don't let the fact you have a child make it seem like 'more'. Sadly, it's not.

Three years is not long.

Do not do this.

nannyj · 17/08/2014 21:39

My friend is in this position, her boyfriend is happy for them to get paperwork in place for her to safeguard her extra money. He will of course benefit from actual equity if they were to split but she will come out with her deposit in intact. A decent partner would do the same.

Morethanalittlebitconfused · 17/08/2014 21:40

Having a child together means nothing these days moreso if you're not married

Suggest buying the house in DD's name and see how that goes down...

WhereforeArtThou · 17/08/2014 21:41

If you have only been together three years I definitely wouldn't do it.

whois · 17/08/2014 21:42

Why didn't you stop over paying on your mortgage while on ML and make additional payments into your pension of that is a worry to you?

trixymalixy · 17/08/2014 21:43

I was in a similar position with my now DH. Our solicitor drew up something to say I'd paid the deposit and would get a greater share if we split. DH was 100% in agreement that that should be the case. Alarm bells would be ringing if he hadn't.....

Phalarope · 17/08/2014 21:43

Don't do it. We are in a similar position, and we bought as tenants in common. The deed of trust reflects that I provided the deposit, but we pay the mortgage 50:50. So over time, DP will own an increasing proportion of the house.

Original poster
givemeareason · 17/08/2014 21:43

Thank you for the replies.

No DP hasn't done the majority of child care at all, I've been on Mat leave since DD was born and worked up until the day she was born.

I know this word is used a lot on here, but he seems to be very entitled. You are right, why hasn't he saved money himself? Why now, because we are together does he think he should get half of everything if we split? I have worked my backside off because I wanted a child eventually and wanted to be in a position to be comfortable during my time at home without having to worry about money.

OP posts:
Humanhahoo · 17/08/2014 21:46

castlemilk has nailed it.

ValerieTheVodkaFairy · 17/08/2014 21:46

What everybody else says. You would be a fool if you didn't protect the interests of you and your child, on the strength of a 3 year relationship.

And I also say that as someone who is very happily married and who has shared finances with DH