To not want to give away half my money?

[givemeareason]

Me and my DP are about to buy a house together, the first time for both of us.

We are getting a mortgage, but I also have a hefty deposit to put down of 200k. This was not an inheritance, but money I earned and saved over the years - I'm mid thirties so have had a long time to save.

We have a DD together, and we are both committed to our relationship and family.

I am just not so keen to put the deposit down and then effectively have given away half of it if the worst happens and we do split.

DP thinks if I keep the deposit as 'mine' then we would be unequal partners in the relationship and he would be disadvantaged due to owning less of the house, if the house prices rose he would have less equity overall.

AIBU to want to keep my deposit as my own? I probably am.

[HumblePieMonster]

You need financial advice about how to protect your savings because if he persuades you to marry him, he'll have half.

He's fallen on his feet hasn't he? £1OOk for three years 'work' - not bad at all.

[Purplepoodle]

It's simple. Your not married. If you can't afford the mortgage just on your salary so it's in your name, you need a legal agreement that you get your deposit back if you split.

[Smartiepants79]

When we bought our house all the deposit was paid by me. No where near the kind of money you're talking about but still...
We had the contacts drawn up to show that I owned 10% more of the property than he did.
I have no idea how us now being married changes that. After 8 yrs the finances have evened out anyway. He now earns significantly more than me and has been overpaying our mortgage.

[notapizzaeater]

My sister put 50k (left to her from hubby who died) down with her then DH, fast forward 2 years and shed lost the lot, he'd pissed the marriage away up a wall and the house was in negative equity. She walked away with £600.

[monsterowl]

You will need to see a solicitor anyway, so I suggest asking him/her for advice and maybe having some legally binding agreement drawn up to say what happens to the money in the event that you split up, die, the house gets repossessed, etc etc.

[Freebirdy]

Me and my ex were in this situation. I'd saved about 80k, through hard work and luck in the property market. I was going to sell my house, and buy with him. But was going to have a deed of trust so that the first 80k of the house was mine and everything else split 50/50. He was fine with this, he's saved nothing at all so why should be get any of my money?

Yes, we have a son together and we were settled and happy (i thought), but two weeks ago he did a moonlight flit. You can't assume that this won't work out but if they do, you need to protect yourself. Buying a house is a business arrangement, not fun.

And if he's planning on staying with you then who owns what is irrelevant. He'll still be able to use 100% of the house regardless of how much of it he owns!

[RumNoRaisins]

I second the bit about protecting your finances even if you got married. This has displayed as you said an entitled side of him that should ring alarm bells regarding finance. It is actually a very good thing that you aren't married at present and can make moves to secure your savings.

[givemeareason]

I could afford the mortgage on my own, but we agreed to buy somewhere together, stupidly I thought it would make him feel less hard done by, getting to live in a nice house, paying a small mortgage and gaining equity. But no that isn't enough.

[FishWithABicycle]

YANBU if you aren't married. I do think that makes a difference.

Individuals have every right to define things as their own and not give them away if they don't choose so.

Married people pledge to share everything, so that's different.

This is only going to be an issue if you do split. As you are both committed and no suggestion of splitting then this is all academic.

Could you perhaps compromise and come up with a simple way to protect your deposit and not "give it away" without DP feeling unequal? Here's an example which you could rework with your own figures:

Let's assume, for the sake of keeping the maths simple, that you are buying a property for £500k (£200k deposit, £300k mortgage) and that perhaps you may (and here's hoping it never happens) split at some time in the future when you have paid the debt down to £240k (contributing 50:50 to mortgage) and the house value has risen to £600k. To get to this point you would have each put in circa £60k in mortgage interest and capital payments depending on your deal. So your total money in is £260k and his total is £60k.

A completely "fair" split (such as you might do between friends rather than partners) would say that the £360k equity would be split according to the ratio of what you put in: £292k to you and £68k to him.

A completely "equal" split (such as I would expect if a couple had vowed to hold all their worldly goods in common) would say that you each get £180k. I do not think it is reasonable for him to expect this.

Two possibilities for compromise: (a) either you get your £200k back and the rest is split equally - so £280k to you and £80k to him - he's then getting an equal share of the increase in value of the house and not being disadvantaged through not contributing to the deposit, but is not taking from you cash that he has no claim to; or (b) you simply agree that whatever the actual maths, you'll work out the two totals of "fair" and "equal" and go for a split exactly half way between these e.g. you get £236k and he gets £124k. One of these options would hopefully succeed in making sure he feels like he's being treated reasonably without you feeling you are giving away your assets.

[TobyZiegler]

Am I being silly but they are not married and therefore I thoughy her and his finances can and do remain separate... So long as she can prove 200k was hers surely she gets it back. I thought only when married it became 50:50 and he would get it on splitting?

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

If you buy a house together, live in in for ten years then split and sell it, he gets 50% of the equity. That's 100% more than he would have got if he had been renting for ten years! which is where he would be without your money. I have zero money and if I met a man who had money I would be irritated with him if he didn't protect it! Especially if he had a child. Anything you earn as a couple should be invested as a couple with joint benefits but this is not that.

[KirstyJC]

He's not sounding very good, is he? I would be very very careful about your finances with this man. What does he think is enough? You giving him 100k for nothing?

What did he think of the idea of you buying it alone? Were you considering asking him to pay half the monthly payments?

[Humanhahoo]

Are you planning to marry? Are you so concerned that he might push to get married in order to gain? Sorry I know it is a really personal question but you need to listen to your gut feeling and look at his reactions. I agree that his intial comments are worrying

[Blithereens]

Even if you were married you should still protect that money. DH's best friend has had terrible money troubles (self-inflicted) and when he and his then-girlfriend (now wife) bought a house thanks to the money she'd saved before they met, they had it written in that she owns that 15% outright. That hasn't changed now they are married.

[Sootball]

Do not be bullied and pushed into something you are not comfortable with.

Get legal advice.

Possibly consider why you want to marry this man - seriously - I owned a house when now DH ans I got together. To date he is not aware of all my financial holdings - I prefer it that way - nor I of his - less arguments.

[MsVestibule]

When I met DH, he had saved absolutely nothing and had no equity. He's worked all his life (earning more than me) and yet by his mid 30s (when we met) he had nothing financially to show for it. In contrast, I had approximately £100k in equity & savings.

We got married 4 years after we met (we had 2 DCs by that time) and bought a house a year later. I put most of my savings down as the deposit on our house but didn't protect it legally. We were married and I decided it wouldn't show much faith in our marriage if I asked for that.

However, if we'd been moving in without being married, there is no way I would, in effect, hand him half of my life savings. I honestly think if we split up now, my DH would accept that I should get most of the deposit back. Hopefully that will never be tested!

I cannot see why your DP thinks he should be entitled to half of it if you were to split up. Surely he'd he in exactly the same situation he is now, so how is that unfair? He'd also benefit from any house price increase?

One thing I'm not sure about, though. Who pays for home improvements in this situation? If you decide to put a new kitchen in that costs £10k, would he reasonably be able to say "You own 75%(?) of the house, you pay £7.5k toward the kitchen?".

[Sassyb0703]

what is it you want OP ? if it's a true commited relationship then simply get married and Nome of this is an issue, what's yours is his etc etc (just flip this situation and see how mn responds) BUt !! if you went into this relationship to have a child and that is YOUR overwhelming priority then definitely do not press for marriage, but see a lawyer and get an agreement drawn up. It sounds to me you have little faith in the relationship and dp has not really been on long-term radar

[BloodyClarey]

If you pay the deposit how about HE pays the mortgage? All of it until it is equal.

[Floggingmolly]

He feels disadvantaged due to owning less of the house. But while you're together, sharing your assets, it makes absolutely no practical difference who owns what percentage, does it?
So he has actually considered what his position would be if you split...
For that reason alone; I wouldn't do it.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

So glad my husband didn't feel like that when he married me, what with him owning a flat already and me being the 'poorer partner'.

OP I think this says a lot about your relationship- and it is clearly keeping you from thinking long-term or being married.

[ElephantsNeverForgive]

Either you believe your relationship is for ever or you don't, it's that simple.

[HumblePieMonster]

stupidly I thought it would make him feel less hard done by, getting to live in a nice house, paying a small mortgage and gaining equity. But no that isn't enough
Perhaps you don't actually want to marry him. I'd give that some thought.

[BringMeSunshine2014]

Don't do it

You have worked very very hard to accumulate that money and you need to make sure you hang onto that security. I have no problem with people ring fencing money/assets they bring into a relationship. Sure, share them while you are together and maybe any gains from them (rent etc) but the asset - nope, you bring it in, you can take it out.

My gut feeling too is that if he loved you, really loved you, he would want you to protect that for yourself - not be all sulky because you aren't giving him half.

I could understand if someone said 'But if you put down 200k and we only have a small mortgage it wont feel like my house - what can we do to make this work?' and try to come up with solutions to that issue, but that doesn't seem to be his problem - he seems more concerned with how much he would OWN of it/get if you split.

You would be MAD to chuck your lot in with him. Mad.